I do a partial disengagement for this reason--I will not disengage to the point where my home is disrespected. I have always required that my home is respected so if necessary, I will enforce that the skid cleans up after himself. Either way it's going to be done by the kid or DH. I'll not have my home smelling like old food, breeding temptations for roaches, rats and other infestations. If after he removes and cleans his dishes he wants to turn into putty in his room, so be it. But a kids room is part of my home and it will be maintained.

Talk to DH. Let him know that either he cleans up after SS15 or that he enforces that SS15 clean up after himself. That'd be where I'd leave it. Then I'd watch for change. If none came, I'd get a trash bag and go into the room and rake EVERYTHING on the desk into the trash bag and toss it. If that meant he loses phones, books, consoles, etc--all of it'd go. They'd learn to clean up or face my way of doing it...

My goodness OP - are you me??!!! We have the same issue with SS15, not so much that he leaves plates etc in his room as he doesn't eat in there, but he either won't eat school food and leaves it in his bag to rot, or he hoards food in there and leaves food reside smeared packets, wrappers etc around, and I means 100's of them, and stashes them behind the bookcase, anywhere he thinks we won't find them - he is pretty dumb.

Since its two months I'd just go with the current situation. But if he'll return in 6 months or whatever the arrangement is you might as well get started on anything new you want to enforce when he returns.

There is no reason adults can't have one set of rules which don't apply to children or the other way around. A 15yo doesn't drive a car does he? Because he's immature. He can't have food in his room for the same reason. He won't clean it up - then roaches and rats appear. This is not a democracy and life has never been fair. I don't care if mommy made sure your scoop of ice cream was the same size as your brothers. Those days are gone. When you pay your way you make your rules.

Disengaging does not mean you have to put up with something but your husband does have to enforce the rule. This may effectively negate the rule if he choses to not enforce it or the punishment is a joke. (5 minutes detention in your room you bad boy). Anyway you and your husband have to agree on the rules - or you have to be willing to cram it down husband throat.

Your SS15 sounds like every other teenage boy, they would live in a pig sty if you let them. Its your home and your right to have a clean, pest free home. If he doesnt clean it up, then go in and take everything out. I did that with my own son, I didnt throw out his phone and other electronics (it was my hard earned money that bought them) but I did confiscate them for a month. In your case, you will need your DH to carry out that raid and confiscate the stuff. But if he doesnt do it, then do it yourself!! After that, my son learned to keep a clean room, with reminders from me of course but just the threat of losing his phone for a month worked like a charm.

Hmm. Bio father here. It really bugs the f%ck out of me that any of you people think you are qualified to judge and make recommendations when you have absolutely no idea about what is really going on.

My son is living with us so I can ensure he goes to school and sits his exams. These exams are very important in our country and anyone who doesn't sit them will find early adulthood in the job market very difficult. This is life changing stuff. The reason he is living with us is because his bio mother couldn't make him go to school while he was living with her. I couldn't do much about it as they were living 600kms away. There is 7 weeks left in the school year, during which these exams take place, then he is going back to live with his mother. My job will be done, he will have at least SOME form of educational qualifications to go out and get a job. He is performing very well at school down here and all of his teachers have said that he is on track to pass his exams.

He is NOT lazy. He does the dishes after dinner every night. He feeds the cats every night. He helps me do the washing on the weekends. He mows the lawns. He is generally polite, he does what he is asked when I ask him and he is trustworthy. In saying that, he is a teenager and can be thoughtless at times. What teenager isn't?

A couple of days ago we came home after being away for two days at SM's relatives' funeral. My son had vacuumed, tidied up the lounge, (including arranging the cushions on the couches...!), cleaned the kitchen and stove and had cleaned out the fridge. Not meaning eaten all of the food but emptied out old stuff and cleaned it. He had emptied the dishwasher. I would estimate he had spent a good couple of hours doing all of this WITHOUT being asked, or even having it mentioned to him.

We just walked into a clean and tidy warm house. It was warm because he had made sure the gas heater was going when we got home. For his efforts he got a icy "Thanks for tidying up" from SM as he said goodnight. I don't think she even looked at him when he said it. I thought he deserved a little more appreciation than that.

Whatever housework isn't done by my son is done by me. I do the majority of cooking and cleaning in our household. SM's only real job used to be the washing, and now she refuses to do my son's washing. I said "Fine, I'll do mine and his, you sort out your own." Problem solved.

SM verbally attacked my son the other night for not saying hello to her when he got home from school. She was downstairs in the spare room doing some renovation work. I was at work. I took her side on this and told him that he needed to say hello when he gets home. He tried to defend himself when she carried on at him and I was the bad guy for not stepping in. I thought it was good for him to defend himself against an angry verbal attack for such a minor thing.

I tried to fix things then by getting SM to set some ground rules for my son. I told her to tell him what she expected of him, because if he doesn't know then he can't make sure he abides. She she doesn't know what she expects of him. How is he meant to win there?

SM threw a tantrum last night as I was headed out to spend an evening with a friend. SM was meant to be going to work anyway. This evening had been organised weeks ago. I got angry (she was already angry before the conversation even started, I just got dragged into it) and told her that she is poisonous towards my son and that when he goes back to live with his mother 600kms away I will probably hardly ever see him again because he won't want to come and stay. She informed me that he wouldn't be welcome in our home and that I would have to go see him somewhere else if I wanted to see him anyway.

That isn't acceptable in my book. I should be able to invited my son to stay with me in my own home. That's like being asked to choose between him and her. I can't replace my son. Say no more.

I have said that I will go to marriage counselling with her when he has gone. What is the point in going to counselling regarding my son when he'll be gone for good in 7 weeks anyway? At least that way when we go to counselling it will be focussed on our marriage and not on my son who doesn't live with us any more.

Apparently that's not acceptable to her.

As for my love of alcohol, not that it concerns anybody here, but I like to have a few drinks before I go to bed. It helps me sleep at night. I don't drink during the day, I don't go on day long or multi day benders, I don't become abusive either verbally or physically to anyone. It does not change who I am and it bears no relevance to the relationship between SM and my son.

Most of the time I feel like the UN peace keeping force between SM and my son. Sometimes I think SM is right, sometimes I don't. I do what I can to try to make home life for everyone concerned as smooth as I can.

It is emotionally draining at times, depending on how foul SM's mood is at that point in time.

At the end of the day, when you're forced to choose between your child or your wife, what do you do? I'm very f*cking angry that I'm being put in this position as it is. Any bio parent out there knows the correct answer to that question.

I'm tired of fighting the battle I can never win and perhaps it IS time to call it a day. It's up to her. I have to do what I have to do for my boy, with or without her support over the next 7 weeks. Then he'll be gone for good.

And I'm the bad guy.