Parenting by Guilt
Is there a kind way to bring some awareness to a dad who fits this description? I don't know how much more I can take. 17 yr old SD runs the show, makes a complete fool of him, he catches on for a day or so, then feels guilty for being angry, "making her cry" and backs down on everything. He trips over himself to do everything for her. It makes me want to puke. I love this man dearly, but I honestly question myself as to whether or not I have what it takes to ride this out. I have been holding on to the hope that she will some day move out and go to college. I'm not so sure now. She is so enmeshed in my personal life with her father that I honestly don't see her ever leaving because then she would not have a front row seat as to what goes on between he and I. SHe has struggled for months, almost a year, to suptly cause problems and shows no signs of letting up. I was recently able to gently point out some of her tactics to him, which i was surprised, he listened with an open mind and actually admitted to seeing some of the same things. Yet after a few days pass, he is right back at it with her again, doing everything for her, acting like she is the be all and end all. She has even tried her hardest to sabatoge his relationship with her older sister, who no longer lives at home. She is pissed everytime he talks to her, spends time with her, etc. It is so twisted, I can't even put most of it into words. I recently became aware of two boys she has been "targetting". The one kid, she has been chasing for almost two years. He has told her repeatedly that he has a g/f and for her to move on, but she will not let up on him. She keeps telling him that he doesnt mean it, that she can't love anybody else, yadda yadda. The second boy she apparently used to try and get back at the first one. The second one too now has a g/f and she is pulling the same mind games on him. This young lady has some scary issues. She does not take "no" for an answer from anybody and just tries to figure out how to manipulate in other ways to get what she wants.
It's been an especially rough couple of weeks. Thanks for listening to all who took the time to read this. ANY input is helpful.
Parenting by guilt is a terrible thing...
my ss's mother does this in my opinion. She is a superflake, and works a lot (uneducated high school drop out), and to make up for the broken, misguided home, and all the empty promises she gives to ss, she in turn never disciplines him, and spoils him with gifts relentlessly. He is 13, and now has his 2nd razor phone.
The problem with parents that parent by guilt is that they are in denial that they are creating the problem therefore, they can't create a resolution. So far, for your bf, this doesn't really bother him otherwise he wouldn't be doing it. I would suggest that you sit him down and have a discussion on how important is your relationship to him. Marriage comes first, then the children. Happy parents make happy babies.
First of all, whatever goes on between you and bf, it is none of his daughters business. For him to divuldge private information that exists between you and him with his teenage daughter, is completely inappropriate. He should have adult male friends that he shares that info with, you know...guy talk! The reason you share that info with friends, is b/c they aren't going to be bias, whereas family members are, furthermore, she is still a child, she doesn't have the insight to know how to handle adult information, therefore he shouldn't burden her with his adult problems.
Secondly, as my therapist puts it...your marriage comes first. My first year of marriage, my dh still imagined himself being a bachelor and hanging out with his friends, instead of hangin out with his wife. He expected and demanded that I be at home, but the tables were turned for him...so I dragged his stubborn ass to the therapist. Our therapists told my dh...your #1 priority is your marriage, then your family, then your career, and your children depend on it being that way. Candice is going to help you provide a stable home for your children, and they need a stable home."
Now I realize that his daughter is almost an adult, but nonetheless, she doesn't want her dad's house to be unstable. Furthermore, one day, believe it or not, his daughter is going to move out and fly from the nest, and then what is he going to do? Live alone?
For individuals that do this type of parenting, I see in their future loneliness. I myself could not tolerate this. I would encourage you to let your bf know how you feel, and probe him with quesions to see if he is willing to change, and get himself out of this guilty rut. If he is unwilling to make some changes to put his relationship with you first, then you must ask yourself how much are you willing to sacrifice to be with this person.
This isn't easy, take it one day at a time...
Candice
Thank you so much for your input and wonderful advice. I could not agree with you more, and that is what makes this so frustrating for me. Recently, b/f has been able to see some things and has actually allowed me to give my input and opinion. Some of what I told him was not easy for me to say, but it needed to be said none the less. I told him he has reoccurring problems with his daughter because he allows it to happen. That she is well aware that she can manipulate him into doing whatever she wants, by pouting, after he reprimands her. Which in turn makes him back down from any punishment he gives her. I told him he is doing her a disservice by protecting her and not holding her accountable for the things she does. He was very open to listening to all of this. I was surprised, because this was the first time he did not get defensive and storm off. I have noticed small changes in how he deals with her and i know it will take time for him to change, if he is going to change. I told him I cannot tell him how to parent, but I can see things outside the box, because i am not so closely involved.
I totally agree with the inappropriateness of him sharing our relationship information with her...for all the reasons you mentioned, plus the fact that she wants nothing more than to have me gone and all he does is give her ammunition. It actually has a name and its called Emotional Incest...where one parent takes on the child as a "partner" when they lack an actual partner to share things with. They put the child in the position of providing emotional support to them. It is an awful thing to do to a child. THe child actually takes on a caregiver role and begins to feel responsible for the parents well being. In the long run, it makes for very unhealthy relationships for the child as they grow older. They cannot bond emotionally with someone of their own age because they feel like they are betraying the parent, being "unfaithful" to them. They only become sexually close to people who they have no attachment to. They cannot become intimate with someone they want to be in love with. SHe often times acts like his girl friend, doing the same things and saying the same things that she sees me say and do. I was able to touch on this subject with him and i have noticed a fairly dramatic change where this is concerned.
My b/f truely is a wonderful man and has a stable career. He is no fool, but somehow this kid has taken control of him. He doesn't like it but I don't know if he knows how to change alot of it. He appears to be trying.
SHe recently wrote him a letter that was an eye opener for him. She reprimanded him for having anything to do with his other daughter, her full sibling, and complained about trivial stuff he has done for her. She complained about me and she complained about not wanting to do anything that is expected of her. He was amazed and shocked at the things she brought up to him. SHe claims SHE is tired of being stressed...and she basically cannot understand why her tactics have not worked this past week when she got grounded for breaking curfew....again.
Its a hard thing to bring up to someone. It is getting a little easier since he is willing to listen more, but it still makes me very uncomfortable at times. It helps so much to have found this site where it is safe to share and gain insight from others.
Thank you so much for helping me put some things into perspective.
Take it one step at a time...
With the SD thing and trying to get your husband to see his daughter's behavioural issues, you are very wise to take it slowly. Bringing up too much information or pushing the issue too much might get him to be very defensive and move things in the exact opposite direction. Good luck with this.
On the right track.
It sounds as though you are on the right track. Acknowledgement is the first and hardest step for anyone to take to recognize they have a problem, and it sounds as though, he does know there is a problem. It will be a long road, and like Candice and Hopeful, take one step at a time.
I think that you have to support him through this, because it's not always easy for one to snap their fingers and change on a dime. So, when things are presented, be sure to point things out and give him guidence on how you would handle it better for next time. Always put it in another perspective that he will be able to follow or recognize.
And be sure to let HIM know when he's done something right... it's like role reversal at this point.
Also, go to the bookstore and check out what books they may have about this subject as well as the Emotional issue. If he can see his daughter's future, than he may be willing to change and stick with it. He needs support though, this is a behavioral issue that is much like any alcoholic issue. So, be sure to keep encouraging him when he has 'stuck to his guns' with corrective behavior.