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I don't even know what to say

sheila's picture

but i have to keep talking or i will go crazy. I came to the realization today that I simply cannot stay in this relationship. Three is a crowd in any relationship and it is 10 times worse when the third one is a meddling, spoiled, 17 year old bitch brat. I have tried to tell myself it is not her fault...she is a kid but dammit, she is a MASTER at manipulation and lies. Shes knows that no matter what she does to disrespect me, her daddy-o will take her side. I am so tired of being "ganged up" on. Although i am totally disgusted with his total lack of discipline and the fact that he treats her like a wife and not a daughter I am more concerned with my own health at this point. No sleep, the endless headaches, constant stress and dealing with her competing with me. SHe is now allowed to even keep me awake at night because she wants to. She is up til all hours, usually on the computer, until she wants to mess with me and piss me off, then she starts by being noisy, loud tv, loud music, etc. (BF works nights). She has a tv in her room, but OMG, she cannot watch in there !! there is no cable !!! i guess its more important that she have cable, than me get sleep and get up early to go to work every damn day. I have tried to talk to him...she is many different people. One when he is around (goody two shoes) and another when he is out of sight. She knows exactly what she is doing and by allowing her to do it, it is escalating on a daily basis. I don't dare talk to her about it outside his presence, because i do not trust her. She twists everything and then he is mad at ME> I am not allowed to confront her on any dam thing. She gets to walk all over me and she is the protected species. I know counseling would be a wonderful outlet for us, but BF is perfect and does no wrong. What the hell does he need a therapist for?

Today i have been in tears reading some of the posts here because i see that there just is no hope of this ever getting better, mostly because he cannot see it. I feel like Stever, that if i leave she "wins" and it makes me sick to think I have been sucked into a tug of war. This is no relationship, its a war zone and I am not willing to do it anymore. I am stuck for several months until i can save money and relocate and i am a nervous wreck everyday wondering how i am going to "fake it" for that long. I am treated like the daughter and "she" is treated like his wife. It is so twisted and sick i am embarassed to even say it. I come from a mental health background and know all the signs and symptoms of dysfunction and here i am living it !! I try to ask myself what kind of advice i would offer someone who came to me with these issues...and it would be to cut bait and run !!! But it is not that easy to do.

Anyway, I'm sure i am rambling and repeating myself but sometimes ya just need to get it out. Its like toxic poison and the body needs to expel it. Thanks everyone

sheila's picture

your response made me cry but I feel better....at least i know there is a voice in all this darkness. No, we are not married, and no i do not have any family close by. They are all 1500 miles away. As far as stashing cash, i did start a couple weeks ago. I have a friend i currently work with who clued me in on a job where she works as a second job...it would be about $400 extra cash to stash too, per month. I gave her my application today to take to the other job with her. I am pretty new to this area and do not know anyone well enough to stay with at this point. People here are very different from where I came from.

Sometimes i look at him (bf) and feel sorry for him that I know how she lies and takes advantage of him....then i look at him again and i wanna slap the living shit out of him for creating her. its HIS fault she does what she does because he lets her do whatever....he will do everything possible to keep her from being pissed at him. She has the reputation at the school as being "easy". She has been tagged that for a very long time. He does not know this and would never believe me if i told him. SOme of what i have shared with him, i felt obligated to tell him. I felt like i was part of the problem and that i was lying by keeping her secrets too. I felt that if something should happen to her and i knew what she was up to that he would give me the ole "you knew and didnt tell me????"....i am so confused. I know it is hard for parents to accept that their kids are up to no good, but dammit, there has to come a point where you open your eyes. He KNOWS she is a liar....has caught her in a few good ones....but she still is perfect. Its not only the lies...its using him, taking advantage, nice as pie to his face, gets what she wants, then shits on him outside his presence. Its all so twisted. and outside of that, when she is doing stuff that directly effects me and only me,,,,,why doesnt he DO something???

Thanks for the suggestion of things to say to him...sometimes i am so caught up in the moment i cannot think straight. I do not want him to know that i am leaving until i have the money and the moving truck in the driveway. If he knows sooner, it will escalate all the quicker. Everytime his is mad at me, he clings to the brat and they act like they are two high school young lovers. He takes her everywhere, leaves me home alone and they both ignore me like i am invisible. It is humiliating. You are right it IS abuse and i know better than to be living like this. It helps so much to come here and get a different prespective on things.....and thanks for the hug Smile

sadgirl's picture

I have a similar situation - up to and including when you said your BF doesn't think he needs any help...I think he is in denial and it is the reason he is blaming this all on you. It isn't right that you are excluded and it is abusive to include you but ignore you and then when you get upset...I am wondering if he then ACTS surprised and questions your mental state (i.e., we are all together having "fun" and you were miserable for some reason...what is wrong with you?)...the reason I wonder this is because I have lived that. I think it is very good that you aren't married. I am, but we are separated. I think if you can figure a way to separate for a while after telling him calmly and without judging his daughter that for you, it just feels unhealthy and you need a man who is strong enough to be both a good father and a good mate/partner. I will say that in my situation, and I don't know how it will turn out (hence "sadgirl"), I will say that somehow this separation my DH has begun to state that he sees his behavior (he says it is immaturity) and wants to work on himself because he loves me. It wasn't until the separation that he has ever acknowledged any of this behavior - I will pray for your situation. One last thing, even though SD sounds horrible and is treating you completely disrespectful - realize that she is just a child still and that what she is doing is acting the way her father is teaching her gets some kind of reward. It's him that is the issue - she is just one of the pieces of the puzzle that he is creating.

sheila's picture

i moved out, put my stuff in storage and am basically living out of my car for the time being. i have a place to sleep but that is about it. I am so tired of it all.

i appreciate all of your comments. like we say here over and over, it just helps to know that others can understand what you are dealing with.

even tho the little bitch is 17, i do not consider her a child. shes knows exactly what she is doing. she posts her games on myspace about running me off, pissing me off, and laughin because daddy believes her and not me. I am so depressed, sad, frustrated and scared. It's best that I am out, but my head is so fogged up i am not able to make clear decisions about anything. this is so unfair to me and i know that. I know i deserve to be treated with respect and that i am not getting that from either of them.

Thanks again from support from this site. don't know what i would do without it. i will post more later when i can think straight.

Persephone's picture

I would print the MySpace dialogues and give them to Daddy-O.
It's funny how men will say women are manipulative, but it never occurs to them that their very daughters are in 'training' to become a manipulative bitch. That behavior develops over many many years of getting away with it!

stamina's picture

This young lady could not have the impact that she does without your man's support and he condones the behaviour and even encourages it by his response. She wouldn't do the things that she does without a result...you and your BF provides the result, not her!

It is much easier to be pissed off at a 17 year old than it is at the man that you love. But, believe me, this isn't about her. Target your feelings where they rightfully belong...on the shoulders of your BF. Sure the daughter has a role, but daddy is an adult and this is his relationship in turmoil. If it is important enough to him, he will respond. You took a stand by deciding not to live in misery...good for you. Good luck with everything.

VJUELW's picture

First of all I am sorry you are in this predicament. Although your boyfriend is enabling the situation by ignoring your needs and not being supportive to you and by allowing his daughter to treat you disrepectfully, I have to disagree with the opinions that say she is just a kid and its not her fault. SHe is 17 years old and she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. Thats the problem with the world today, teens are not accountable for their actions anymore. a 17 year old girl is 1 step from being a legal adult. However, I DO also think its partially dads fault becuase his daughter faces no concequences for her actions. He ALLOWS her to behave badly and refuses to acknowlege that shes doing anything wrong.

By the daughter bragging online about what shes doing shows she is 100% aware of what is going on and how its affecting you. Print those myspace letters out and give them to your boyfrind EVEN if you are out of the situation. Because if his head is up his as* like it seems it is, he is probubly over there thinking YOUR crazy and overreacting. With proof perhaps he will realize what his daughter has done to you.

If youve gotten out, like it seems you have, keep your chin up and know your not alone. You deserve a man that appreciates you and loves you and doesnt allow ANYONE to walk on you.

stamina's picture

He can influence what his daughter does but he cannot control it. He can however, be responsible for the impact of this behaviour on his relationship. Of course the daughter may know the consequences of her actions, who cares what her reasons, etc. are? The dad is the one who is impacted and he is the one who should be responding, if the relationship matters to him.

I wouldn't print off the computer info...what makes everyone think that dad is going to decide to take a stand on his daughter's behaviour? Do you honestly think that he doesn't know what his daughter is doing and why? Give the guy some credit...if he doesn't get it, the printing off of the info, is gonna be risky business...but I guess you really have nothing to lose! Bottom line is though, if you have to convince him of your honesty, etc., is he worth the effort?

CplStv's picture

Sheila,

I am SO Sorry that You have been driven to this extreme, I have been there Myself, staying on My Freind's couch, and things getting So Bad between My and My Beloved, that I had to stay with Family or a Freind, for a while, from a days, to A few months, at one point.
The best Advice I can give You, is Don't allow the Hardship of this to Drive You back to an untenable situation. If He doesn't get it through His Head, just how Unhapy You Were, that You would prefer this situation to being there, He was never worth it in the first Place. Hopefully this will be the wake up call He needs, and He will make some attempt to Deal With His, and His Daughter's Problems, before He has to Deal With Her facing the Legal System.

I'm Sorry to burst the bubbles of all those Who have said that the Girl is NOT Responsible.
Give Me a BREAK, She is less than a Year from Legal Aduthood,and Responsibility.
She is Old Enough to be Tried as an Adult by the Judicial System, without much more than a Formalized Request to the Judge by the Prosecutor.
On a Hopeful note, I Have a 17 year old SD that has tried to play the same type of CRAP,in the past, and to a lesser degree still does, but I Stuck To My Guns, until Her Mother Realized The Truthof the matter.
The best part is that although I still get Basic Teenage Rebelliousness and Backtalk, She recently Told Her Mother, My Beloved,(DM)( I think I made up the proper abbreviation for divorced Mom...) that She Does Love Me and Most of The Reason She has Given Me ALL The Headaches (trying to word it Nicer) is that She is "Afraid I Will Walk Away, Like EVERY OTHER 'Father Figure' All (Her) LIFE, has..." The Quote may be inexact, butit is at least very close to what I was told.

I am Not Denying that I have been Seriously tempted to wring her neck, many times, or that I still don't feel the temptation, But It was so Touching that She would admit that to Her Mother, if not directly to Me,(since She Knew I Would Hear It) because as Much and As Often as I have wanted, and even at some points, breifly, DID, GIVE UP ON HER,to the point of Refusing To Acknowledge Her Existence.

I Know How Miserable it is to feel that Your Bio-Father doesn't give a Damn, and Your Mom's New SO, of whatever type, is More Important to Her Than You, From Experiencing it when I was Younger.
Just Today I was SO Ready to Slap the taste Out of Her Mouth, ( old Southern Expression ) but She and I have actually become Much Closer, and She has actually come and Talked To Me, in Confidence, about things She wouldn't or Couldn't. I can only Hope that the bond that has begun will Deepen and Expand, especially since She will be old enough to move out, to Her Father's, Sister's, or wherever, very soon. I Doubt She will, and as Much As I get annoyed, or even outright Can't Stand The Sight Of Her Face at Times, I actually Dread The Thought of Her Leaving, both for Her sake,I know it isn't easy out there, and because I Will Miss Her.

Steve

glynne's picture

You were right to move out and I hope that your BF sees the light. It's amazing how they can come to their senses when we stand up for ourselves. I agree, print or email the my space to him. The 17 YO SD knows exactly what she is doing. I have a 24 yo SD that tries to do the same thing. My husband is finally seeing the light. Good luck to you and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Glynne

Susanna's picture

Just coming from having had to evacuate an unhealthy to put it mildly, relationship. BF is not fullfilling his obligation to you. I would talk to him, but I'm not sure you are obligated to tell him your plans to leave when you can. Is there any chance he will kick you out, if so, fake it till you can leave safely. If he is financially dependant on you he should have treated you like a human being in the first place.

Take care of you. If you end up homeless it will be really hard to keep your job. I'd secure a place to live and a way to pay for it before you make any moves on the homefront. I only know this cuz I've done it the hard way and it made my life a living hell.

I'm glad you are going to take care of yourself and I hope that you find a better place in your life soon.

Hugs,
// Susanna

"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco