You are here

OT-How do you handle it when you don't like your husbands friends?...kinda long but please read!

minerva385's picture

My husband has a friend who I pretty much can't stand. Hubby considers him to be his "best friend" and he's known him for years (over a decade) He can be nice, but for the most part I find him to be extremely annoying, rude, and just a plain jackass.

When my husband first quit drinking, he said "oh, that'll never last. It's like taking a fish out of water." He talks down to my husband (and me), assuming we are stupid and he is so much smarter than us. If we have plans to hang out and we have to pick him up, he is never ready on time. Most of the time we are left waiting for him at his disgustingly dirty house (I won't sit down or use the bathroom there because it is too gross...we're talking raw eggs left out on paper plates, no counter space because it is FILLED with dirty dishes, walls that are black and should be white, walls that are covered with what looks like vomit or pee, but I'm not sure and about a foot path going upstairs to the kitchen/bathroom or anywhere else because there is just SO MUCH SHIT).

I don't enjoy being there or around him at all. He drinks and he becomes an even bigger ass. My husband doesn't have a license so he can't drive himself there and the friend also doesn't have a license because of a few DUI's. I've been going to the library or for a walk or to a park to read when they're hanging out so that I don't have to be around him, but my husband is unhappy because then he feels like he doesn't ever get to see me and he wants to spend time with both of us. The friend treats me like a chaufer. Like I'm there to do his bidding and drive him to wherever it is he wants to go. When I say no or refuse I'm the bitch.

The last straw with this character happened last night. He asked us if we would help him move. We said sure. Most people, when they're having someone help them move, at least has the courtesy to have their shit packed. Not him. We had to sit around watch him sort through his stuff as he figured out what he wanted to take. THEN when the truck was loaded and we were ready to go, he asks my husband to drive the truck. My husband said yes, thinking their must be a good reason for it (the truck had brakes that didn't really work and a broken headlight). Unfortunately, the "friend" had to ride with me because the cab of the pick-up was too full. When we were in the car I asked him why he wasn't driving the truck. His response: "well, I get my license back in a month and a half and I don't want to screw it up" you'd rather MY husband be screwed if he got pulled over or into an accident because the brakes didn't work while he was driving YOUR SHIT without a license! The "friends" response to that was "well, he drives without a license all the time"...actually jackass, no he doesn't. He only drives my car when we are already out and about and I get a migraine. Even if he is driving and I have a migraine, the second he sees a cop we are pulling over the first chance we get and I have to drive, because he can't handle the stress and DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL.

I am so furious and I don't know what to do anymore. What would you do in this situation? Hubby may "let him go" eventually after being screwed over enough times, but he has a hard time doing that. I don't want to be around him, but it seems like I can't avoid it. I really need some suggestions on what to do! My solution is to run him over with my car (so just kidding, but it really is a nice visual ;-P)

Please help!

onehappygirl's picture

Wow, he sounds like a real winner. What does your husband see in him?

My DH had a friend like that too. I couldn't stand him!! He lived with his mom - STILL at 43 years old, he talked down about women, and was generally a horse's ass. He was an old high school friend of my husbands, and I didn't want to forbid him coming to my house for my husband's sake. I just let DH know that whenever that guy was going to be over, I was going to be out, because I knew I couldn't keep my mouth shut around him. DH did put him in his place a few times when he insisted on calling me "DH's woman." DH told him that I had a name and that I was his wife, not his "woman."

Now the guilt part - this guy was diagnosed with liver cancer and died within a month. Even though I couldn't stand this man, he was my hsuband's friend, and for that if nothing else, I could tolerate him.

He is your husband's friend, so unless it interferes with family time or gets dangerous by drinking/driving or anything else of that nature, there's no harm in them remaining friends. You don't have to be around when these visits happen. Just refuse to be near him. Don't help him, don't go out with him, just separate yourself from him entirely.

When I did that and kept silent about the things that bugged me about my DH's friend, he came to realize for himself was a total waste of a life his friend had become. (God rest his soul).

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

TheWife's picture

Just curious-

Does your husband and his friend have any other mutual friends? If so, what to THEY think about him?


Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.

minerva385's picture

They do have many mutual friends, or did. Most of their mutual friends won't talk to the "friend" anymore because he treats them the same way. He has been banned from many a house because of his ridiculous drunken behavior and because the "friend" also treats all of his supposed friends like chaufers.

belleboudeuse's picture

Yeah, that sucks. In general, I feel like someone's friends (the company they keep) reveal a lot about the person he is. That said, I have noticed that a lot of guys I know have what I would consider very low standards -- in that they are friends with people who are blatant racists, or chauvinist pigs, or just plain jerks. But I've had guys tell me that the friends they end up with often are more friends that grow out of activities they do - golf buddies, or poker buddies, or drinking buddies... and as a result, their views on the Israel-Palestinian conflict or on health care reform or even on male-female relationships aren't really something that enter into their friend choices. That can be tough for women to understand.

My husband has a couple of friends that he quite openly calls his "charity cases." They are two friends who, each in their own ways, are really bad news. One is a racist, depressed alcoholic, and the other is a pathological liar whose girlfriend just broke up with him because he was cheating on her with THREE different women! Although I have told my H I don't really want to spend time with either one of these guys, he maintains a certain level of friendship with them primarily because he feels like they both need all the friends they can get, as their lives are going down the toilet. He also had an acquaintance in college who had no friends kill himself -- that has haunted him to this day, and I think it makes him open to maintaining ties with people he thinks need help.

Hope I'm not hijacking -- but just saying, there might be lots of reasons your friend is still friends with this guy. Maybe opening up a non-judgmental conversation about it with him would reveal something deeper about what your husband's views are on friendship. It could be enlightening.


You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

minerva385's picture

I'm pretty sure Hubby is still friends with this character because he feels like he is the only "friend" he has left. Unfortunately, all (and I mean all) of my husbands friends have issues with alcohol. The only activity that they do together is going out to the bars or sitting at home drinking. They don't call Hubby anymore, since he quit. The only one that really still talks to Hubby is "the friend". Also, Hubby has a hard time letting go of people. His defense for staying friends with the "friend" is that he has known him for 12 years and he is the only friend he has left. He doesn't see how he is being used and how I am being used and mistreated by him. Hubby has a hard time making new friends because meeting new people causes him great anxiety. He doesn't initiate conversations with others and really only talks to the people he knows.

usade's picture

My BF is also a sort of bleeding heart and has some nasty friends...nasty character, nasty behavior, nasty wherever they are and regardless of the people around them. I've forbidden only one thing in our home: one "friend" in particular coming over late and staying the night. That came about by him telling me how this friend "used to be" and yet he was showing signs of the same behavior on two visits here...I won't have that. When it affects me and my comfort in my living-space, I speak up. Otherwise, I leave it up to him and don't get involved.

Another of his "friends" was out on a double date with us. She broke one of the hub caps on his car and laughed at it. I was standing next to her. BF asked me on the spot why I didn't stop her. My response was: she's your friend. You decide how you let her treat you and/or your things. We haven't been out with her again since, and she has been here only twice in 18 months.