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No Social Worker.......

Ryna0114's picture

Well, no social worker has came.  They rescheduled and husband finally went into their office to tell them just what his daughter was.  He told them that she was a brat that lies, steals, and would do anything to get attention.  He sees her for what she is and it is sad.  I feel for him, because as a parent I would hate to know this of my child.  I use to love SD (years ago), but too much as been done to me and against me to ever be able to open up and establish a relationship with her.  I would never want to even attempt it now.  My H is not a bad parent, he just isn't consistent with her.  That really is the key to a child like that.  He knows what she is, and does not trust her one bit.  She has no phone, tablet, nothing.  He will not allow it.  She wanted to take drivers ed and he said absolutely not, that she was not responsible enough for him to even begin to think about letting her drive.  He just doesn't know what to do with her.  He put her in a behavioral unit and honestly they did nothing, but charge us an arm and leg.  She has attempted suicide at school no less, she staged the whole thing, put a letter on the floor when leaving the classroom, went to the office and told them she took a bunch of pills.  She was taken by ambulance to the hospital, stayed 2 days there and again sent to a behavioral unit for 2 weeks.  She said that she did it to make her dad call her bio mom, she claimed that was the reason.  It is hard to believe anything out of her mouth.  Sadly they did not help her either, and during all that, never has she ever mentioned me being emotional abusive to her.  It was the opposite, she wanted to come home and be a part of the family.  It has been a lot and while I do not love her like a parent should, I do care about her well-being.  I have said for years that she needs help emotionally, I have said for years that I believe she has ODD, because I have never seen a child bulk you like she does.  You set a rule and she will purposely set out to break it, she cannot help it.  She will get mad if you tell her to do something, and will get snappy with you.  She sees a councilor, but she lies to her.  She is great a playing a victim and H has told them this.  They are not helping, you have to want to be helped and be honest about things.  H looked into therapeutic boarding schools, but that is definitely for the rich.  Any suggestions would be great!

I also will not leave even though it is hell sometimes, I love my H first, but I also will not because of our 8 year old.  I have been divorced and had no control on what my X did or had around my older kids.  Never again.  I would never leave if I knew that our 8 year old would have to spend time alone with SD.  At least here I can watch him and know what goes on, I cannot do that if I am not here with them.  That may seem crazy but, I have seen what SD can do when she gets mad.  Thank you all for listening, it does feel good to just vent.  


Thumper's picture

Talking about things DOES help....

It should not take long for the therapist to see thru what is going on. Hold them accountable, ok?




Harry's picture

Basically you have to give up.  You have to keep her away from your 8 yo.  She may need to be in some type of home long term with help for her.  Even though help most likely will not work 

futurobrillante99's picture

You have to give up and you have to have rules. And when she breaks the rules or flips out in your house, you have to call the police.

I'm assuming she's around the age of 15 or 16, possibly older. If so, hold her accountable by calling law enforcement if her behavior becomes aggressive or hostile.

Some places will only really help when the behavior becomes extreme and the police are involved.


Thumper's picture

We were told by a child psychologist to call police, stealing, running away etc.

Ryna0114's picture

SD is 15 and has never gotten physical.  She just calls social workers on me, lies, steals my things and purposely tries to make me mad.  I live with padlocks on my bedroom and craft room.  I never set a drink down around her unless I am watching it, because I caught her spitting in my drink once.  Today I found paper that she wrote how much she depises me and that she sometimes finds herself dreaming about killing me just to get rid of me.  She wrote that she would never do that because it phyically hurt her to insult others, so she could never do such a thing.  Yeah right, she snatched my 2 yr old granddaughter up so hard that we had to take her to the hospital to make sure her shoulder was okay, she had no remorse, didn't even ask my parents if she was okay even after I left with my granddaughter.  My parents were shocked at her behavior afterwards.  That was 2 years ago.  Anyway SD goes on to write that I am Evil and the cause of all her problems, that I make her feel horrible about herself and say mean things to her, although she cannot remember what they were as nobody can.  That I am the reason she wants to kill herself.  So, I am just at a lose as what to do here.  She even wrote that she was no longer doing things to get to me because it was petty and she was more mature than that and she was going to work on her from now on, and she loved it because that too mad me angry.  Really???  I just don't even know what to say, it's like her sole mission in life is to make me angry, and she use to a year ago, but since I have reached out to talk to a counselor, we do the have fun and never show her that she bothers you approach.  And honestly I believe that is why it has gotten so bad.  I go on about my business and have fun, laugh.  SD just keeps taking it to another level each time.  Just lost as to what to do.  I cannot stand the thought of her doing something to herself.  It is such a hopeless feeling to be in.  H feels the same way hopeless.   Sorry it is long venting is hard to stop....

tog redux's picture

I would not live my life this way.

I'm not suggesting you divorce him, but living separately until she is grown is a viable option. 

You say your husband is "not a bad parent, just inconsistent", but in this case, inconsistence = bad.  This kid needs to know that this behavior will not be tolerated, and will be met with consequences, up to and including you pressing charges on her for stealing from you or assaulting you. 

Work with the counselor. If SD won't be honest with her, find a counselor that will support you and DH in setting appropriate limits. In my area, you can get other services that can lead to probation for a kid who is defiant in the home and refuses to follow rules.

Ultimately, you are not helping your son by letting him live in this environment with her.