You are here

Am I becoming a SD????

bananaseedo's picture

Wow- so mom hit me with something unexpected yesterday.  My mom and dad were married 45 years, he passed 3.5 years ago after a long/horrific battle with cancer.  What we all went through was horrible.   My parents were soul mates/best friends and mom had a VERY hard time grieving him.  She has been very lonely, depressed, and has often said she would remarry and didn't want to be alone.

Before my dad passed he told me several times to make sure mom finds a nice guy and not spend her days alone.  My moms family lives a long time.  Keep in mind my mom is turning 77 this year!  She's in quite good health-no major anything...I think she's scatter brained but I think this comes becomes of stress/depression.

Anyways, she's gone on a few dates with a couple of elderly guys but it seems now she has met 'the one'- they apparently are both smitten with eachother and spending lots of time-but it's recent, last couple of months only. They do have a lot in common faith wise, morals, etc.

He has had a tough life but it hasn't made him bitter, but a soft/broken man if that makes sense.  His exwife (divorced well over a decade ago I believe) was abusive-as in physicaly even, his children have nothing to do with her.  He has 3 adult kids-one son committed suicide (not sure when)- one is a drinker- no issues with the daugther apparently.  So he has some family bagagge it seems.

One of my brothers (that lives here) and I will meet w/him and my mom for lunch soon just to get to know him.  Thing is, mom is talking marriage, and not to far off. She says she is old as is he and life is short, when she finally found the one and has waited patiently that she won't waste time.  I asked her to wait 6 months-she said likely sooner, I said ok then-3-4 at least?  So the crazy love goggles can fog up a bit to see if there are any red flags? LOL

What should we as her kids be worried about regarding her well-being.  Mom doesn't have much in terms of assets or anything -her and dad never had much to speak of.   I AM happy for her-after a lifetime of her w/dad it's totally going to weird me out I"m sure but I'm open to him because I really don't want mom to be alone for however many years she has left.  I've been heartbroken worried about her well-being (emotional) and loneliness.  


susanm's picture

Be thrilled for her.  Let her have a last stab at some fun before her sun sets.  I think that is wonderful.  Luckily you know enough about the crazy that can happen in families so you can act as a shield if the drinker son causes any trouble.  Hopefully that won't be necessary but you can be silently on guard just in case.  Best wishes to her!!!!

ESMOD's picture

Rushing to get married at any age is a red flag... potential mental health issues in the family.. (suicide/addiction).. also a red flag.

TBH.. at this stage in her life, I really do not see the huge importance/rush to legally tie the knot.  She should be sure that getting married won't have any financial unintended consequences.. tax implications etc.. 

Unless they are overly religious where their faith would prevent cohabitating.. I would rather see them pursue that then an official wedding.

It seems like her desire to not be alone/lonely is a big factor in this.. not saying the guy may not be nice.. but.. yeah.. love goggles.. (or some other feeling that blinds us).. can come off.. and at her age.. I wouldn't think she would want to be involved in complicated divorce drama.

Felicity0224's picture

All of the older widowers in my family have remarried very quickly. And they all went on to have happy marriages until they or their spouse passed away. I think that after you’ve been married for such a long time, you know what it means and generally know what you need in a partner. It seems super quick to you I’m sure, but assuming that your mom is healthy and mentally fit, I think it’s best to trust her judgment. She does have a lifetime of experience, after all.

The only thing I would recommend is having her talk to an attorney about a pre-nup. She may not have “much” but you don’t want any questions or trouble with his kids, especially if one of them is an alcoholic and any assets he has should be secured for his kids too. She should nail down her will and both of them need to specificy end of life plans (who will make decisions, etc). None of this is fun to talk about, but if he really is the right person then it shouldn’t be too complicated to get it all in writing.

Jcksjj's picture

I agree with this. If shes still all there mentally just trust her. Also, as a side note OP what your dad said about making sure she finds someone and isnt lonely kind of made me tear up a little. It sounds like he really loved her.

bananaseedo's picture

My dad was a one of a kind man....heart of gold-they don't make him like they did him. He loved my mom so much. 

I think yes, it's wise to have a pre-nup/wills taken care of.  I also worry about some of the mental health issues in the kids given the ex-wife issues, etc...I'd like to know what his son is doing-plenty of functioning alcholics don't cause issues in the family...but yet to see. 

One thing I just thought of-final made it clear to us she wants to be cremated and placed besides dad -he is at a Veteran's cemetery and the spouse goes behind the other -using same stone (dad was also cremated).  I can't imagine how conflicted she would fill if she goes on to have some good years w/this guy?  It would be so tough to talk about but likely a conversation to be had.  I'm trying to think what I would do in her place?  Maybe split the ashes?  Ughhh...that's complicated!

Oh and YES I agree I rather they just live together and not worry about making it legal, but their faith would prohibit that unless married-and they are both quite devout. My mom accepted me and DH living together about 6-7 years before we married and didn't have an issue with it, but for herself I think she wouldn't feel right just co-habiting.

justmakingthebest's picture

She should also check and see what will happen to any veterans benefits that she receives and if she can be buried with your dad if she remarries....

Merry's picture

My Mom was talking about marriage some years after my dad passed. I couldn't stand the guy--super macho misogynist and that was SO not my Mom--but I didn't let on. Her choice. We all advised her to make sure she had a prenup and wills so that her assets were protected.

She ultimately decided not to marry him. They remained close friends until he passed, and his kids treated her like a queen. I liked them a lot.  

Anyway, I hope your Mom is happy. You'll be fine negotiating step life. 

Harry's picture

Not you can all can move in with your mother and SD.  Just insist on the bigger and better bed room.  And have a list of foods you will only eat.  LOL

ESMOD's picture

Expect her husband to pick up the tab every time you go out to eat..

But.. when you visit them.. make sure to ignore him and shoot him the side eye while telling mommy he makes you "uncomfortable"..


bananaseedo's picture

LOL Imagine all the damage one could do knowing the sd tricks we see play daily here haha....nah....I'm probably more ok w/mom remarrying then my brothers I'm sure....

When I meet him for the 1st time-first words out of my mouth should be:  So ...what are your intentions with my mom