You are here

The Lazy Husband

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

http://www.amazon.com/Lazy-Husband-More-Parenting-Housework-ebook/dp/B00...

Has anyone read this book? I'm thinking about making it a read. Since HHB has moved out, I'm beginning to see where the girl gets it, and why crap around the house just doesn't bother DH. Why didn't I see it before? Maybe because my bios were still at home, too...so I was being concerned about making sure they followed the rules that I set for everyone in the house. Clean up after yourself, help with house work, etc. DH didn't have to worry about the trash, because he knew I would tell BS20 to take it out. When BD24 was at home, she had the chore of doing the vacuuming and dusting. BS20 would cut the grass. When BD24 left home, I took over all the dusting and vacuuming, which we usually did together, anyway. Same with cleaning the kitchen (mopping, sweeping, etc.). BS20 left for school last August, and I really, really started noticing how little DH would expect of HHB. I thought with HHB always asking for stuff, and BS20 gone at school, it was appropriate to ask that she take out the trash and take the can to the curb weekly. Yeah, it never worked out that way. And because I was always complaining about HHB not doing her dishes, DH was more likely to get up and just do them for her, and do his own while at it.

But once HHB moved out, DH stopped doing his own dishes...he leaves them in the sink and EXPECTS me to do them. If I say something, he will finally do them. The trash? It could be overflowing for 2 days...mostly full with his Styrofoam cups that he brings home from the junk food he eats for lunch. He won't take it out unless I say something...or I just end up doing it myself when the mountain of trash starts tumbling to the floor. We don't even want to go into how many times I have to walk the can to the curb! These days, the laundry is mostly his, as he goes through two sets of clothes a day (work clothes during the day, and then shorts and t-shirt when he gets home)...I have very little clothing in the hamper (I work from home, and don't go through a lot of clothing, and then there is my workout clothes, which many of them I hand wash to preserve them from snags and stuff). I could walk right past DH with a basket full of HIS clothing to take it back to the bedroom and put away, and he just sits there and watches me walk by! The yard work? I'm still in shock that DH even cut the grass this weekend, as every other weekend I've said it needed to be done, and since he just continues to sit in front of the TV, I finally get up and go do it myself. I still do the vacuuming and dusting, the fixing of meals, all the grocery shopping, the paying of the bills, etc. Yes, I have to pay the bills, because if I left it to him, stuff would never get paid! I have to get on to him to file his expense reports for work, otherwise he would just give them free money for the wear and tear on his car, the use of his cell phone for work, etc. (his job requires him to drive to various places around town during the day). Considering DH doesn't make enough to cover his half of the household expenses and his bills, yeah...he needs to file those expense reports to minimize how much I'm covering for him!

Like I said, when HHB lived here, I was constantly complaining about the crap she left behind, and it seemed that prompted him to pick his own stuff up. Now, he expects me to do everything for him! Here are some gems from this weekend!

1. After cutting the grass, DH went into the bathroom to shower. I then could hear that he was shaving. Now, our sinks/counters are on completely opposite sides of the bathroom. We have a very large master bath...his and hers counters are on opposite walls 5 full steps from each other. I go to take my shower later, and when I go to my sink to wash my face, I see beard hair in MY sink and on my washcloth over the edge of my sink! DH had no reason to be shaving at my sink! Oh, and there IS still beard hair in his sink! When I bring it up to him later, he just laughs it off! I tell him, "I don't go leaving messes in your areas of the house!"

2. We are in the car yesterday, and DH is picking at the dead skin from his sunburn a week ago (while driving...yes). I mention that the sunburn repair lotion is on the shelf by the tub. His response was, "Well, if someone would put it on for me." You are a grown ass adult, and you can't take care of your own sunburn?

We don't even want to talk about the chip bag DH left on the TV room floor for a week before he ever put it in the trash!

DH spends hours a day in front of the TV. We both work...we both work 9-5 at our day jobs...he often gets off of work early. I then have an evening job as a personal trainer at the gym. I make 1.5 times his salary! I'm not even going to go in depth with our intimate life, but let's just say I'm sick and tired of him slapping me on the ass every time he walks past me and him thinking that I should be horny all the freakin' time! It is hard to be attracted to someone who sits there and farts the entire time they are home...especially after spending 2 years watching him get played like a puppet by HHB!

So, I'm thinking about seeing what this book may have to say about "encouraging" husbands to take a more active role in the home and with their children, because we already know he is lazy about parenting, too! Just wondering if anyone else has read it, and thinks it's worth the read. Seriously...things need to change around here, or I may find myself a single lady!

princessmofo's picture

"Well, if someone would put it on for me."

I would've responded with, "Why? Do you have diaper rash? Are you a helpless infant?" Dude, grow the f*ck up...

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Thank you! And I just love when I remind him for the billionth time to do something, and he comes back at me with, "I'm not a child!" Really? Because you sure do act like one! Seriously, the guy turns 40 this year, and he can't even do his own expense reports for work without reminding? I often wonder how on earth he keeps his job!

Don't get me wrong...I do love my husband, which is why I am grasping at straws to try to fix things. I want to be attracted to him again. I want us to go do things a couple again. He used to not be this way. When we met, he played soccer once a week. He continued through the start of our marriage. His sister and brother in law play...and they have even tried to get him to join their team. I would support him 100% if he did! I'm not into soccer, but I am into fitness, and anything that would help him get back into shape I would be in full support of! He has asked me to train him, but he won't pull in a full effort. 15 minutes on the treadmill...he starts complaining that this and that hurts and he is done. One set of resistance training, and he is done. He refuses to stop eating crap food for breakfast and lunch, and always complains about the lack of "snack" food at the house. There is always snack food...nuts, veggies, berries, granola bars...no, his idea of snack food is chips, cookies, crackers, etc.

He was diagnosed with low-T a couple of years ago, but he refuses to do anything about it. He doesn't want to do the shots or cream...and he wouldn't remember to use the cream, anyway. I've tried to find him a natural supplement, but we don't even know if it will work, because he can't even remember to take it every day for us to find out!

Tuff Noogies's picture

i am SO glad dh and i both feel exactly the same way you do, on BOTH of those issues!!! i lived that hell for almost six years with asshole (ex). :O

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Sounds like your DH needs some of this:

http://www.poopourri.com/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw7_mrBRDH4Y2UjLHEmfcBEiQA8OTHf0nG...

At least my DH will close the door and turn on the fan. The farts rarely have smell, but it is the principle of it all. Like come on, dude! Have some manners! I know I'm your wife and all, but if I have to pass gas, I will still pucker my ass and go to the bathroom! I don't push them out right there and then give you a dumb grin! And if you are that gassy, then maybe you need to lay off the junk food, like I've suggested a few times already!

Glassslipper's picture

OMG my ex was like that! I couldn't stand it!
He thought it was so funny to sit next to you on the couch and fart and talk about his bowels.
:sick:
Or he would use the bathroom and then come out and say OMG! Its so huge, you gotta see this one!
Yes, very unattractive and no way could I be intimate with nasty gross, ah! So glad that part of my life is OVER!
:sick:

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I have tried to be honest with him about this stuff. It changes for a little bit, and then slips back into the same old, same old. Much like HHB! That is why I'm wondering if this book can offer any other ways of approaching it. Maybe there is some way you can convince them to stop with undesired behavior without attacking their ego, as this seems to be a big sore spot for DH.

I've even tried to give him reason for stuff...so it doesn't seem like I'm nit-picking. For example, he hates the cats getting on the counter. Now, I have noticed that they are more likely to do so if there are dishes in the sink...they will jump on the counter and lick the dishes or drink water from things filled up in the sink when the dogs have drank all the water in the kitchen bowl on the floor. So I tried to explain to him, "You don't like the cats on the counter...well they are less likely to go up there if there is nothing there for them. You leave dishes in the sink, they will try to lick off food or drink water. As long as they keep finding things up there, they will keep hopping up on them." You would think this would be incentive! Nope! Ice cream bowl...he puts it in the sink and FILLS it with water! The time and water it took for him to fill the bowl and walk away, he could have rinsed it and put it in the dishwasher! I almost feel like it is some stupid power play with him!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

"The thing I do love about my hubby is tries to treat me like he did when he was courting me."

You hit the nail on the head with that statement! Truth is, I'm not trying to change him...I want the man back that I married...the man who was trying to win and keep me! The man I have now acts like it is too comfortable in the relationship, and is taking for granted that I'll stick around through all the B.S., because I've fought it out this long. I know the changes he has gone through hormonally over the years have had an effect on his energy level and physical shape...I get that, and I want to try to help him with that. Like I mentioned, he was diagnosed with low-T. We are both in IT, and up until this current job, he spent his days sitting at a desk all day. I'm positive that had a lot to do with the deterioration of his T. He knows that exercise...especially weight lifting...will help increase naturally. However, he has never been one to exercise outside of normal activities. Like I mentioned...he used to play soccer...that was the closest thing he got to exercise. He did that for fun. He was never in athletics in high school like I was, and is totally lost in a gym. That is why I tried to start working with him.

But the low-T shouldn't have stopped the little things...he used to write me notes, get me cards or flowers for no reason. He does none of that anymore! He used to be able to cuddle without being all grabby...now I get close to him, and he just grabs at my lady bits! It's a turn off! Then he tries to say we aren't close...that there isn't any intimacy. I explain to him that grabbing at my lady bits is not being intimate. He always comes back with, "Well, no one else is allowed to do it, right?" I tell him that isn't the point! It makes me feel cheap...no one else is allowed to just hold me either, but he doesn't do that!

But like you said...your hubby treats you like he did when you were courting...like he was falling in love with you and trying to impress you! I'm of the opinion that we should be able to fall in love with each other every day. Of course, I also thought our generation saw marriage as more of a partnership rather than a "man works all day and woman tends to house and children" ideals of the past. When it's convenient to him, it's a partner ship. Otherwise, he is the man!

Cover1W's picture

Oh, DP is messy! Messy very messy!
And he often doesn't see the problem...
DP washing dishes, with very little soap (is there a dish soap shortage? I think not!), washes it out and sets it to dry. I walk by and see olive oil dripping down the outside. DP, wash the OUTSIDE TOO!

The other day he refused to help me wash dishes (new dishwasher can't come soon enough) until I agreed to wash and he rinse and dry. Apparently this is how he and his sister used to do it, and I laughed because his sister probably went nuts on him like I do. She's pretty great.

Or: blows his nose and throws tissue randomly at nothing. It lands on floor (bathroom, bedroom, living room...) Maybe it makes it near a trash receptacle maybe not. DP walks away.

I have put the fear of Cover into him though. I called him into the bedroom this weekend and made him re-organize his disaster of a closet so I could actually put his clean clothes away. He did it in record time.

He's now getting frustrated with SD11 who is Just. Like. Him.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh, we don't even want to talk about DH's side of the closet! When he can't find what he wants to wear, he is worse than a teenager! There is a chair in the closet that I haven't seen in years, because instead of hanging it back up when he doesn't want to wear something, he tosses it on the chair. The pile there got so high, he now piles it on the corner of the garden tub next to the closet. I can't simply decide to take a bath without cleaning up his crap (which I haven't taken a bath in a very, very long time). He got some new pants, and just tossed the tags in the tub instead of putting them in the bathroom trash. They are still there after over a month now! I know he sees them all the time!

Then he goes looking for a particular shirt, and can't find it because it is on the bottom of one of the two piles. When he finally realizes this, he pulls it out and it is all wrinkled to hell. I then have to hear about how I don't iron (because I put all the shirts on hangers straight out of the dryer while they are still hot), and why I didn't hang the stuff up. Um, I already hung it up once when I washed it last...you are the one that tossed it on the chair instead of taking the 30 seconds to put it back on a hanger when you decided you didn't want to wear it! Do you see my shirts piled up? Nope. There is a bin in the closet where I fold up and put my workout clothes, and there is a shelf I fold my jeans and put them there. There is one little spot where I just lay whatever PJs or sweatshirt I'm wearing for the week in the evenings. On Mondays, you may find some of my stuff laid out flat to dry, but I put the stuff away by Tuesday evening, at the latest.

Redredwine's picture

Love this post. I have no problem with my DH farting in front of me. In fact, the first time it happened it was accidental and I looked at him and said "Well, I guess the honeymoon is officially over."

I am on board with all others with messy (and inconsistent) DHs.

My DH has piles. It DRIVES ME NUTS. I am not a piler. I allow myself one spot where bills/mail accumulate but it is gone through at least once a week. DH sometimes doesn't unpack from a business trip for a week! I teased him this last trip when he said he had to pack...wasn't he just still packed from the last time?

He also is EXTREMELY inconsistent. He's not lazy, he just plain is inconsistent. He doesn't follow the house rules himself. He doesn't consistently keep the kids doing them. And he wonders why they don't. Ack! The kids are better at putting their shoes up when they walk in the door than DH.

And, part of my disengagement was not only to give up laundry for the skids, but also DHs. He now does all his own with the skids. (I felt this was more "fair" than "picking on" the skids. Told him he had to handle his stuff and he got to see what was missing, how much underwear was or was not worn, etc.

Regarding the cats in Can'ts post: I have reasons for some of the things that have to happen because of the cats, too. It's not like I'm just making things up to have rules. The cats get into stuff. The fat cat will lick whatever is dirty on the counter. It's why I'm on people to put dishes in the washer or wash them. Does DH? ha.

Do they think the rules don't apply to them, too?

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I purchased the Kindle edition of the book...that way it is safe and DH will not know I'm reading it. Won't have to worry about him finding the book laying around, as my Kindle is locked. Smile

JustAgirl42's picture

Luckily my FDH isn't too bad with messiness.

The farting thing is another story. I made the mistake of laughing at him a few times in the beginning, so now he never holds back. I have to admit that once in a while I can't help myself though and end up laughing, especially when he sounds like a goose or trombone, or when he leans over and one comes out. We joke that he's going to be one of those old men that farts every time he takes a step, or walks up or down one. So it's kind of my fault that he keeps doing it.

Oh, but God forbid I let one slip (has happened maybe three times in SEVEN years) and I'm a HOG.

I think farting makes them feel like real men - I guess some of them think we still want a caveman!

Men are stupid.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

"Oh, but God forbid I let one slip (has happened maybe three times in SEVEN years) and I'm a HOG."

Don't I know it!! Anytime we are in the car, and a strange smell comes in from the outside, DH looks at me with a disgusted face, "Did YOU fart?!" Um, he already knows that unless I'm asleep and not aware of it, I don't fart in front of him! I have hurt myself trying to not fart in front of him! I get that when I'm asleep, some may not smell so good...protein shakes do that to you. Everyone gets some gas...I know this. But when it comes to DH, dude can seriously fart on queue he has that much gas built up! And he squeezes them out to make them as loud as possible!

The ones I hate the most, are the car. He will do it like right after getting in the car or right before getting out of the car. I look at him and say, "Seriously? You couldn't do that outside?"

The belches are nearly as bad...there is the "Oh yeah" belch, and then if he has repeated belches, he will belch out the vowels. Seriously, what is it with men and bodily functions? They are not cute, they are not funny. Grow up! Really, the only farts that are funny are the laughing farts...those can't be helped. You know what I'm talking about...you may have some gas, and someone gets you laughing so hard and uncontrollably that you let out toots with your laughter, and it makes you laugh even harder? BD24 has intolerance to dairy and wheat like I do, and this has happened to her a few times.

JustAgirl42's picture

Ooohh yeah, 'why couldn't you wait that ONE step until you were outside???' -- 'Hey, I can't always control them' -- yeah, o.k.

LOL! You sound so funny and innocent with your only farting in your sleep!

Yes, we call those larts (farting while laughing)...there are also snarts (farting while sneezing), etc. That stuff came out when SD would accidentally let one out and we'd make a joke about it so that she wasn't embarrASSED. Biggrin

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh, I have gas at other times...but like I said...I try my darnedest to not fart in front of DH. Pucker up, buttercup! LOL

Now, if I'm asleep, and he is sitting there in bed watching TV until all hours...sorry, not conscious to stop it.

JustAgirl42's picture

Yeah, after all these years I still try to keep it from him too. Manners are nice once in a while. Biggrin

JustAgirl42's picture

'One day we were on the coach watching TV, SO ripped one and pulled the blanket over my head, saying Love is to share.... I puked all over the floor..... and I said Love is cleaning.....'

OMG, thank God I didn't have any liquid in my mouth when I read that!!!!! Soooo funny!!

ETA: you are not going to believe me, and this is TMI, but I just got up to go get something and I was still laughing...one slipped out!!!! I SWEAR.

ETA2: I feel really immature right now. :O

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

You know...I was really frustrated when DH left his dishes in the sink AGAIN yesterday expecting to wash them. But, after reading about Moon today? Yeah, I'll still read the book and try to see if this behavior will change...but I am SOOOOO glad that HHB is out of this house! I could easily see HHB getting like her older SD, and I honestly do not know if DH would take her side or mine.