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Jealousy getting the best of me

newwtostepguy's picture

my gf has 2 kids with her ex. granted ive never been a jealous guy in past relationships. ive always managed to avoid dating women seriously that i thought were a bad match when it came to my trust issues (I didnt go on a seocnd date with a model looking girl once because all she did was have her head in her phone the whole entire date and flirt responded to other men openly on facebook who responded to her hundreds of selfies) so maybe I am the jealous type. but yeah bad match. I tend to avoid women who will trigger my jalousy for a reason. That being said I dont like it when my gf neglects to mention her ex has been at her house, even if its to see his kids. I dont like that she so lax about him just stopping by at her place and she doesnt mention it to me. I really dont like this. Also she gets along with her ex well all of sudden now they are divorce and she knows way too much about what is going on in his life.She also seems to think i should be happy about this. Why would I be happy about it? Id be happier if they were ifghting and hated one another to be honest. I know that is bad to say but its how I feel. I also don't like that she added a random man on facebook that she doesnt even know and looks at and talks about his posts. He's a commuity figure but not that big a name so I just dont get the point of adding him or even talking about his stuff. She doesnt know him so why does she care? Just venting my jealous issues this eve. Any opinions on this? Am I irrational? Please tell me if Im being so for feeling this way.

susanm's picture

As far as fighting with the ex, you are way off base.  People who are still passionately fighting still have passion.  Why would you want that?  Indifference is the opposite of love.  Not hate.  If she gets along with him and sees him as just another person in her life that she has to deal with because of her kids, it sounds like she is well over him.  As far as the Facebook posts, I have to say that I don't get the whole social media thing but some people love it.  If she is talking to you about what he is posting then she is not hiding anything from you.  Why would you be jealous of some guy who writes interesting things?  Are you jealous of the people who write the books she reads or the actors in movies and tv?  Unless she is doing something actually unfaithful, this is your internal issue,  Have you considered speaking with someone to find out where it comes from?  You don't want to drive someone you care about away when they have done nothing wrong.

Disneyfan's picture

So what.

She lives in her own home on her own dime.  She doesn't have to let the OP know each and every time her children's father (or anyone else) enters HER home.  His jealousy and insecurities should not dictate how she lives her life.

susanm's picture

Exactly.  Depending on their schedule, letting him know every time the father is there to pick them up or drop them off could be every other day.  Like I said, it is much better for this to be a non-event than an "OMG, you won't believe what that SOB did now!"  Strong emotion between former spouses, whether sexual or not, is an issue.  Contact out of obligation that doesn't register on the emotion meter is the sign of a completed divorce.  I have no idea why someone would object to that!

pwoodlson's picture

If they lived together it wouldnt be ok so what difference does it make? It sounds like she has boundary issues. If you read the posts and all of the thread her ex was actually hanging out at her place for long periods of time and bringing her dinner. Not just dropping off and picking up his kids. Also messaging other men on social media she does not know for not good reason is inappropriate.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

you’re dead wrong.

Why? She chose to start a relationship with OP but is enmeshed with her ex!

Disneyfan's picture

Not all people are bothered by what the OP described.

The OP is making the CHOICE to remain with her even though he has an issue with way she interacts with her ex.

  

caitlinj's picture

Exactly. It doesnt look good on her part. I doubt an affair is going on but who knows. For whatever reason she did not want him to know when he was there at the time. Regardless its as if she didnt want him knowing he was there when he was actually there for a reason which is odd. It also doesnt sound like he was dropping off and picking them up. He was actually hanging out at her house which sounds like she is still playing the together family life with her ex in certain situations which is not good.  Also her friending and messaging men on social media she does not know is a red flag. My ex did this type of thing with women and it turns out he was cheating on me. Social media can be very telling by subtle behaviors.

Want2's picture

Your spidey senses are tingling for good reason. Two to one if she hasn’t cheated on you she will. And you know it. If you choose to stay with her knowing it, the consequences are all on you.

Disneyfan's picture

HER spidey senses should be tingling.

   A man/woman who wants to control how/who a SO interacts with due to his/her insecurities and jealousy is not a keeper.

The woman does not live with the OP.  Therefore, she is under no obligation to let him who is stopping by her house or why.

He didn't say that his GF had done anything to cause him to question her actions.  All of this based on his jealousy. The OP would be better off resolving his issues before trying to have a relationship.  

futurobrillante99's picture

If you’re not normally a jealous person, then your gut is telling you something isn’t right.

In my first marriage I knew my husband was too lazy and cheap to cheat. No jealousy as he never gave me a reason.

In my 2nd marriage my husband purposely triangulated me with other women to play on my insecurities then when I said anything he would say I was jealous and insecure. He gave me reason to feel jealous.

Pay attention to your gut instinct. 

elkclan's picture

As someone who carried out a series of affairs during my sexless marriage - what she's doing doesn't sound bad. Sometimes spidey senses are good and sometimes they are way off base. Why do you care if she's following a community figure? Maybe she's just community spirited. And as to the ex - be glad they're getting along. Honestly -way better than fighting and turmoil which someone else indicated is a sign of passion (doesn't necessarily mean sexual passion). 

However, what you're doing does sound a little controlling. 

pwoodlson's picture

What is he doing that sounds controlling? He never mentioned doing anything about any of it. He posted here asking for second opinions because he is worried.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Her having the man she used to f*** in her home is a boundary violation.

Being too intimate with his personal life is a boundary violation.

You’re not jealous! She is violating the boundaries of your relationship. I went mental when my husband’s ex was being too friendly with him, telling him details of her disgusting personal life etc.

He had to choose letting her bug him for favors, wanting to see him, blowing up his phone with msgs OR choose me. He chose me.

He makes his ex only discuss important matters concerning their kid like scheduling.

He is apathetic about her now, too.

You need to run for the hills! StepHell isn’t worth it and your girlfriend or whatever is enmeshed with her ex.

Go find some woman without kids and not enmeshed with an ex.

Run for the hills, boy! Run!

Disneyfan's picture

He is jealous.  Not only that, he wants to control her interactions with others.  Not just her ex, but a stranger on social media. 

His issues will cause her to question normal, innocent interaction with men.  Chit chatting with a father during a little league game, will trigger his jealousy.  Talking to a dad during a birthday party, play date...will trigger the OP.

If the GF is smart, she will pay attention to the smoke signals the OP is putting up and remove him from her life ASAP.

pwoodlson's picture

Where does he say he wants to control her interactions with others? Having an ex in your home is a boundary violation and is inappropriate but even at that he never said "You can't have your ex in your home" He also never said "You cant contact men on social media"  He simply posted here asking if he should worry and quite frankly I think he should.  I think you are reading another thread perhaps?

Step-girlfriend's picture

Pwoodlson I’m with you. And this kind of thing gets talked about on here all the time! Almost no one likes a BM in their home. I don’t think anyone on here would like this situation if they were in OP’s shoes, living together or not. Also, only OP knows if it feels like she’s being shady about it, and he did state that he feels she’s being shady and hiding it. There’s a difference between her ex innocently picking up/dropping off skids, and him just being there for no real reason, or hanging out and then OP’s girlfriend just hides it. I believe I remember from past posts that she knows he doesn’t like it, yet she just can’t seem to resist. 

I call Bullshit on the FB guy also, especially her messaging him about “community events?”. Uneccessary. Your gf has seemed shady and uncaring of your feelings from day 1. Can you see being happy with her and this situation forever? 

pwoodlson's picture

Amen sister! I think if someone posts on here about feeling a certain way everyone jumps on them. The guy didnt even do anything other than discuss his concerns which I think he should be concerned about her odd behavior. Another red flag, like you said, is she doesn't seem to care about his feelings at all. Just like you said. She keeps doing the same thing and disregards any respect or feelings her SO might have. I've also noticed how cheaters always like to use the posessive/controlling card when called out on their bad behaviors. If someone looks thru someones phone and catches them cheating are they really possesive and controlling for looking thru their phone? What if they are the type at all who isnt the type to look thru someones things but something told them they should? Perhaps odd hang outs with the ex at their place? Perhaps odd faceboook activities? lol

Disneyfan's picture

Most controlling folk do not start out on 100.  The control is low key and subtle in the beginning.  So subtle that their victim may not notice it until it starts to escalate.

If the OP has doesn't like the manner in which his GF handles her ex and men i  general, thrn he should do the mature thing and walk away.

 

Expecting her to keep her EX out of her home when she doesn't haveca history of infidelity, is silly.  If you don't trust her, why stay with her?

pwoodlson's picture

It is called boundaries and they are necessary for a healthy relationships to flurish. Would it be ok for me to have other men (exes, coworkers, friends,etc) over at my house alone and even spending the night just because I have never cheated in the past? Im not saying her ex spent the night but I am using your analogy that just because someone hasnt cheated in their past does not make it ok to behave in certain ways and do anything they like. Is it ok to openly flirt and be overly friendly with men just because you have never cheated ? Again Im not saying she does these things, just using your analogy again. It's about boundaries, respect, being healthy with others, etc. Also there is nothing even remotely controlling he mentioned doing that he posted so I'm not sure what post you read. It sounds like he posted to vent and wanted opinions and he was worried? He didn't mentioned doing anything even remotely controlling in his post unless I missed something? 

Harry's picture

The EX.  The person you SO had a personal,emotional, sexual, relationship with, who have kids with, Who can not have NC with.  When they have a relationship with someone else, they can not spent alone time with the EX. 

EX can not go into the house,  He should be picking kids up at the door .

newwtostepguy's picture

It wasn't her just following a guy on social media. I found out later she was direct messaging him and tying to contact him while we were together. Granted it was about community events but I thought it was unnecessary because that stuff is posted publicy therefore it was unecessary plus she does not even know the guy. She was also doing the whole triangulation thing like poster above mentioned, where I got the impression she was trying hard to make me jealous and I did not react. Like I said Im not a jealous guy and never act on it other than distancing myself and quesitoning the relationship myself. Also her ex has been in her house for long periods of time hanging out with his kids in her house , brought her dinner over, etc. things I do not think are necessary either since he is not homeless and lives literally 5 minutes from her place and he has his own place. I know for a fact if I had a woman over at my place who was an ex, a friend, etc she would flip. but the excuse is I dont have kids with them. I dont think it matters. That is a bad excuse. There is still no reason for him to be hanging out there. It's not like he is just dropping off and picking up his kids. It goes beyond that. I remember she was very anrgy and called my phone over 10 times once when I went for dinner with some coworkers after work. It was about work and I even invited her to go with us and I am not attracted to any of these people in the slightest. If anyone is overly jealous it is her not me. I never express mine at least not to her. I just post here and talk to friends about it.

Winterglow's picture

It sounds to me as if you are just not a good fit for each other. You can't change the way she is any more than she can change the way you are. If I were you, I'd cut my losses and find someone who is more suited to you.

pwoodlson's picture

There is so reason for her ex to be in her house, period. Big boundary violation in her part. If her ex lives 5 minutes away there is no reason his kids cant go hang out at his place. When he picks and drops them off there is no reason for him to be in her house, period. They can meet him in his car on the driveway. She also should not be messaging men on facebook she does not know. Very innappropriate. Red flags all around here. Pay attention to your gut. You are not being jealous or controlling. I was with a jealous and controlling man. He would control every interaction I had with every man I encountered. He would moniter where I was 24/7 and would not let me work or have any friends, people I knew for decades. This doesnt come close.

Aniki's picture

Why are you still in this relationship??? Since the beginning of August, people have been telling you this is not the girl for you. You bring up all kinds of cruddy behavior, yet you continue to stay.

Seriously, please consider WHY you find it acceptable to be so unhappy and remain in a bad relationship. 

susanm's picture

Look, if it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work.  People have to be compatible on several levels and what constitutes cheating or improper behavior is one of them.  It is no different than any other lifestyle issue.

I have friends who consider even looking with interest at a member of the opposite sex a no-no.  Being alone, even in a public place, with someone that they once dated or had sex with would be crossing the line.  So they have to be with someone who feels the same way or they are going to be miserable.  I personally have many friends who are men - a couple of whom were previous boyfriends and one of whom I had a long-term relationship with - and my DH has the same with women.  We have lunch alone with them all the time and communicate through email and social media.  I got bent out of shape when he fought constantly with BM and was not fully committed because that was a red flag for me.  Once he was "meh" about her and got along I relaxed.  Neither of us could be with someone who insisted that we had to cut good friends out of our lives just because we once happened to have sex with them.  They are great people!  But my more conservative friends think we are out of our minds and are convinced that we will inevitably have an affair.

If the OP doesn't like the behavior of his GF then he doesn't like it.  She may change her actions for him but she clearly has a diffferent viewpoint and is going to struggle with keeping him feeling secure.  Only they can decide if it is worth it but it sounds like a real drag to fight over when he can just find someone who has the same definitions in a relationship as he does.  It seems to me that would be the answer.

Maxwell09's picture

Just because they are divorced on paper doesn’t mean they’ve truly separated. I don’t mean all couples have to have a violent spilt to believe they’re really over their ex, but there definitely needs to be a veil drop with exes. There shouldn’t be a revolving door to come and go as they please or a instant dial for every personal issue. That’s not his person anymore. He needs to find a new person or they should have just stayed married but lived separately. Seems like she likes being that person he needs as a go-to. She moved on to the next without fully severing ties and now you’re all mixed up. Know it’s not you, it’s her enabling her ex. 

 

 

notasm3's picture

As a very competent woman who values who I am. - I get to decide what is or is not acceptable in my life. No I do not get to dictate others’ actions  -  but I absolutely get to decide what I will tolerate. 

My DH thought it was okay to stop by BM’s home for a chat when he moved to our area.  SS was long grown - there was no reason in my mind for them to be best buds.  It was not acceptable to me so I had the choice to tell him to GTF out if that’s what he wanted.