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Anyone caught their spouse lying or neglecting to tell you about little things?

newwtostepguy's picture

Such as their ex being at their house and bringing them dinner/groceries? They fail to mention it even though you talked to them that day and you find out about it that day from their kid accidently? When you bring it up they up get very defensive. You also find out they follow certain profiles on Instagram of male models and when you ask them about it they lie and say they didn’t know why were following them and weren’t aware of it, etc. then you start not to trust them in general nor believe things they say. Then paranoia kicks in. You smell smoke in their house(their ex smokes) and they claim they don’t smell anything etc  but you can’t help but wonder if you are being lied too. Anyone experience this? 

caitlinj's picture

What she is doing is total and utter bs and if she cannot apologize and admit fault when she is called out on it she might have more serious issues than you even realize. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

Dude...seriously?

I'll make my standard reply.  You're not married to this woman, and you're not living together.  This must be a hypothetical question you're posing just to create conversation on the board.  

ESMOD's picture

She obviously feels she doesn't need to  answer to you..  She is likely chaffing at you trying to control her.  I mean.. like "following" those male models.  Why do you CARE?  Calling her out on it?  Maybe she is embarassed that she followed them.. or forgot she had done it.. what do you think is gonna happen.. that she will run off with one of them?

Her EX obviously must have some contact with her due to a child.. I think she is not being forthcoming because she gets a ration of crap from you.. and she just doesn't want to hear it.

If you don't trust her.. don't be with her.

ladybug3's picture

My DH acted that way when we first got together. He's couldn't cut the umbilical cord, so to speak, because he'd been the person BM was 100% dependant on for four years. I had to almost give him an ultimatum before he stopped helping her behind my back. The last straw was when I found her motorcycle key in his dresser when I was doing his laundry. I knew instantly he had helped her with something again, even though he had never mentioned it to me. 

If you want to stay with her, give her an ultimatum. If she responds negatively or if she continues lying to you, leave. 

georgina29's picture

My SO acted this way when we first got together. He didn’t realize he needed to set some better  boundaries with his ex. She is going to have contact with her ex however him coming over for dinner and bringing groceries seems inappropriate especially when she fails to mention it to you. She needs to set some boundaries with him. Try sitting her down and talking to her about it in a non accusing tone. Explain to her how it makes you feel and how it could be bad for her kids that they might be confused and think she is getting back together with him. Tell her she may be also misleading her ex as well. Tell her how her failing to mention it to you makes it seem like she is hiding something.You two need to sit down and talk. Her Instagram, although immature, seems harmless. As long as she is not direct messaging these men or following them you shouldn’t worry and her lying about it is just silly and unnecessary on her part. 

Evil3's picture

I went back and read your other posts. I don't know why you tolerate this crappy treatment. Your spouse lied by omission, because she knows that she's being a sneak and that you wouldn't like it.

Also, I've noticed that you come here to ask what we think of your experiences. Is that because your SO gaslights you? If so, these people have a knack of making their victims feel like they're the ones in the wrong, or even crazy, for even commenting or asking about something. Well, I'll tell you that you are not wrong or crazy. You are insecure with your own judgement, but you're not wrong to feel the way you do. You do not need to question yourself.

Don't bother asking your SO how she would feel if you did the same things she does. People like her will always swear up and down that they don't have a problem with it. Defending themselves and turning things around onto you is the name of the game. It's even more important than making any changes to make you, her partner, feel better about what she does. She is a piss poor SO and I recomment that you dump her ass and take time to heal (any negative patterns) before moving on so that you don't attract another selfish woman. You deserve way better.

Evil3's picture

Oh, and the social media stuff is harmless. My own DH is a die-hard MMA fan and I know he follows some of the attractive female fighters like Paige Vanzant and Meisha Tate. Quite often, he'll come over and show me a post. I have no problem with it. Hell, I follow some of the cute male MMA fighters. They are young enough to be my son. I'm sure DH and I know why we follow these people. We simply enjoy the scenery. However, we do not stray and don't have trust issues in that way, so it's fine. Also, my DH is heavily into photography and he sees quite a few photos of naked women every day. If his eye lingers on them as he scrolls by, which I'm sure happens, I'm fine with it. He's a man and I'd probably take him for medical care if he wasn't interested at all in seeing the nudes. Everybody does. However, it's easy for me to say, because I don't have the same experiences with my DH that you have with your SO. (There's Mini-Wife Syndrome, but when it comes to other women, I trust my DH 1000%). I wouldn't put any stock into your SO following male modles as long as following them is all she's doing. I can see you feeling devalued as a man and partner given your SO's sneaky behaviour and finding out she follows male models in addition to her sneakiness only exacerbates the rest of it.

I really hope you wise up and move on. Focus on yourself and when you're ready, find yourself a woman who will value you the way you deserve to be.

I'm out's picture

I was going to answer this by telling you to trust your gut blah blah blah but then I read a couple of your past posts.

Why on earth are you still with this woman, she sounds dreadful. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? I can see what she's getting but what are you getting? 

Do you know how many women would love the chance to be with someone like you, why are you wasting yourself on this woman. Go find someone who will appreciate you and treat you with some blimmin respect.

StrawberryPie's picture

Isn't this the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.  If you want a different outcome - do something different, like leave your lousy partner!

Monkeysee's picture

Dude. Nonstop complaining about this sh*tty relationship isn’t going to change anything. She’s never going to be a good partner to you. Wake up!

Harry's picture

When there lying from your parter.  Failing to tell you the EX had dinner there, or any man had dinner there.  She would want to know if you went to dinner with an EX.   You should have the talk with her if you want to go further in the relationship.

 

Monday's picture

Yes, so many lies and so many mistruths, half-truths & omissions. 

I was dating my partner long distance for a year when I caught pregnant. At the time he was the resident parent to 3 pre-teen children. I had none as there was 7 years between our ages and I was just 15 when he began making babies. 

He'd been with their mom for 10 years, married, then divorced - supposedly. He said they'd split up a "few years before" we met when she started cheating on him and taking drugs. 

When I fell pregnant, he wanted me to move into his, which meant leaving my city and playing step-mom to 3 kids. 

My answer was straight up NO.  Already told him that I hated his city (It's literally one of the worst), and there was no way I was starting a new life in his marital home, or step parenting three kids with a new baby under one roof... for a multitude of reasons. Not least being the least that he was struggling to juggle full time work and full-time parenting, he lived like a tramp and the kids knew no discipline or responsibility... I could not insert myself into that situation, because we live so differently and I knew I'd spend 95% of my waking life cleaning up after him and his kids.. That's not the life for me, especially with a new baby of my own. 

This obviously caused him great distress, and he had no idea what to do. I told him that 1) I could do it on my own 2) I'd consider taking on him & his three kids but not in that city. It needed to be somewhere I could establish new ground rules. 

He was actually saved from having to make a tough decision when his ex got wind of my pregnancy and kidnapped the kids and said she'd see him in court if he wanted them back. He informed me of this and said he'd decided that she should keep the kids (she'd been off the drugs for a while now) and he'd start a new life with me. 

When I was 4 months pregnant, not long after she kidnapped the kids, I was at his whilst he was at work, I was due to get the train home later that day. I was awoken by the sound of a woman and a multitude of kids walking through the house whilst I lay in bed. His ex had walked in with the kids to get some of their belongings. I text him to tell him this then went down stairs to see what was happening. I saw her and said "I wasn't expecting any visitors", and said "Well he knows, so speak to him - we best get out of here, now you're here anyway". 

And they left out the backdoor, presumably how they'd gotten in. 

Bearing in mind this was the first time we'd met or spoken. 

He quickly arrived shortly after, after having taken a quick break from work. I asked him what the hell, why was she just walking in, especially whilst I'm laying naked in bed?! He said he didn't know. I asked where she'd come from, couldn't have been far. Then he told me that she only lived on the road behind him. Something he had previously failed to tell me. I said "why does she just feel like she can walk in? And take the kids stuff like she hasn't just kidnapped them? How are you letting her get away with this crap?!" His answers where effectively, don't know, don't know, don't know

Fast forward a month later and I'm at his once more, 5 months pregnant. He went to work and I was cleaning his (disgusting) house. After cleaning out his kitchen cupboards (which even had rotting veggies in them) I moved over to his dining room table which was covered in junk and scattered post. Picked up the first (open) letter that was laying hazardously and was absolutely astounded to discover that it was a letter from a solicitor talking about current proceedings between him & his wife. 

He was still married to her. He had completely lied a multitude of times when he told me he was already divorced. I promptly left and told him what an utter, utter jackass he was. 

But at this point we'd already made preparations for the move to the half way city. Which included the fact he was selling his house to his neighbour to facilitate the move. 

A month later he came to see me in person, and begged me to forgive him, she'd already taken the kids, he was already selling the house and couldn't we start our new lives together. I told him that he'd told a huge, huge lie. I never would have dated a married man, separated or not. I'm walking into drama. Example being when she walked into his house whilst I lay in his bed.  He promised me that there were no more secrets, that I knew everything now. I said "okay, but let me read your conversations with her so I know we are all on the same page". His face dropped and I knew I'd stumbled onto something. He reluctantly handed me his phone (something I'd never asked for before) I opened their messages to discover that he wasn't selling his house to his neighbour, his wife was buying him out as it was a joint mortgage. Something he's also failed to inform me of, many times he referred to it as being solely his. No wonder she felt like she could walk in when she wanted and do what she wanted, she bloody well could! And those odd comments he made about me never having to go back to city all made sense. I wondered why he said I'd never go back there, I thought that was odd as I was thinking I'd have to go there sometimes to see his family & kids. He never wanted me to go back there because he had no intention of telling me that he'd sold the house to her. 

I was fuming to say the least. Firstly because of the facts themselves which came as a shock, and secondly because of the amount of lies he was full of, especially after having a pregnant woman beg & plead with him for the truth. He lied through his teeth. 

Fast-forward, after a lot of grovelling, I relocated half way between our cities and we rented a house with a large spare room to have his kids alternate weekends. I mostly done it for him & his kids. 

That didn't work out for a multitude of reasons. More of his lies came to light (and I've previously only mentioned the ones involving the wife, there are other subjectss he has habitually lied about as well), and I also discovered conversations he'd had with his wife over the course of the first year in our relationship when he decided to tell her a lot about my personal business. I was absolutely disgusted. Again, the crossing of huge boundaries for me. How dare he discuss my most intimate details with his freaking wife?! At this point, I resent them & her so much. But I'm alone and isolated in a different city playing step mom to his kdis alternate weekends. Then she hits us with a huge Child Maintence bill which literally through our finances into the chaos, and we literally couldn't afford everything, including the extra housing costs for the spare room for his kids. I soon came to resent the huge expense that his children were on our joint finances. He text her to tell her that we couldn't afford everything, not with a new baby on the way. She laughed and said the baby wasn't her problem. When she went for the Child Support she said "Wanted to make sure you keep up your financial responsibilities" despite the fact that she's never worked a day in her life, he's supported them completely when they were together, and he carried on working as a lone parent, whilst she once again never contributed a penny. The cheek of this woman is beyond a joke. 

Anyway, we couldn't afford all the bills unless we lived frugally with nothing spare to our own activities/holiday/recreation and I was fed up to the hilt with his lies. Told him I was moving back to my City. 

He ended up coming back here with me for a 2nd attempt at making our relationship work. My baby is now 6 months old. 

I hate his ex, she is literally the definition of a skanky baby mom who has never lifted her finger and uses her kids as money machines. He's the definition of permissive parent and apparently permissive husband/ex-husband. 

I feel utterly disgusted about ending up in this situation by having my right to make an informed decision robbed from me. 

The result of all his lies means that I trust him exactly 0%

He's lied about big things (marital status, joint mortgage, financial consent orders) and little things (I don't know that woman I slept with before) and he demonstrates time and time again that I can’t trust him. Since the whole mortgage thing I told him the rules were that I know about every conversation happening between them. I remind him at least once every two weeks. 

Only last week I discover that he's only capable of telling me half the conversations between them. 

I discovered when I asked him for his phone :(I said have you asked the solicitors about an update on the house transfer yet? He said no, I said why not, he said he hadn't got round to it, I said pass me ya phone, I'll bloody do it for you - because he drags his feet in regards to everything) his face dropped once more, and again I knew I was onto something. Opened their messages to see that she has asked him several times to pay his Maintence early as she wanted to buy the kids something on holiday. She was like "Oh please DH as a favour to me, please" and he bloody did! (their divorced was actually finalised a couple of months ago now, but to give you an idea of the tone)

Again I was fuming. I said "Why are you doing that woman any favours?! And why do I not already know about this". She's raking in the money from the benefits system, plays the system to get more cash, gets 20% his wage before we've spent another 10% keeping up contact and another 10% of activities/events & gifts. She's spent the money on Iphones for them all, and they've been on 6 trips this year whilst we've been able to afford zero. He knows I wouldn't have condoned it. 

Then I discover the other day that he's still paying a phone contract for his son, which been rendered useless since mommy bought him a new Iphone. Which is important because he's now between jobs and I'm supporting us all on my lowly maternity pay. 

To top it off, his kids only ever want to know him when he splashing the cash, and his son only ever wants to know him when he needs help with his computer, because mommy doesn't have a clue. 

This Father’s Day came and went and not one of them wished him happy father day. Nor happy Birthday. I know his son made a fakebook post wishing his mother happy Mother’s Day. 

I'm now in a position where I hate baby mom for being the stereotypical baby mom worthy of hate, and now I really, really resent his kids as they have also demonstrated time and time again, they love whoever buys them the most gifts. Which is now naturally baby mom as she reaps all the UK benefits of being a single parent. 

Mine & his relationship is and has been at breaking point for a while now. I'm not the sort of person who accepts lies. Unfortunately, we now have a baby together (who is also the light of my life), so I'm trying to make it work for her sake, although I doubt we have the ability to make this work long term. 

In addition to that I just now really resent his kids. I've just finished renovating the new rental property and we are due to be having the kids here alternate weekends... however, considering how his kids affections seem to be bought, I'm really rather uncomfortable having them in my home. I can't shake the feeling that his son, at least, is now mommy's little informer. 

I've told him that he might have to consider having his contact elsewhere. I don't feel like I owe any of them anything. All they've done is turn my life upside down, and there's no appreciation for it. 

As for a relationship, how can it work when there is no trust? I doubt it can. I now feel the need to micro manage my partners life, as he can't be trusted to keep me informed. I don't like that. 

 

 

flmomma08's picture

In all seriousness, WHY are you still with this woman??

I wouldn't care about the Instagram stuff - you're talking about models, not people she knows in real life. I think everyone on IG follows a good-looking actor/model/athlete.

The things regarding the ex are what is concerning. She obviously still has a thing for him, at minimum. They are likely still sleeping together.

I just don't understand why you are putting up with this. You have no ties to this woman - run while you still can!

Rags's picture

The male model thing doesn't bother me. The seeing her X does.

If she is still that intertwined with her X she is not ready for you. Or anyone else.

Move on.