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Jealousy getting the best of me

newwtostepguy's picture

my gf has 2 kids with her ex. granted ive never been a jealous guy in past relationships. ive always managed to avoid dating women seriously that i thought were a bad match when it came to my trust issues (I didnt go on a seocnd date with a model looking girl once because all she did was have her head in her phone the whole entire date and flirt responded to other men openly on facebook who responded to her hundreds of selfies) so maybe I am the jealous type. but yeah bad match. I tend to avoid women who will trigger my jalousy for a reason. That being said I dont like it when my gf neglects to mention her ex has been at her house, even if its to see his kids. I dont like that she so lax about him just stopping by at her place and she doesnt mention it to me. I really dont like this. Also she gets along with her ex well all of sudden now they are divorce and she knows way too much about what is going on in his life.She also seems to think i should be happy about this. Why would I be happy about it? Id be happier if they were ifghting and hated one another to be honest. I know that is bad to say but its how I feel. I also don't like that she added a random man on facebook that she doesnt even know and looks at and talks about his posts. He's a commuity figure but not that big a name so I just dont get the point of adding him or even talking about his stuff. She doesnt know him so why does she care? Just venting my jealous issues this eve. Any opinions on this? Am I irrational? Please tell me if Im being so for feeling this way.

susanm's picture

As far as fighting with the ex, you are way off base.  People who are still passionately fighting still have passion.  Why would you want that?  Indifference is the opposite of love.  Not hate.  If she gets along with him and sees him as just another person in her life that she has to deal with because of her kids, it sounds like she is well over him.  As far as the Facebook posts, I have to say that I don't get the whole social media thing but some people love it.  If she is talking to you about what he is posting then she is not hiding anything from you.  Why would you be jealous of some guy who writes interesting things?  Are you jealous of the people who write the books she reads or the actors in movies and tv?  Unless she is doing something actually unfaithful, this is your internal issue,  Have you considered speaking with someone to find out where it comes from?  You don't want to drive someone you care about away when they have done nothing wrong.

Disneyfan's picture

HER spidey senses should be tingling.

   A man/woman who wants to control how/who a SO interacts with due to his/her insecurities and jealousy is not a keeper.

The woman does not live with the OP.  Therefore, she is under no obligation to let him who is stopping by her house or why.

He didn't say that his GF had done anything to cause him to question her actions.  All of this based on his jealousy. The OP would be better off resolving his issues before trying to have a relationship.  

elkclan's picture

As someone who carried out a series of affairs during my sexless marriage - what she's doing doesn't sound bad. Sometimes spidey senses are good and sometimes they are way off base. Why do you care if she's following a community figure? Maybe she's just community spirited. And as to the ex - be glad they're getting along. Honestly -way better than fighting and turmoil which someone else indicated is a sign of passion (doesn't necessarily mean sexual passion). 

However, what you're doing does sound a little controlling. 

pwoodlson's picture

What is he doing that sounds controlling? He never mentioned doing anything about any of it. He posted here asking for second opinions because he is worried.

Harry's picture

The EX.  The person you SO had a personal,emotional, sexual, relationship with, who have kids with, Who can not have NC with.  When they have a relationship with someone else, they can not spent alone time with the EX. 

EX can not go into the house,  He should be picking kids up at the door .

newwtostepguy's picture

It wasn't her just following a guy on social media. I found out later she was direct messaging him and tying to contact him while we were together. Granted it was about community events but I thought it was unnecessary because that stuff is posted publicy therefore it was unecessary plus she does not even know the guy. She was also doing the whole triangulation thing like poster above mentioned, where I got the impression she was trying hard to make me jealous and I did not react. Like I said Im not a jealous guy and never act on it other than distancing myself and quesitoning the relationship myself. Also her ex has been in her house for long periods of time hanging out with his kids in her house , brought her dinner over, etc. things I do not think are necessary either since he is not homeless and lives literally 5 minutes from her place and he has his own place. I know for a fact if I had a woman over at my place who was an ex, a friend, etc she would flip. but the excuse is I dont have kids with them. I dont think it matters. That is a bad excuse. There is still no reason for him to be hanging out there. It's not like he is just dropping off and picking up his kids. It goes beyond that. I remember she was very anrgy and called my phone over 10 times once when I went for dinner with some coworkers after work. It was about work and I even invited her to go with us and I am not attracted to any of these people in the slightest. If anyone is overly jealous it is her not me. I never express mine at least not to her. I just post here and talk to friends about it.

Winterglow's picture

It sounds to me as if you are just not a good fit for each other. You can't change the way she is any more than she can change the way you are. If I were you, I'd cut my losses and find someone who is more suited to you.

pwoodlson's picture

There is so reason for her ex to be in her house, period. Big boundary violation in her part. If her ex lives 5 minutes away there is no reason his kids cant go hang out at his place. When he picks and drops them off there is no reason for him to be in her house, period. They can meet him in his car on the driveway. She also should not be messaging men on facebook she does not know. Very innappropriate. Red flags all around here. Pay attention to your gut. You are not being jealous or controlling. I was with a jealous and controlling man. He would control every interaction I had with every man I encountered. He would moniter where I was 24/7 and would not let me work or have any friends, people I knew for decades. This doesnt come close.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Why are you still in this relationship??? Since the beginning of August, people have been telling you this is not the girl for you. You bring up all kinds of cruddy behavior, yet you continue to stay.

Seriously, please consider WHY you find it acceptable to be so unhappy and remain in a bad relationship. 

susanm's picture

Look, if it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work.  People have to be compatible on several levels and what constitutes cheating or improper behavior is one of them.  It is no different than any other lifestyle issue.

I have friends who consider even looking with interest at a member of the opposite sex a no-no.  Being alone, even in a public place, with someone that they once dated or had sex with would be crossing the line.  So they have to be with someone who feels the same way or they are going to be miserable.  I personally have many friends who are men - a couple of whom were previous boyfriends and one of whom I had a long-term relationship with - and my DH has the same with women.  We have lunch alone with them all the time and communicate through email and social media.  I got bent out of shape when he fought constantly with BM and was not fully committed because that was a red flag for me.  Once he was "meh" about her and got along I relaxed.  Neither of us could be with someone who insisted that we had to cut good friends out of our lives just because we once happened to have sex with them.  They are great people!  But my more conservative friends think we are out of our minds and are convinced that we will inevitably have an affair.

If the OP doesn't like the behavior of his GF then he doesn't like it.  She may change her actions for him but she clearly has a diffferent viewpoint and is going to struggle with keeping him feeling secure.  Only they can decide if it is worth it but it sounds like a real drag to fight over when he can just find someone who has the same definitions in a relationship as he does.  It seems to me that would be the answer.

Maxwell09's picture

Just because they are divorced on paper doesn’t mean they’ve truly separated. I don’t mean all couples have to have a violent spilt to believe they’re really over their ex, but there definitely needs to be a veil drop with exes. There shouldn’t be a revolving door to come and go as they please or a instant dial for every personal issue. That’s not his person anymore. He needs to find a new person or they should have just stayed married but lived separately. Seems like she likes being that person he needs as a go-to. She moved on to the next without fully severing ties and now you’re all mixed up. Know it’s not you, it’s her enabling her ex. 

 

 

notasm3's picture

As a very competent woman who values who I am. - I get to decide what is or is not acceptable in my life. No I do not get to dictate others’ actions  -  but I absolutely get to decide what I will tolerate. 

My DH thought it was okay to stop by BM’s home for a chat when he moved to our area.  SS was long grown - there was no reason in my mind for them to be best buds.  It was not acceptable to me so I had the choice to tell him to GTF out if that’s what he wanted.