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Interesting changes

Notthedoormat's picture

A chunk of my issues/complaints are related to BM and poor boundaries and its been an ongoing issue. I've complained to DH and tried to have sensible conversations about things and sometimes that effort is met with stonewalling and sometimes open ears, but recently I've noticed a few things have changed. 

DH has been bringing up the subject more often.  He continues to say he doesn't think BM "means anything by it" when she mentions their past in some way or says something else I feel is inappropriate (telling DH a boyfriend cheated on her).  I have dug in my heels and tell him he doesn't understand how some women operate and in any event, I don't care if she means anything by it or not, it's not appropriate and she's crossed the line repeatedly.  

He has validated my feelings in that he's said he can understand why I feel thr way I do,  but negates my position when he seems to defend her in saying she doesn't have bad intentions.  I finally said fine, then it's just me,  I'm the one with the problem so I will have to deal with it one way or another, and I don't care what her feelings or intentions are, that I am ok with being selfish to only care about how I feel...  He said he didn't know what he's supposed to do about it.  

He dropped it and I resolved to tell him I don't want to talk about it of he brings it up again before I've thought it through. 

But I have also noticed that BM seems to be taking a backseat more when DH does video calls with SD and sgks (they live with BM).  I am thinking DH has said something to her about it...and if he did, most likely that it makes me uncomfortable or something in the same vein.  Because it's so personal and sensitive to me, I hope he didn't do it in a way that reveals we were having a problem because of it.  But it really seems like something was said! And I guess that's a good thing,  especially if she's backing off.  But I'm still holding my breath,  waiting for the next thing.  Because there's always something else. 

I'm coming to terms with the fact that despite her being a young child when her parents divorced,  she probably does want them back together, even as an adult. I think back to my parent's divorce and even as an adult,  there were times I wished our family was still intact, but if I thought about it for a bit I knew they were better off apart.  I don't think SD has the maturity to understand this.  I think SD and BM probably talk about things that keep the past fresh in both of their minds and that may explain why BM talks about the past and why SD talks about BM so much. Just this week SD was telling DH about doctors appointments and surgery BM is looking at in the near future.  

When DH talks about planning a visit, lately he says more and more that it's not supposed to be this way, with SD and skids living with BM and dealing with her on visits. I understand he's trying to do a fine balancing act, but I'm hoping he understands the scale has to tip in my favor for our relationship to work. Not that I'm a bitch that wants him to forego seeing his DD and grands, but to put me in my rightful place as his wife and GUBM has to cope on her own. 

I'm seeing improvement and hopeful, heels dug in with my position,  so hopefully he's looking at the situation as more than a guilty Disney dad finally.   But I'm not exhaling, yet.

Notthedoormat's picture

Thanks to STalk, I've learned DH is a Disney Dad and feels guilty for things out of his control,  and won't take control of the things he could change. 

She was about 4 when they divorced.  

Survivingstephell's picture

When he brings it up again ask him who his wife is and does he really want to piss her off?  This is about his respect for your marriage and putting his current spouse first, not the old one or his daughter.   I might be a bit busy for the next week or two and see if that straightens him out.