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I don't want SD to visit me in hospital when I have my baby.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

This occurred to me last night after witnessing my SD sitting smirking at me and her continuing difficult behaviour.
I really don't want her visiting me in hospital once I have my baby, I want a little bit of time with my baby and to enjoy seeing my own little boy spend time with the baby without hearing her come out with the ridiculous crap that she goes on about. I know for sure she will make the visit hell by attention seeking- she threw herself on the floor when we were in the supermarket last time we went shopping, and also was dancing like an idiot in the shopping isles, poking stuff in my face and running around (she is nearly 13 and lives with us full time)

When my little boy was in neonatal unit she was rolling on the floor, they had just got over an MRSA outbreak and I as you can imagine went mad at her!

I am hoping that I won't be in hospital for very long, is this too much to ask? I am disengaged from her as it is and the thought of her coming to the hospital fills me with dread! She mothers my little boy as it is EG try's to take him from me when I am comforting him etc
Come to think of it I don't want the nutty MIL coming in either (I haven't spoken to the old bag for 2 years) I am convinced she will be waiting to use this baby as an opportunity to cause trouble.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

I just know that what I judge to be a 'very special time' will not be cherished in the same manner by her. Therefore it occurred to me that maybe I should just put my feelings first in this instance (for once).

I want to be a pigeon's picture

I am told that they have holiday booked so they are hoping the baby comes early!!!! Jeeze, this is my point about them. He will let them know as he sees fit, they have been pretty horrible about us having our second baby together, he is upset with them about this as it is. We have been together for years, own our home and both work so I don't actually know what her problem is! She is hardly the golden grandmother award winner!!!

MidwestStepmom's picture

Once a man goes through the labor experience, then they can have input on the hospital visit. If her dh invites them to the hospital to visit baby, you know they will come into the room as well.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

@tommar I appreciate your comments. I certainly haven't got a golden uterus! However I have got feelings, mine are constantly being trodden on by these people. I therefore want to put myself first for a day or so. As I say, these moments won't be cherished or thought of in the same way by my SD or her Grandmother, I am simply trying to plan to cherish my first moments with my little one without dealing with others agendas!

Betrayd's picture

^^^ yep! ^^^

That time is hers. Goodness a couple of days won't kill them. Let her have some peace!

The Tyrant's picture

Tommar, I think you are right in how this would look with her inviting her family and her other child and not the dh's family and other child. I would make the sacrifice and say I only want my spouse in the room. We are alway surrounded by other ppl and I want to some time to spend just the 2+1 of us for those couple of days. That is fair and is not too much to ask!! I wouldn't give a reason beyond that...

Stepintime0111's picture

Ugh. I hate this. I don't think it's fair that men get to have no input at all just because they can't get pregnant. It's still their baby. Just like they get no say as to if the woman will even keep the baby. If they don't want it, too bad, you'll be paying for life. If they do want it, too bad. It's my body! If your husband really wants his family to see the baby, a few minutes or having them go to the nursery isn't that big of a deal.

QueenBeau's picture

as a man, and a loving man - my husband was ok with my feelings coming before his when I gave birth. Because, ya know, my vagina was supopsed to be ripped open. & especially after we had to have an emergency c section. He was not one bit hurt when I didn't want anyone there but my mom.

He is the dad, yes. But he is also a husband who saw his wife at her weakest moment (right after her strongest moment) & was absolutely nothing but supportive.

I think sometimes we don't give our husbands enough credit.

QueenBeau's picture

His family did not want to come. We were strained, (both DH & I) with our relationship with them. They weren't invited. They didn't ask to come. If they had, DH would have told them no. & if they hadn't so much as talked to me in TWO YEARS (IE meaning they hadn't checked on me my whole pregnancy???!) my DH wouldn't have invited them even if he was on good terms with them. They didn't see DS til he was 6 weeks old.

Look, you're ok with being in pain and vulnerable around people who hate you. & you fear if you weren't, your husband would hate you & your marriage We get it. Not everyone is like that. Not every marriage is like that.. & that is ok too.

OP really just needs to talk to her DH & see what works for them. What worked for my husband is he made sure I was 100% comfortable & happy & didn't care about anything after that.I don't know what kind of man would want his wife being uncomfortable so soon after giving birth to his child. If she isn't uncomfortable? Sure bring whoever. But if she is? Tell people to hold off. Simple as that.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

@tommar yes that's exactly what I am saying! These people have been hell!!! And for once I want to put myself first, is that so bad? There will be lots of opportunity for them but I want time out for me and my baby in hospital!

JustAgirl42's picture

LOL!! 'not like the baby is going to run away,'

I just pictured the baby from 'Ally McBeal' running down the hospital hallway! Biggrin Biggrin

Stepintime0111's picture

When are you having the baby? I had mine not long ago and it's flu season. I couldn't have any visitors under age 14. I was only there one night anyway, so most people waited until I got home to come see the baby.

moeilijk's picture

It can be really cultural, what's expected around having a baby. My cousin married into a Persian family, with her first she was up 12 hours later cooking for 15 relatives. That did NOT happen with her subsequent kids lol!!! I'm in the Netherlands, here, people are dropping by within 24 hours and they stay at least an hour or so. Sometimes it's just too much.

I'm Canadian, and I chose to just not tell anyone I had the baby. My husband's parents are in NL also, so they came by, but extended family etc... they had to wait for a few weeks before we made the 'announcement.'

Also in the Netherlands a professional helper comes for the first week. Their job is to help take care of mom and baby, and the rest of the family. She made the coffee, did the groceries and laundry, taught me how to give the baby a bath, made sure I stayed in bed, brought me breakfast, made dinners, kicked guests out after an hour, etc etc. I strongly recommend you get someone like that, a really pushy person who will stick up for you. My hormones and everything were all over the map and I have a tendency to be a pleaser anyway. So this lady was basically an angel in my life at that time!

My husband was perfectly fine with whatever I wanted.

I don't think you can really keep everyone away for long, but you should be able to limit it so that it's not a problem for you.

moeilijk's picture

Really? For me it was when I starting projectile vomiting and screaming for help. Also I'd been in labour about 18 hours and still only 1 cm dilated. No rush. Damn Dutch pregnancy and delivery is 'natural' attitude.

Mikhaila87's picture

It will be a very special moment for you. However the dad already feels a bit useless and left out because it is all about you. Maybe say you'd prefer if SD popped in for 10 or 15 minutes as you have been through a stressful time but understand that SD and your partner might want to all bond together? I was that SD (I was 11 though) and when my little half sister came along, it was the best thing that happened. I love her dearly. As much as a full sister...It is a special day for all involved. I understand your feelings completely but the thing about not being involved with your situation I can see it from an outsider. Consider a 10 min visit. That should be enough time for her to see baby and not cause a fuss...I'd hope lol :?

Stepintime0111's picture

A compromise involves both people giving up something and meeting in the middle. A compromise would be for dad to bring sd to meet the baby in the nursery without seeing op if that's what he wand to do. Op wins by not seeing sd and dad gets his kids to meet.

QueenBeau's picture

If you constantly put your husband's possible wants before your needs, you will grow resentful & end your marriage either way. Becoming a doormat shouldn't be advice towards saving a marriage. To the point where you are afraid to ask for 2 days after a major medical event to heal before people that disrespect you are all up in your face? Please. That's not the kind of marriage I would want.

TJH100911's picture

Childbirth was not the most painful experience I, as a woman, have ever endured. Burying my child was. And I didn't alienate my child's family during either time.

another step's picture

Every hospital I have every been involved with has a policy that the patient decides who comes into their room or is present during any procedure. If the child is in a nursery and the family is willing to comply with the nursery policies, then they can see the child there. But if the child is "rooming in" then that is not applicable.

If the OP is anything like the vast majority of posters, she is going to have the wants, needs, and desires of her SD govern every aspect of raising her bio-child for the rest of the time that she is with her husband. Whether SD is required to eat vegetables, whether or not she has a bed time, and whether or not she is required to make decent grades is going to be a constant battle because the bio-child is going to want to be treated the same as the "royal child" in the household. This is a HUGE problem for so many people on this board and they struggle with how to teach their own child that they have to behave while their half-sibling smokes pot and juggles chainsaws on school nights.

Is it really so much to ask that at least the first 2 days of the child's life is not subject to that?

hatemyhusband's picture

There was a facebook thing going around . Not about steps, but it basically said DO NOT visit a new mother in the hospital. Visit her a week or two after she's home. And other very useful advice about how to truly support a new mother, not put another strain on her making her ENTERTAIN you. Instead actually HELP her.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

This is exactly how I feel! Why for once can I not put myself first instead of playing everyone else's game. I am not going to let these people have their cake and eat it.
Oh yes I am really going to let people trample all over me and then let them come and play happy families *sarcasm* Erm no I am not!!! I am not a hippocrite and if that means standing up to them all and telling them they can't visit, well so be it.
Maybe they might learn a lesson in life, that they might have been wise to be careful whom they tread on as they go in life.
I guess I am damned if I do or damned if I don't here.
Had I have ever done something that warranted all the crap I have put up with, well that would be different.
Some great and really helpful comments and opinions for me to chew over though!!!
Thanks folks!!!!!

texanTD12's picture

I don't know guys, I see it both ways but more so, I tend to agree with Tommar. Do you and your DH have a healthy relationship among each other? If so, it seems as though this would be a very easy discussion and compromise. If you want to enjoy just you and the baby, like said above, let everyone in the family, both sides, know that you will not be taking visitors during your time in the hospital. You and DH use the time together to bond with the new baby (and congrats). Create those memories just the two of you. All the rest of the world and any drama will take its course once you get home.

Stepintime0111's picture

I have had 2 babies, so yea, I know the pain of childbirth. Maybe I'm weird, but I enjoyed visitors. I was so bored in the hospital and felt so alone and isolated at home. My mother is not a kid person and hasn't even held my 6 week old yet, so I would love having a mom or mil close by that was interested and wanted to help. My mil stayed with me for a week after my first was born to help with the skids. It was wonderful. I understand that you don't have a good relationship with sd or mil. I just don't see the harm in letting them peek in the nursery for a few minutes if that's what your Dh wants. My Dh is great though and so helpful and always puts me first. He would have kept the skids away if I had insisted but I knew it was important to him to make them feel included.

To the poster that called me and others "woman haters", just because we value the feelings of our husbands, it doesn't mean we hate women. You see all over these boards women complaining that bm thinks she is more important because she's the mom and then you see it here on this post. I don't get it.

Stepintime0111's picture

I'm not saying she should have mil and sd hanging out in her room all day. If it were me, I would compromise. If it were important to my Dh, I would be ok with them peeking in the nursery. Op doesn't even have to see them. I understand not wanting people around that have mistreated you. I'm lucky to have a great mil and pretty good stepkids. Maybe I would feel differently if this weren't the case and not care about my dh's feelings if he hadn't protected me from these people!

If you are giving birth during flu season, it won't even be a worry. My skids came by for 10 min when I had my first, but no kids under 14 were allowed at all when I had my second kid.

Stepintime0111's picture

You just said in your last post that moms giving birth shouldn't care about other people's "fee fees". I don't know her relationship with her Dh. She hasn't even said that he's really upset about this. If these people are awful to her and he doesn't protect her, than no, I truly wouldn't care what he wanted. I'm not saying she's an awful person.

FMSL's picture

I didn't let ANY kids (step OR bio) in the hospital during childbirth. That way, there was no perceived favoritism. I told DH straight up that I couldn't handle SD9 in the room and he found a babysitter. Hasn't caused any problems in my marriage! What would have caused problems in our marriage is if DH insisted on SD being there!

FMSL's picture

Oh, and why the hell is it ok for a mom giving birth to not want any of her BIO kids in the room (it does happen), yet a step can't tell the skid to not be in the room? So many double standards for SMs. We can't tell a skid the exact same thing we would tell a bio. Happens to me every fkng day!

I want to be a pigeon's picture

Yes! That is exactly right! I want my own little boy to meet my new addition without her attitude or attention seeking! Without any drama or whatever else baggage she carries around with her. She has a mother, I am not it!! My little boy only has me as his mother and his experience matters. I think you are misinterpreting this situation with a child that will give a shit, this one won't care less about the baby. Neither will his mother. Both will see it as an opportunity to cast trouble.
I want a normal time with my family- drama free!!!!!
Otherwise I would truly love visitors enjoying my baby as it's such a magical time.

QueenBeau's picture

Have a talk with your husband

visit DWIL nation on babycenter about your MIL. A lot of their ssituations are extreme, but they do understand a completely rude disrespectful in law. A lot of people here are quite unicorny about in laws and grandparents rights, but the truth is - my child cannot be around anyone who doesn't respect BOTH myself & DH.

As far as your SD, my DH gave me 2 weeks without SD (she is EOWE so it wasn't a big deal, just pushed her visit back a weekend) with just my son & I because I have a history of depression & was terrified of how the hormones would affect me. I think it was reasonable. I think asking for a few days is reasonable too. Luckily the hospital wasn't even a discussion, with the respiratory virus outbreak or whatever around that time no children under 12 were allowed to visit the birthing center and SD was only 7.

Also, if you aren't very far along, maybe give your DH some time to fix things. "Hey DH, SD's behavior sucks balls and you aren't fixing it. If it ain't fixed, she wont' be visiting the hospital".

btw - my ILs didn't visit in the hospital. Nobody was butt hurt about it. I had my whole breast out majority of the time I was there, & I was bleeding from my incision & lady parts. I could barely move. My mom visited, but my dad & siblings really didn't want to & I was fine with that.

truth is you are going through an emotional time. Stress can stall your labor and cause issues. You need to feel safe & happy. My baby did not leave my hospital room, so visiting in the nursery wasn't an option. You are not an incubator for your MIL & SD. If your DH really cared about them having a great relationship with the baby, he would make them show you at least the base level of respect between human beings.

onthefence2's picture

I've had two babies via C-section, one emergency, one planned (breech). The two experiences were totally different, mainly because one was "the first" and the other was not. I did not like my mil, but thankfully she lived in another state. But of course my sd "had" to be there. She was 8 with the first, and because everything was crazy after being in labor all day and then the c-section, and then the baby was having blood sugar problems and in the NICU, I wasn't even phased when the BM popped her head in.

But for my 2nd, it was a week before Thanksgiving and when sd came in, I *knew* she sounded sick, like she had "gunk" and she denied it. My daughter had a cold for two weeks and was miserable. And I *know* she got it from SD. The 2nd time (only 19 months after #1) there was a nursing shortage and my h went home to stay with our 19 mo the last night and left me in the hospital alone. It was HORRIBLE. After having visitors all day the first day, I was unable to shower because there was no time. The next morning, h had slept on the couch, and was not helping with anything at all. My doc even came in making rounds and got annoyed because he could not wake him to help me with something. He urged me to get up and get moving, etc. and felt sorry for me. Then when I was alone, I couldn't get a nurse's help to save my life. I needed water. I needed food. I needed help with my baby so I could get up and go to the bathroom. I was the last priority to them because I wasn't sick and should have been good on my own.

I say all that to say this. You never know what's going to happen or what experience you are going to have, even if you plan. But the most draining part of it all very well could be the people who think they *must* be there whether you wanted them there or not. Each person should be handled separately. People who want to see the baby can see the baby during nursery time. But once baby is in the room, if you don't want anyone in there, then that is what goes. Whether you want your husband helping you, or a best friend, or your mom, that is what goes. LOTS of men just suck at helping with babies. They suck at being selfless, even for 2-3 freaking days. Dh can bond while you sleep. But when you are awake, it's your call. It's your turn to decide if you are going to change the baby's diaper after s/he eats, or if dh, or someone else who is offering is going to change the baby. Because once the fanfare blows over, it is ALLLLL on you LOL. Not that dh will never change a diaper again, but while you are at home with the baby, I'm sure he will be at work...

I would CERTAINLY not invite ANYONE that I've not spoken to in 2 years. And I agree that kids don't belong in a hospital. If someone wants to bring sd to look at the baby through the glass, more power to them. But the last thing a baby needs is all kinds of people coming off the street to paw at him/her and breathe in his/her face. ESPECIALLY a kid who was just around all kinds of potentially sick classmates. If dh doesn't get this, then he's an idiot. You should rufy him and shave his head!

Sports Fan's picture

Not that long ago, even husbands weren't with woman when they had babies. Things are constantly changing in this area. While it is a special time for your DH, you are the one doing all the hard work so to speak. As others have said, you don't know exactly what is going to happen. I think you have to do what you are comfortable with. It is rare that DHs don't see this as a time when the mother's needs come first. Just talk to your DH. You will work something out.

I do understand your feelings about having your SD and MIL there. When I had my BS we didn't live close to my family. I was induced due to my gestational diabetes. As such, our families knew the day in advance. My SIL arranged with a nurse friend of hers to be our nurse during the delivery and then the nurse sent her updates throughout the day. My MIL and SIL were in my room within an hour of the birth. My DH didn't see any issue with it but I hated it.

AllySkoo's picture

My take on this is pretty simple. Do you have to consider MIL's feelings? Nope, not even close. She's an adult and she's burned bridges. Easy peasy. Do you have to consider SD's feelings? Yep. Sorry. She's a child living in your house. That does not mean you have to let her come. But you DO have to consider the effect on her if you let your BS come and not her. Honestly I think that would be pretty crappy of you, although to be fair you have not said that's your plan.

But the biggest thing - screw everything else - is: Do you have to consider your DH's feelings? Technically, you don't have to. You can, if you like, say that no one matters but you. Just remember that while you can make the choice to "put yourself first", you cannot dictate your DH's reaction. He is entitled to his feelings. So you can say, "This is the way things are and screw you if you don't like it" and have a huge fight, possibly completely ruining the whole "birth experience" for both of you anyway. You can say nothing and just be a doormat and possibly ruin the "birth experience" for yourself. Or you can say, "Hey, let's talk. What do you envision for visitors when the baby is born? I'm worried about a couple things and I'd like to work it out now. Given XYZ, my preference is THIS, but tell me your thoughts" and see if maybe, just maybe, you two can actually BOTH be happy.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

Hmmmm so I should carry the attitude of a doormat and put my feelings aside? I am simply wanting to meet my own baby and adjust in my own way. The purpose is not to alienate anyone,particularly my partner.
I haven't said I am not going to include his daughter, but for the sake of a short time in hospital that I can enjoy my own children in peace, is that a lot to ask? If for any reason we are in longer then it's important for my SD to have opportunity to bond with her new sister or brother.
The MIL can sod off as far as I am concerned, whether my partner likes it or not. However he is appalled by her trouble making and sheer nastiness that to be honest he will not be in a hurry to tell her. It's awful if I am honest that such a joyous time is met with all of this.
My family tend to be my partners now, albeit we area very small family!

AllySkoo's picture

"Hmmmm so I should carry the attitude of a doormat and put my feelings aside?"

Uhhh... did you even READ what I wrote? :?

QueenBeau's picture

lets rewrite this factually.

"No one said into her room during childbirth. Both kids live with them and she wants to exclude the skid and have ds come. She isn't sure how her DH would feel about this. SD doesn't seem to want to be involved, but she hasn't talked to her about it either."

This can all be solved by a simple conversation between DH & OP. Instead she is getting advice like "TO HELL WITH DH" & "TO HELL WITH HOW YOU FEEL". Which are both crazy statements

AllySkoo's picture

Oddly though, that's exactly what I suggested - talk to DH, explain how she's feeling, work through it WITH him. And OP responded that apparently that would make her a "door mat", which leads me to believe she has no interest in being anything but crazy and would like validation that that's OK.

QueenBeau's picture

Idk the OP's situation at all, but you gotta be able to talk to your spouse. You can't just do what you THINK they want & be miserable, & you can't just do whatever the f you want either. I agree with what you said, I'm just saying Tomarr running around telling OP it's going to kill her marriage if SD & MIL aren't allowed but OP's family is, is not necessarily true.

Seems to be a lot more to this story. The way OP is avoiding just talking to her DH, & the fact that it's even an option for someone to ignore her for 2 years then show up to hold their child, seems insane to me. Perhaps he is doing a poor poor job at protecting her. Idk. I'd suggest counselling all the way around. Seems everyone is loco. I mean, as a parent - if my child was rolling around on the floor of the hospital after my first birth - that child wouldn't be at the next. & would have been sent home right after they did that with the first. Someone has to be able to control that kid.

AllySkoo's picture

Oh no, I buy that. It's entirely possible that her DH would be sort of horrified by the idea of MIL (who apparently has been a PIA for a couple years) coming to the hospital anyway! He probably DOES want both his bios treated the same though, and I do think OP needs to put on her big girl panties and TALK to him. That doesn't mean "cave to whatever he says", it just means have the freaking conversation like a grown up! (Not sure the OP appreciates that distinction.)

QueenBeau's picture

Exactly. Honestly, if SD was literally rolling on the floor after the last birth, I'm sure he isn't too psyched about her coming either. Some men get so nervous about telling their moms & daughters & BM's "no" though that the wives suffer because we think "oh he should KNOW this isn't ok" & He's just thinking "how do I not end up in a shit storm... I know, my wife will be forgiving & understanding, we'll just screw her." LOL

Idk what's up with people anyway. I love my sister, we are great friends, we have always been close. My mom had a c-section when my sister was born. I was at my aunts house for a week. Didn't meet her until she was a week old. I was fine.

I doubt I'll have DS in the hospital when we have our next one or anytime after. He can see baby when we come home.

AllySkoo's picture

" Hers are the ONLY feelings that count those 24-48 hours that she is in the hospital"

Oh please. She can't be a fucking grown up and actually be a PARTNER to her partner? She has to be Princess Golden Uterus for a day, all "I am the ONLY important person so screw you DH!"? That's a good way to have an EX DH and end up a Crazy BM.

QueenBeau's picture

I actually thought pp was a good compromise. SD sees baby, but not OP. Everyone is happy.

Stepintime0111's picture

I suggested that and was told that would be too much too and make op a doormat. Op is avoiding mentioning what exactly her Dh thinks about all of this and if she has talked to him.

QueenBeau's picture

I gotta agree with you 2, I had a c section. At the hospital I gave birth at, protocol is you gotta get up by 12 hours. I had the c section at 8:41 pm & was up at 6:30 AM taking a shower (with the help of the nurse of course). I wasn't in pain. I was really really really slow moving though. It was almost like my body wouldn't move any faster, or I was subconsciously afraid of my insides falling out lol!

QueenBeau's picture

BM was a huge baby during labor & after her vaginal birth of SD so the fact that I was calm & just doing deep breathing during labor & that I got up & walked the next morning & was pretty happy (my son was in my arms & alive & well - how could I NOT be happy??!) made him think I am superwoman.

I will NEVER tell him that was normal. I will let him continue to sing my praises all of our lives lol

I want to be a pigeon's picture

Yep! You got it Smile I am not being a pig headed bitch. I am being a mother to my child and my new arrival. Why oh why are some so concerned about the two people that have been hell in my life.... I just don't get it.
Why are some panicking that my partner is going to run a mile because I want to put myself and my little boy (whom has feelings too) first for at the most 48 hours after I have given birth!!!!!!
I have had to deal with 9 years of shit from them.
Seriously?

I want to be a pigeon's picture

I am delighted that you are such an earth mother that gathers in your flocks of children and has a party in hospital, I am a little different to you. In fact, we don't have 'nursery areas' so that new mummies can send their newborn to be put on show for all and sundry to come and nose at and bring their germs or bad attitudes.
In fact, we keep our babies by us to be nurtured and fed and to bond!! Which is exactly what I am planning to do. My partner totally understands and we plan to make my step daughters first meeting special to her.
I am sorry that all you can see is 'Princes dictation' when someone makes choices after having a baby.....excuse me whilst I go burn my bra *winks*

QueenBeau's picture

You are thinking your experience is everyones.

There is no nursery where I delivered DS. Babies stay in the room. The nurses will take them to a small area, basically their desk area, & rock them if mom needs a break. But the 'nursery' is only for babies born sickly.

They daily checks are done in the room with mom here. They haven't done the whole "take the baby to the nursery" for like 10 years in our state lol

QueenBeau's picture

Right in the room! It's nice if you feel all crazy after giving birth like I did. I didn't want him out of my sight. Just left the room for his circ & hep B shot. All other bloodwork & their checks & weights & everything happen right in the room.

QueenBeau's picture

Wowww no formula??? They asked me what I wanted & when I said breastfeeding, no formula, no pacifiers - they went with it. Then after DS's circ, I ok'd a paci (he was so miserable) & they brought one. It's really a big "what mom wants mom gets" floor. I liked it.

My mom told me something when I was on maternity leave. "'DS' is doing fine. You need to focus on YOU right now, because if you aren't doing good - he isn't going to do good. You are the only person he needs right now."

AllySkoo's picture

Your hospital sounds like mine, bar the nursery thing! We have a fabulous maternity hospital - they're willing to go with pretty much whatever mom wants. With my first, I was the same as you - DS roomed with me and I was reluctant to let him out of my sight. Lol I followed him and the nurse to the area they did the hearing tests - even though I wasn't actually allowed in the room. I think they thought I was one of "those" moms, the extreme helicopter ones. (I'm totally not.) Wink With the twins though, I made damn good use of the nursery. They did room with me, but I also sent them to the nursery for a few hours each night so I could get SOME sleep. (Formula, so not an issue. Don't judge! *lol*)

I'm also kind of amused by the "this is the most painful and traumatic thing you will ever go through!" posts. My first was a vaginal birth, my twins were c-section, so I've had both. In both cases I was up and walking around as soon as the doc said I was allowed to. In fact, after the twins, I was hobbling around the halls (getting better and better!) for the 5 days I was there. My last day, someone's DH stopped me and asked about the twins, and we got to talking. He said he was impressed I was walking "only" 5 days after a c-section, and I told him I started walking 12 HOURS after. He stared with his mouth open for a minute and then said, "I've got to go talk to my wife. She's been in bed for 3 days and she had a regular birth with no issues!" Lol A Princess, apparently, and she had her DH hoodwinked that it was "OK". I'm sort of surprised the docs let her do that, honestly. It's actually not a good idea for recovery to be so sedentary.

QueenBeau's picture

They had me up 8 hours after my c section. I was medicated so I didn't hurt, the best way to describe the feeling is stiff. I felt very slow & stiff. I never really felt "pain" healing from my c-section, just stiffness. I only felt pain 1 time they were over an hour late bringing my meds, & it was only if I moved too fast. Other than that I was fine.

I did, however, feel really exposed, vulnerable, and I wouldn't want anyone who didn't support me around me. I was embarrassed to be seen that 'weak'. I am usually peppy & fast talking/moving & I could hardly make it up & down our stairs at home & it took a long time to get in & out of the bed or up from sitting. Sometimes I needed a bit of help. Nobody wants their enemies around to kick them when they are down.

btw - they did the hearing test even in our room with me lol. I mean, they don't take the kids out of mom's sight for NOTHING around here, unless you ask them too.

AllySkoo's picture

Yep, you described it perfectly! I think though, the only time I felt "vulnerable" was the time I still had the cath in. Once they took that out, and I got to take a quick shower, I was "me" again, if that makes sense. I have to say though that I don't hate my skids. We have our issues now and again, but I don't hate them. No way would I have told DH they couldn't come. Now, if I had Dtzy's SIL, THEN I might be willing to have that fight. Just because Dtz got to see SIL's nipples doesn't mean she'd have to return the favor. }:)

QueenBeau's picture

bahahaha! I felt better after my shower, but still the disposable hospital panties, the hospital gown (I brought PJ's but the gown was more comfy lol), the fact that I was braless & had my nipples out & covered in lanolin... UGH I just didn't want anyone to see me like that. Even my DH I told to turn around sometimes.

I also had a bad experience with a nurse who came in the room 3 times & flipped on the light and woke up my DS after I asked her not to. He had just been circumcised and cried for 8 hours straight. I requested she not come back. Then she came in the bathroom as I'm peeing and changing my pad/undies & she was apologizing, asking if she could still be my nurse, wouldn't take no for an answer. I was humiliated. Someone who I specifically said "I don't want you in my room" was not only in my room, but in the bathroom, as I pee & clean myself up!

QueenBeau's picture

yeah some babies need formula at birth if they are too jaundiced etc. That's ignorant to not have any on hand. That's like saying "we don't believe in c sections" & not having the tools to do one there. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, even if it isn't ideal!

QueenBeau's picture

nope. The nurses will take the baby out of the room for you, but the nursery is really only for very sick babies or babies who's moms are sick. The nurses keep babies who are healthy & 'sent to the nursery' at either their break area or desk area. (both are very clean)

The rooms are HUGE & baby stays in with you. You can even call a nurse to look after the baby in your room so you can eat/shower/whatever. They do all testing right there in the room. I had a c section & the OR was right down the hall, they brought me back in after I was sewn up & baby was already in there & they finished ALL his testing there. They took him to another room for his Hep B shot & his circumcision, but other than that everything was in the room. His bloodwork & mine.

I thought it was nice, because after carrying him for 9 months & losing his heart beat a few times during labor, plus him not crying when he was born - I didn't want him out of my sight

I want to be a pigeon's picture

Thank you for your comments and opinions folks! I am hoping to be in and out of hospital like a flash Smile I want to get home to my little boy as soon as possible. However, on talking to my partner he agrees that my feelings are totally natural and he isn't getting his knickers in a knot about it whatsoever. To be fair to the folks that think I am being a big bloody sissy, they haven't met my stepdaughter!!! She can't behave in a supermarket let alone a hospital. On saying that if my stay is extended for any reason we of course will involve her.
The first day or so is not going to mentally scar her for life!

thinkthrice's picture

Skids at SM's birthing are like humidifiers under the ocean. Time consuming and completely unnecessary.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

Thank you! I am completely in agreement Smile not important, not necessary and not my problem!

msg1986's picture

I don't think you're wrong at all in wanting it to be just you and your new baby. I do feel however that you need to be honest with your Dh and see what his thoughts are. When I had Dd 13 months ago I expressed to my Dh that I didn't want anyone there except for him, myself and the new baby. I didn't want my Ss there but because Dd was born during flu season, this wasn't even up for discussion as Ss was 5 at the time so he wasn't able to visit, so I lucked out there and didn't even have to verbalize that I didn't want him there. Thankfully Dh basically told me that he was okay with whatever I wanted and supported whatever decision I made.

Overall I think it just depends on the dynamic of and yours and Dh's relationship.

Monchichi's picture

Having been through this myself just 6 months ago, I feel quite a bit of empathy. Having said this my compromise was no one came to the hospital at all. My two days was spent with my SO and my first born was allowed a quick 30 min visit to re assure herself that I and baby were fine. Be very sure this is the course you want to go an then be fair about it. It's either all of the family or none.

lisamarie73's picture

It's your baby and birth. That should be a time without added stress. You shouldn't let anyone come to visit you that would bring any stress to YOUR time with the baby. Piss on what anyone else thinks. You live once and when you give birth....it's about YOU

SammyMammy's picture

I'm pregnant with our 3rd. I have 5 from my previous marriage and he has 1 nightmare of a SD13. We're having our 3rd together in 2 months. I didn't want SD at the hospital for our first, but gave in to DH and I was absolutely miserable and annoyed. Second time I told DH upfront she's not allowed at the hospital at all. My kids and our son were there, but not SD. This time he already knows. She was with us FT, but basically lives with BM now. She's not even allowed around the 2 kids we share together and my kids hate her so she rarely comes over at all now. It's your birth and your trauma to go through. This should be the one time you have control over because your state of mind is important. Explain to DH and hold your boundaries.