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I am at a loss 'Posted in wrong area so copied'

Ozzie's picture

I am at a loss

Submitted by Ozzie on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 7:32am

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Stepparent Rights

I've been researching the net trying to find answers and this site seems to offer some of the most un-biased advice, so here goes. Apologies ahead of time if I take the scenic route to get to some of the issues. My wife has 3 kids from 2 previous fathers. 2 of them are grown and out of the house (one father), and she has a 12 year old that we all live in the same home. The situation around the house is deteriorating quick. There is no discipline for the child. She will not do it and she will not allow me to. All he does is lay in his bed playing video games and on the internet. I keep getting told that this is normal with kids these days. I can see that, to an extent though. He doesn't listen and can't, or won't think for himself. He constantly has to be told over and over again to do things, and how to do them...right down to flushing a toilet when he's done. He was talked to about leaving toothpaste scum in the sink, to rinse it out when he's done, but if he leaves it on the counter next to the sink, he says it wasn't in the sink so he left it. This is just an example of many more things along these lines. She acknowledges there is a problem and says she will fix it, but that normally lasts about a week tops and then back to the same old situations. I feel this kid is going to grow up to be useless to society and it's happening under my watch. His father is basically homeless, jumping from motel to motel, unless he finds someone off a dating site to live with for a while. This is the example that is being set for the kid. That is a really condensed story but to the point. I'm not sure everyone wants to read a break down of every circumstance, but this has been going on for 2 years now with zero improvement. Her middle child came home from the Army last year and after 2 days I was ready to lose my shit. Leaving stuff laying all over the house, peeing all over the seat, just no respect for someone else's home. At this point I'm seeing a trend. He is getting discharged in December and coming to stay with us, without me being asked of course. I've tried and tried to get my points across and supposedly they're listened to, but brushed off after a week. I don't want to get a divorce, but I am starting to feel there is no other option.

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Wrong spot

Submitted by Ozzie on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 7:35am

I realize I may have posted this in the wrong spot. If so, can and admin or mod move it to its proper place. Sorry

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Ugh this sounds so

Submitted by Sanfranciscobaby on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 7:40am

Ugh this sounds so frustrating. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would be at my wits end if I had to live with dirty slobs who didn’t care. I would stop trying to discipline the 12 year old. I would tell my spouse that if this doesn’t change, I’m out. Give her one week to change it. Let her talk to her sons about this. They won’t listen to you and in face they will do it more to kiss you off. Put it on DW to do something to save her marriage and finally gain control of her children.

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Giving her one week sounds

Submitted by SteppedOut on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 7:47am

Giving her one week sounds generous, given they have been married 2 years and this has gone on the whole time... 

OP, you already know you have 2 choices at this point. 

1. Accept and deal with it. 

2. End the marriage. 

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I've tried to accept and deal

Submitted by Ozzie on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 8:08am

I've tried to accept and deal with it but it's not working. I was brought up with 2 parents not together and my particular situation sucked. I thought I could help him avoid that. He's going a completely different path. I at least had my grandparents to learn life skills from. Now it's a daily thought  of  'You can't make this stuff up' going through my head watching both of them. It took a while but I'm starting to realize, or think, I am not the one disengaging. His parents already have and I can't make it better for him without her on board.

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I get it. My formerSO's kid

Submitted by SteppedOut on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 8:16am

I get it. My formerSO's kid was feral. He was 13 when I left because I 1000% could NOT live with a human like that. 

Did you live with your wife prior to marriage? Was it different before you got married?

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Yeah I lived with her

Submitted by Ozzie on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 8:25am

Yeah I lived with her beforehand. That is when most of the 'I'll fix it' came in. There was improvement. Since the marriage though, it has continually gone downhill. Now it's a matter of dealing with the divorce headache already after a year an a half. We rent and lease is up, so on a month to month. I wasn't about to buy a house with this situtation going on. She stated before she wasn't leaving the house, but she can't afford it on her own. I thought I learned from all my mistakes earlier on...but this one is a doozy...lol

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Yea... I feel you on thinking

Submitted by SteppedOut on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 9:58am

Yea... I feel you on thinking you "learned" and then BAM you do it again! Did the same myself. But, the 2nd time around I was much faster at realizing and accepting the BS and knowing it was time to gtfo. 

Sounds like you also have learned when to call it. If she wants the house, FINE, she's gonna lose it anyway since she can't afford it. Go find a place that works for you - or, buy a place once the divorce is final, of course.

Divorce at 1.5 yrs is probably less complicated than at 5 or 10 or 20. 

Don't waste your life on bullcrap. 

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I'm curious to see how it

Submitted by Ozzie on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 2:06pm

I'm curious to see how it plays out. I'll be pretty livid if I end up having to pay alimony. We're both going to be leaving this with what we came in with.

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Well - first off, this isn't

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 8:35am

Well - first off, this isn't happening on YOUR watch, because you aren't the parent and therefore not responsible for him or how he turns out.

Your wife isn't going to change, so this is an accept it or leave thing, as the others said. But if you still care for her and want to stay, you can just stop trying to parent him at all.   Clean the stuff that drives you nuts and leave the rest alone.  Stop trying to get him to clean up after himself, just leave it or do what makes you nuts - if a gross sink makes you crazy, wipe it down yourself.  Take their stuff and toss it in their rooms.  Keep the common areas to your liking and let their rooms be in squalor.

 

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The gross sink thing was just

Submitted by Ozzie on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 9:23am

The gross sink thing was just one example. There is a whole list of things. I didn't want to put anyone through the agony of being stuck reading the list. I see what everyone is saying and agree. I keep getting told it's normal after it's been acknowledged that it's a problem. I have one person telling me this. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry to family so I went the anonymous route and reach out to other step parents.

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Gotcha.  My DH is messy and

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 10:03am

Gotcha.  My DH is messy and so was my SS, but I just learned to adjust to it because DH was otherwise a good parent and partner.  But your DW is not a good parent and she allows her son to be a slob, too.

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This is who this woman is,

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 12:58pm

This is who this woman is, and how she chooses to rear her children. It seems she mustered a small amount of parenting effort before the marriage, but once she got you "trapped", she reverted to her true lazy self.

The problem with the way she's raising her kids is, they don't launch or become independent because they have zero hustle, standards, or self discipline. One of the older ones is already planning on returning to mama, and that sort of ping ponging is common with people of this ilk. Skids like this never, ever go away because they lack the pride and life skills to do so. 

You made a mistake by marrying beneath you to a lazy parent who expects you to subsidize her and her kids. Save yourself.

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I never had the opportunity

Submitted by Ozzie on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 3:04pm

I never had the opportunity to be a parent myself unfortuntely so tried my hardest to not pass judgement. You nailed it with that whole 2nd paragraph. The whole thing really but that 2nd was spot on. I know I could raise the kid to be a good person. The potential is there, but she has zero interest in helping for more than a week at a time every now and then.

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I am not the one disengaging.

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 3:14pm

I am not the one disengaging. His parents already have and I can't make it better for him without her on board.

^^^^^^ This 100%. I think you already knew things wouldn't work because you didn't commit to purchasing a house with her. Dig deep and do some soul searching. Do you want to continue on like this for the rest of your marriage? She's not going to change and will keep breaking her promises of trying to "fix it". You are paying month to month so this works to your advantage. Follow your intuition and do what feels right for you. There is no way you can help this child if his own mother doesn't put forth the effort.

 

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I dug and am preparing. It's

Submitted by Ozzie on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 9:53am

I dug and am preparing. It's a lost cause. My skin crawls now when I see the 2 of them holding down the couch on their tablets every time I walk by.

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Nope, the adult does not move

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 05/13/2019 - 6:23pm

Nope, the adult does not move in.  "No" is a complete discussion on that topic.   Your home. Your call.

As for the illbehaved 12yo crotch nugget... Set the rules and standards of reasonable behavior that you require for your home and enforce them.  If DW does not like how you enforce the rules and discipline.... she can step up and get it done before you have to or bite her tongue and have your back.

If she cannot accept these requirements..... have the locksmith on speed dial to come rekey the locks and she can navigate her spawn behavioral issues elsewhere and with someone other than you.

 

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Didn't buy a house but lease

Submitted by Ozzie on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 9:51am

Didn't buy a house but lease was in both our names. We're now month to month. I'm getting things in line and being ready for each scenario, if she refuses to leave I'll go...if she leaves I'll stay. I'm hoping spite doesn't kick in and she demands to stay because I'm not about to pay for the place for her to live there, and there is no way she can afford it. It's going to get worse before better unfortunately.

 

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The beauty of month to month

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 7:43pm

The beauty of month to month is that you can go any time you wish... with notice to the landlord.

Notify the landlord that YOU will be leaving and if STBXW and her spawn are on the hook for the rent.

Don't forget to get off of the utilities as well.

Good luck and enjoy your new life adventure with this shallow and polluted gene pool fading in your rear view mirror.

Take care of  you.

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copy paste and then delete

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 5:41pm

You can copy/paste this post - I think the General Forum would work for you!

Then delete this one.

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I feel you

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 5:48pm

I had a kid who we had 50% and she was ping ponging between houses when things got too hot for her. And she hasnt changed! She was as bad at 15 as she now is at 20, except its gotten way worse. I used to call her winona, for getting caught stealing makup sponges at jc pennys. Then Toxic Feral, because she was living with us, had her own room, and it was always trashed, with food containers, dishes, and TRASH. She lived like a Feral child, with no sense of pride in her home space.

She got a job and then ghosted us for almost 2 years. Then, when she was kicked out of her place of residence, she asked momeeee to let her move in. They are identical, her and Toxic Troll BM. Every month or so, they will have some blow out argument, and Feral Check Forger will ask DH for money or to move back in with us. DH said "well, Feral, things are the same, and you hate CLove, why do you think things will be any different or better here with us?" Pretty much shuts the brat down.

Luckily for me, she hates me, and DH and I will be partners in owning the home, so that bridge has been burned a long time ago. She has been accusing people of abuse (unfounded), and most recently forged some checks belonging to her mother.

So glad she is out of MY home, and now the deal is sealed she is forever out of my home with DH. Win for me!

Sorry you are going through this - it is impossible if the parent refuses to parent. I would feel trapped if I were you.

Keep us posted!

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I think everyone has else has

Submitted by Cbarton12 on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 5:57pm

I think everyone has else has kind of hit the nail on the head. Either accept things aren't going to change or leave. 

There's a difference between being messy and dirty. Her kids sound like they are dirty and have no respect for things or any drive. 

I have a cousin who was raised this way. With zero discipline. He's 21 only works 30 hours and dropped out of college. on his days off he just lays in his bed playing video games. And of course he continues to live with mommy and daddy. 

Dont let that be your life!

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Well I dropped the D bomb

Submitted by Ozzie on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 9:49pm

Well I dropped the D bomb tonight. So she thinks after 1.5 years of marriage I'll be paying spousal support, alimony, and child support? For her kid that she already gets child support for from BF.

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ndc's picture

She's delusional.  You won't be paying child support for a child that is not yours.  As for alimony/spousal support, it's possible but not that likely for such a short marriage (depends on where you live), but if she did get any it shouldn't be for long.  Does she work?

I would talk to a lawyer ASAP about the lease and how to best deal with that situation.  The last thing you want is for the lease to continue with your wife living there and not paying the rent while you're still liable.
 

 

 

Ozzie's picture

She already gets child support from her ex for the kid. She does work. She would be leaving this with nothing less than she came into it with. The only thing extra are a couple credit card bills, which I would pay in a heartbeat if it meant a smooth transition out.

Winterglow's picture

If she's working then her chances of getting any alimony are pretty much zero. She can't say she was busy making a home for the family or raising your children (because you have none, right?). Does she seriously think you'll continue to foot the bill for her once you're divorced? Delusional ...

Ozzie's picture

When she threw the child support thing out there, I had to laugh. I told her she never even gave me a chance to be a father to the kid.

Winterglow's picture

Even if she had, you would still not have been liable unless you actually adopted him. 

Please see a lawyer to find out what the worst is that she can legally do to you because people can get very imaginative when they become vindictive.

MommyT's picture

I never thought there was such stupid people in the world. Why do these parents just let their kids be lazy, disgusting sloths? I am so sick of it. 

Ozzie's picture

On top of the 'supports', she's saying she isn't going anywhere and staying until divorce says she has to leave. I even told her to find a place she can afford and I'd get her 1st month and security. So that's just another awesome decision she's making for the kid's wellbeing. Leave him an unhealthy environment over spite. I guess it doesn't surprise me.

Winterglow's picture

If she has a job she'll be hard pressed to justify spousal support. If she is a SAHM then she might have a whiff of a chance. I very strongly suggest you consult a lawyer about this.

Ozzie's picture

What is SAHM, and is there a thread somewhere with abbreviations? Some are easy to figure out, others have me scratching my head...lol

CLove's picture

They dont call it alimony anymore apparently! Its simply spousal support. And that would be determined on a calculation based on the lenth of marriage and the two incomes. If she makes equal to yours, no spousal support, or less, there might be some. It depends on what you can negotiate. It sounds like she wants to fight you for whatever she can get, rather than a simple dissolution of marriage, so get ready for things to get REALLY ugly.

Stay strong. Get your own place and let her take over the place. Move out when shes not there, to avoid confrontation. Take only what you need and keep copious records. Cancel credit cards immediately.

Firstly consult a lawyer.

shamds's picture

she needed to hook you so you could foot the bill an dbam married she doesn’t give a crap anymore. If the eldest child is an adult, she doesn’t get to make executive decisions and say they are movung in...

but there are so many issues here you know will never be resolved and the fact she wants to sue you for alimony, child support and spousal support etc spews she is high conflict and will be on a vindictive rampage to cause hell.

the divorce will do your head in but stand your ground then promise yourself to never get in this mess again with another woman

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

I’m glad to hear you are planning to get yourself out of that situation. Stay steady and strong for the next several months while you work your way through the divorce. Leave the house and let her have it since she will lose it anyway. That way you won’t feel bad about kicking out her and her kid. Yes I agree the fact that she made those threats means she is mean and vindictive and frankly, uninformed and unintelligent.

DPW's picture

The time is now. GO! See a lawyer ASAP, figure out what you can do to mitigate your risks in this divorce, then take action and hold firm. You wife sounds crazy. I can only imagine what she'd scheme up if you give her time. 

Ozzie's picture

I talked to a lawyer and basically gave her a list. If she agrees to the list, then I can go uncontested and get it over with quick and painless as possible for both of us. If she doesn't agree with the list, then the courts can decide.