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skids in school, 50/50 custody, whats your schedule, what works doesnt work?

smnikki's picture

we have 50/50 and the current schedule is that we have ss every mon, and tues, and every other fri, sat, sun....so it rotates we have him 2 days and then for 5, and so on.

bm finally got a job (not to better herself, or to be stable for ss, but because her bf threatened to leave her) anyways, she has to work now so she just cant take having him for 5 straight days. and she told dh that she thinks they will need to change the schedule soon.

okay, dh arranged the schedule so that ss goes to day care mon, wed, fri...that way all exchanges are done through day care, and he does not have to see bm ever to get ss.

bm new schedule is that she does not work fridays...which means she would send ss on thursdays and keep him home fri. so two fridays a month he would have to meet her to get ss for our fri through tuesday visit...

bm wants things to go back to....if its our week we have ss mon, tues, fri, sat sun......and she would have ss wed thurs.......then the next week we have him wed and thurs, and she has him mon, tues, fri sat sun

this all just seems like way too much back and fourth. i have been telling dh that for me 1 week with bm, one week with us, is what worked for me when i was a kid. we did try it over a year ago and ss was having a hard time adjusting, but i worry that with all the back and forth it will effect school and cause too much interaction with bm and dh...ie, ss forgot book or project, etc.....i think we should start getting in the swing of things now....

what are schedules that work for you?!

Thanks!!

Comments

soverysad's picture

We are supposed to have 50/50 with the 5-5-2-2 schedule. We have Wed - Monday for Week 1 and Wed-Fri for Week 2 and so on. At least this way SD has some consistent days during the school week (we have her every Wednesday after school and every Thursday and Friday, and her mother has her every Monday - Wed after school). It was a great schedule while SD went to daycare. Never had to see Wingnut. Now SD is in kindergarten. We have the same issue. Wingnut finally got a J-O-B and we're supposed to fall all over ourselves accommodating HER schedule. Basically, we're her babysitter, which means we now get SD Tues after school until Sat at 8am, back on Sunday at 3pm until monday at 8am. This "new schedule" avoids having sd with a bunch of strange babysitters (frankly I think Wingnut couldn't find a sitter willing to spend 9 hours a day with the little demon) and to avoid the cost of sitters (even though we're still paying CS, Wingnut claims she can't afford a sitter. The crappy thing is that Wingnut thinks this is negotiable based on HER schedule. She wants every Saturday until Sunday at 3pm, which means we can NEVER go away on weekends because we can't take SD and we have to take her to Wingnut Sat AM and pick her up Sunday 3pm. Not going to happen when summer comes! AND if dh and I can't be here on one of HER nights, she thinks we should be responsible for a sitter. Again - NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I think you should be as flexible as you can to show good faith, but not let it turn your lives upside down for her convenience.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

sbplus3's picture

HI, my 11SS has had so many schedule changes in his life I am suprised we are all still functioning... anyways, we had the crazy schedule you described above for almost 2 years and excatly what you described happened. Homework was lost, forgotten etc. Then the Bio parents kept fighting over whose fault it was and who didn't do what on their days etc which only turned into a bigger nightmare for 11SS. He was always confused about where he was going and who he was going to be with so he acted out ALOT!!!, THE BEST schedule for all of us has worked out great for the last 3 years... One week with us, One week with BM... split holidays accordingly, but from Friday after school pick up to the following friday BM pick up has gone over wonderful because there is not any confusion during the week and we NEVER have to see BM unless we want to. Also, as the child gets older etc sports and such are easier to plan and do too. This is just what works for us... hope it works out how you want it to. 50/50

soverysad's picture

This does sound so much better. Our schedule isn't really confusing and dh is very organized, but it does result in too much interaction with Wingnut. Of course if we had one week on, one off, SD would be with babysitters 5 nights a week on her weeks with Wingnut because the dumbass was more concerned about herself and having to drive in traffic than about getting a dayshift job while SD is in school.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

smnikki's picture

its so sad that these women are even able to have children..and that the courts allow them to make thier life a prioriity over their child

soverysad's picture

yeh, and then there are others of us (me) out there who are struggling to have children. I am so resentful sometimes...

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

smnikki's picture

i feel ya! im soooo resentful too...ive been trying for 6 months and i havent, but bm gets knocked up after 2 months because she was an easy piece, and then is a horrible mother to top it all off.

soverysad's picture

Good luck. We did IVF, were successful, lost our son when he was born 17 weeks prematurely and are just really at a loss for what to do next. Sometimes it is all I can do to not choke Wingnut for her lack of appreciation for how blessed she is!

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

smnikki's picture

the whole friday thing sounds good too, that way the child has the weekend to adjust before going to school on monday...we were doing it so that the week ended sunday, and bm dropped him off at daycare monday and then we picked him up monday evening and had him till the following monday morning....im going to suggest this to dh!

thank you

sbplus3's picture

that sucks when they put them in daycare like that when there are other options. i had to let it go though because the courts told us to. we wanted to keep him on her days after school because my dh works from home and i was home early to care for him, when bm didn't get home until 7pm but the courts said no, so she put him in afterschool care. he always got in trouble there.

soverysad's picture

the only reason SD isn't with babysitters (and allowed to be with us instead) is because the courts told her that dh didn't have to pay for childcare because she chose to work "off" hours. She was pissed. She hates giving her to us for extra time, but she hates giving her (our CS ) money to sitter even more.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

smnikki's picture

when we tried 1week on/ 1 week off

here is what happened...

day care lady told dh and i that i full week was way too long for ss to be away from us because ss had no structure at bm's house and was a monster all week knowing that he wouldnt see dh.

every day before ss went back to bm, he was a nut case and would act out. bm said it was because he missed her, LOL, but ss says that he was happy at our house and didnt want to go back to bm. (now i dont think it bothers ss as much because he never really settles in at our house to realize like he did at a week that he was much better off with us and didnt want to go back to the trailer park.

we want bm to agree to a sports schedule that if its your night, you take him and the other parent does not unless its a special occasion of some sort, ie awards. but if she doesnt then we will never be able to get him in a sport that only happens every other week...but we have that same issue because there are no sports that are mon and tues...its always tue/thurs..or mon/wed.

i really think that its going to end up that because bm is a horrible parent, we will never be able to have the 1 week arrangement because any care provider or school will say that it is not good for ss to be away from our home for that long.

i just wish bm would get her shit together, be a good parent to ss, and stop being such a 24/7 pathetic piece of crap drama fest!

thank you though for your post, im going to use the point to address the issue with dh!!

DISbelief's picture

Mon Tuesday, Fri Sat Sun, Wed Thurs, Mon Tues, Fri Sat Sun, Wed Thurs... so on and so forth.

It works for us, we each get two days during the week, then every other weekend (including friday as a weekend day).

The following week:

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

DISbelief's picture

it also keeps us from having to see her... all exchanges are done through school. Smile

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

DISbelief's picture

We did it that was so when it is not our weekend we don't have to go 5 days without seeing them, I don't think I could handle that. I am a bit of a sap when it comes to my kids (all of them) and I start to miss them after 3 days gone. My kids are on the same schedule with their dad, so we have ALL of the kids at the same time and NONE of them at the same time. It is REALLY nice.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

smnikki's picture

that does sound really nice. i too miss ss sooooooooo much when its the 5 day period, but i think with all the drama with bm, its also been nice for dh and i to have those 5 days together since we are newlyweds and all. also, those 5 days that ss is at our house are great...i feel like it gives us more bonding time with ss...when its no longer than 3 days, it seems that ss feels he can never let down his gaurd because soon he will be back at bm's house being fed a bunch of crap.

bm now just wants to switch that she will have mon, tues...and we will have wed, thurs.........she was all super nice to dh and said that it was better for her new work schedule, and she was just asking him to think about it and let her know....we think that since she works later on wed thurs her bf doesnt like picking up ss, unlike me who is happy to help.......i hate that she just caused all this drama and now she is super nice and cooperative and seems sincere. we never know what to do because we never know when we will get blasted with her bullshit.

she signed a paper saying that we could claim ss and child care on taxes this year and next because she was committing fraud with child care stuff and basically stealing 300 from us every month...she actually didnt pull any crap and go claim him first.....ugh, i really just want it all to be peaceful, i wish i could just trust her.

DISbelief's picture

Wow, seriously... the more I get to know about you, the more I am convinced that we have the SAME BM!! Even down to the child care fraud, and taxes. Wow. Crazy.

I would love to have the 5 days straight WITH the kids, but would HATE the 5 days WITHOUT them! Maybe when they are a little older, I don't know. That's the extent of MY "crazy BM qualities". We went back and forth for almost a year before we found a schedule that was agreeable by ALL of us (my ex and his girlfriend included).

I think ALL the BM's pull that crap where they are SUPER nice when they WANT something. BM is going to have a fit when she finds out I am claiming SS on MY taxes... she will probably try to claim him too, but the way the fed law is, I will always win, because I will ALWAYS make more money than her and that is how it works when it is 50/50 custody! HA. Sorry, that sounded mean. But DH and I are filing separately, but I am legally SS's parent and it is more benificial for us for ME to claim him to for DH to. That is going to PISS HER OFF. IF she ever finds out??..

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

smnikki's picture

i know really! if she had more than one child that would be scary!! not really though, because imagine if she had to answer to both of us!

we too really dont like not seeing him for 5 days, but now that we have been doing it, i really see such a positive effect on ss because he gets to relax and let dowm the crap bm piles on him emotionally and enjoy being home with us.....but on the other hand, i cant imagine how he feels being away from us for so long.....well actually i know, bm says he need counseling for the way he acts with her....we are really at a cross road.

so you are the legal parent for ss? well i think that puts you in a much different position when it comes to dealing with bm....for me, bm and i have pretty much no contact.

lol, bm let us claim ss this year and next, including all child care expenses, and we claimed him last year. its funny because when she calls to talk to ss, he is always telling her about how HUGE our new house is, and how nice our new furniture is....im sure she is pissed because she knows that our tax return helped that along (the furniture)...with all the crap she puts us through i just cant help but laugh when she replies to ss with either,,, "what ss i cant hear you" or "oh really thats nice (very sarcastically)"

MsPerception's picture

At first, bf had them from 7a when he go off work until between 6-9p depending on when she got off work. When they were littler he basically really got no sleep before they were in school or like he did with my daughter now 5 make them sleep when he did. Then he found out about what his ex-wife was up to he put an end to that and went every other week Sun-Sun. Working 11p-7a at that time was hard for all of us-new relationship, scared kids and me with 2 tweens and a toddler; what a mixed up mess we were. After his became school age no one having to babysit them the next big milestone was my daughter entering preschool when she turned 4. I spent one year paying a friend of ours $50/week to watch her when he went in at 7a-3p (godsend shift change courtesy of ex-wife's new husband his supervisor). My job nearly took a hit the year before when he worked 3-11 and I had to leave my job an hour or even 2 hours before my shift to take over her care so he could go to work himself. Luckily my boss was more understanding of our "temporary" situation-we were waiting for him to move to 7a-3; rather than issue any threats they worked with me through that crisis. He faces a troublesome journey now though; since my kids and I moved out in April he has no real childcare (his "precious" family who said theyd stand by him if he sued moomoo for custody told him that if I moved they wouldn't be watching their grandkids) and has had his hours pickup from 5a-5p so that even when he does get them from wherever they land he has no real time to parent them-homework, dinner, baths, quality time, bed. I feel terrible for the kids but not enough to have them move in with us; that situation was spiraling out of control in the most basic of ways: disney dad vs taskmaster.

**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me"**

iwishyouwould's picture

We have sole custody with Crazy Girl getting "reasonable visitation" at our discretion. It works very well for us as half the time she cannot even stick to the visits that she sets up, and we learned very quickly not to tell ss4 that he would be going to see his mother until dh and he were walking out the door.

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

TheWife's picture

BM lives less than a mile away from us, in the same residential subdivision, in the same school district. We have every other weekend, and the weeks where she is not there on the weekend, she is there 2 days out of the school week. It's a pretty easy schedule to follow once you get used to it, and it helps that we all live so close.

My husband works at a warehouse less than 2 miles from home, and I commute to work downtown on the train. The train station is next to his job. My SD's daycare is down the street from my train station. BM's job is across the street from the daycare. LOL, we could literally walk everywhere, so flexibility is never an issue on our ends.

~*~I'm THE wife. Not wifey or wife material or #2. THE WIFE~*~

LizzieA's picture

My DD had one week on, one week off, with my EX. I still think that is a lot of back and forth but she survived it. The poor kid learned to pack like a trooper. I think the split weeks is too confusing. "Where am I tonight?" the kid will be asking.