You are here

I am completely overwhelmed right now

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

This is just a vent session because I'm feeling a certain type of way and need the anonymous veil of the internet to help me let it out before I let it out (any more) on my husband or kids.

I have 2 bios-- Irish twins so both babies in diapers. I just had my last during the height of the pandemic and lockdown in my state so we've been very, very hermitish over the past few months. I'm also back at work but working from home per the new norm with my company. I'm not sure if we will ever go back to our business as usual model and will likely permanently adopt this WFH state. So, I'm a FT mom and FT employee at the moment. Daycare isn't open yet where I am since the one my oldest is enrolled in follows the recommendation of the county school system-- which has been closed since March.

All that to say, I'm immersed in my own life with my own kids and my SK's drama that comes along with having 2 houses to shuffle between is really getting to me. I could list all the grievances here but really it's the typical stuff: parental alienation tactics from the BM, overly coddled SK, every adult bending to accomodate SK at every turn, conflict with DH over what to do about SK.

I'm feeling a lot of resentment here towards my SK, and while DH is typically and usually a really good ally here, lately he's been questioning if I'm being too harsh on my SK and not having enough patience. Which, is easy for him to say since he's working out of the home and not responsible for 3 kids + a full time job. So, I'm feeling some resentment here in my marriage as well. Why does this child weild so much power between homes? Why did he have a child when he knew he was in a dead end marriage? I was married before and had no children because I knew it wasn't going anywhere, it wasn't THAT hard to not reproduce with a crappy person-- why couldn't he just do that?! Why does SK get to me the way that they do?! The stupid part is, I let it happen. I let myself get worked up over dumb comments, over instances of "reporting" things between the two houses, over a flippant comment BM makes, over something small SK does. I let it all get to me. 

Obviously going down this rabbit hole is futile, which is why I am doing it here. But it has been hard the past 6+ months with my SK and I'm sensing it all coming to a head with me personally. 


Dogmom1321's picture

Any specifics that are your "last straw"?

Not cleaning up, loud while the babies sleep, etc.? I would let SK be as long as she is keeping the common areas clean and not interrupting your WFH. 

I'm curious as to why your DH isn't stepping up this time...?

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

All of the above Smile

SK is habitually undoing all of the hard work. Once SK gets to our house, it's like a hurricane blew through. DH and I are always getting onto SK about picking up, doing chores, cleaning messes, etc

Aside from that, SK cannot play independently... at all. Unless there's a device involved (which we're not anti-device, but definitely limited device), SK cannot put the imagination to use and go play outside, or color, or play with the hundreds of toys available, or play with the dogs. It's constant up-my-butt-I'm-bored. 

SK is also highly critical. Food "tastes disgusting", a bug on the floor of the garage is "thats the nastiest thing I've ever seen, it's so gross I can't believe it" and you get the drift. Every little thing is commented on and there's a running commentary on how much the babies stink, how much they spit up, how bad their diapers smell, how loud they are, how gassy they are, etc. It's just constant, constant negative commentary (mainly towards the oldest, who is 1). The oldest and SK don't really get along. Of course the 1yo doesn't understand that, but SK has some feelings of jealousy and territorial behavior over DH since the babies were born. 

As for DH, I'm not sure what the turn of events is. I think like many or most dads here he started out really wide eyed and hopeful that SK and he and I would have this big, happy, conflict-free family. And as the years have progressed he sees that it rarely, if ever, really goes that way and he's more of a realist now. He gets very annoyed and upset at SK for behaviors, does discipline and 95% of the time we're in alignment. But the past couple of months I think he himself doesn't know what to do or how to handle SK and my complaining about her isn't helping bring any solutions and he's just irritated. 

ldvilen's picture

I am understanding this correctly that you have to watch your DH's children at home along with your Irish twins whild you are working and DH is off "working" somewhere?  How often are his children over?

In reference to DH and his children, him and BM need to figure out how to take care of their own children.  Now what that actually comes down to, is up to them.  I'm not sure of SKs' ages, but maybe they need to work out a different custody schedule for them to be around when DH is there, for instance.  The long and short of it is, you should not be "forced" to take care of someone else's children when neither parent is around.  It puts too much pressure on both the free babysitter (that is you, SM, in this case) and the kids themselves.  PLUS, you have two tiny ones of your own to think about.

Your DH should really know better.  He should know it is not your job to raise his and BM's children.  That is his job.  He should not be able to get away with dumping his parenteral responsisbilities on you and then, to boot, have the audacity to say you are not being patient enough with his kids.  He wants to have his cake and eat it too, is what it is.  

I feel for his children, anyone would; however, it is critical that bio-dad and BM work out a schedule for their children where one or the other will be present with them.  !#@$!#@$!  I just get so pissed when mom and dad try to use SMs as free-babysitters for their children, and then be.atch about how SM isn't pulling her weight.  No, it is not Evil, mean SM.  It is bio-parents trying to shirk THEIR responsibilities and duties to their OWN children on someone else.  What's worse, is that these kids will, more than likely, grow up to hate you, because they sure as H- didn't want to be stranded with you and you sure as H- didn't want all of that responsibility without authority.  Classic scenario heard 'round the world for how SMs get screwed and wind up with the Evil SM label just for trying to make things work.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

I totally agree. We reached a boiling point with SK back in the Spring before my baby was born and DH agreed that I wouldn't be the primary caretaker of SK during the day and he'd do it all. Well, turn of events with covid and him being an essential worker changed that plan and we had to pivot to a new schedule and routine. 

i was holding up ok until the last 2-3 weeks when it's just been sliding back to the boiling point state we were in a few months ago. The addition of another baby isn't making things easier on the dynamic ( although the baby is a rockstar, most precious little thing and so easy. It's just babies need so much attention as I'm sure you know)

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

I totally agree. We reached a boiling point with SK back in the Spring before my baby was born and DH agreed that I wouldn't be the primary caretaker of SK during the day and he'd do it all. Well, turn of events with covid and him being an essential worker changed that plan and we had to pivot to a new schedule and routine. 

i was holding up ok until the last 2-3 weeks when it's just been sliding back to the boiling point state we were in a few months ago. The addition of another baby isn't making things easier on the dynamic ( although the baby is a rockstar, most precious little thing and so easy. It's just babies need so much attention as I'm sure you know)

Survivingstephell's picture

Fear of losing a kid to alienatation can cause some real dysfunction in a home. Being stuck at home in your situation with no relief from it , it's no wonder you are ready to explode.  
First you need to relinquish all responsibility of skid to his father. Not your monkey, not your circus as we say around here. You have  2 little ones and a full time job.  What is DH doing to make your life easier? Nothing? That's where you start, with him. 
Make a list of things you don't  like to doing and give it to him to figure out how to get it done.  Set aside an hour or so every day where you are off duty and he takes care of the kids. Go for a walk, clear your head, nourish yourself somehow so you can keep being mom to your little ones.  
This is more about you keeping your sanity right now and he should be worried what will happen if you snap.  You might even have to say to him it's either me or skid drama. You can't do both and expect me to suffer from it. 

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

I do think you're spot on. The fear of alienation is real and it's happening and there's nothing we can do about it. I mean as far as I understand it, it's going to unravel any semblance of a decent relationship between SK and our home so long as BM is driving the narrative that SK has been replaced and the DH doesn't love as much or have as much time and attention for SK

Survivingstephell's picture

That's crap.  He can fight it and he should. Every time skid acts up or says something to effect that "I'm being replaced" DH counteracts with "not so".  It is up to DH to make his kids into a family unit.  BM's lies should never be left unchallenged.  He should also make clear to BM that he divorced HER and not his child, that he loves all of his children the same and any lies about that told to skid will be set straight.  
If your BM is anything like mine, she is scared that your family will be more fun and better looking to skid and will want to leave her and move in with you.  DH needs to stand up for himself and make it clear to everyone on how he wants his family to be.  That's on him. 

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

I appreciate your perspective on this, it's true that it needs to be addressed head on. In my opinion, DH is very scared of losing his kid. Maybe not through court order, but definitely lose in the sense that BM will poison the well so much that there won't be a functional relationship. BM is smart enough to do all her PAS-ing very slyly and subtlety. It's never an outright "your dad has two more kids now and doesn't have time for you"... it's more like "honey daddy is really busy with the babies but mommy is always here and I'll never have any more babies so you're safe with me and will always have all of attention and love"

Winterglow's picture

How old is the SK?

Why is she there if her father isn't?

LEt him take her to work with him  if he thinks she's so little trouble.

Please tell me that he does not stand for the comments about your food ...

I also hope he's the one preparing dinner for you.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

Elementary aged so we're in that fun 2nd-3rd grade era of not child-like anymore and thinking they're already a teenager. 

Typically SK would be in school/summer camp, but all of that's been shut down or suspended until the Fall. I'm not sure what our public school system will do, in terms of reopening. It's likely they won't reopen until Jan 2021 and might force our hands at homeschooling the remainder of this calendar year. 

The food and other comments are shut down quickly. They're just annoying and rude. Neither of us allow it, it's just part of SK that gets under my skin. Everyone and thing is "gross" or "disgusting". With two small children there's a lot of diapers, spit up, blow outs, baby food, sticky fingers, etc... so SK can't miss or pass up an opportunity to gripe about those things. 

I wish DH could take ALL the kids to work some days haha. But he's not able to do so, it'd be an OSHA violation so work days with dad aren't an option. Pre-Covid we had a very manageable system where I wasn't ever solo with my SK, and if I was it was rare. Now that all childcare has been suspended pretty much, I'm solo much more frequently 

Winterglow's picture

Ok, so he can't take his kid to work. I may have missed it but why can't rhey stay with their mom? This is not your problem... 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Are there any family or friends who could help out? Could your mother come for a visit to give you a hand?

Even with COVID, your H is a father of THREE. Your workload has increased substantially, and he needs to find ways to open up his schedule a bit to offer you respite.

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

Yes, thankfully my MIL does offer some help 1-2x a week. She's older and 3 kids on one is too much so I usually take one with me and leave 2 with her, but it does help!



BethAnne's picture

If the child's mother cannot take them and you are absolutely stuck with them, then I would do the absolute minimum possible. Let the child play on their device if that gets you some peace. Make dad put out some activities for the child to do in their room for the day before he goes to work. Get him to list activities the child can do independently and pin it to their bedroom wall. If the child tells you that they are bored, tell them that is a good thing becuase kids need to be bored and tell them to go and be bored in their room. Feed the child food at meal times, if the food is refuesed the child can make themselves a sandwich. When your husband gets home, go out for an hour long walk and tell your husband to pick the house up so that you can relax when you get back.

Work out phrases to say to common types of complains or comments from your sk. Examples could be: I'm bored - good, kids are meant to be bored. I hate your food - fine, don't eat it there is more for us then. I'm hungry - eat what I made for lunch or make a sandwich. The baby is gross - so is your attitude but luckily for you both parents keep loving their kids even when they are gross. 

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

Thank you, I'll be using those phrases! Especially the "gross" one, that seems to be a favorite as of late so I'll be sure to incorporate that one Smile

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

60/40 is the current arrangement. 

Regarding going to mom: she's in a similar situation, working parent outside the home (no work from home option). We're responsible for childcare on our days, which we would typically have if not for covid. I believe BMs mom watches SK on her days but is unable to do so on ours for some reason. 

Pregnantwithquestions's picture

Correct, he is the NCP.

We just went to court within the past 2 years and dropped about 10k to increase our time to the 60/40 current situation, so DH is very hesitant to NOT take our allotted days considering how we had to fight tooth and nail to get what we do have.

I guess we could look into getting someone to come in and help me during the day for the next 6-8 weeks until school starts or until at least a decision is reached regarding it and we can at least know if we'll be on the hook for homeschooling. There's no way I can do that on top of my own workload and 2 babies... so it might be worth looking into part time in home childcare/ homework administrator on our days. 


Rags's picture

The beauty and likely only advantage to being the NCP is that the NCP does not have to take their COd visitation.  And.. if the NCP refuses visitation the CP is still on the hook to care for the kid. The CP cannot deny visitation without consequence but the NCP can certainly refuse it.

DH needs to learn to take control and actively manage within his COd rights.  Any time a party to a family law case plays the "I don't want to upset........" they are in all liklihood either lacking the stones to be assertive or are willfully ignorant of their rights and the power they have within the CO.

Though we were the CP side of our blended family adventure, we knew the CO forwards, backwards, upside down, rightside up and sideways.  The SpermClan never even read it.  We also had copies of the supplemental county rules around custody, support, visitation, etc... the state regulartions as well as complete records of the court records, Spermidiot arrest records, his tax and income records, PI reports and videos and statements from the Constable who the Spermidiot physically ran from when being served to appear in court for a CS review.

When we would get to court their ignorance of the CO, etc... would drive the Judge insane with frustration.  He repeatedly scolded them by reming them he was not their legal counsel and it was not his job to explain the law to them.  We were thanked by a Judge on more than one occassion for providing complete and extensive documentation for review and effectively preparing so as not to waste the courts time, etc.....

Your DH needs to learn everything regarding his rights and enforce his rights while not tolerating BM to interfere in his life, your marriage or his time with his children.

IMHO of course.