You are here

Going thru the kids for cancelling an evening visitation

frustratedmom's picture


I would like to have your opinion if my dh and I are in the wrong...

Yesterday morning (wed) starting at 7:45am we called numerous times to my Sd home to inform her that we would not be having her come over for her wed. evening visitation due to strep throat, and flu/vomiting going around in our home. We did not want to expose my sd to this. Anway when we called over there another woman's voice was on the answering machine and gave on the machine a different number that we never even dialed so since we were unsuccessful with reaching my sd we called her at school, she called us back here at home and I told her that her dad was not feeling good and that others in the home were vomiting, running fevers so we would not be picking her up. She responded that "thats fine" and I told her to make sure she lets her mom know.

At 5:10pm last night the BM calls us and we pick up the phone and she starts screaming at the top of her lungs threatening my dh that she was going to call the lawyer, and take him to mediation for going through the sd for cancelling and not calling bm. He explained the problem and she said she didn't care, that was besides the point that he should of called bm. She also said sd was crying at home wondering where bm was and this kid walks home everyday and is starting junior high school next year. She treats her like a freakin baby!

I personally think we did everything fine, so do you think we should of called bm?? I think overall she's just pissed off cause it ruined an evening for her to smoke a little and catch a good buzz LOL! :sick:

WifeVersion2.0's picture

Yes, your DH should have called BM. It's up to the parents to communicate in this manner, not the children's responsibility.

What if SD hadn't been able to get ahold of BM and BM thought she was with you guys. You need to make sure you have current contact information for getting ahold of the child's mother and use it.

If my ex had done this, I'd be ticked off too!

Anon2009's picture

I generally don't think it's a good idea to go through any child. If you have BM's email address, I'd recommend sending an email to her for stuff like this. That way, you don't have to talk to her, but you can create a paper trail.

Jsmom's picture

You should have emailed or texted BM. I do not believe in phone communication anymore. But, yes she should be notified, not the child.

skylarksms's picture

I know our BM had a holy fit about us relaying messages through our skids. I can understand why. Kids are not mature enough to be responsible for information that can affect adults in court. No matter if they are 17, even.

Also, in any situation where the bioparents have animosity towards each other, a child may (mistakenly) think that the parent is angry with THEM instead of the other parent that the child relays the message for.

The judge said to keep this from happening (we have a no contact order), we would exchange a Parenting Journal for anything we felt the other parent would need to know but was not an emergency (the only reason for contact in our order).

Anyway, her having a fit about it did not stop HER from having skids call when SHE wanted to cancel - leaving H to be the "bad guy" if he wanted to have them come anyway. AND she has (once again) stopped sending the Parent's Journal.

She seems to think - even though the judge has told her otherwise - that she only needs to send it if SHE has something to say. Not that WE might have something to tell HER!!!

Ugh. I can hardly wait until it is ALL over............

frustratedmom's picture

skylarksms- this is similar crap that we deal with as well. Maybe it was wrong that we went thru the SD as some say but BM does the same thing that we are at fault for, for instance pick up time for SD is at 8:00pm. so she told our SD that she wouldn't be picking her up anymore from our home at 8:00 instead she will be picking her up at 8:30 cause her favorite show "SURVIVOR" is on and not ONCE did she ok this time change with us. Makes me furious... we go to bed early because we get up at 5am. now we have to sit around for BM to pick up at 8:30, and now sometimes it's 5 or 10 min. after that!

I have finally come to the conclusion that my SD is "so far" a good kid and doesn't cause any problems, she's actually one of the "normal kids" and it's probably a good thing that she is here and not with BM cause the BM is a crazy freak! but what I'm gonna start doing is go ahead at 7:30 take my make up off, brush our teeth and lay in bed and wait till the BM mom comes. We aren't going to let this late pick up ruin our routine but, back to the begining she does the same thing we do!

pastepmomof3's picture

I understand why you did it, however, all efforts should've been made to get in touch with BM. Now if the contact info you have for her isn't good, that's a different story. I still would've left a voicemail even though you didn't recognize the name. The idea about email is another good method. If she's still cranked about it, you can also pull the phone records showing what number you called, how many times you called, when you called, etc. You were cancelling visitation for a valid reason and any lawyer is going to tell her to get over it. I think it was okay to let the kid know what was going on, but she should never be used as a messenger. That is a one-way ticket to a contempt charge every time.

Just a side note, if this is the first time it happened and the only thing she can bitch about, she can't take you to court just over that. Typically one needs to show a pattern of contempt before a judge will hear it, let alone mediation. Just be smarter about it next time.

dakotamom's picture

my DH NEVER contacts BM about his time with his kids. If we aren't going to be around he will contact the kids and tell them. Never does he call BM - she's a bitch about everything so he doesnt' even mess with her. the skids are now teenagers and they are responsible for transporting themselves, but i've been around 3 years and all communication has always been done with the children. they are responsible for telling their mother where they're at and what they're doing. if she can't keep track of them it's her issue. Keep in mind we have teenagers. i'm sure this was not the case when they were younger, it's developed into this.
If you tried to contact her good job to you. you did the best thing possible by at least notifying the SD of the change of events.
don't let the others make you feel bad.

love for animals's picture

My SD has a cell phone now and a facebook. So if we want to ask about her and the 2 boys we send her a message on facebook. I just emailed her the other night to ask her to think about if she and her 2 brothers wanted to come to our house this next summer like they do every summer. SD 14 has a job now so if she came she wouldn't spend the whole time here, she would have to go back after a week or two. And the boys like to follow their sister so I'm not sure what they are going to do. But the reason I asked so early is because if they are coming we have to buy them beds and stuff for their rooms, we just bought a house and we don't have anything for them. I did not talk to BM over this cause it is not her decision if the kids come or not. Once SD gives me an answer I will email BM and tell her they wont be coming.

Your situation, i don't find that you did anything wrong. I would have done the same thing. I don't think parents have to have 100% communication when it comes to everything. If the kid is old enough then you didn't need to talk to BM. BM is definitely wrong on calling and yelling about this.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

I think you should've contacted bm by cell, email, text, work...whatever first. Then told sd as a side note, just so she knows what is going on. Idk why sd was contacted at school for this. That is kind of disturbing. Did ou call the school office and pull her out of class to talk to her? Did youcall her cell phone and interrupt her while in class? That is more disturbing to me. Anyway, in our CO I states that neither parent can go thru the child to make arranements or involve the child in any way regarding visitation schedules. So if it says something like that in your co then yeah, you guys were in the wrong. if not, then technically you aren't wrong, but do you really trust a kid to relay accurate messages? For future refernce contact bm first.