Either BM's getting more crazy or I am Totally Bonkers
So BM is taking us to court so she can move twin SD/SS5 out of state (a 3 hour drive away). This week in the land-of-pre-court stress:
a) She's been hoarding all the kids' form/notices and signed up for conferences without speaking with my partner. He had to contact both the teachers separately to get signed up for a conference time. We scan and email everything form/notice related and email it to her but the courtesy isn't returned.
b) The caretakers in the after-school program told me that they've had a hard time talking with BM and that she isn't cooperative. They also informed me that SS has been coming to school in princess pumps and sometimes make-up. This is the second round of caretakers the kids' have had where they've said that they can't really talk to BM without it becoming a problem.
c) SS has regressed so much in potty training that we've had to go back to trainers. BM is accusing us of traumatizing/abusing him. Caretakers at the after-school program tried to talk with her about SS' potty training issues but she refused to admit there was a problem at her house and says that it only happens when SS is with us.
d) BM has been bad-mouthing my partner and I in front of the after-school staff.
e) BM forgot a doctor's appt for SS and didn't tell us about it until after the fact. (She refuses to share medical/insurance info despite a CO that directs her to.)
And to make matters more stressful, the court still hasn't scheduled the date for our hearing. We need this thing to start -- desperately. The stress is eating at my partner and I... Poor SKs, they deserve better than this.
It'll be difficult to prove
It'll be difficult to prove she's breaking the court order but do the best you can and hubby can present what he has at court.
If hubby puts up a complaint its unlikely she'll get permission to go three hours away and certainly if she does get permission the court should order her to pay for all transportation for visitation. I.e. she delivers and picks him up or pays for public transportation such as air fare. After all its not hubby's fault she's moving.
We're hoping that this is all
We're hoping that this is all going to give him grounds to push for primary custody. She wants to take kids (and, of course, rake us for CS even though she makes over twice what we do), and make it so the kids are here only in the summer.
You're right -- it's not my partner's fault she wants to move but she's certainly going to try and make it our problem.
"a) She's been hoarding all
"a) She's been hoarding all the kids' form/notices and signed up for conferences without speaking with my partner. He had to contact both the teachers separately to get signed up for a conference time. We scan and email everything form/notice related and email it to her but the courtesy isn't returned."
-To be blunt, I think schools should mail out/distribute two sets of everything for kids with divorced parents. Your SO can and should be going to the teachers for this info, not BM. Same with BM.
"b) The caretakers in the after-school program told me that they've had a hard time talking with BM and that she isn't cooperative. They also informed me that SS has been coming to school in princess pumps and sometimes make-up. This is the second round of caretakers the kids' have had where they've said that they can't really talk to BM without it becoming a problem."
-Maybe they'd be willing to write letters to the judge to say that and/or be witnesses. And they could mention items c and d to the judge too.
-"e) BM forgot a doctor's appt for SS and didn't tell us about it until after the fact. (She refuses to share medical/insurance info despite a CO that directs her to.)" Document all of that for the judge.
The stuff for mailing is sent
The stuff for mailing is sent to both BM and our home. These forms for signing up for conferences (and other activities) are sent home in their daily assignment folders. The CO spells out specifically that when one form/notice is provided, it's the duty of the receiver to provide a copy to the other parent immediately. We've got twins in separate kindergarten classes so we see a lot of repeat notices but often at different days. SD's teacher sent out the form for conference first on our day and we scanned it, emailed it to BM, and asked her what time(s) we should sign up for. We also asked her on three separate occasions if she got the form from SS' teacher. I guess one form works for both -- the parents sign up for their available time period and then the school works both rounds of teachers into that time band. Well, BM filled out the form sent the follow day (her night) never responded to any of our questions about any of it, and we found out that she signed up for the only slot of three my partner (nor I ) can't attend. (I've been invited to attend by he and teachers since I help with homework. I only intend to go with him, not solo.)
Is it possible to get these
Is it possible to get these people to put everything in writing as to what they've experienced? Because, I know from experience, if YOU go into court and say, "Well, this person said blah, blah, blah" they won't care. BUT if you have it directly from that person in their own words, they'll listen to it. I believe you have to have them meet with your attorney to do this and have it count in court, that may depend on where you live. Please discuss this with your lawyer as an option. The more people willing to say, "BM has caused x,y,z problem that I've seen/dealt with" the better.
Definitely try to get things
Definitely try to get things in writing. We never got a letter from our after school personnel or the school, but try. The reason was they can not get involved in legal disputes. Fortunately BM in our case is not the brightest and admitted to everything. But if you have a document showing this it will help. We did end up getting notes about early pick ups or things like that, but never anything damning about her behavior.
Keep detailed notes. I have a running google document where we track every thing, non-opinionated, about what happens with BM. For example: "School called DH at 2:00pm saying BM was in the building and didnt check in, but wouldn't leave. She eventually took the kids from school. BM would not return calls for X hours. at X time DH received a call saying BM was at home. " Very fact based information. Your attorney can then use this. Yes it is he said she said without back up from the school, but if you have enough of it, the judge will consider it.
I'm sorry this is so stressful, definitely been there. And the length of time for this stuff is out of control. My advice is to stay focused and organized. Try to get professionals involved like counselors, therapists, daycares, and even a GAL. The more professionals you have agreeing with you the better.
I've got a journal of sorts
I've got a journal of sorts but how detailed should it be? Should I be focusing on everything we do with kids or only problems we have with BM?
We do problems with BM-
We do problems with BM- pretty much any court order violation, or freak out she has, Concerning things the children say, and changes to an exchange (us being accommodating or BM being late- that type of thing), and medical issues that are neglected... really things that a judge would be like "hmmm"
Just be absolutely certain you keep emotions and opinions out. If it isn't fact base a judge will not listen to it. I recommend having it in an electronic format. If it comes in a journal, all in SM's hand writing, it isn't as legit. While obviously a typed document could be an angry SM too, its more formal. Dont stress to much about notes, but I will tell you it really helped DH a lot when bm was put on supervised visits.
I told my partner about
I told my partner about everything the after-school caretakers said and he asked BM about it. Well, she picked the kids up today and tells my partner that everything I told him, more or less, wasn't true. They said they've never seen SS in makeup (which they explicitly told me!), they told her that they've never spoken with her about the potty issues (which they've told me about twice), and that the issues they have noticed were being discussed with kindergarten teacher.
Aside from feeling horribly wronged at the moment (seriously, I was just essentially called a liar despite cautious attempts to be as absolutely accurate with my information to my partner as possible.) Well, BM also told my partner that it's a bad idea for the kids to be anywhere but with her (though she wouldn't say why -- just kept talking over and over again about money). She also reiterated that she'd rather move back to her hometown over 1000 miles away and we should be "happy" that she's only taking the kids 3 hours away.
Damn it. I am not a liar. I have to pick the kids up from their after-school program on Monday and I will have to talk with these ladies. I am not a confrontational person but I worry that this is going to put me in the position of being so. What the hell? Feeling really angry right now...
you shouldnt be frustrated
you shouldnt be frustrated with the after school care, its bm who is lying. HE is going off what BM said they told her... he needs to just talk directly to the after school care ppl. make him pick them up monday
BM only had the kids for one
BM only had the kids for one day and she took them to the city that she's trying to move to 3 hours away. I can't help but think that she's PAS'ing her way through this before we've even got a court date.