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DH has bluffed for the last time... Deal!

BellaMia's picture

Over the last almost-year, he has threatened divorce more times than I can remember. I told him yesterday, "Since YOU are so miserable and I make your life so stressful (the last thing I want to do), I will remove myself from this equation. I want to be happy and I want YOU to be happy. I'm moving out."

*crickets*

Enough is a damn 'nough! If you are going to keep talking about it, you should damn well be prepared to make good on it. I don't have a plan, but I do have awesome family and friends so I know that I will at least not be homeless. And, frankly, I'd rather sleep in my car with my dog and have peace than live in this house and get shat upon, and quite regularly, at that...

Of course his entire posture changed a bit when I said that. Now he's doing the next phase of what has become what I refer to as "The Cycle."

I talk with him about an issue that concerns me about him/us. ----> He puts up defensive walls, plays tit-for-tat and tells me all the things that are wrong with me, too. (Big surprise! And here I was thinking I was perfect!) ----> I attempt to explain to him that I'm not trying to persecute him, and suggest that he not wait until I have a grievance to air his issues, as it makes it hard to focus and hear each other. ----> He tells me that he is sick of feeling like he can't do ANYTHING right. ----> I remind him NOBODY is perfect. WTF? Why does it have to be such an issue to discuss where we can improve, if you truly love and trust each other? ----> He says, "I can't live like this! What do you need from me? What's the next step?" Here, he implies separation or divorce. On a few occasions he has told me he would "see to it" that we get divorced. ----> I cry. He storms off. ----> Approximately 24 hours goes by and then he comes and tells me he just wants things to be different, followed by, "I love you. Can I have a hug?"

:?

WHAT?! This is emotional abuse. I see that so clearly now, and I'm all out of tears. I told him that this is the circular bullshit that keeps recurring and I'm over it. I am planning to move out. I told him if he chooses to take responsibility for his words and actions, great! That lets me know there is hope for our marriage to be saved. If he doesn't change, he can watch and wonder as my ass sashays out the door.

Kes's picture

Good for you. I too believe that no-one should give an ultimatum, or threaten anything they aren't prepared to follow through - you are right, you have been emotionally abused. I allowed myself to be emotionally abused by my ex for about 10 years before I left him. I tried and tried in that time to get him to talk to me, go to counselling, etc etc - no dice. Often I would be in tears of frustration. When the worm finally turned, it turned. I told him I was moving out without any prior threats or warning. You could have heard his jaw hit the floor 100 miles away.

BellaMia's picture

Good for you for walking away and knowing your limit! We all have them. I don't you can have unconditional love for anyone other than your child and maybe your parents. Beyond that? You have to work to earn and KEEP my love, and I expect to have to do the same for my mate.

B22S22's picture

My DH used to throw down the "Then I'll just leave!" trump card. I told him basically the same thing you told your DH -- "Although it's disappointing to know you think so little of our relationship that you're threatening to leave instead of working it out like rational adults, let me get your bag." His jaw dropped all the way to the floor.

And I gave him the option of either changing his attitude or changing his address. One or the other.

Threatening to leave is emotional blackmail. I will not be threatened, nor will I be blackmailed into giving into his ways/habits just to keep him. I did the whole adult/living/parenting thing on my own just fine before he came along, I can do it again.

Before moving out, I'd say write down all of the things that has happened to bring you to this point. As you leave, hand it to him and ask him to read it once you're gone down the road. Then ask him to think about it.

ybarra357's picture

Yeah, my DH used to try to pull the 'divorce' stunt on me too. I told him, "Once I see the divorce papers in hand, we'll take it from there, until then, shove it!"

That shut him up and to this day, I still haven't seen them! LOL

Asy's picture

Bravo! Biggrin My SO does that same crap when ever we have the slightest disagreement. His favorite line is "See this is why I didnt want to get into a relationship" anytime we have to talk about anything even the least little bit unpleasent. Even after 9 yrs he still says that BULLSH!T and one time I had enough and told him "then leave if you are so "tired"-here I did quote fingers to be a smartass- of this relationship" He said Im not leaving this is my house, to which I replied, well Im not going anywhere til the least is up cause my name is on this place too, so either man up and deal with adult things or go back and live with your dd and stepmom" }:) Later I found out from my SIL that he told her about the fight, how he had bluffed and I called him on it. SIL high-fived me and said to me "Thats right, dont take his shit, dish it right back out to him. He needs a woman like you to straighten his ass out." I will never forget the look on his face when he walked by as her and I were high fiving and talking cause I KNOW he heard every word.

BellaMia's picture

That's a great damn point! I think I'll focus on my job search first and the move second. Why should I be the one to be homeless or incur the expense of a last-minute move?! I'll move when I'm situated, unless of course he files and it is finalized before that. If he chooses to do counseling and work on himself and truly change between now and December, great! If not, I'm outta here! I've been independent (and loved it!) before. I can damn well do it again.

giveitago's picture

Only once did DH ever pull that card, I think the look in my eye was sufficient!
It was just prior to the last barrier we had being eliminated, which was BM trying to control him. Apparently I was just to suck it up? Ermmm I think NOT!
Apparently I was being 'emotional' and she is the mother of his children, at least it's true that anger is an emotion.
I pointed out that BM has a husband of her own who can 'fix' stuff. I also said that the only thing I'd really have to thank her for is giving us the kids...she abandoned them!
She pays no child support, has no contact with them unless it's something she wants from them. Not one of her FIVE children (three husbands...all financially wiped out by her) will entertain her, or have a good thing to say about her. DH kinda felt sorry for her but I DO NOT! The kids are of age now, I said that they are old enough to have, or not have, their own relationship with their mother...as they choose.
BM is out of the picture...life cannot get much better!!