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Combined finances?

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

My FDH is hell bent on combining our finances when we get married. He feels that there should no longer be "Me" or "You" that is it "Us" If I don't like it, we shouldn't marry. What are your thoughts? Do you and your hubbys put both of your paychecks into one account?

He goes on to tell me his Mother wants to take FSD7 with her to Virginia to visit his sister over summer break and she needs about $400 for her plane ticket and spending money. (BM will definitely NOT pay half of this..she barely pays for food or clothing for her child.. and especially since its a trip to go see FDHs side of the family) We will be married by the time this trip is supposed to happen. Which means...that basically I will be paying for this trip too if our finances will be combined. I told FDH if that is the case, she won't be going. I can't afford $200 for her to go on a trip. I told him I don't think it's right that I should have to pick up BMs slack...she doesn't pay for a god damned thing. He says you shouldnt be concerned with what BM does not pay for, you should be concerned with FSD and her well being. So basically I'm gonna be stuck with paying half of EVERYTHING since dead beat BM doesn't pitch in..EVER. This upsets me. I understand we will be a "family" once we are married but I can't help but feel pissed off. So for instance if FSD needs something paid for, and I want my nails done, but there is only enough money for one of those things, I'll be expected to go without getting my nails done. I find that to be complete bullshit.

DaizyDuke's picture

He says you shouldnt be concerned with what BM does not pay for, you should be concerned with FSD and her well being

OMG! I had to read this twice to make sure I read it right... being "concerned for FSD well being" and being expected to shell out YOUR money for a child that you have no legal rights to are two completely different things.

Your FDH is dead wrong here. I'm sure many others will tell you that they are NOT EXPECTED to provide for skids needs simply because they married their parent. My DH NEVER asks me to help with anything that pertains to skids. That is HIS and BM's responsibility and theirs alone. Now if I offer to buy things or do things for skids that is different, but it should NEVER be EXPECTED. ARGHHH I am so angry for you!!

purpledaisies's picture

What? tell him that sd's well being has nothing to do with a $400 trip! He s wrong very wrong! He needs to go after the bm not someone who is not ths kid's parent or has no legal standing. Also tel him that you will half when have all the legal rights as a mom!

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

He just doesn't see my point of view. We literally got into it at dinner at a restaurant and almost left. He honestly believes if I marry him I am marrying his kid too. He believes that just because I am aware of his ex's unwillingness to help out, that me wanting to marry him is also my way of saying I want to act as his childs Mother in all aspects..including financially. They recently agreed (not yet signed off on) to 50/50 custody (up until now he had daughter more than BM did) therefore there is no CS on either end. But if its not something the FSD needs to survive that day she has her, BM will NOT pay for it. Extra curricular activities, field trips, etc. He gets SO OFFENDED when I bring this up. Seethingly offended. Like I don't want his kid or want to help raise her. He wants me to step up and pay for things like her Mommy..but she has a Mommy. A non providing one but a mother at that. So aggravating.

DaizyDuke's picture

So your FDH would be OK with this little scenario if the roles were reversed and he was expected to make his hard earned money readily available for a child that was not his because the child's father was non supportive loser?? MAYBE I could see if we were talking household monies (i.e groceries, utilities, things of that nature) but to expect that your money go to fund a trip is ridiculous.

Your FDH sounds like a control freak..

Willow2010's picture

UUMMM. No. DO NOT DO THIS!! RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG.

How dare he actually say that to you. I feel the same way as you. I will NOT have joint finances until the skid is safely out of our house and DH stops throwing money at him.

DH and I make good money and about the same. I have a nice little nest egg. DH probably has about $400.00 in savings. LOL.

If we combinded, he would just think that is more money he can spend on skid. My DH knows this and is A ok with not joining monies now. Maybe ever. haha

Auteur's picture

" I added my DH to my accounts when we first married and he almost put me into bankruptcy overspending on SD"

You too, eh?

SEPARATE FINANCES ALL THE WAY when dealing with a man with a "previously enjoyed family" ESPECIALLY if said man has "guilty daddy" spending issues.

TheBrightSide's picture

DH and I make about the same amount. I have no children. He has SD10.

We have separate bank accounts. He pays for everything re: SD10. He also pays CS. I'm not financially responsible for SD10, nor do I ever expect to be.

Works for us..(read: me)

queen-B's picture

I did the combined finances, but ONLY because I control it ALL. If I say it gets spent, it gets spent. If I say it gets saved, it gets saved. End of discussion (mostly. some minor whinging on fdh's part). We did not combine accounts, though, because that would open up my money to bm if she decided to take him back to court to adjust the CS. I would NOT recommend combining finances or accounts for you, based on what you've said here!

Ask your fdh if he wants bm to be able to go to court and take BOTH of your money? If you combine accounts, that can happen. I'd also ask, who decides what sd "needs"? If he'll support you making the money decisions, like that you need your nails done more than she needs another xbox game (or whatever little extra it is), then maybe (maybe!) think about it...but think long and hard. And an answer of "no!" would still be a really fine answer.

I'm betting what you're dealing with here is a severely guilty daddy, and you'll end up fighting over money and sd all the time. Sounds to me like he thinks it'll be easier to get you to pay for his/bm's responsibilities than it will be to get mom to step up to the plate, so he's pushing the path of least resistance. And to that I say Hell to the No!!!

Still Have Hope's picture

You have a lot to work out before you marry. Make sure he knows that your marriage to him doesn't make you a provider for his kid.Think about a prenup where you split household expenses and each has separate accounts for their extra money. Suzy Orman has some very good advice on finances for married couples.

uncommon's picture

I don't think any couples should have combined accounts. I had them with my XH it was stupid. I will maintain my own finances when I get remarried (if I do).

dragonfly5's picture

Time to be honest and see how much he loves you and or your money.

Don't do it! I re-read it to make sure I understood what you were saying. I have been with my SO 2yrs. We keep everything separate. When and if I decide to marry him we will still keep things seperate. Any counselor and attorney will tell you to keep your finances separate.

This is not your child. It will only lead to resentment latter. My daughter is 29 if I see something I want to get for her. If I want to go visit her I buy a plane ticket. I do. His kids are 10 and 13. If buys this or gives them money for this or that. It is not my issue and I don't resent or judge his decision. I never want SO to question what I do with my money So I don't question him on his. If I pick something up for them great. If he buys dinner for all of us when we are out great. You cannot have this attitude if you commingle your funds.

It is not healthy, you will resent the kid and him, and it will cause a strain on your relationship. No matter how much you love or hate this child it is not yours...not your responsibility. Don't let him guilt you into doing something you don't want.

mom23ms's picture

From my own personal experience...NO! I guess if my SO was somewhat responsible and didn't take advantage of me then maybe. I don't have a problem sharing expenses such as utilities, groceries, and etc. But BM NEVER EVER EVER did anything for her kids. NEVER. She claimed she NEVER had any money. Yet she dresses in top of the line clothes, goes out ALL THE TIME. Has no problem going out and partying with her younger friends for weekend getaways. She ALWAYS use to send the kids over to us THE NIGHT BEFORE they needed something for schoo. I use to run out to Walmart at all hours of the night because BM said she had no money. If SO had said he didn't have any money either then BM would say "Well I guess SD won't get anything or have anything for schoo." I use to feel bad until this was a every week thing. I realized I was totally being taken advantage of. Because I was "supporting" SO's kids. Not to mention he has 60/40 custody and the 60 was in HIS favor and he STILL had to pay BM approx. $900 a month.

Not only that, BM would just tell the kids "go ask Mom23ms for money"

Auteur's picture

In my case, Godsgift brings home very little money after CS is taken out. So for him to spend that amount on his spawn really irritates me. Even though he has a separate account. Because I pay 99% of the bills.

Auteur's picture

I reread your post. DON'T get MARRIED. He's already sounding like a guilty daddy with an entitled princess SD that wants first dibbs on YOUR money.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.

Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?

Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.

How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?

Geema's picture

Yes to ALL 11 - crap. (wish there was some kind of warning labels on these people i.e. May Be Hazardous To Your Health)

DH and I keep separate finances. He makes about 30% more money than me and pays no CS as he has 50/50 custody with BM of SS7. However, I am paying a little more than half of the bills and he can't explain where his money is going when he can't pay his half on time. Although because he has chosen unwisely in his past relationships, and has been taken advantage of too, I am giving him some time and opportunity to do better before I draw a line in the sand.

I think at some point it would be nice to be able to TRUST my partner enough to have joint finances. I don't see that happening anytime soon though. I certainly would find it insulting if he demanded I start paying for vacations for his kid. It is selfish and inconsiderate. And the remark about not worrying about what the BM contributes toward the daughter is outlandish as well. He can't expect and demand from you if he is not willing to at least consider how you feel. Beware also of BM looking to bilk you too. Please look out for yourself too!!! Too many women sacrifice themselves into a dark corner that becomes increasingly difficult to climb out of.

Some people don't look past the nose on their face. In a few years I hope to making a lot more money, especially as I am returning to college. IF DH doesn't shape up then he will probably regret having been so cheap and selfish. }:)

cat72196's picture

Well, I'm just going to come right out and ask you... have you been spying on me? Blum 3

Ugggghhhhh...

skylarksms's picture

No way. Look at my situation.

We have a joint account. He expects to put in only as much as I do. This means I am left with nothing and he is left with whatever he is left with.

This is not why I am leaving him HOWEVER the only way I would HAVE the money to leave him is because I am the one in charge of the finances! I am keeping MY money out of OUR account.

If, say, you guys DO get married and you cave and have one joint account that he dips into freely for SD's benefit. Where does that leave you once you finally say Enough is Enough! and want to leave? You won't be able to plan ahead!! That's for sure!!! And even if you could, all the money would be gone...

If he is already issuing threats and demands like this, it is only going to get worse if you DO marry him. Speaking from one woman with a controlling husband to another about to get herself in the same mess...

helena_brass's picture

How dare he? If I were you I would seriously reconsider marrying this man. Finances are not just a small part of a marriage, and once you merge them he doesn't really need to ask your permission. If he is not listening to your concerns now, I wouldn't expect that to change. Furthermore, if you were to then get divorced, that's even more money down the drain, plus the headache of all that ugly paperwork.

You have every right to feel upset with him. He is being unreasonable. Have you considered seeing a counselor? I get the feeling that the mere suggestion of such might offend him.

marissamae88's picture

Your money is your money I have seen my mom married like four times and she combined finances on all of them and trust never worked out not once. My SO and I do not share bank accounts and I feel its best that way. His kids are his kids yes I love them yes I take care of them when I can but there is a reason I didnt have children. Reason 1 I can barely afford the things I need and want let alone a child. So really think about this because money is the number one thing couples fight over and its sounds like he doesnt care about what you want and thats a big teller of his personality.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Do not, I repeat DO NOT combine your accounts. He has some NERVE telling you that you shouldn't be concerned about what BM pays or doesn't pay. Is he fucking kidding me? You will live to regret it if you make that VERY BAD CHOICE. If I want to buy something for one of the Skids, it is MY choice to do so. I have many times gone shopping for Skids on my dime, but that is a choice I made, not a choice that was made for me by my DH. I will keep my fingers crossed that you don't get suckered into this. He sounds like a big fat manipulator.

Unfreakingreal's picture

and another thing, if his mother wants to take the kid than his mother should be paying the damn ticket! AAARRRGGGHHH the nerve!!!

simifan's picture

We do have joint finances, but it was a choice & every thing goes in including CS. BUT - if i was told I had no other choice ?!?! I wouldn't . That is very controlling - give me ALL your money or i don't want to marry you. Honey, please think twice.

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Absolutely do NOT combine your finances. All of our children were adults when we married, so we never had to worry about child support, or ex's or any of that. But, we still keep our money separate. Heck, it's not even at the same bank! Now, we both always have cash on hand, and are more than willing to share it. But, DH and I don't share accounts, PIN numbers or anything like that.

If your man is so hell bent on getting his hands on your money, I'd say you have a big RED FLAG hanging right in front of you. Run, run, run!

iwishyouwould's picture

We have one joint savings account, seperate checking accounts and a joint guardian account for kiddo. Neither of us can withdraw any substantial amount from our joint savings without the other's signature. we also set it up so that we can only make a withdrawal every six months but can deposit any time. Works fine for us and honestly we would find something to bicker about if we had joint checking accounts.

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

He does not pay any child support. He and his ex have 50/50 custody but he usually ends up having her more than his ex and almost always pays for the extras because she is always somehow broke even though she still goes out drinking very frequently. He makes $2 more per hour than I do, and yes he does know how much I currently make. We recently created a budget spreadsheet to prepare for our move to see what exactly we could afford. He isn't controlling in any other aspect of our lives..until we had this conversation at dinner the other night. He said he is "old school" and when we marry, that our individual bills (car payments, insurance) will then become both of our bills together. He is all about the united family front. I truly think he believes our new family will be like a replacement family for his daughter even though she has a Mother (just not one that cares about providing for her, more like a babysitter) He is for sure a guilty Daddy. I have pointed things out lately and he has taken steps to change certain things he does but this money thing he seems very set on. He is offended when I continue to bring it up....he feels like me wanting seperate monies is like me preparing for a break up and not having faith in the marriage and that I dont want to help him with his daughter by treating her as my own and living as a family. He just will NEVER understand that I DONT and NEVER will love his daughter as my own..because she isn't and because I dont have children yet I dont even know what that feels like! I've never expressed that to him though because I know it would hurt his feelings and could be a deal breaker. He is a great man and Dad but this subject is just shaky for me!! I told him if we end up putting our money together, I am still going to get my nails done and go to dinner with my friends as I please and as I do now, and the moment he questions or argues with me about my spending is the day I would go for a divorce! I was in a controlling, abusive relationship in the past and he is well aware I won't put up with much. But his reasoning and explanation about why we should combine finances as a "family
always makes me feel guilty for wanting to keep my money seperate! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

bruisedpeach's picture

If he truly is 'old school' then tell him to go get a higher paying job because your new job is now a housewife, ala 1950.

kimmey42's picture

Question? Once a couple is married can bm ask courts to have alimoney increased due to increase in household income for bd? hope that made some sence Smile

iwishyouwould's picture

The way i hear it is that if bm is recieving child support or alimony and the ex's spouse shares an account with him then her money can get gone real quick.

AngelCakes's picture

no no no no no.... you can have 1 joint account that is for the mortgage and the bills that you both can contribute to but other then that keep it seperate, that will save you a world of trouble and fights down the road, i thought that combining our finances was a good idea in the very beginning until i saw how much hubby spent on the prince and how i was the saver, I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo glad that i didnt join up our accounts otherwise i would be broke all the time.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

BT-DT....

Right before I moved out, stbxh lost his job but did not file a motion (idiot) with his local C/S services and wanted to keep paying stbxbm her monies as usual . Mind you, combining MY money with his!!! I was NOT giving her ass one damn dime of MY money! No freaking way!

YOU should not be expected to pay for another person's child- EVER.

Don't do it, do not "combine."

mama_althea's picture

I agee with what you've been told so far. I just want to add, however, that if you want your position to be more effective in discussing this with your fiance, I would substitute something else for "if you want to get your nails done". Even though the point is that it is your hard-earned money to spend as you see fit, the nails thing sounds frivolous.

wicked's picture

I'm just curious how YOU fit in with this US he is talking about. It doesn't sound like you have much of a voice. This doesn't sound like much of an US decision going on.

A second red flag is the fact that you do not feel comfortable discussing your feelings about his daughter with him. If that could be a deal breaker for him, then maybe that should tell you something about how much he respects your thoughts and feelings.