How about having skid make a card for the BP, if they haven't already done something like that in school, that way it is something from them.

"but BM demands we take her shopping for something."

Pfft. If I send you my 'demand' list and tell you that you better jump and run out and purchase it, are you going to do that to? Your BM is being a greedy brat who is going to play this for all she can get unless DH puts a stop to it. If what the children make themselves isn't good enough for BM than BM can figure out how the kids can run to a mall and purchase gifts. It's one thing for your DH to help the child be thoughtful and learn the idea of giving, but what BM is insisting on is not that at all.

Yes, BM should be having someone in her family helping the kids. Even if BM has to give the helper the money to be able to do it. Gifting BM with gift card to go on a shopping trip that she made her ex purchase and slap the kids name on is merely BM's way of secretly writing 'sucker' across your Dh's forehead. She's totally milking this. Stop it and stop it now.

Dh can teach his kids all about gift giving by using Dh's own household and extended family as receivers. Sometimes the best gifts of all don't even come from stores. I'm sure the skids grandparents would cherish handprints and picture frames. I'm sure the skids would be excited to make Dad cookies for a gift. But BM can figure out how her kids get gifts for her if she isn't pleased over those types of items. Considering her attitude towards past homemade from the heart gifts, I wouldn't bother gifting her with anymore. Let the skids do those things for you/Dh that will appreciate the time and effort. As the skids get a bit older you can help them 'earn' money for small store bought gifts if that's what they want to do.

I think it depends on the family. I've helped sd get her mom something, sometimes her dad, sometimes grandma (her mom's mom). As long as we're in communication it's not a big deal.

Does BM help your skids with gifts to their dad?

No.

I remember MSS coming over telling us that his mom was asking for an expensive knife set. He was a teen, so that meant, we would buy it for her. I put my foot down. Then one year OSS bought his mother an expensive coffee maker, however he put it on the credit card that we gave him for school and emergencies. I was pissed. My DH said, "Well what am I supposed to say now, he already did it." Now that Skids are older, they buy their own gift.
I think you have to help her with something, I don't think you need to spend money. All that is teaching daughter is that $ means more. My skids have learned to make BM happy they have to spend $, we have told them year after year that their time is more important.

Homemade gift ONLY. Otherwise, her family can take the child. Doesn't matter how old the kid is, this is a bonafide power play. Do not participate.

Nope.

She demands it? That would make me laugh. Really hard.

I thought I wouldn't mind the gift for BM if the timing worked out that way (i.e. birthday straight after our weekend which might make it hard for BM partner to take her; even though a little prior planning wouldn't go astray lol). However last Christmas in the final days SD9 turned to us and asked if we could please go get presents for her mum, mum's partner and little sister as her mum also asks when SD9 is away, "did you get me something". That phrase even got repeated a few times that day that BM says "did you get me something"!!!

We took her shopping and she wanted to use her Christmas money from family to buy a few things but we made sure they were small and thoughtful (she was quite worried about BM not liking something because it was cheap). We don't want SD to have those kind of values, it is so sad when people just don't get what they are doing to their kids.....

If you do take them shopping instead of home made (maybe cookies in a nice glass jar?) try and take the time that thought is more important than $$ in mind opinion

At the end of the day the kids shouldnt be punished or be put in a position where they feel like they did the wrong thing when they didnt - just help to work out an appropriate gift

Hand made only. If the kid is too old for hand made then I pay for a card at most.

I'm speaking of two holiday's only - Christmas and birthdays.

I was actually going to post about this same topic. SD14 showed up at Christmas completely empty handed.

She knew she would be seeing her grandparents and some close family members. She's a very talented artist, something along those lines would have been really appreciated... but no... nothing.
She also texted DH happy birthday.

AND i think 14 is old enough to know better. DH of course makes excuses.

about 4 yrs ago, she asked me to buy something for her BM. I flat out said no, and told her she could use her allowance money and DH would take her to the mall. It was Dec 23rd and I wasn't going anywhere near that shit show.

Before my skids disowned their mother, my DH would not worry about a gift for her. The kids would either make her something homemade or would ask DH to take them to the mall to buy her something with their own money. There was no way on planet Earth was DH going to use his own money to buy a woman a gift who refuses to pay her child support.

NO GIFTS!!!! If BM wants a gift from the child, her family needs to take the child to get her one. She should ask them. If DH/BF wants a gift from the child then you or someone in his family can take the child to get a gift for DH/BF. You can't compare this to an intact family cause it isn't one. You can teach the child about gift giving other ways like getting a gift for grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. Do I want to spend my money on BM, hell no. Does BF/DH want to spend his money on BM, hell no.

Yes, I do take SD9 shopping for BM gifts for birthday, mother's day, and Christmas. I always tell SD9 the amount that she has to spend and I hold her to that amount. I do this because I feel like it is the right thing to do and hope that it shows SD9 that her Dad and I really do try to do the right thing.

Another reason being that BM has no BF or family, so there is no one else to do this for SD9. Will I continue to do this when and if BM ever meets "the one", who knows!

DH has a friend who does this for his child's BM for certain things...mind you he also got total control in the divorce so she is nothing but appreciative...mind you BM doesn't work much so his friend also pays for his own gifts (his new wife will buy whatever he wants and let the kids claim it)

For my SS's BM HELL NO! She has a mother that lives with her that can take SS shopping. I will help SS buy something for DH if they haven't made something at school or if he decides whatever he made he wants to go to BM. But as for BM she gets enough "gifts" from our household by us not doing a CS evaluation which would most likely lower the amount - this is the same reason she hasn't done one.

I have helped my sons select gifts for the dads and my oldest son's step-mom when they were younger. It wasn't appreciated or even acknowledged (even when the boys were so young there is no way they obtained a gift without my help). I stopped. The boys didn't seem to notice. I will help out with rounding up a card now and again but as for actual gifts, no. Besides I gave them the best gifts already - their sons!

Shortly after DH and I became engaged, BM had a birthday. He mentioned to me on the phone, "Oh, by the way, I bought BM a birthday gift from SS. We agreed when we got divorced that he should still be taught to give for special occasions." Blah, blah, blah. I told him it was weird to me, but whatever. I told him I was not keen on my future husband buying gifts for his EW. He assured me it was for the kid, meant nothing to him, etc. I told him the thing I didn't understand is that SS had no part in it. He was not with him to pick it out or anything. I said it looks more like a gift from DH to BM with SS's name on it. He countered with, "Well, it's not like it's a thoughtful-type of gift, it's a gift card." And he told me that's what SS wanted him to get.

We don't really fight too often, but most of the fights we have had have been over this very issue. He had asked me who bought gifts for me when my kids were little. I told him my mother took them shopping. SS's grandmother lives directly across the street from BM. DH says she's housebound, I said, "So she doesn't buy BM anything from herself and BM's dad?" Of course she does. He says he feels it is his responsibility to teach SS this gift-giving thing. I say, teach him by buying gifts for your parents, your sister and brother, me (not because I want a gift from him, just saying). I wish a long time ago I would have thought to tell him that by believing you are the only one who can teach him about buying gifts for his mom is a lot like thinking the only way you can teach him how to love a woman is by loving his mom. But we have settled this dispute.

After every miserable holiday you can imagine, SS handing DH a gift, saying, "Open this one from me and Mama," I'd had it. For one thing, DH was himself disgusted by that and threw the gift directly in the trash after SS had left. He didn't want anything from her. We sat down and compromised. That was the last gift BM bought for my DH. He had told her prior to this, but told her again, that I would take SS shopping for DH's gift. Him getting gifts from her actually bothered me a lot more than getting her something. We agreed that I would take SS shopping for BM's gift, which was easier for me to swallow than him getting her something. Furthermore, I taught the kid how to shop for a real gift, putting thought into it, wrapping it himself, buying a thoughtful card. We agreed that if the day ever came when she got married again, it would then be on her poor husband to take care of her gift. DH says, "what if he's just sorry and doesn't do it?" I said, if SS asks us, then I will continue to take him. She got married just before Christmas, I was shopping with SS. He says he's done. I tell him he has to get more than what he had. He says, "Well, I already did get her something with my MawMaw." :? :?

I realize they're just kids, and I would never say anything to the kid or tell him no. But the way they were doing it, not including the kid in the buying, just passing it through his hands, didn't sit right with me.