Ummm? Thanks for the rotten food and ripped clothes/backpacks? Why on earth is your hubs getting upset at you? And why is he even taking the refuse from her? 

That would irritate me to. Have you told him to stop accepting her junk? Honestly even if the stuff was good I still wouldnt want it!

Haha! My youngest sister and I were just talking about this (not BM related, though).

My middle sister is moving out of state and sent over to my youngest sister, via niece, boxes of food from her cupboards and refrigerator. Youngest sister called me, completely pissed off that middle sister sent her half used bottles of salad dressing, etc., that middle sister just didn't want to get rid of on her own. She says she's going to tell niece to take it all right back. She doesn't want it, doesn't need it, doesn't have room for it. And, we can only put out 2 bags of trash, without paying extra.

Now, you might think middle sister was just trying to be nice, since youngest sister has her daughter and 3 granddaughters staying with her, but... youngest and middle are not getting along and do not speak, so, no.

So, not just asshole BMs do this, but asshole sisters, too. You are not alone.

Ok, I have a lot of clothes that fit my stepkids but don't fit my son any more. My son is easy on clothes, his kids not so much. They go through trousers and t-shirts at the rate of knots - they are tree climby, ditch-rambling kids and they tear up clothes. My son is the 'cautious' sort. So my son's used clothes are in good condition and the pieces that aren't go to charity for ragging or the trash if they're unusable. These clothes used to go to my friends who had younger boys. They were gratefully received - I'd bring a big pile and they'd take eveything they wanted (all of it usually) and the rest would go to charity. Ocassionally there would be items that weren't ever worn at all or worn only once or twice, so basically new. However, I'd rather these clothes went to my step kids. Even my a-hole ex has bagged up clothes of my son's and offered them to my SSs because he'd rather they were used then just discarded - he is a jerk, but in this case he was being helpful and my partner sees it as such. 

One of the t-shirts I passed on was Minecraft and so highly desired by YSS. BM sent it back. OK, message received. A shame, as YSS likes the shirt - he can wear it when he's here I suppose, but he's only here every other weekend. 

Last year my mother bought me a one year membership to English Heritage. As it happens, we have almost no use for it where we live, but where they live there are loads of things that they can do and see for free with the card. Including Stonehenge, which normally costs a bomb. My mother bought it so ALL the boys can go to these things. The kids' names are on the membership. Yes, BM would have to 'pretend to be me', but whatever. I said - please use the card if you would like, I'd only like it back for one of the weeks of the summer holiday as we're planning to go to Battle of Hastings site and then you can have it back until it finishes as we can't use it. My mother would rather your lads get use of it then it sit in the drawer. 

She looked at it like it was a snake. She said she'd take it, but then asked OSS to look after it. Both of us know he's not actually capable of that. He's a 'loser' (not an insult, I'm like that as is my partner and my ex, BM is probably the only one out of all of us who isn't like that) I told my partner and he was shocked. She doesn't even allow him to look after his own pre-paid debit card with his own money on it. So, I guess that's gone then. Grr. I wish she'd just said 'no thanks'. I can see now that from this thread that no matter what it is she probably sees it as my 'leavings' and unwanted or tainted or 'trash' because I'm trash (?). On the other hand, if she passed on stuff to me clothing wise (she's not in a position to do so as her kids are smaller in size) or a membership to something I could use - I'd more than happily take it. I know for a fact that she was to buy expensive rugby boots each year or buy used ones from her club - I have these in the SIZES she needs, I would happily pass them on. I know she doesn't mind her kids being in used stuff. She just doesn't want used stuff from me and would rather spend money she always claims she doesn't have. I guess used boots will go back to my rugby club - they can be sold and raise some cash. 

I try not to pass on junk. I know some people do. I am happy to receive used items. I never pass on anything I wouldn't use myself if I could. I hate to see things go to waste and I'd rather my stepkids get the benefit of stuff than not. I guess some people dont see it that way. I will pass on things to my friends who do want it from now on. Sigh. 

To sort things in front of the giver.

I am not saying no but" we already have xyz someone else might benefit from xyz" surely the giver will be just as content with giving xyz to someone else...?

Call her on the phone and handle it.

BM thanks but not thanks. BUT the church might take it...here is their number...IF she does it again drive it back to her house with a note...THANKS but we dont need this. Here is the churches number i gave you..I KNOW THEY know families in need.

I think I would be more upset that he ran off to their house early in the morning to say goodbye after he had already said his goodbyes the night before? He is still emotionally emeshed and you are letting it bother you in the way of her handouts because that is coming from her instead of identifying that he is the problem and why these BM handouts are still making their way into your house. 

Dear BM,

Thanks for the rotten veggies, I'll cook them up for SD right away! The torn backpacks came in handy for picking up dog poo around the neighborhood and I'm using the t-shirts as rags to clean around the bottom of the toilet.  

Our household is stocked with our own rags, rotten veggies and backpacks so please find a different home for future items you wish to donate.

OP - is the BM high conflict? Or is she likely to be if your DH stands up to her and refuses to take her rubbish? Is he afraid that she will stop him seeing the child?