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Am I overthinking the situation

Germie2's picture

DH and I have been doing a little bit better mostly because I decided to be ignoring some things . Two weeks ago Sd and Sd called DH to say she wanted chickens as pets (DH already has 5pet chickens that my BSs take care of , it’s the first time my BSs takes care of pets and I thought it would be a good thing so they can learn some responsibility), and without even consulting me DH , BM and SD agreed, now there are 9 and my BSs are expected to take care (it’s gets hard in water going to the barn before school, feeding them etc...), I bit my tongue but I’m still feeling bad about it.  Three days ago we had to go to kids school and BS (12) and SD (11) both did well and received some kind of certificate. Sd called DH at night complaining saying BS had two awards (yet he didn’t, they had the same one), then DH start saying anyway BS is older so it’s normal he’s doing good, and telling SD anyway you are in two advanced classes and he’s only in one.  

Tonight SD comes and BM calls her and says “see I told you he didn’t get two awards, I called your grandmother and asked about it , you both bad ass “ , am I just overreacting to that !?  Then later she says “your dad said you smell like laundry detergent “ then DH yells “that was between me and you big mouth “ joking with BM . When I complained why she had to call MIL and why he joked like that he said I’m overreacting and that he’s doing that in front of me because he has nothing to hide and that’s it’s ok to joke to teach SD how good parenting looks like. As for the kids school things doesn’t it look like they trying to teach SD she’s better, or I’m I overthinking it ?

Anon9876's picture

I'm giing to be blunt: DH needs to being acting different.

He seems uncomfortably close with BM. The friendliness isn't necessarily a bad thibg-but making household decisions with her instead of YOU is.

Your BS is taking care of the anjmals? Then his sister should have asked HIM if he were okay with having more chickens.

Also, does she take care of her pets when she's staying in your house?

I say DH needs to be acting different because he is instigating competition between the kids.

It's not okay to make comparisons tgat can be detrimental to their self esteem.

His daughter seems to be a little jealous of your BS. Why does it matter to her if he has more awards? Jealousy. And her BM is encouraging that behavior as well-probably because I'm assuming BS lives with you and SD lives with mom?

DH had no business mentioning to MIL that HIS daughter did better than YOUR son.

He's drawing a line in the sand-on one side is him his daughter and his ex. On the other side you and your son.

His loyalties need to lie with you. He needs to stop babying his daughter and feeding into her competitive nature. It's pretty silly. Eventually if this continues the kids are going to start fighting it out.

notarelative's picture

Sd called DH at night complaining saying BS had two awards (yet he didn’t, they had the same one), then DH start saying anyway BS is older so it’s normal he’s doing good, and telling SD anyway you are in two advanced classes and he’s only in one.  

DH is encouraging whining. A parent who listens to the he got more than me whine is encouraging it. Encouraging whining never yields a good result. Even if DS had thirty awards and SD had none, whining is not appropriate or to be encouraged. Awards are earned by work and effort not whining.

As to DH's response about the number of advanced classes: My nephew and my son are the same age. Nephew was always in gifted classes. Problems were always attributed to him being bored with classes. DS was in average classes and goofed off a lot. But, DS had consequences at home for his behavior.

Fast forward: Gifted nephew made honors first college semester. Flunked out second semester. Flits from job to job. DS finished college, got a masters, and has a career. Advanced classes do not guarantee success in life.


Germie2's picture

DH and BM are always bragging how SD life is gonna be, which college they’ll put her in , what car they’ll get her etc... i’m Just a stay at home mom and my ex isn’t in the picture, so I never get any child support and can’t afford much for my sons, yet there’s always this kind of competition and deep down looks like DH already think my kids will be loosers  

ESMOD's picture

Look.. money doesn't necessarily dictate anything.  My DH did not have any funds to send either of his daughters to college.  (neither did BM).. for different reasons, they just didn't have the ability to pay.

Did my SDs turn out horribly?  No.. Did we have lesser expectations of their behavior.. No  Did we put less emphasis on education just because we couldn't fund it?  No!!!

How did it all turn out?  Well OSD wasn't a super strong student in HS.. she just didn't get the importance.. despite our trying.. but she did try to go to college and qualified for a grant at the local CC.  She unfortunately didn't do well.. because.. immaturity.. and the fact that she skated through HS... she didn't have the foundation she should have.. she was smart enough.. but chose the lazier way.  But, she did become gainfully employed.. first in the emergency communications center and now working in the social services office.. has a child, a husband and a nice home/life.

YSD is just about to turn 21.  Started a FT job with a local company straight out of HS with a PT job in a restaurant.  Now she has been promoted 2x at her FT job and is the assistant manager at the restaurant.. PLUS her FT job reimburses her for her college coursework that she does online via a program with a state community college.  She is currently taking 3 courses in addition to working her two jobs.  She also just bought her first new car.. no cosign.. and pays 100% of her bills.

So.. there you are.. two kids with zero financial support by their parents who have managed to move onto and into adulthood very successfully.  If you don't have a plan together for your own bio kids.. you need to do that NOW.

marblefawn's picture

Yea, the way they're handling SD seems to be by keeping score. They should tell her to stop worrying what everyone else got and be happy for what she got because some kids got nothing and others probably got three or four awards. READ: there will always be people with more or less than you, so don't waste your time keeping score.

It's a shame this isn't their approach. They're creating a monster.