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Step Daughter are hateful

JodiD's picture

Things never seem to change. Went over to the Step kids house for a Bday for 2yr old granddaughter. Upon entering the house, StepD gave her dad a big hug and announced how glad she was to see him, while completely ignoring me in front of a lot of people. The rest of the evening wasn't much better. When it was time to say goodbye, SD said, to granddaughter, say goodbye to grandpa, while ignoring me.

I gave sd her only baby shower. I buy all the presents for birthdays and Christmas, etc. My husband did say something about her behavior at the party. He said aren't you going to give Jodi a hug? She said of course and gave me one of those I don't want to touch you hugs. This has been going on for a long time. I told hubby after the latest hurtful snub. That's it. I'm not going to subject myself to her crap anymore. I really wanted to be a friend to her and a grandma to the little one. But forget it. She told me while she was in high school when I was trying to let her know that I would never replace her mom, but thought we could be friends, to which she replied "Friends, you are nothing to me".

What does one do against that kind of vicious behavior. She is just more subtle now. Should I confront her?

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

To say what ???

You say something she will know it bothers her. She doesn't care. Her action speak louder than her words. Her words will be just that ~ just words.

My SD doesn't talk to me cause ~ she just want to. I could careless if she does ever talk to me again. When we are around people and she doesn't speak to me ~ she looks like the ass ~ NOT me. Nothing I can say that will ever make in different. Her Dad probably feels mortified that she acts this way but ~ long time ago he gave her entitlement card ~ her card blance to treat people like shit.

Shaman29's picture

Stop all communication with this person. Don't fall into her trap. When your H goes over there, decline to join him.

Stop buying the gifts and cards and crap for her or your SGD. Just stop. If your H wants to gift them, he can do it himself.

And in regard to your H? What a freaking jerk. Give Jodi a hug?? WTF was he thinking?? That is not dealing with the issue of her inappropriate and rude behavior. Who treats a guest in her home that way??

What he should have done was walk her away from everyone and lay it out. Treat MY WIFE with courtesy and respect. No threats. No or else. No choice.

Since he clearly doesn't have the spinal cord or balls to stand up to his kid, I suggest you completely disengage.

And stop expecting her to be nice. She's going to acting like a see you in Toledo, then treat her like a see you in Toledo. Treat her the way cats treat humans, if you don't look at her, she doesn't exist.

Shaman29's picture

Oh and if she told you in HS that you are nothing to her, then why did you keep trying?

If that is the way she feels, then shrug and move on. Do not waste another moment of your thoughts or time with this bitch.

And again.....your H is a douche for allowing her to treat you like shit.

sandye21's picture

I agree with the other posters: Write her off. Disengage from SD and let DH see her on his own - but at YOUR convenience. A recent poster wrote that her SD invited DH to her home on SM and DH's anniversary - and he went. Please don't allow that. He owes it to you to be with you on important holidays, anniversaries and birthdays.

Shaman29's picture

Actually, if her H started doing that to her, she should take it as a big sign as to where she stands with him in their relationship.

peacemaker's picture

A relationship between two people is based on who they are and what each one of them puts into it...She has basically told you she does not want a relationship with you. You have to accept that...You cannot control hard as it is...With that being said it is important that you do not take her rejection personally...nor let her treatment of apathy speak into your self esteem. (Mirror talk) If you are not careful that kind of message can erode your inner person. and you start to believe it after a while... ( because it can subtly, over time make you feel "less than" who God created you to be...never lose sight of your true identity. It really is her loss. I know it is hard...I have two adult? stepdaughters that act the same way...there lives are "none of my business"...I have completely disengaged with them...If you have to be a doormat in any relationship in order to have one with her...that is absolutely unacceptable...

You don't have to make a public announcement that you are disengaging from her toxic messages. You can just quietly not be involved with her anymore...If it isn't genuine do you really want it?

I would just draw safe boundary lines for yourself and your family from her and enjoy the people you have been blessed with that do love you for who you are...It is important not to give too much weight to her opinion about you...

Just accept reality for what it time to move is waiting...

Disneyfan's picture

She is an adult. Adults are free ro decide who they want to interact with. She has decided that she doesn't want to deal with you. Accept that and move on. Don't allow your husband to guilt you into dealing with her.

Justme54's picture

She said...You are nothing to her. Yet, you gave her a baby shower. She is a real BITCH! Cut her off ASAP.

Justme54's picture

She said...You are nothing to her. Yet, you gave her a baby shower. She is a real BITCH! Cut her off ASAP.

Justme54's picture

She said...You are nothing to her. Yet, you gave her a baby shower. She is a real BITCH! Cut her off ASAP.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

In the case of my adult SD, she has trained her parents and my in-laws not to upset her for fear of one of her meltdowns. Cross her or call her out on poor behavior, and she will never forget it. I've learned that it's not personal. She's just stunted, and I choose to not have that behavior in my life.

Difficult adults don't occur in a vacuum. They're created by crappy parenting and often nurtured by other dysfunctional family members. And that doesn't change just because someone new joins the family. Your DH has been tolerating/permitting this rudeness for years, so don't expect change from that quarter. "Things never seem to change" is right. But you can change you.

Cut this hateful, abusive, user out of your life. SHE HATES YOU! Don't waste another second or dollar or thought on her. Give your abuser one last gift: The gift of absence. You win because you stop playing and start taking care of yourself.

fedupstep's picture

You will finally get to a point where uou know you've done everything you could do. I sleep at night just fine knowing that. Refuse to be held an emotional hostage. You will never win this battle. If you're there you're not wanted but if you're not there you're snubbing her. Walk away.

joan mary's picture

This is the perfect response. Let your DH have the relationship that he creates with his DD and her child. All the gifts, cards, showers, etc are all on him to pick out and deliver. When there is a party at her home make sure that you have other plans. Encourage DH to go by himself but limit how often you show up at her home. If you go and socialize with others at the party you will be called a B**** for ignoring her and if you try to socialize with her you will be snubbed. Why set yourself up for the pain?

After many years of trying to get one of my SD to like me I realized that I am better off with her hating me. It scares me to think what kind of person I would be if this nasty, shallow, mean spirited person actually liked me!

peacemaker's picture

i am so with you on this one skeeter...I too have tolerated it for 26 years! (Man that hurts to say it out loud...What took me so darn long?? I think it is because we are not the quitting type...beyond reason sometimes and to a fault....i have disengaged for 2 years now...I realized the "parenting stage is over" it is time to check back in to my own life...the people that i love and respect me is amazing how you can fall into the trap of chasing something unattainable and forget or take for granted all the wonderful people who do love you...(That is my biggest regret)...because i am a "fixer" the only thing broken was the sd relationship so I wasted a lot of time trying to go the extra the bigger person...Then i finally had an epiphany one day that it was time to get off the merry go round to nowhere...and my life has never been the same....

"The hills are alive with the sound of Music" much to embrace and be thankful for....Freedom!!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Back away and do not do anything for this rude hateful SD / witch. She does not deserve your kindness!

Tell your DH why - but only if he asks. It took my DH a while until he noticed I disengaged. For about 1 month he was OK with it thinking it would "blow over". Well it is going on 2.5 years now and it hasn't blown over LOL.

I am getting stronger and happier - I still have bad days when I crave the happy blended family but that will never be my reality.

Take care of yourself first and do not let anyone treat you badly. They are the ones with the problem and need to deal with it.

drstepmom's picture

You are in a tough spot here. I am sure that you love your grandchild. Maybe there is a way for DH to get the grandchild so you can spend time with her. Since this happened at a family function, I am guessing she feels torn between her parents, and if she "hugs" you, she feels disloyal to her mother. I would recommend that you have a chat with her, alone ,without any other family members around and tell her how you feel. When we marry our spouses, we do marry the package. I would start with a conversation about how much you love your granddaughter, and how much you enjoy being with her. Maybe that will open the door to a positive relationship later on. Be careful challenging your DH to chose between you and her.. kids typically win out in those situations.

Rags's picture

No need to confront her. She will give you ample opportunity to bare her idiot ass for the seeming eternity of her existence on the periphery of your life.

So, bare her ass. No more gift buying or hosting for SD in any way, shape, or form. Period. If DH wants to get her gifts he can get her gifts. If she is rude to you then call her on it. At the shower it was a golden opportunity to throw out a "Wow, I guess the shower I threw you was not to your high expectations. What, no hug???" With a pointed but decidedly innocent smile thrown in for good measure in front of everyone, clear, and confident.

Now, the G-Skid, you can buy awesome gifts for and give them directly to her whenever you see her. "Here, this is from Gran-Jodi because I am your special Grandma and I love you very, very much." Never let up. Eventually the little girl with catch a clue that her mother is a toxic harpy because she will see nothing but good things when she interfaces with you and hears nothing but vitriolic crap about you coming out her own mother's hole.

No quarter, when she so much as twitches inappropriately you bare her ass. So much so that just the mention of your name gets her all twitchy and nervous.

Own her ass.

Most of all..... have fun!!!! }:)