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Problems with BF's step-daughter. LONG

rockermom's picture

I've been dating my BF for 6 months now. I've introduced him to my kids, and he has introduced me to his daughter. He is also still close to his x-wife's daughter. He came into her life and married her mom when she was graduating from high school. When his x-wife cheated on him, financially ruined him, and then decided she wanted a divorce, this step-daughter took his side, so her mother and sister disowned her. My BF and his family still treat her like a family member, which is one of the things that I admired about him.

However lately, when she visits from the South American country, I had been getting a strange vibe. She refuses to call me by my name, and instead calls me "Fiona". As in, the green ogre lady from Shrek. She thinks its "cute". I chalked that up to her not knowing that this was possibly offensive.

We had a great Christmas, and I exchanged nice, thoughtful presents with her. She told me that she thought that we were going to be friends for a long time. Apparently, in her world, a long time means until New Year's Day.

She has been here trying to get her US citizenship. My BF has gotten all of the paper work, driven her on 6 hour round trips multiple times a week to the state capital, and paid for both her citizenship papers and her expedited passport so that she can return to her home in South America. She is 25, and "just couldn't figure out how to do it" and she couldn't pay for it because "she can't figure out how to open a checking account". It's BS; the girl always attending private boarding schools and graduated from Cornell at the top of her class! So it has been up to my BF to do this stuff for her.

Last night, my kids and I went to his house for NYE. His friends were there, and my kids brought their video games, so we spent the night playing cards and games. We invited my BF's sister (who lives with him in his house) to play, but she refused. The step-D played one hand, then went downstairs. We had a great time playing, and stayed up late. The next morning, his friends bought us all breakfast, and we played cards and games again until the friends left this afternoon. While my kids continued to play, the BF and I decided to go to his room to nap and watch some TV. The whole time we were playing, we were playing with my kids, and we were all playing word games with my youngest daughter. And even when we went upstairs, it was for 1.5 hours max, with my daughter coming in a lot to watch with us.

While we are upstairs, the step-D and his sister come into his room where we are, and ask us to shut off the TV. The step-D then tells me that I'm neglecting my children and traumatizing them, by being upstairs in BF's room with him. She said it didn't matter what we were doing up there, that I was neglecting them. And that she remembers what it was like to see her mom bring strange men into the house, so she knows what they feel like (insinuating that I'm up there having sex with BF while my kids have been left alone downstairs). BF says, "You're projecting your issues with your mom onto Rockermom; that's not what's happening here." She then turns to him and says, "You've only known her 6 months. Don't make the same mistakes that you made with my mom (insinuating that I'm a gold-digger, even though I contribute to the house more than she does and I don't even live there)." His sister then tells him that he is selfish, and they both leave the room. The selfish comment got me, because his sister only works one night a week bartending, and doesn't pay any bills. She is a vegetarian, and only cooks for herself; when BF and I cook, it's for her and his vegetarian daughter (not the step-D). He does all the maintenance on the house, while all she does is study for her RN degree because she's "disabled". And both step-D and his sister have always told me that my kids behaved very well, and they are amazed that my teens actually LIKE to hang out with me. The 180-degree turn is amazing to say the least!

I told BF that I wouldn't say anything to them, because they are his family. He said, "You say what you want. Step-D crossed the line." So I asked the kids to pack their stuff, and went down to say good-bye to step-D, since she was leaving for her home that night. I said, "I hope you have a safe trip home, but I do not appreciate the accusation that I am an abusive parent. That's all I have to say about it." While the kids and I were packing, both of them were yelling at BF. The sister was mad because she said that she didn't know his friends, and didn't want to play cards with them, and that she felt left out. That's BS, because the friends are over every week playing cards! And she was invited to play! Step-D was crying that she "didn't feel special on New Year's!" Uh, you are 25, not 10, get over it! Then while she was crying, the sister was b!tching at him, saying, "She's upset. Aren't you even going to hug her?" What about his own daughter? Shouldn't he be more concerned about the trauma that both my kids and his daughter were going through, by witnessing him being yelled at by two harpies over stupid, childish shyte?

Tomorrow, my x-husband picks up the kids for his days this week. Normally, when my kids are with their dad, I stay at BF's house. I offered to not come if it was going to cause trouble, but BF said, "No, I want you here." It's very nice to know that he sees the truth, and is backing me.

rockermom's picture

Oh, and we had been Facebook friends, but now I'm blocked from seeing her profile. I'm glad to see that this 25 YO worldly Cornell grad is handling this so maturely, LOL!

rockermom's picture

Could be. I was wondering about this myself. She tries to do things that he likes, even though they seem out of character for her. If that's her game, I doubt that BF knows it. And she is definately possessive of his time. Hmmm....

Newbie2's picture

Well the good news is that your BF is totally backing you up. And kuddos to your for telling the SD how you felt! I don't think the situation could have been handled better!

rockermom's picture

Well, my BF and I talked. Apparently, when he drove her to the airport (she lives in Peru), she unleashed on me. She said that in exchanging Xmas presents with her, I was trying to buy her friendship, and that the commotion she made about us taking a nap was because she was worried that my X-husband would find out and take my kids from me. WTF??!! I told him that made no sense, and that her outburst combined with blocking me on FB suggests that she realizes she acted like a horse's azz, and is now trying to cover for it. He thinks that she is jealous of me, and deliberately riled up his sister.

Last night, when I got back from work, he told me that she called and wanted my email. She says she wants to apologize, but that I've FB-blocked HER! I told him that I could let him look at my account settings so that he could see that I never had her blocked, and explained that within 2 hours of my leaving, she had me blocked. When I checked just now, she had unblocked me, but still kept me unfriended.

My BF said that she is off of her meds, and that could be why she's acting this way. I think that she's used to having all of his attention, and is being manipulative to get it back. She even tries to get his attention away from his own daughter! I'm not gonna stoop to her level, playing FB games. I told him that if I got a sincere apology, I'd be civil and move forward. But I also told him that my trust with her was shot, and she's gonna have to prove to me that she's worthy of my friendship. If he continues to have my back, we should be fine, but if not, I refuse to have my relationship with my lover take a backseat to his relationship with his x-wife's adult kid.

So we'll see how this goes. Hopefully, she'll get into the government academy in Peru that she wants to get into, and then get transferred all over the world, so that she won't be around so much. I really love this guy, and I'd hate to end this relationship over this unrelated, over-grown brat.