BF Daughter
Forums:
Good Evening,
I am posting this message because, I want to know people's advice on it. My boyfriend's daughter comes over to sleep here every 2 weeks. What I notice about her is that whenever we are out and about in some activity and we are conversating she mentions things about the past that her mom and dad use to do. In the beginning I use to ignore it because, I felt bad but, now it is starting to annoy me. I mean me and her father have been together for 2 years and 3 months now isn't this phase suppose to have disappeared.
I don't know does she not realize what she is doing is wrong? Furthermore, do you think that she does it to bother me?
Thank you
SHE DOES!!!
IM BEEN WITH MY DH FOR FOUR YEARS AND MARRIED FOR 1 YEAR
AND SHE STILL DOES IT TO GET ME GOING ,BUT NOT ANYMORE CAUSE I JUST DETACH......WELL THAT WHAT I THINK ...
HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY
BF Daughter
Hi Nettie,
What do you mean you detach?
Thank you
straight talk
It sounds like this child is old enough to have a conversation with so why not just talk to her. She has a motive even if she doesn't know what it is. I have the best conversations with my SD when I am lying on the floor in her room, driving or something very casual and we talk about how she feels. So my recommendation is to try to talk to her about how she is feeling. Does she miss her Dad. Do things feel comfortable with her. Tell her how you feel about her etc.
Maybe that will open some doors and help her to find a place in your life too. Let me know how things go.
BF Daughter
Hi Kathleen,
I want to thank you for your advice. Honestly, I don't really feel comfortable with having conversations with my BF daughter's because, honestly I don't know where her loyalty lies. I honestly feel she loves her mom alot and I just don't feel comfortable to talk with the child like I would with my own because, I don't know if she will go back home and tell her mom what she and I talk about.
I mean I feel she wants to talk to me because, the other day she revealed something to me about her mom in confidence and I told her I could be trusted and I haven't told even her father because, it wasn't something I felt was bad. That was my way of opening doors with her so, she isn't afraid to talk to me about how she is feeling.
On that note I leave you with this thought and you be the judge of it. Maybe with time she will feel comfortable to talk to me.
feelings
I know what you are saying. I always had in the back of my mind, what I thought would pass back to BM and how anything I said might backfire. I think you are right that time may make things easier. However, I still stand by my suggestion. I think talking about her feelings will not betray her mom. In fact supporting her love for her mother might just make her feel safe. The biggest problem my SD has I think is that she is under the impression that she has to chose one "family" over the other. She was never supported by BM to enjoy or feel safe with us. I think being able to speak freely about a parent, isn't necessarily a bad thing. If she is doing it for what seems like ulterior reasons, getting her to share what is going on inside, might stop the comparisons and confusion she is feeling.
We all have different situations, but when I look back on the dynamic of my family and the problems that have arisen with my SD, I might have tried things more the way I suggested for you. I wish you luck.
BF Daughter
Hi Kathleen,
I thank you for your advice and I will take into consideration.
memories
I don't think that your sd is doing it to spite you, we all have memories and children of any age just come out and say things. I have been gone from my childrens father for 12 years and they still come out and say do you remember when? some times it's nice things some times it not!
My partners 9 year old son will still say lots of things about where his father and mother took him.
Oh yes it makes my stomach churn and I want to scream and tell him to shut up its over! move on kid forget it!
The one thing I realized was, what child needs to step on eggshells when they are talking to anyone. I think it is us adults that can't handle the truth.
Yes. I would acknowledge the child and say things like, that must have been really lovely the time you went here or there with your mum and dad.
After all it is what we, as adults see in our own minds that we don't like, and how dare we as adults take away memories from any person.
I now have this little fella following me like a puppy dog. I think he saw I was not going to take his mums place, the discipline is up to his dad and he also knows I will tell his dad when his has misbehaved. He gets to tell the story though not me.
I truly believe we are jealous that it was not us enjoying that time with the dad and that the child is not ours, and the memories are not ours.
Each day is a brand new day for creating memories of our own, include the child and make your own memories.
Good luck
BF Daughter
Hi
I thank you for your advice and I appreciate it.
I usually don't react at all
To SD talking about things regarding her parents marriage. She knows it was volatile, but every once in a while....
On our weekend away we saw a couple sitting on the same side of the booth (they weren't with anyone else- just chose to sit that way so they could hold hands, kiss, etc.) I told her, "That's a sure sign of love right there, I used to wish for a man who would want to sit on the same side of the booth with me. Your dad and I do sometimes when we have a date." SD said, "Dad and mom ALWAYS did," in this smug voice. I said, "Ummm...you mean when you were with them sitting on the other side?"
She said, "Oh." I hate to burst her bubble about their relationship, but she knows how horrible the fights were (BM would give DH a black eye now and then- that's how bad they were.) But.....no. They were NOT a "let's sit on the same side of the booth when it's just us" kind of couple!
I would simply say, "That's nice" when she goes on and on. I think they are really trying to get a reaction. Especially when their approaching adolescence. Testing that "power to bring down an adult's feelings in a single Proper noun" sort of thing. SD might increase to try to get to you at first. But the less you react, she will eventually give up. It will still happen once and a while, but should start to be genuinely when she's missing/thinking about her mom instead of trying to get you.
I would not worry about what she says to BM too much. Just don't get negative about it and you'll have no worries. I tell SD all the time, "What do you think about when your mom does/says...." Then it's all on her.
And Kathleen, I did what you suggested with SD from the beginning. I use the example of the Little Prince and the fox when approaching Skids. You have to stand back and let them come to you, coaxing them all the while. But be careful. SD now is so attached to our long talks that if she wants my attention (sometimes during family time with my sons) she will get all weepy and ask "to talk." Then we re-hash the same things over and over. I don't think she's looking for a resolution, just attention. I always listen, but after discussing it with SD's psychologist I now set a limit. If we're in the middle of a family thing I tell her a time I will be available later to talk. Usually, that's how I know if it's real or not. If not she will say she's over it by the time it wouldn't be disruptive to something else we're doing.
Good luck!
Peace, love, and red wine
I might have missed it....
How old is SD?
Lots of kids memories don't go all that far back, but what they do remember they remember clearly. Perhaps trying to form positive memories about you; BF and her?
Before my relationship ended, the person we were going to for "counseling" suggested that we take lots of pictures. Now in hindsight that the relationship ended, we didn't take many pictures at all. I think had we taken more pictures of us doing things as a family there might have been more positive reinforcement.
Its not a statment about how good or bad one relationship was in comparison, just a way (underhandedly) to point out the good things in the current relationship. Couldn't hurt...
Kevin
Memory lane
I too have endured this, remember this or that. It took everything I had not to point out oh, was that before blah blah blah bad happened? I told DH I was about to say something and I think he told her, those things are best when its just the two of them.
I don't begrudge the few happy memories they have I guess but if you are trying to tell me something by this, it won't work. Just one more boundary that needs to be set . . .
Most Evil
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats
Hi, I thank you for your
Hi,
I thank you for your advice and your reply was so funny.
Thanks for the cheering up.
hang in there honey
happy to be of service
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats