Been a while... but I need some advice.
SD told us Friday night that every weekend she is with BM she sleeps in the same room with BM, SF, SB and BS and that SF only wears shorts to bed and no shirt. BM insist that SD calls SF "daddy"...also, she told us that they all watched Twilight together - SD is 6!
I am appalled to say the very least at these events and wonder if I am over reacting with making it a point to tell DH that he needs to email or call X and tell her in plan English if these events DO NOT stop we will be in court asking to take away 50/50 and go for primary custody and for BM to only have supervised visitation.
All this after BM tells DH that she feels BD needs a therapist to talk to because she is "afraid of everything" and has "too many bad dreams". Also... BM and SF ALWAYS have children sleeping in their bedroom... so when are they having sex??? The thought of this makes me want to VOMIT!
Ok, so am I off my rocker to think there is something very wrong with this whole scenario? Please be honest!
In my opinion, and its just
In my opinion, and its just that, there is something odd about this. First, to be clear; do you really mean that SD, BM, SF, SB and BS all sleep in the same room? That is what you said right? Is this because there is only one room? If so then they clearly have no choice, nonetheless suitable sleeping arrangements should be worked on. If not, then as I say, its a bit odd. Children need the independence of not only their own bed but also their own room, or at very least a room shared with their sibling(s) and not parents. Our kids only ever came in our room if they had a nightmare, but post 5 or 6yrs even that stopped and we would go to console them in their room for a few minutes and get them back to sleep. Also, this issue of watching Twilight with a 6 yr old; there are film certifications for a reason. I'd suggest some parental counselling for BM and SF, they don't seem to understand what's best for the children. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing unless there's something very unholy going on, I'd be calm, objective, reasonable and caring in how you approach BM and SF. Offer them the chance to discuss or advise some counselling support. Best of luck.
The "temporary" living
The "temporary" living arrangement since Dec. 2009 is BM and SF with all 4 kids are living with his parents in a 3/2. SD has her own room but for whatever reason...BM allows her to sleep in the room with them. Every other week they have all 4 children and they always have at minimum 1 child at all times.
According to SD, there is a big bed that BM and SF sleep in and there is a 3 level bunk bed (never knew they even existed, except in military barracks) that her step-brother, sister and she sleeps on in their with them. But what I don't see is what is the purpose of allowing SD in there if she has her own room? It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. Ok, the other ones have to sleep in there because they have no where else to sleep but really there is no reason even if there are nightmares or whatever to allow it. The child has little to no independent skills as it is, so this just adds to the issue.
DH and I tried to explain it to SD the best way we knew how... we said... SD you have a room of your own here and at your BM's, that is your space and where you sleep. And the only time you should go into our room or into BM/SF room at night is if you are scared but you should always sleep in your room. We also said that her brother with DH and I never sleeps with us when she isn't there, he always sleeps in his room.
DH said X replied to his email and he will send it to me, so we shall see what her side of the tale is.
Thanks for the clarification
Thanks for the clarification and it would seem you are handling the situation admirably. Given this 'temporary' living arrangement suggests that they are all staying with SF's parents (and the kids Grandparents) one would hope they, the GPs, would have some influence over this too? The key here would seem to be to get BM/SF onto your line of thinking: a careful and respectful approach hopefully stands the best chance of success. Maybe the 6 yr old likes the comfort of her BM at night, I know our youngest (5) does but we insist he goes back to his bed, which is sometimes tough for some parents. Keep working on the BM, it would seem the best option.
For us we are very careful
For us we are very careful with SD due to SD stating a couple years ago that SF was washing her "pee-pee" with soap and "wouldn't stop" so when DH called BM about this, she denied it taking place and that her husband has never given SD a bath and would never do such a thing. But WHY in the world would SD make this up? She was 4 at the time, and really how would a 4 year old have such a vivid recollection of this if it never happened?
So for me, coming from abuse; I am so very protect of her and look at everything she says as a sign there is something not quite right with the living arrangements. And I am a bull dog when it comes to children and protecting them from harm... so for me it is so hard to not call BM up and just ball her out!
But I am letting DH deal with this, and if we have to we will go to court if it doesn't stop.
Ummm...cheesedoff: Child
Ummm...cheesedoff: Child abuse is illegal worldwide! That is what StayorGo is intermating may, only may, be happening. From what you suggest StayorGo if SD was telling the truth, and as you say, at 4 yrs she'll probably tell it as she sees it, what could have happened is getting very close to a minor sexual abuse act. If you really believe this is the case and SD is at risk then stuff the courts, call the Police. I hate meddling on a subject but if you really feel like this and these allegations are even remotely possible then there is only one call of action in my view. You may want to warn BM and SF but consider the mental state of someone who would do that in the first place, a warning could trigger something else. I just wouldn't let any of my kids go back there until this was sorted out. Sorry.
DH and I had it out about all
DH and I had it out about all of this last night. I told him I don't forget anything that SD says, so I reminded him about what she said of her SF 2 years ago and how BM denied it taking place. I told him there is something NOT right at that house...I can feel it in my bones. Now my problem is neither DH or BM want to hear a word I say... I shouldn't have an opinion about anything that happens to SD.
There is no reason for SD to have nightmares all the time and just stare off into space like she is looking for something in the dark for her to say she is afraid of. I literally went item by item in her bedroom and told her that with the light on or off, nothing changes in her room that she has nothing to fear.
I personally believe fears are a learned trait, not something children are born with. So every fear she has is due to actions and situations she has experienced.
I didn't sleep worth an hour last night, and today I am thinking why do I even care? Both BM and DH are hopelessly lost and just because they share DNA with SD wont make them good parents. And now knowing that both DH and BM are just going through this all with blinders on makes my stomach turn.