No you are not wrong. A 12 year old can be and SHOULD BE doing much more than "simple chores", IMHO. And definitely be able to manage hygiene. Sound like this kid has been pampered her whole life and been taught nothing about...well, life and living. 

You should not have to take on HIS responsibilities for HIS daughter. If he is unable to manage her when she is there, he should reduce his time with her until such time that he can care for her. She is NOT there to spend time with you... and you definitely do not need the added stress and work. 

This relationship sounds lopsided to me. Only one person gaining and the other losing quality of life. A relationship like that is destined to fail.

ETA: Your english is very good. Had you not mentioned, I would have never known it is not your first language. 

How about a chore chart, posted on the fridge super-Nanny style, detailing her chores,day by day?

When does your maternity leave end?  How will your bf cope when you go back to work?

Ditto what was said about your English

Do you have a job outside the home?  With a boyfriend who expects you to do all the work for his kids, a skid who is lazy, jealous and annoys you . . . I wouldn't want to be financially dependent on a boyfriend in this situation. 

What did your BF do during his custody time with his daughter before you lived with him? Who ran her around, watched her and kept house?

And NO, you are not unfair. 

He should inspect her chores before she gets paid. That's a life lesson she needs to learn before she gets a job.  No boss will keep her around if she grew up thinking that she gets paid without doing the work.  Daddy is failing her.  Do not do her chores.  Let her dad handle it. You asked for help so stand back and leave them room to figure it out.   

In order for SD12 to learn to do chores, a parent (not you, because this is not your responsibility) needs to be there to remind her once, then to enforce the penalty for not doing her chores. She definitely should not be getting paid for work that you are doing. 

I've been through this with my 3 SD's. The only way is for you to stop doing it. Then, if she doesn't do it by a certain time, then you can facetime or videochat with her dad, hand the phone over to her and have her explain to her dad why she didn't do her chores. Then he can be the parent. Easy, right? Now, if dear old dad is avoiding his parenting responsiblity or being a "Disney Dad" then you will find out that he is the problem, not her. Either way, it should be on him to discipline her. If he wont, I would seriously think about leaving him. 

Its not unfair but what you want will never happen. Chores and hygiene are things that a person is raised doing frequently and consistently until it becomes part of their habits and routines. BM probably does everything for her so when she comes over to stay with you, she keeps the same habits

I long understood that my steps will never pick up after themselves or simply clean the pee they leave on toilet seats with the disinfecting wipes in front of them. BM1 lives in squalor and BM2 serves her children hand and foot

It sucks because they are destructive and messy but it wont change so you need to either bite your time until 18 or limit her access to areas she can mess up. You can also leave her mess the way it is until your husband comes home to clean up but if he is anything like mine he will not clean up after her either and it will stay like that for weeks/months

As much as it sucks to "train" your spouse, that is what kind of has to happen. If nothing ever really affect him, because you do it, nothing will change.

Stop doing SD's chores. Your expectations are totally normal and healthy for any 12 yr old. Make your BF do them when they aren't done. Make it hard and inconvenient for him! Also, work. Seriously, more than part time. Get your financial independence back. 

It sounds like your husband has never had to parent.  He relied on his parents before; now he's relying on you. His daughter's mess, poor hygiene and failure to do chores isn't affecting him (except to the extent he has to listen to you on the topic), so he doesn't step up and do anything about it.  It's time to let him know HE needs to step up.  Let him know that he's doing his daughter a disservice.  Let him know she's getting to an age where she'll be made fun of for poor hygiene,  and that YOU are not a maid and will not and cannot do everything. Maybe he needs to lean on his parents again. Maybe he needs to cut back his work hours.  Or maybe he just has to pay attention and stop making excuses for her.  Step back so that he's forced to step up. 

That she never does. 
 

stop doing chores for her. At even 3-4 yrs old, my kids and my coosins kids were trained to put dirty laundry in washing machine. I load the soap and fabric softener and kids press the start button.

my kids get the handheld vacuum to clean up their mess and use baby wipes to clean up small spills. Your sd is basically teen age and old enough to step up and take care of herself.

my husband from work would message ss and ask if he did chores. If no answer within 10-15 mins, hubby sent another message. This exchange would go on for most of the day till ss had 20-30 messages from hubby.

when ss messaged hubby to say it was done, hubby messaged me to confirm it was done (and it was). Now ss could have avoided all those unnecessary messages if he did chores first thing and messaged hubby quickly.

thats the only way they learn. If hubby isn't gonna ensure and follow through with repercussions, then you don't do those chores. Let the pile of sd laundry not get done. She had stinky unwashed school uniforms available only for school. She can play a victim but you have a baby and your priorities are first and foremost with your child

You are the adult, you win the fight.  The 12 yo either does her chores, or she sits in her room with no electronics. No cell phone, no tv no gaming system. 

Has LESS responsibility NOW than she had at 12-13 when she was at least helping with her gma. Gma has since passed, and she is 1. Not held responsible for keeping her room clean 2. Clothes are piled all over the floor, I never see her do laundry 3. Never cleans the bathroom she uses, and the rare times she does shower she will leave her hair and scum all over the tub 4. She will drop her used dishes in the sink if there are others and now she is "uncomfortable" because Im just all about the dishes and wont let her leave her stuff around the house in common areas.

LEts not talk  about her yellow teeth, and obesity as well as ditching class and 2 D's.

My point is that this will NOT get better. Your partner needs to step up and PARENT. Husband doesnt want to parent, or makes excuses that he is not allowed to parent and this is the result. Lazy A$$ kid.

why is your BF taking extra work when he knows how he has his daughter?  that seems like a cop-out to me and avoiding the responsibilties.  stop doing anything and he can deal with her mess when he gets home.   by 12 years old she should be able to most basic things ,, start by giving suttle annoying consequences ,,for example,, if she leaves her dirty dishes in the sink without rinsing them ,, take them and dump them on her bed and keep doing it until she washes them,,, even if you have no clean cups left.   The jealously with your son is worrying though,, daddy needs to sort that asap! 

Your BF needs to set the expectations with his daughter and consequences for not doing what she is supposed to.

If she doesn't perform her chores.. he should be the one to make up the extra work.. even if "sob" he is working those hours.. perhaps when it is impacting HIS life he will make more of an effort to change it?

That being said.. chores do need to be reasonable for a 12 yo.. and they should be given as a way for her to learn responsibility.. not so much to give you a break per se... she shouldn't be treated like a maid.. but yes.. a 12 yo can certainly do her own laundry.. and clean her own bathroom.. and she can help with other chores too.. reasonably .. allowing for time to do her homework.. and have some down time too when she is not in school.

So.. in a way.. it does slightly come off as she is being seen as a solution to you feeling overworked.... and that isn't really the motivation I would rather see for her having chores to do.  It may not be that at all.. but that is kind of how the post seemed to me.

But.. your BF is a problem too if he knows she is not performing these tasks.. but still rewarding her by paying her to do them.. no work.. no pay.

Yes, definitely disengage from DHs lack of parenting. DH and I share an almost 2 year old, and he has SD12. Honestly, our toddler "helps" out more than SD! He will walk around behind me with a broom when I'm vaccuuming, take clothes out of washer and hand them to me, etc. 

DH will ask SD12 a million times "did you clean your room?" and she simply just doesn't do it. Thankfully she spend 99% of her time in her room. If anything is left out in the common areas, I simply place it in her room, and close the door. Her room can be a pigsty and have terrible hygeine for all I care. But with a toddler, I simply don't have the time to reinforce DHs failed parenting. Not my responsibility. 

Cut off the WiFi for her until she does her chores.  No electronics for her.  Take away them all.  No half assed jobs either, she does them to your standard or no WiFi.  Most 12 yos understand this.  Logical consequences.   

You are certainly not being unfair.  The issue here seems to be a parenting problem with your BF.  This is not your kid, not your responsibility.  Your BF needs to start being the parent.  Also, SD is old enough to have more than simple chores.  And in my opinion, kids should not be paid for chores as it is how they earn their keep.  We all had chores when we were kids and we were NOT paid for them.  It was expected and it taught all of us responsibility.  SD stays with you a week at a time; there is no reason why she shouldn't be expected to pick up after herself and perform personal hygiene. 

Your BF (not you) needs to set expectations and consequences for not meeting those expectations.  If she doesn't do her assigned chores, then she gets all electronic devices taken away, etc.etc.  If I were you, I would disengage from her.  She isn't your problem and as a stepparent, you shouldn't have to parent her and make sure she does what she's supposed to.

I worry that if your BF does not step up and start parenting his daughter, then her behavior will get worse, which will make things worse for you.  It sounds like your BF is guilt parenting since he and his daughter's mother separated when she was 1.  Guilt parenting is a bad path to walk down.  My ex husband guilt-parented his son and in the end, he had a 21 yo manchild in our home who had no intention of working and moving out  - eventually, I got sick of everything and I left.  I don't know for sure, but I would be willing to bet that my ex SS, who would now be 22, is still living with his daddy.  And all because no one wanted to set expectations of this kid.  Sad.

Please keep us posted - we are here for you! 

Chores are the child's responsitiilty and contribution to the family.  

To earn money, a kid can do something beyond chores. Tilling a garden, digging a crawl space under the house into a storage depth space, excavating a planting bed, mixing fertilizer into the soil, then returning it to the bed, etc.......  These are  the types of things we earned money by doing.  Sweeping, moping, doing dishes, dusting and oiling furniture, etc......

Neither were chores used as punishment.  They were responsibilities.  

While not doing them certainly resulted in punishment and unpleaant consequences. After the consequences, the chores still had to be done.

All IMHO of course.

No you are not asking too much.

A 12 yr old should be able to do chores. 

Your DH should be running circles around YOU trying to make it easier for you especially as a new mama with PPD. 

Yes its hard on skids when they have a new half sibling. Enabling the skid is not the fix. Making sure SD feels part of the family AND being held accountable for her chores is a start. Ya know like a part of the family, the good bad and ugly.

You have every right to assert your authority. Too bad so sad if SD doesnt like it. Thats what families do. Your DH needs to stop running circles around SD to keep her happy, otherwise she will grow up to be an entitled adult skid. SD needs to learn to respect and listen to you. Your DH needs to enforce this. If SD feels like Cinderella then hand her a broom   ;)

to say my mom died when I was 11 years old. My aunt who lives upstairs helped my dad, brother and me for about a year. At 12, I went to school, cooked, cleaned, did laundry and took care of my little brother while my father worked. I was responsible and capable of doing all that work all while keeping good grades, so your SD can do such minimal chores easily. I am guilty of babying my youngest son and while he's a great kid, I see where I have failed to make him more independent. He's 16 and we are working on it, so it's easier to start younger. She is more than capable of doing chores and helping you. Your husband is more than capable of enforcing the rules. It's just easier for them to ignore it because you will do the chores and reminding for them. Maybe STOP and see what happens. I'm not sure what to advise that is better than what everyone else has said. Take care of yourself and your sweet baby!!!