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She doesn't want anymore kids.

SilentGuy's picture

Well, I never thought I'd be in this situation, but I guess I needed to turn to someone who would listen. I'm in a blended family, and never expected to be in one. How I got in this situation is a long story, but the end result is that I had a kid with someone who I considered a friend. She had a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 4 years old. To make matters more complicated, I am a merchant mariner, who must travel 100% for work, until I can find something on land. It's a pretty successful career and I'm in a good position thanks to her. When I had nothing and was nearing the end of grad school, she did everything to help me through. Once I got this job, she didn't want to lose me. As a result, she pushed into having a kid with me.

When we got into a relationship initially, we talked about having more kids, other than her first daughter. She said she wanted to have all her kids before the age of 35, and would have multiple kids with me. We agreed that when we do have kids, we would wait two years between kids. Having more than one kid is something that's very important to me. I've always wanted that - it was a wish from my childhood. After spending 32 years being education and job-focused, I wanted children before it was too late.

We had our first daughter together (her second daughter and my only biological child). Labor was very hard and tramautizing for her but she pulled through with me at her side. Also she had post partum depression, but again I never left her side, during the hard times. Now I'm back at work 4 months after the baby was born, risking my life at sea and making money for our family.

She went from wanting more kids and imagining more kids together, to being iffy about having more kids to not wanting any more kids. She doesnt want any more kids.

I'm confused and hurt. I feel misled. She'll have two kids that look related to her, and grandkids that all look like her. I'll only have one kid with her. And if our daughter decides not to have any children, then I'll be left without grandchildren. I can take care of her daughter and be a father figure to her the best I can but for me... it's not the same as having a biological kid.

WTF? I dont know what to do...



beebeel's picture

She was fine with more kids until she learned that not all pregnancies and births are easy. She is at much higher risk of having PPD again. These are serious concerns for her and you seem to be dismissing them because she's fine now. And if you feel like she "owes" you more kids because you were "there for her" while she gave birth to your child, you need to check yourself, sir.

StepUltimate's picture

Haven't been in your shoes but I'm glad you posted here, don't keep it bottled up. Sending positive thoughts your way. Hopefully she recovers from the 2nd birth & PPD well so you come to a positive solution. This has to be hard and I really feel for you. Especially being far away.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

If I'm reading this correctly, she just had a baby 4 months ago and is now solely in charge of a 4 year old and a brand new infant. You packed up and sailed away but are pressuring her, while she is still sore from giving birth, to have another kid. 


Speaking from the perspective of the partner that stays home, yes, not having to worry about money is nice. Yes, I appreciate my DH working a dangerous, highpaying man job to give us luxury. No, it does not mitigate me being the only one to cook meals, run errands, clean house, go to activities, arrange play dates, scrub barf at 2AM, care for the pets and find time for my own activities. Yes, you have a hard job but that's all you have to focus on when you are there. So maybe you want the poor lady to get her stitches out before you start  trying to knock her up again. Perhaps she feels like you only married her for her fertility?

notarelative's picture

There's a letter in our morning paper advice column today about this issue. The answer was that if the couple disagrees, the one saying no always wins.

Asking someone to have another baby when they have a child under five and a baby who does not yet sleep through the night is not a good idea. You are lucky she did not hit you over the head with the nearest object when you brought this up. A jury of her peers, mothers of non full night sleeping infants, would have quickly found her not guilty.

Keep your mouth shut about this while you are away. When home give your wife a break and assume all child care and housekeeping duties and see how it actually works. You may find her reasoning sound.

On the other hand, the baby is really young. Your wife may change her mind in a few years.


Rags's picture

She didn't mislead  you, she didn't lie to you. She had a child with you then changed her mind regarding having another.  That is life. Shit happens, things change. FIDO and get your head on straight.


Your DW had an extremely difficult pregnancy and delivery giving you (and herself) your daughter and you are making up a bunch of irrelevant bullshit about being upset that she doesn't want to go through that again and is denying you a second daughter while she already has 2.  Really? 

So what if you have another? Then you will be upset that she has three and you only have two. etc, etc, etc, etc.................?

I have no BKs.  I met an amazing woman with a 15mo little boy and we decided to make a life together.  We were and remain the  3 musketeers.  Our son is now 25yo.  My bride nearly died from toxemia/pre-eclampsia with her first pregnancy and I for damned sure was not willing to jeapardize her life just to put my genetic stamp on a spawn.    In fact my bride wanted more... heck... so did I.... but I refused to risk her life.  She gave me her son, I raised him as my own.  Guess what? He is  now MY son. I even have papers and a re-issued birth certificate stating just that.  Three years ago I became the happy father of a 22yo new born!!!!!!!  I still am a very happy father just as I have always been. Except of course during the kid brain fart years and episodes... but that is just parenting.

I wish I could comprehend your perspective on this. I really do.  But I don't and can't. 

Please extricate your head from your own butt and man up.  Your wife gave you a daughter of your own.  You have every opportunity to make your SD your own as well. Be a father do her.  Just as you are to your BioDaughter.  My son may some day give his mom and I GandSpawn.  Or  not. Either way... I am sharing my life with an incredible woman, I have a son that I am proud to have raised as my own and I am proud that he wears our family name on his uniform as he serves our country.

Quit whining, grow up, and gain some clarity on what you have rather than pouting about what  you don't have.  You are not the one whose physical and mental health was jeopardized by having your daughter. Your wife is the one who faced those challenges. While I applaud that you have been there for her and very supportive during the pregnancy, birth and PPD ... you did not have to live it in the first person.

Good luck. Be  happy.