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Am I Crazy?

Redsonya's picture

I married my DH in February - he has a DD17, DS12, and his ex-wife's nephew who they have raised since he was 2. I have one DD2. I LOVE his two bio kids - it was a little difficult at first with his DS, but I expected that. He is young and wanting his parents back together. The nephew has some real issues - his mom did drugs while she was carrying him. I am having a hard time with him because he is pretty obnoxious, never cleans up after himself and never says thank you for anything. I buy the kids ALOT of fun things and now he asks for expensive stuff all the time. Luckily all he wants to do is play video games all day and night so its not much problem. We all get along so well, that since my DH has been out of town for the past three weeks, I've had them two weekends. They wanted to see me and DD2 and I really wanted to see them. When DH couldn't make it to a birthday trip I planned for his DS12, I invited the biomom to come and we had a really good time. I also drive an hour back and forth picking up and dropping the kids off - and an hour back and forth during the weekends when DD17 is scheduled to work. I also provide them with insurance and medical funds from work - trying to be an adult here and make everyone happy. Maybe I am nuts, but after all of this, I was really hurt that the kids and biomom had a BBQ on Memorial Day and invited all of DH's family - mom, sister, brother in law, and they attended...with bio-moms new boyfriend. It feels like I will never be seen as DH's wife - just a back up or someone he is having an affair with. DH had a vasectomy so I'am also giving up the potential to have kids of my own. He keeps pointing out that we have four kids and don't need more - I pointed out last night that we have three kids and his ex's nephew who he doesn't even have legal guardianship over. How is it fair that we shouldn't have more kids because his ex has an f'ed up family and they had to take the kid? Anyways, seriously putting some thought into whether this is the life I want. Am I crazy?

briarmommy's picture

No sweetie you are not crazy, that is a lot to take on. It is a situation you should think over very carefully before making a final decision. You don't have any children with this man to tie you to him and the marriage has not been for that long so if you can't deal with all this you should get out now, while you still can financially and before it becomes to late and you give up hope of having your own children if that is something you want.

Redsonya's picture

I guess I just feel a little stupid that I was so hurt I wasn't invited, lol. It is my DH's ex, but if she hadn't invited the rest of his family, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. I think it just feels like I am okay when she would like time with her boyfriend or has plans and wants me to take the kids, buying them things, providing insurance, picking them up and delivering them, etc., but then when there are family events, I am not wanted and she keeps all the ties with DH's family (her family is nuts and she has restrainig orders on them all). Same goes for DH actually - I put everything I have into creating a family with him, but it doesn't seem to be reciprocated. He is very affectionate, but he blew off mother's day, didn't even ask the ex to trade weekends with him so he could be with me on my last birthday (we were just dating then), and really doesnt do much to help with my DD2. He even told me not to coach my DD2 to call him dad after we were first married because it might upset DS12 - even DD2 has picked up on this and calls him by his first name most of the time. My DD2's father died of cancer right before she was born so she doesn't have a dad - you'd think a father could explain that to a 12 year old and not put up with any bad behavior over it. Feeling a bit like a glorified babysitter, counseler, and bank account at this point. I keep thinking I should pull back and just not do these things for everyone, but I want to do nice things for them and be a family. I just don't want to feel used and I want to feel like DH is being just as thoughtful and supportive.

As far as having kids - I have my DD2 from my former DH, but I would like to have one more baby and have the experience of having my DH there. He has said we can talk about getting a vasectomy reversal and that he wants me to be fulfilled. When I told him I don't want to have kids with someone who doesn't want them, he says that his first daughter wasnt' planned and that worked out okay, ummmm what? So you had all your kids with the first wife and now you guess you could have another with me even if you don't want one?

briarmommy's picture

The thing about your daughter not calling him dad would really bother me, she is going to be around him forever if you stay together and this shows a severe lack of respect for her because he will be the only dad she will now. That would scare me, I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up as a second class citizon in her own home.

zazzery's picture

I can understand why you feel left out and frustrated. Was the kids thing a known issue before you got together?

Redsonya's picture

Yes - I knew that he had a vasectomy and I wasn't too bothered by it originally. I think it is bothering me more now because I feel like I am giving up so much in other areas of our relationship. One of my sisters is ready to stage an intervention to get me to leave him (she is single) and the other (married) thinks I should talk it out with him and give it another shot. I don't know - I was never good at feeling second best.

Zoie's picture

I'm sorry that you lost your husband to cancer...I hope you are doing ok..

Your DH doesn't seem to be plugged in at all..He asked you to marry him, to be his partner, his wife, his best friend and the SM to his seems to me you have done so much for him and his family that he needs to step up and be a husband to you and a father to your child. He said he doesn't want you to coach her to call him DAD...WTF is that all about??? I honestly think I would of walked out right then and there.

I mean come on does he plan on being in your life and your childs life?? YES OR NO... You need to have a chat with this boy and set things straight..if he chooses not be part of your whole life then you will have to make a very difficult decision..

I wish you all the best..hang in there.. Smile