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Constructive advice needed

obrnmom6's picture

Let me start off by warning you this is long, but I'll try to deliver the condensed version.

My BF and I moved in together in May. The house is in my name only, but I feel it is our home. I have sole custody of my 6 kids,(ds19, dd17, dd13, dd11, ds4, dd2)the 5 youngest still live at home with me. He is still not divorced, but has visitation with his kids(ds13, dd11). We met after he had been separated for 6 months.

A month before we moved my dd17 and BF had and ugly argument. She was emotional and he acted stupid and juvenille. She's never forgiven him and he's never apologized.

My dd13 and dd11 are typical adolescents. They smart off and they are often lazy and do not pick up after themselves. For the most part I consider myself blessed I do not have kids that are in serious trouble or having serious problems in school, with the police, drugs, or alcohol. So when they are lazy I don't blow up, but BF does. I've tried repeatedly to tell him that yelling doesn't help it just causes resentment but he doesn't listen. The worse behavior dd13 and dd11 do is getting into things that don't belong to them without permission. This is unacceptable and they've been in trouble, by me, repeatedly but as of yet I haven't gotten a handle on it. BF locked up all his belonging in garage and they broke in. More ugly things were said.

Two months after our move I discovered his ds13 was sexually abusing my ds4. I imediately had this kid removed from my home, filed a police report, and sought therapy for my ds4. His ds13 is never welcome in my home again. BF said that means our relationship is over cause he can't turn his back on his kid. We've been trying to continue to make this work. He visits his kids at relatives, but it's been very difficult and the resentment continues to build between BF and my kids.

BF officially moved out about 6 weeks ago. Not only does this destroy me emotionally, but financially, because he is supposed to pay half the bills here.

I don't know what I'm expecting. As I read this it seems clear I should just get out of this relationship completely. I guess I really thought he would choose me and the life he had with me and agree to family counseling so we could repair relationships, but I know this will never happen and I'm wrong to even expect it. My dd2 believes BF is her daddy it breaks my heart that he can just walk away from her to be with his child molester kid.

instantfamily's picture

I agree with mimi above that OMG 6 kids and 5 live with you?! On top of that, what are you expecting after 6 weeks of BF being gone? He's gone. That's it. I would be fairly confident that this relationship is over- that said, you have to find a way to pay the bills. How were you paying them before BF?
I'm so glad you put your foot down on the molester child because he's clearly broken and cannot be fixed and if his dad isn't completely repulsed by this child he's effed up, too. Child molesters aren't just out of nowhere, they're made. I'd have some serious questions about a man who wasn't completely horrified by any child of his who had committed some kind of act on another child.
All said and done, what do you need to keep these kids under a roof and steered in the right direction?

obrnmom6's picture

prior to BF and I moving in together I lived in a rental home, which was half the price of my current mortgage.

BF still comes over and calls me daily. He says he wants to get to the bottom of why his kid did what he did and not end our relationship.

My 4 and 2 year old have different BD's. 4yo sees his bio family often, 2yo has no involvment with hers. I was trying to give just the basics in my OP. My life is rather convoluted.

For what it's worth the information I've been given by therapists/counselors is when kids molest kids it can be an isolated incident and futhermore this kid was not molested by anyone, even his therapist thinks so. And when given proper therapy they don't reoffend, unlike adult sex offenders. Unfortunately, I have lots of experience with this issue. I myself am a surrvior and this is also the reason I'm divorced as my ex abused our daughter. I do believe BF's kid is a monster, and he will not ever be in this house. I guess I can't wrap my head around my BF who says he loves me, but is choosing his kid. He says I wouldn't abandon my dc if they did this. I know this might sound horrific to some of you but IF one of my older dc did this to my little ones I would at all costs protect the victim in the situation. I try to explain to BF this does not mean I would no longer love the other child, but their actions have consequences and as a result they loose their family the way it previously was. BF says he just can't do that to his son. It's all so frustrating. I just want to say tell him to leave me the hell alone. Plus BF is so hateful to my older dd's, especially dd13 and dd11. It's amazing to me he has the balls to act the way he does with my girls when his son is a molester, but he claims the two situations have nothing to do with one another. I guess I should explain he's not always a jerk to them. He does nice things with them, play ball in the yard, being his assistant with a yard project, letting them tag along to the store, just simple stuff.

I'm so grateful I found this sight. Thanks to all who have suggestions for me.

wriggsy's picture

I hate to say it, but get out of the relationship. I know it's going to be hard at first, but it will be worth it. If he is going to be juvenille as say hurtful things to the kids...it isn't worth it. I know that we all (as bios and/or step) can lose our temper from time to time, but most adults will realize what we have done and apologize or try to right the wrong. It doesn't seem like he is interested in being an adult.

I hope that your DS4 is well and pray that it has no longer term effects on him...

obrnmom6's picture

Thanks, on this point you are spot on. His juvenille behavior is hurtful and no matter what I say or do it doesn't stop, nor does he apologize. He believes as an adult he's right kids must obey and tow the line. He thinks he applies this philosophy to his own dc, but obviously he doesn't.

obrnmom6's picture

I already stated that I realize it sounds unrealistic for him to limit his involvment with his kid for me, but I also think it's a bunch of crap to lose this relationship because his kid harms mine. His kid should be punished not my children or me.

stronggirl's picture

Sorry but get out. You are right and need to protect your kids at ALL COSTS...which sucks because it is nice to have a BF to just help emotional and financially. I am so sorry that you are going thru this but your gut feeling is right....

obrnmom6's picture

FYI, I don't parade men in my children's life. This is the the first relationship I've been in since my divorce. Yes, I've had 2 other children, but my kids never met my 4yo BD until he was born and my 2yo BD they have never met.

As far as reliable BC it doesn't exist. My last two were broken condom+moring after pill babies. I still got pregnant. During my marriage I had 1 child on BC pills. Abstaining or sterilization would be the only thing reliable.

BF and I were going to get married as soon as his divorce was final. So if we had already done so do you think we should breakup/divorce because of what his son did?

I agree my children are important. I struggled through school as a single parent to make a better life for them. I purchased this home with a big back yard for them. I ended my 14 year marriage to protect them. I ensured all of them had counseling to help them heal. I drive a 20yo car so they can have nice clothes and things. So being bitter about this situation, not my dc, seems rather normal to me. I'm just tired of pullin' up my big girl pants and movin' on. I'm sick of every pervert who's unable to keep his penis or hands to himself finding his way into my life to hurt me or my dc. Oh, and please explain to me how as a survior of sex abuse it is my fault my ex did this to our daughter or how I could have ANY idea my BF's son was capable of what he did?

pullmyhairout's picture

I agree with most of the others, you need to get out and let him walk away.
I think you've realized that and just need a little encouragment. You can do it. For your child you can do it!!!!
If you have to sell your house and move it will work out and all of you will be happier.
Good luck, what a horrible expereince. Sad

obrnmom6's picture

Yes, thanks encouragment is exactly what I need. It's just gonna take some time. Losing someone I love again is getting old.

obrnmom6's picture

For the record, yes, a police report was filed and DCFS became involved. DCFS has dropped the case because BF's ds does not meet criteria as a perpatrator. He is a minor, does not live in my home (only visited), and was never relied on as a daycare provider. BF hired an attorney for his son and as of yet the police have been unable to question him, so the criminal investigation has come to a hault and I'm sure eventually will be over. I pressed charges, but this attorney will more than likely get the kid off. He was 12 and a first time offender.

I've also had my ds in therapy and therapist believes since the abuse was so infrequent and caught very early on ds will not remember much. I'm not convinced of this because ds remembers everything.

I know what it means to "suck it up" and leave. I did it already with my abusive exhusband, so you're preaching to the choir sister. My children do come first. I divorced, returned to college, received my degree, and landed my dream job, so I could secure a future for my children. To be knocked down yet again is taking it's toll. Good for you that you are so damn strong but some of us struggle with depression and right now it's all I can do to get out of bed everyday.

Yes BF has been a jerk to my older dc, not abusive, just not kind. I agree it's bullshit and I've told him so. I hoped with therapy for all of us we could reunite, sans his kid. I know this isn't very likely.