ok that warmed my heart
i just got a call from ex bf's 10yr old daughter. she called to say she missed me and she was sad i was gone and she wants me to come back. she said 'we love you here. please come back'. my hear melted. i almost started crying.
i told her that us adults can be so silly with our adult stuff and that her father and i were working on 'stuff' to see if we can make that happen. she said 'ok, but don't take too long, i miss you. your car is sitting here in the drive way and you need to drive it.' i asked her if her father put her up to it and she said no. i really believe her.
ok now that's got to be the sweetest thing ever.
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That should make you feel better
Very nice compliment to you and you handled it in a gracious way.
Kevin
You never realize what you
You never realize what you have until its gone. Its hard to adjust to kids and Skids. Its confusing for them too. Best of luck to you
so i am going back
for a visit on thanksgiving. we're going to get a therapy sessoin in and spend Tday with the kids and his parents as they are flying in from Illinois. so far the ex has done some work through therapy and reading books, etc on his own.
today he's sending me a list of promises he says he intends to keep if i come back :?
baby steps
Take it slow
I'm sorry, but I chuckled at the 'list.' What is up with this guy & lists? And this is coming from a list person! (I can't go shopping wihtout a list!)
Obviously there is a love that everyone shares here & I don't blame you for not wanting to give that up. Who would? But I think keeping your own distance & coming back SLOWLY is the best thing you can do. So often we get caught up in all the emotions we lose site of the best way to handle things (I am so guilty of this) & we rush into it. Keeping an objective mind is tough, but I think it's probably best here. I guess what I'm saying is that you are following your heart, but letting your head lead the way. I think you are doing so well. Keep it up!
And keep that list. In fact, make another list using that one. Take all those promises, put it on a grid with a timeline, & check off the weeks that he kept those promises. That's speakin his list language. Ok, I'm being a smart ass, but wouldn't it be funny if it really worked?
Hipi
Just a word of caution...
When the big blow up first happened between me and the ex gf -- she wanted me to talk to the twin whose blow up precipitated everything. I did. I flat out asked him if he treated his friends the way he treated me whether he would still be friends with them or if he acted that way at school whether they would let him stay in school -- the answer was he wouldn't be friends with them and he wouldn't be allowed to stay in school. I treated him with respect and love though.
I still moved out and we tried to "date" but the behavior DID NOT change.
We ended up breaking up for good after severla more temper tantrums and her refusal to even take the first steps to have them evaluated for ODD and to try adn address the issues causing us problems.
Then in October my 12 year old daughter had to have unexpected eye surgery -- bilateral strabismus. The ex gf had known that she might have had to have surgery for over a year, because she was part of some of the previous discussions.
My 12 year old daughter who was told on a Thursday she was having surgery on a Tuesday text messages my ex gf (who was in a step paretn role for 3 years to her) because she was scared (and the ex gf is now a Nurse Practitioner) to tell her she is having surgery.
Neither I nor my ex wife knew she did it or had anythign to do with our 12 year old texting my ex gf.
The ex gf blew her off. Didn't respond. Just ignored it.
My ex wife and I had to deal with a very upset 12 year old who was facing surgery and also asking us why someone she had cared about would just "blow her off."
She also texted her after the surgery. Still ignored it. Just blew her off a second time.
Yeah, she may hate my guts as an ex boyfriend but to take it out on a scared 12 year old girl facing (eye) surgery for the first time in her life?
Especially when that lady had told me she loved my daughter and wanted the best for her? Uh huh. I dealt with my daughters disappointment and hurt and called friends and family and by the time she came to my house to recuperate there were 20-30 get well cards and she got a lot from my ex wife's side fo the family when she was recuperating at her mothers house. Situation solved and now the ex gf has defined her character in my eyes and its not a good one at all. To pretend to love someone is one thing. To intentionally hurt a scared 12 year old girl facing surgery for the first time in her life, especially when that little girl had looked up to her as a step mother? Speaks volumes for the ex gfs character.
The point I would like to make is that the old saying is "that the road to hell is paved with good intentions" is true -- make sure there is follow up and commitment.
Kevin
kevin
i think that was a very cold thing your ex gf did. i can completely understand why you had to end it. she clearly didn't have your daughter's best interest at heart. never mind our adult BS but when it comes to compromising or even jeopardizing children that's a big no no. kudos to you for doing what was right. although i am sure it was painful because you seemed to have loved her(or maybe even still do).
thanks for the advice though. i am much more alert and keen to what is going on than when i was in the thick of it with blinders on. so slowly proceeding with caution as they say.
Kevin...
I'm certainly not trying to defend your ex-gf by any means but I was just wondering if you talked to her after she blew your daughter off? The only reason I ask is because my DHs phone is horrible when it comes to text messages. He doesn't get them for hours sometimes and other times not at all. I don't even bother texting him anymore. I only ask because it takes a pretty low person to do what she did if she did......
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Promises?
Someone can make as many promises as they can, and yes you can attend counseling together, but none of it will work if the behavior isn't consistent with the words.
imo I think you shouldn't move until you see the results. Reversal would be at the top of that list, and what about you both getting a house together not so close to the ex and kids. I'm just afraid you'll be going back to the same rut, and what about after the season he lets someone else coach? So keep us abreast as to the promises he fulfills BEFORE you move all your stuff back. Instead of dwelling on this relationship I would be setting myself up financially so whatever happens you will be covered. Just some thoughts here.
oddly enough
ex just told me today he rescheduled his reversal appt for the week after thanksgiving. he wants me to stay with him a couple of days for recovery. he also said he spoke to his kids last night and told them he was not going to be moving that he was going to stay where he is and that he was going to enroll them in activities there.
so the man is making progress. and meanwhile i am continuing to make my own personal progress. either way it will be OK. i will be fine with whatever i decide. the hard part was over. that was moving out. realizing that life goes on with him or without him is what is really important in all of this. so this needed to happen so at the very least i can gain my own strength and identity back.
and if it turns out he really backs up his promises, if he truly is changing, then all the better. but dwelling? no. was i? yes.
either way life goes on..
Whaomi...
I am just going to reiterate what everyone else here has already said. Take your time. Visit for Thanksgiving and don't forget the past. It is soooo hard for someone to change and it takes time. I've been promised the world before too by someone who just didn't know how to deliver it...so just be careful.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Colorado Girl
We didn't encourage my/our daughter to text message her -- my daughter is on my cellular calling plan. The ex gf uses the same cell phone company I and my daughter use. We are all on Verizon Wireless. With our service we get deliver receipts when someone receives the text messages. Katie got the delivery receipt. But still no response.
Yeah.
Kevin
I think I would've called....
if only to tell her how inconsiderate and heartless she was.
So everything going good for your daughter now????
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
My daughter
Is doing okay, she may have to have another surgery. She has a follow up in a couple of weeks. The doctor was great. My ex wife works at that hospital. So Katie was comfortable going to the hospital. If she has surgery again it will probably be less stressful this next time.
I was more worried about the fall out and the recovery for my daughter than I was in trying to deal with an ex gf who does something like that to a scared twelve year old girl. My daughters eyes lit up with all of the cards -- so things worked out in the end.
If I would have called the ex gf I might have ended up saying more than how inconsiderate and heartless she was -- and frankly at this point, it ain't worth it. There are a lot of wonderful people out there and why continue to associate with people who just drag you down?
Karma will get you in the end -- and I tried the best I could for her and her kids. She was....who she is.
Kevin
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I wish it was that simple
The plans I subscribe for my daughter and I are unlimited texting (I access the internet for work on my phone) -- while we had been together my daughter liked to text message. I bought her a phone when her and her mom moved to a town 30 miles away -- that way I had a means of reaching her when going to get her.
Sometimes there is no defending someone's actions...
There are times I wish I could, but I am not going to defend her anymore. She was the one who pointed out how her kids temper tantrums were effecting my daughter, but then continually refused to address the issues of her kids being out of control -- even when her ex husband and other family members pointed out that the kids behavior was out of control.
Kevin
Kevin
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