thinking of going back..blog update
well it's been a little over a week since i have been online. i have been laying pretty low, trying to mend myself. i gotta say it has been very depressing and quite a shock to be staying with mom at this age. i just found out that i cannot go back to my apartment i had in new york, so now i am kind of stuck here with mom. i am already going crazy. i have been seeing a therpaist while i have been here and it's been incredibly helpful. she helped me to see things from different points of view. and to realize my accountability for the relationship ending the way it did and why past relationships have failed. my emotions i guess are much more intense than most. and it needs to be controlled. and it has sometimes forced my ex bf to shut down, to react in inappropriate ways and hide tings he shouldn't have. clearly his mistakes were far greater thatn mine, but every cause has an effect i guess.
coincidentally, my ex bf has enrolled himself in a divorce workshop and is asking me to go to a couples weekend workshop together. he is calling, texting all day, every day. he says he realizes what he has done and he feel terrible. he said he realizes all of his demands were ridiculous and says forget all of them. he says he can't live without me. he's completely depressed. he wants desperately to come to ohio next week and pick me up and drive my stuff back. i have to say that's pretty brave of him considering none of my family members would be very welcoming to him, all things considered. he wants to marry right away, and get a reversal as soon as i arrive.
i go back and i read my blogs, and other blogs and it seems that alot of this drama i went throuh is actually very typical in situations similar to mine. now i say most, as some of his behavior was unacceptable and i cannot excuse it.
i just can't help but to wonder if i should try this again. i wonder if i must be a fool. but i know he is a good man, to his core. he just has not been able to deal with circumstance. timing was definitely not on our side. but the love is there and still as strong. why can i not just let this go? i have had no problems letting past relationships go, but not this one. i invested so much and my heart is still in it. so am i a fool to go back?
- whoami's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I don't know you well and
I don't know you well and will go back to read about your situation before giving advice.
But...
Read Eat Pray Love. It's very good and the first third is about ending a marriage.
Peace, love, and red wine
Don't go back, please
I think that you're trying to rationalize things. you're trying to convince yourself that things aren't as bad as they really are. You have taken a big step in moving out. You didn't just move yourself out, you actually took furniture. It would be one thing if you just checked in to a hotel for a few days. Don't forget what made you get to that breaking point. The main thing is that you cannot forget why you left in the first place. He STILL HAS FEELINGS FOR HIS EX. And it's more than 20 percent, regardless of what he tells you. 20% is 20% too much still, and that is something that should have never been revealed. He is trying to appease her more than he is trying to make you happy. It sounds like her feelings come before yours. Which is not the way a relationship should go. You have had a week of being alone, and unhappy. Yet, you were with him and unhappy. There are better men out there, some without all this excess baggage. You have no ties to him, no children and no house payment.
Why do you want to be with someone who does not respect you, does not have his kids respect you, does not make his ex respect you, and still has feeling for his ex. Imagine life with sk's who will never respect you, who will treat you like leper when BM is around. Imagine life with the ex constantly there with her poison, her demands, her attitude that you can't stop her from doing what she wants with your bf, maybe Dh by then. Obviously he is not doing much to establish your place in his life.
There is no reason for them to be communicating beyond discussing the kids. E-mails work great. I email my bf's ex, so does he. We CC everything to each other. Phone calls are made when we are both there to offer input. I lucked out in that I have a great bf with great kids and a decent BM. We do eschange phone calls occasionally, but things have gotten a lot better once I introduced emailing. No more fights, arguments, etc.
But you did it. You cut the ties. He is crying now and saying what you want to hear, but do you honestly think that he will change? Did his feelings for his ex magically dissappear overnight? He lied, and lied again, and lied again. Give him an inch, and he'll take a foot. Give him a foot, and he'll take a yard. Please do not compromise yourself. You deserve someone who will put you first.
Counseling may be worth a shot....
I was one of those who originally told you to "run" as far from this man as you could get. Well, you have obviously done that, and created some much needed space for you both. It seems the move has already proven to be a growing experience for you both, you are in therapy and realizing your own accountability (bravo, a very hard thing to do I know firsthand), and he is realizing the errors in his ways. I would not rush back, however, there is still a lot of work to do, but it seems that you both have a great desire to try to make this work. That really does count for a lot. I would say, give the couples workshop a shot, and perhaps visit him a time or two a month for therapy for a while, and see what issues can and cannot be worked out between you. Then, bring the outcomes of the couples sessions to your individual therapist, and see if you can come up with a reconciliation plan that is fair, and does not compromise your self respect. But, I urge you, do NOT just go back without first getting professional help for the two of you, as a couple. Best of luck to you!
So glad to hear about your
So glad to hear about your progress....counseling and evaluating your role in the relationship. I'm sympathetic about living with your mom; it's hard at any age for most of us. But I'm hopeful she is thrilled to have you there.
It's encouraging to hear how BF is enrolled in a divorce workshop. Has he actually gone yet or is that coming up? My guess is after he's gone a few times, he'll get some insight into what he has to offer your relationship. Offering marriage and the "reversal" probably sounds appealing at this point, but allow him the time to get through some of those workshop sessions first; he may change his mind and realize that he needs more time before he commits to another long-term relationship. I think he's scared of being alone and he will be the better person once he gets beyond that. The divorce workshops will probably help him to realize that.
Clearly you love each other. That's not a question, which is GOOD. Fortunately love can last a long time while you both get your individual selves back to the best you can be.
You may know where I'm headed on my advise. Stay focused on YOU and the work you can do with your counselor. Allow your BF to stay focused on HIM for a while yet. Your love will endure it, away from each other. As you BOTH get your individual needs met by taking care of yourselves, the love will be stronger once you become a "couple" again. Give the separation more time.
Whoami, whatever you decide is the right decision for you. I offer my support in whatever decision you make now or in the future.
Me too!
I also think it's great you both see the errors made and are working on them. I also think running back to fast may make all the moving and heartache a pointless excercise. Most poeple will always be who they are deep down I have learned as I get older that people rarely do change. But opinions do change, and perhaps he has changed his opinion on the role that you play with his children and all may work out fine. Stay put for a few weeks longer and hopefully this move and all the pain will be the thing that puts you back on track in your relationship for a long time to come. And best of all, you will be a stronger person for it. Good luck.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Ditto !
on all the above advice, just give yourselves some time! As you so clearly love each other, that love will not fade away anytime soon, a little time is not going to hurt that, if anything it will make you and the relationship stronger!
Whatever happens, just know that if it is meant to be,you both are going to find a way to make it work.
Good Luck!
hangingin
ok...I've read back a few
I think you have to stay with your mom and reclaim yourself. I don't think you should talk to or see him for a while. I believe he needs therapy ALONE. OR with exW to tie all loose ends up. They are both still emotionally attached in a big way.
He should not be fixing up the house. He could help pay to have it fixed up, but it's confusing to the kids (let's face it we all know most kids fantasize about parents getting back together.) And it's likely confusing exW.
Also, I have never heard of a court ordered life insurance policy benefiting the exW-only ones benefiting the kids. And that should say that the kids are a beneficiary on his employment offered life insurance. Not the ex, and the kids don't have to be sole beneficiary either (I am on DH's only and the kids (all our kids) are contigent. I am not a beneficiary on my ExH's life insurance, just his wife and all their kids.)
Oh- NO to the reversal as well. It shouldn't even come up. As a matter of fact if he uses this as a bargaining tool it's emotional blackmail against you.
Your F needs to work through his past, peal that relationship off of him, all it's bad habits and all it's emotional ties. It sounds to me he is uncomfortable being alone which is common for all of us but men in particular seem to want to recreate the family their used to heading too quickly after a divorce. Maybe he is so uncomfortable that he is afraid without you he'll slip back to the negative relationship with his exW.
But...you are not responsible for anyone's happiness but YOURS.
Keep going to therapy yourself. Keep listening to yourself. Sometimes when we're lonely we miss the IDEA of what we thought the relationship was going to be...not the actual relationship. You miss Italy (I know I would!) but the real relationship?
Go back and re-read your posts. Print them and take them to the therapist. Go over why you had to leave. Surround yourself with cool girl/guy friends and hang out with them every free moment!
And....please go to the library and take out two books...
In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant
and
Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
You have some free time- fill it up!
Peace, love, and red wine
In the Meantime!!!
WHAT A FABULOUS BOOK! GREAT RECOMMENDATION!!
This is such an easy read, especially how the author uses the metaphor of cleaning your house with addressing various aspects of self!!
I think you can also get the ebook on line. IMO this is one of those books that you should own and keep going back to!! Mine is on the bookshelf right next to You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay!!
Also like....
One Day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla as well. It's a spiritual workbook and I am still using it years after buying it.
Have you ever watched "Starting Over" when it was on TV? Iyanla and Rhonda Britton (Fearless Living- which is another excellent book.) Here's the premise. They let 4-5 women come to a beautiful house with two life coaches (Iyanla and Britton) and a shrink. They take these women deep into what makes them keep making the same horrible mistakes in life until the women "graduate." It was incredible. I learned so much watching. I wished that house existed when I got divorced and went through a heartbreaking relationship while single. I had to do all if that healing all by myself!
Peace, love, and red wine
No I missed that!
That is right up my alley!
I was fortunate that my sister gave me the book shortly after my divorce. It really put things in perspective.
You are obviously a strong person to have weathered those storms by yourself! We all get through them, yet were not always healed!!
Why Would YOU Be The One To Move
I'm trying to be delicate here, but please rationalize why you would even consider moving, yet again! This is difficult, but pay more attention to his behavior than his words. That will tell you his true feelings.
Heres what you do imo. Stay put, but tell him if he's serious then this time he will need to move to your town. Whatever he has to do- rent his house, sell it what have you and both of you make a life out there. That would be my last compromise with this guy, because he can always get a new job, and do just what YOU did. He can fly his kids out now and then, big deal; people do it everyday. If he truly plans on putting you first, you'll know by that. Try it and see what he says. If he says no way, you know he was full of crap just as before. Sorry but why did you think it was better for you to put your life in turmoil the first time around, and give up everything you did? He didn't appreciate it at all, so don't be afraid to ask that of him. He'll give you a million excuses, but I'm sure you had friends, attachments, family ect...but that was ok?
Male viewpoint
Well, my ex gf and I had the big break up fight in May of this year. She talked me into going to the counselor that was seeing her kids. The counselor saw us three times and (from my point of view) never dealt with the twins behavior and the damage it did to our relationship. She didn't want to deal with the problems they had and so we ended up splitting up. Time may be able to help you heal your relationship -- it didn't heal mine but no relationship is the same.
Living with my mother (God bless her soul she is a saint) would drive me crazy too, but after something like this happens you need time to figure out what it is that you want. You need time to figure out what it is that you value. You need time to remember what your character is and what you like and dislike about your relationship.
Yes, its tough on me even 5 months post break up -- it will be tough on you too. Your friends and family well help you through it and your counselor is right in some ways -- no relationship problem is ever 100% the fault of one person. Somewhere along the way both parties contribute, but a "magic light switch" won't suddenly turn on and allow the two of you to make it. It will take work and time on both sides.
I can't tell you what to do either, but I will tell you to listen to what both your heart and head tell you what to do. Take the time to listen to them and not just the "short term" confusion. Life is too short not to be happy, and the two of you may end up back together but do you want a repeat of the same problems?
I wish I had answers, but all I can offer is support.
Kevin
that's what i am thinking
after i posted this, i thought to myself "Geez, it's only been a week". i am not 100% about this anyway so why on earth would i go back into the same crap? i am over 1000 miles away. ex bf has paid for both of my moves. poor thing he has spent ridiculous amounts of money on this, and he doesn't really have much.
and even though it's painful i feel like i am doing some healing. and when i think of going back there my heart begins to race. so that should tell me something. not sure what, but something. so i am going give it some more time.
i am going to head to the librabry and check out those books zen mom and persephone recommended. i actually read 'in the meantime' but a long time ago. it's time to revisit. anyway the upside to this, is that i have learned alot through this process and no mater what happens, i will be a better woman for it - for myself, and for other women.
thanks everyone for your input. of course if anyone else has anymore advice or if anyone would like to share their opinion, i totally welcome that.
Good luck to you
Take baby steps if you do consider going back. You could visit one weekend and go to therapy with him. Figure out with your therapist what you really want!
If things continue to progress with you two being so far apart then you will know when the time comes. You are strong! The mom situation is only temporary
Thanks for the update -
Set standards and then make a choice
Hi, and sorry you are feeling this way. I know how hard it is for you, and I do commend you for making such a brave and tough decision.
First, if you are considering going back, I would say for you to literally write down some deep thoughts about what you truly need, about what you want, about what is reasonable for the two of you to work out. I would set some personal standards and make sure that if they are ever broken again, that you leave for good.
I'm a believer that some people do need to love and lose before they truly see what life is like without their partner. But, I also believe that a week is not long enough for him to be THAT desperate. No matter what you decide, I would take it slowly. I would not marry him anytime soon.
Definitely, I think you two should talk. Perhaps, you should each write promises down to each other, similar to "pre wedding vows", almost. He will need to promise that although his kids will remain a top priority, his ex will not, and that her behavior will not interfere with your personal relationship. I truly believe that writing things down helps. Then, you have that to refer to and are making it "real". People say a lot of things. Give each other love letters of those promises and your feelings toward each other.
That is my suggestion. Yes, counseling is a good outlet, too. You are the only one who knows that is best for you. Good luck, and all my support. You are strong to have even made the steps you have. Just don't let any man crumble you. You are a beautiful and deserved human being who should not have to put up with sharing your fiance,boyfriend,husband with his ex.
Take care, and keep us posted!