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now that boxes are packed he's changing his tune

whoami's picture

bf has been calling me all day crying begging me not to go. he just sent an email saying that his 'needs' were unrealistic and that he proposes the following:

-keeps reversal appointment next week and goes through with it
-will continue coaching but promises give me one weekend a month for our alone time
-get married by end of year
-have a long sit down with kids to discuss our united front, their feelings, rules, etc
-have a talk with ex (all three of us) to enforce our united front and establish boundaries together.
-we still move closer to kids but not in suburbs

why on earth is he sending me this now? he realizes my leaving is no joke?
god i could just explode. i want to crawl in a hole and stay there.


Shopaholic's picture

He is desperate now, and he will say and do anything to keep you, but will he actually follow through..... well this is a different story and he may for a short time actually do what he says but sooner then later he will go back to being the same. I know from experience. Good Luck!

klinder180's picture

Same thing happened with my ex when the blow up happened in May. But once she had managed to "seem like she was trying" her desire to resolve the situation and deal with the issues went away. You can always move out until he shows real positive change....


Colorado Girl's picture

Seems everytime you leave, he changes his tune. Then you sacrifice and hold up your end of the bargain and then he doesn't follow through. First time, shame on you - Second time, shame on me.

I'd be careful not to fall for it again....

shandee's picture

What an emotional roller coaster!!! I have no great advice to make you feel better.... so i'll just pray for you today!

Rae's picture

Whoami, these were the promises he made to you before you even moved there. Not only did he not follow through, but in addition he made onerous demands on you, totally disregarding your feelings, and totally disregarding the effort, expense and committment you made in coming to him. He has been a total ass to you. I know, believe me, I know because I am in a similar position, how hard this is...I've invested so much of myself and my future in my SO, it's become the hardest thing in the world to think about leaving, and every time I do, he becomes a sweetheart again. I think what everyone says is right...after a long term marriage there has to be many years of healing and resolving the relationship and anyone trying to love a person in this process is just going to get hurt. I mentioned that to my SO the other night. I told him we got together much too soon after he ended his relationship with his wife...a long-term marriage...and that he was still too enmeshed. I told him I was thinking about leaving (still am) and let him get his life truly in order if he can. If he can, I'd still be there, if not, I wouldn't...but this turned into a HUGE fight and we are still trying to get a grip on where to go from here.

You've made a first hard break...arranging for the movers, getting an airline ticket, packing boxes and resolving in your own mind where you are going temporarily...don't go back...don't go back to square one unless you really, really think you cannot do anything else.

Regardless of your decision, we are with you!

whoami's picture

i must say i am very impressed you are stil around. how long have you been together and how recent was his divorce if you don't mind me asking? and what are some of the things that indicate that he is still enmeshed?

movers are coming tomorrow morning so i guess i am ready to go. i feel extremely sad Sad

sparky's picture

"Seems everytime you leave, he changes his tune. Then you sacrifice and hold up your end of the bargain and then he doesn't follow through. First time, shame on you - Second time, shame on me.

I'd be careful not to fall for it again...."

I agree with Colorado Girl

GoneCrazy's picture

I have to agree with the majority of the posts here. He has promised this same stuff to you more than once before and it has not happened. Honestly sit down and think about the situation...what makes you think this time will be different from the others. It's like an abused woman...It will get better next time, what happens next time? the same thing.

Whoami my heart goes out to you, I wish we could all be there and give you a great big hug and help you pack!

sweetthing's picture

I was married previously to a man who I had a life time of next years. For about 4 years of the 6 year marriage ( 9 year relationship) we would try for 1 more year & if things weren't different we would get a divorce. No amount of this or marriage counceling mad a difference & in the end divorce was the best answer. Spare yourself this. Find someone with less baggage.

Stepmom_C's picture

Only you know what will make you happy. You are in a tough spot. I wish you nothing but the best whatever you decide.

What do you want?

lcooper's picture

What you decide now will forever change your life. Either way, it is going to be different. I would tell him you need some time to yourself to really think things through. Consider all the things these other posts have said, how many times he has broken his promises, how many times he has begged you back when you were leaving and things just continued, and how you feel about YOURSELF in this relationship. A person that is good for us makes us feel good about ourselves. His lack of validation has to have done your self esteem some harm. Consider that. I won't pretend to know what I would do in your exact situation, but I'll tell you this. Just a week or so ago, I almost kicked my new husband out for seemingly putting his "ex life" above me and our soon to come twin babies. I laid it on the line for him, gave HIM an ultimatum, that he is to make us his first priority or I'm out. Now, this is the first time I've done this so we will see how it goes. At this point, he is definitely making steps to improve the situation, but we will see if it lasts. Hearing your story makes me feel as if I definitely want to put a limit on how many chances I give him. Again, right now, seems like things will move in the direction I want them too, but I have enough self respect, that if they don't, I won't spend years of my life being 2nd best in his life.

Best of luck to you.

Nymh's picture

Because he couldn't pound you into submission, and now you're ready to leave...he's exercising his power over you by trying to show you (again) that he's willing to fold and go back on his lofty demands in order to keep you. But what happens when he settles back down and gets comfortable in another few months and these new agreements go right back out the window? I just don't want to see you crying and upset and begging for help when he once again takes you for granted and tries to bully you into an unhappy and unsatisfying life.

Honey, just be careful. I can't stand to see you so upset and torn. Whatever you decide, make sure it's in YOUR best interest. I know it's hard, and I'll be thinking of you.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Catch22's picture

If things change for a month and then go back to how they were you will need to start back at the beginning of this horrible ride.

You are stronger than this. He has shown his true colors and if you look deep down inside yourself and pull that self worth out that you know is in there somewhere, you'll know you are worth more than a man who tries to beat you down and then when he is about to lose his game, he pulls on your heart strings. Don't let that heart rule your head are smarter than that.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Persephone's picture

This guy is a control freak...

-i shut up about my concerns with his relationship with daughter
-he will continue to coach daughter's soccer team and play other soccer and that the weekend a month by ourselves will not happen during soccer seasons or anyother extra caricular activities
-i must quit being so emotional and upset

Regardless if he thinks this previous list is unrealistic (logically it is because even a control freak knows they can't control another's feelings.) But he is trying to tell you how to feel about your living situation. This isn't going to change, because this is how he feels and his behaviors will show it.

Bottom line, he is selfish and does not support you.

Anonymous's picture

This guy just doesn't get it. The worst thing would be to move closer to the kids an ex. Doesn't he see that is the entire problem!! No he shouldn't sit down with the kids or ex, they most likely won't like anyone he would marry. BUT that doesn't matter, thats not their choice and he's needs to unmesh himself from them. Just like he cannot pick or comment on who they eventually marry, so he has it all wrong. He needs to not go inside ex's home, do the pick up drop off minus the conversation. In fact, he should start bringing you if you stay together. And thats a big IF. There should be NO conversation about his personal life, SHE is not and should not be privy to yours and his relationship. In fact I find it very disturbing that he seems to think he needs her approval or "united front". I almost wonder if you break up, is he going to try and go back with her. OR he has been trying and she is jerking him around to get rid of you.

I wouldn't even consider it on those terms. Definitely tell him you both need to get your own home and no where near them. As for the coaching, I would let him finish it out but after that no more. Most people we know have the kids join something by their home on their time. So the ex cannot be involved, let her sign them up for stuff while with her. (you both do not attend) For us, and friends we know, that has really worked. No conflicts and ex is out of it all.

I would make a written list of those normal expectations, and if he refuses that tells me he is still hoping for something with his ex. At least how his behavior comes across to me.