Why do our DH's expect us to fix things?
This has been a question on my mind since my discussion with FDH earlier today. We do not live together (been together for 5 years) and he wanted me to come over to "fix" the issue with his daughter. I told him that no, HE needed to fix it, not me. FDH of course got hurt and upset by that and started in with the so this is how you are going to deal with this crap? Yes, this is how I'm going to deal with it. I told him that I was sorry but that I was done being put in the middle and getting all of the blame. It is time for him to parent his kids and be the bad guy and take responsibility for his kids actions. He did his usual I know, I agree thing and I continued with well actions speak louder than words, I will not be coming over until he deals with the problems.
He did apologize for saying the things he said yesterday in front of his daughter and that he realizes he was wrong, to which I said yep you were and you just gave her all the power and control and reinforced that you and her were a team and united front, not us. That until that changes and WE become the united front, I would never move in, we can just continue living apart. That I was done with this, I was done with trying to help him when he asked me to and that he was not to ever ask me to help him ever again.
Why is it that these guys (or girls) want us to fix their kids but they are not willing to back us up or do anything? I'm sure that this topic has been discussed on here in the past, but I was just wondering what everyone else thought.
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They don't know HOW to fix
They don't know HOW to fix it. I mean, in theory they do, but in practice they don't. Most of them have guilt complexes that they cannot deal with and it's just easier to let the child have their way. I've been guilty of this myself a time or 2, but not on a continual basis. For me it seems to be dependent on the situation at the time... the few times I DO recall, ds was MUCH younger and his bd did something to hurt or disappoint him horribly. No way in the world could I have even tolerated my OWN child if I wouldn't have parented and disciplined him! Ugh, I dread just the THOUGHT of it!
I don't think they EXPECT us to FIX their children, but they expect us to fix our own issues to make the problem right with their little lovely because EVERYONE just KNOWS that little lovely could not POSSIBLY cause all of the problems that we think they do {insert finger down throat w/ gag reflex for effect}. I know that's how DH is right now with me anyway. He does not see that the whole reason I disengaged in the first place was a LONG time in coming, and is due to his lack of support for me, and his and sk's tempers, attitudes, disrespect, and mouths. I guess he probably thought I would be his and his kid's doormat forever. A shame for him and his kids because the doormat grew legs and a spine and is now walking upright with her head held high!
I am LOVING the lack of DRAMA in my life... the relationship I am enjoying with my own kids again... the peace and quiet! Oh, it's GLORIOUS! Why in the world would I EVER have put up with all of that is now BEYOND me and I am still debating whether dealing with the dh is even worth it anymore. If he keeps pushing me to allow his kids in my home and my life, I will unwelcome HIM here as well. For once in our freakin' marriage he can support ME by keeping his mouth shut to me and start talking where he SHOULD have been talking all along. So, as you can see, I'm totally with you on this one.