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Is it DF fault

sacto_madre's picture

You all have dealt with a BM is non-compromising, invades your life, has her own rules and thinks the world revolves around BM and DH. From what I see on this site - the majority of DH enable the EW to treat them they way they do. The DH has behavior patterns that are pre-established with the EW - communciation methods, frequency, white lies they tell to avoid conflict, being procrastinators and non-responsive until issues escalate. How do you get a DH to not procrastinate but also not communicate with EW for every single little thing. Recent example is EW read an article in the paper and felt the need to speak with DH about it - even though it is non relevant about SS. She called his cell phone - not the home phone - to speak with him. She never calls the home phone. I am thinking about disconnecting DH cell because of this and if he wants to pay for a cell to communicate with her - then he can do so. She can call his work or home. EW does this thing where she tries work, then cell, then work again, and last resort if SS is at my house, will call SS to relay a message to DH.

If DH responded to every single little thing - he would spend endless hours on the phone with her. So not sure if dc the cell is best solution but need to do something to direct the calls and limit her.


Stepmom_C's picture

If it were a true emergency then she'd leave a message. My DH and I had to reach a compromise. He quit taking her calls. I printed off the cell phone bill (I also paid for) and showed him where she called and texted him over 50 times in 1 month where she never once called her kids (we have custody). It was about her wanting to call him and continue talking to him. Sometimes she'd refer to the kids but deep down it was not wanting to "let go" even though she left him and the kids. Just set some boundaries.

whatamess's picture

I've seen it both ways...When DH and I met, he could not afford a cell phone because of the outrageous CS and bills left from the marriage...He was always concerned about me having to work late evenings and not having I got us both cell phones. You are correct that BM called him for every little thing...I got sick and tired that everywhere we went, she called...It drove me to the point that I got fed up and after our contract was up, I cancelled both cell phones. The calls then began at our house...which honestly, were a bit better...until she began calling and yelling at him, etc...and I was there with him...Then after that, I remember one day I called her and told her where to go...hmmm...not nice, but believe me she was crazy...she stopped the harrasment...Actually, what I told her was that if she continued to call my house for garbage, I would call HER husband and let him know that she was just calling and insinuating herself to DH, which actually was TRUE...she stopped calling. Now we live out of the country and I have no idea when or if she calls him or not. Sometimes I look at the cell phone bill, and other times, I just don't have the energy anymore...but she never calls our home. Honestly, I have let it go...If she wants to call him, I don't want it to be while he is with, she calls ONLY when he's not with me...and if she does call and he's with me, he doesn't even tell me and just doesn't answer the phone...I tell you, that's the best thing in the world. So, you might want to think about both sides...I know it's hard because it makes me sick, especially since I KNOW she's flirted with him in the past, even while I was in front of him, but I'd rather not know anymore.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Does she leave messages? The ex will do the same kind of thing here. She'll call the house phone and get the machine then call Dh's cell phone because she wants an instant response. Dh has finally learned to let her leave a message. Then he'll call her back when he can. If she doesn't leave a message, then it wasn't important enough to call her back. However, she won't leave messages on the home answering machine because she thinks I might listen to it.'s my house too!!

When I first met Dh it was crazy! He had a work pager, a personal pager and a cell phone. He was at her beckon call. Pager's and cell phones were ringing at all hours and he was expected to call her back or answer her call immediately! After awhile of that, I convinced him that he didn't need a personal pager. He wasn't with her anymore and if there was an emergency she could leave a message. I think there was an emergency maybe 1 time in 9 years!

So, I agree. Some of the ex's will push and push unless Dh puts a stop to it.


happy mom's picture

i think to me it all boils down to dh. her actions will continue as long as he is answering her all the time. he allows it to happen. if you don't want him to, discuss it w/him and tell him to either tell ex to stop or just ignore her calls completely. i too would not be happy if that was happening to my family. i'm glad she doesn't bother my husband over anything else unless it is regarding ss. i would go nuts!

-happy mom

sacto_madre's picture

Tell me if I am evil - I just called the cell company and it is $175 to cancel the phone so I had the cell company activate call forwarding and forwarded all incoming calls to our house phone. Caller Id included. This sounds very bad doesnt it? Now if she wants to talk to him - she has to call home or his work. If she tries his cell - than it will show on our home phone. What she typically does is leave abrasive messages on his cell or work phone so for me to have some control and not have to pay the cancellation fee since it is in my name - I didnt see another option.

Cruella's picture

I see nothing wrong with using call forwarding to control your phone calls. I posted this before that BM tells the children that she calls our house and is never able to reach the children which is totally not true. As a mother I know if I couldnt' reach my children I would use all options available to me including calling BF cell phone to find out where the kids are. Even send an email if she in fact couldn't get a hold of the children. We got sick of her lying to the children so we obtained a software that tracks all incoming and outgoing calls. When we are not at home on the weekends we forward all calls to BF's cellphone (weekends are free) just so the children can get her calls. Since we started doing that BM has not called the children at all. It wasn't about reaching the children it was all about finding something to bitch about and sending DH back to court yet again. Nobody has been rude or has ever said anything to her that should make her feel uncomfortable calling regularly. She made this decision on her own. Keep in mind she lives out of the country so the kids calling her would be something we could not afford. She has phone visitation and there is no reason she couldn't call her children regularly.

OldTimer's picture

I honestly don't know if it's better or worse in my personal case.

See, when BM used to call here, harassing and just being a literal pain, yelling, etc. At least my DH has the balls to stand up to her, and she knows it. We make her talk to the machine too, so in that way, she just calls, leaves a message, if it's necessary to call her back, we do, otherwise, we don't worry about it.... however, it used to erk me the amount of phone calls she used to leave.

And, when circumstances changed, and it was getting very difficult to get a hold of my DH, I added him to my account. When BM got wind of his cell phone number, she called him on his cell phone, which he would just bounce her to voice mail. The calls stopped at home- to an extent and to be quite honest... it was NICE. At the time, we had an old answering machine, BIL living with us, and I just got sick and tired of having to listen to EVERYBODY else's messages, just to find out that I had none... thanks. And naturally, the sound of her voice just irritated the sh!t out of me as soon as it aired... I hit that fast forward button, but I could NEVER tell when she was 'finished'... I hated it.

So, the cell phone made things quite nice. Than I just couldn't afford it anymore, and I had to close the account. Since that time, however, BM has quited down A LOT in regards to the phone calls, but for a while there, it was constant, like a dozen times a day... it was quite annoying.

To me, I'd rather that DH just deals with the BM's, and if they call his cell, so be it. He's man enough to tell them where the sun don't shine, so I'm lucky that way.

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Cruella's picture

To a number like 1-800-666-bitch!!!!! LOL!

Realist's picture

He will learn over time that no amount of guilt he feels as a divorced parent is compensated for by taking BM's calls when ever iy suits her and for unnecessary reasons. He's making a rod for his own back. I would tell him your opinion and then drop it. He will come back to you at some time in the future and say "ya know, she's still calling and it's bugging me...." Think Homer Simpson sticking his finger in the power point again and again. Most men hate conflict and will just skirt the issue making out it's not a big deal. Tell him it bothers you and why. See what he does about it. I agree with Dawn. Get BM to leave a message and then determine whether it's worth calling back or not. She will eventually realise that she is not numero uno Smile

Georgie Girl's picture

Reading this last post reminded me of something. When Dh and I were first dating until shortly after we moved in together he used to always take bm's calls no matter what was going on at the time. My issue wasn't so much that she was calling him, but that we could be having a nice conversation or out together and he would drop everything and take the call. It made me feel like I did not matter as much as her. He thought by answering the call with me right there meant that he was not hiding anything from me. So, I asked him if he would not take her calls if we were spending one on one time together and to just let it go to voice mail. Of course if we were just sitting and watching tv or something that is different. Just this small change made a huge difference to me.