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Is she bitter? How do you get someone to compromise- need advice?

sacto_madre's picture

From EW BM to DH....what do you think of this? I have no idea what to do. The only thing that prompted this email were DF sending her an email suggesting an alternative co-parenting program offered by his health plan for $100 vs the program she wants to go to which is $175 per hour every week for 12 plus sessions. We pay over $980 per month for one child with 50% custody and $1800 per month spousal support. Who has what money? Definately not us. It pisses me off because her latest email was to allow extra time back to us on Weds provided we dont count the time we have SS in future litigation. Using her son to leverage parenting time.... Anyways, from the recent court mediation end of May - TH, and overnights on Sunday to Monday - which we have had SS since 2004 - were officially added to the parenting plan and it reduced her CS by $218 but she denied we had any additional time we had SS because she didnt want to lose any money.

I have only talked to this woman once and that was at SS baseball game two years ago - it was very brief hello's during the exchange of SS and havent spoken to her since - she calls DF on his cell phone and work phone or emails him directly. Any conversations that they have had prior to this week - were without my involvement - DF always keeps it to business but she drags on and on about how he has ruined her life and on and on about how he is going to take money away from her. Recently - she has been using her attorney to try and force us to go to co-parenting program on only dates that she is available and beleive me - she does not know the meaning of compromise. She works pt and gets off work early....which neither of us can do.

Let me know your thoughts? I have no idea how to get her to compromise on the co-parenting appt times which are now mandatory that we schedule. And from this email - it seems as though she thinks she is more important to us than she is and that may be why she harrasses DF.

Email from EW
Subject:

Just so you know my focus is not on what coparenting program is cost effective. Obviously it was not cost effective to get divorced or for me or you to pay probably at least $50,000 in combined attorney fees so far which could have been used for our sons college education, for me a new car, us to have nice vacations with our son, and many enriching things for him.

Cost effective is not what was created by your decisions to leave me and divorce me, and I am not about to let what amounts to a raindrop in coparenting fees compared to the total cost of all of the legal costs you have caused us to both to endure influence my decision on coparenting. You area already saving $225 or so in child support to me. You can still do the program and have plenty left over.

Have you tried reading the book they have online describing their program? It is very broad and informative and maybe would calm down yours and your girlfriends fears on what I believe must be your fears of messing up whatever boundaries you feel you have set up to keep me out of your lives.

You should read it in case you have not already learned that it has nothing to do with me and you and either of you thinking that it is some type of marriage counseling or that it opens the door for the other to think there is something to work on. It has nothing to do with our past relationship or me wanting you back but everything to do with our son and what is best for him by being able to communicate and make decisions for and about him and help him be the happiest, most well balanced boy that we can given the circumstances

Comments

Anne 8102's picture

My husband and his ex-wife had to do a co-parenting thing, too, but they didn't have to go together or even do the same one and the SM (me) and SF didn't have to attend. The courts provided a list of acceptable classes, providers, etc. and they each chose the one they wanted to do that worked best for them financially and schedule-wise. Then they submitted proof of completion to the court and it was a done deal. If they don't have to do it together, then he should do whichever one he wants to do, can afford and has the time for and she can do the same with her choice. The big question here is motive... why is she so adamant that he go with her to the program of her choice at dates/times convenient for her? If she were truly interested in the child, then she would be accommodating so that the child's father could participate. This makes me think her motives are maybe not so pure. Do you think she's angling for one-on-one time with DF? Whatever's going on in her head, I don't see you guys being successful in getting her to compromise, unless you can find a way to make her think she's getting what she wants. Like I said, if she were motivated by the child, she would compromise and not make DF jump through hoops.

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Persephone's picture

Her email is riddled with it.

There are many lines to analyze--for example--"...my decision on co parenting." This one is very telling-she doesn't get that it is OUR decision, that will make co parenting successful.

Her anger, jealousy, and control issues are going to interfere with co-parenting. To the point that does not matter which is chosen. I would suggest that she see her own therapist. Or the two of them sit down and discuss the anger, without that co-parenting will always be an aggravating competition and the child will be stuck in the middle.

In my world this is the single most reason that we have problems. Both DH and EX have anger and compete. Neither "parents" because the want to be the favorite and out of spite go against the other parent.. if not just for grins.

Nymh's picture

It is few and far between that I see an EW so obviously NOT OVER the EH. She just comes right out and says it! She's more preoccupied with complaining about the attorney fees and "what could have been" than actually SOLVING the problem!

I wish I could give you some advice in dealing with someone that is so self-centered and stuck in the past, but nothing we've ever done has helped us deal with SS's BM. The best we can try is to treat everything like a business transaction and not let her bait us into arguments or rehashing the past. What she wants most is closure, justification for her harsh feelings, she wants to make both of you miserable and point out all of your mistakes because she is ashamed of those that she has made. I think the best plan of action is to be distant and unemotional when dealing with her. She wants to bring up these things to try to get a rise out of your DH (or BF? SO?) and try to make him think of these feelings that she wishes he still has for her. The longer it is drawn out, the more she'll continue to try to relive the past. If he can find a way to be completely businesslike when dealing with her, hopefully she'll learn that she's getting nowhere and stop.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Imustbcrazy's picture

Used to pull the SAME crap~ telling DH that they HAD TO GO TOGETHER. DH called the court and asked himself and ended up being able to go at a different location. He had to drive an hour, but SO worth it to not have to sit in a classroom with HER for 8 hours. She used to DEMAND that he continued to pay HALF of everything (they had nothing joint) including HER credit card bills, HER rent, HER gas... everything. How was he supposed to move on and support himself? This was not a court order, it was for months after they separated. That is why he moved in with me so quickly after we started dating, he simply could not afford to suppot two households. They split everything 50/50 when they were married (all 6 months they were married) and she expected it to stay exactly like that after he left. GOT NEWS! When he found out that I refused to accept child support OR spousal support from my ex, he stopped paying her so much... BM and I worked for the same company.She had NO carpayment and her rent was less than 400 a month. If I could support myseld on my own with rent more than twice as much as hers, TWO kids, a car payment and NO help from my ex, she could do it too. My ex has the girls 50/50... he makes more than I do, but I am fine without his money. It would only mean that my girls would have less when they are with their dad, so why take money from him? We do well on our own and my EX is able to have a place on his own, the girls have their own rooms and he can spoil them just as much as I do. Plus it keeps things civil between the EX and I. We just split the general expenses 50/50. It has worked well thus far.

Anyways, your BM is still in love with your husband. Sorry to be so blunt but she may as well have sealed her email with a KISS xoxoxo. He needs to call and find out if there are other alternatives available like Anne said.

Good luck!

Daddys Gurl-

Life is as sweet as you sweeten it.

lmdavi0's picture

my bb is still after dh as well, except they were never married. it's been eight long years and she is currently stuck on this 'we have to go to counseling together' kick as well. i will have to remember this stuff about not having to go together, just having to go. that would be fine but why would someone insist on doing it together if not for wanting to 'be together.' you know? these poor women. they really should just get over it.

Imustbcrazy's picture

Attach a note that says "just something to help you GET OVER IT".

Daddys Gurl-

Life is as sweet as you sweeten it.

Gwen's picture

Lemony snickets! that note would get me p.o.-ed

In my world the ex isn't romantically after DH but she is still after the CONTROL. After nearly a year on this site and other research and observation, it seems to me that a large portion of BMs (who are not quite in the obviously crazy nutball category) use the co-parenting thing to cover a broad category of interaction that is really about maintaining Control rather than appropriate co-parenting after divorce. But they rationalize it and as in this note get all up on their soapbox about it "in the name of the kids".

You who know me know I bend over backwards for the best interests of my skids, love them dearly, respect BMs role as their mom, and support a civil/cordial co-parenting relationship betw. DH and BM, so no flaming please. I am talking about BMs who justify every intrusion in the name of co-parenting (which mine would if given the chance) and It. Just. Ain't. So.

Mocha2001's picture

Yes, she is very bitter ... it's sad that she's using child against dad, but that happens so often. She's also jealous that he's happy with you.

~ Katrina