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Custody Mediation Report - Surprises non bio child

sacto_madre's picture

#1 is there anyone on line that is a step mom to be?
#2 how do you deal with a child who still wants mom and dad to be together and hasnt dealt with the divorce
#3 how do you deal with a bio mom who is hell bent on ruining relationships with the step son

Any advice?????

Comments

Cruella's picture

Love both parents and it is natural to want their parents together. I didn't come into relationship with skids trying to be their Mother however I did let it be known off the bat that I don't put up with much.

Most of us on this site had to deal with a vindictive BM. I don't deal with her AT ALL. I leave my husband that pleasant job. I don't let BM dictate what we do. The BF needs to be strong and stand up to BM for the relationship to work.

Sebbie's picture

NCP should have rights too! The best service you can do for stbh child is to let him/her know immediatly that you have no intentions of replacing the mother, you only want to be their friend. Even with that information the child will still show adversity towards you until the words you have spoken show to be true in your actions.Each child heals from the divorce of their parents in different ways and in different time spans. Most of the children's healing has alot to do with both biological parents promoting that healing, however, when you have vindictive BM who either wants her ex back or just wants to make life miserable for her ex and the new woman with him...(which is more often than not the case, as most of us can attest to here) the healing of the child is going to be that much harder for DH, YOU AND THE CHILD, because alot of BM see's only vengence, they will use that child to get to DH and you anyway she can with no regard to what she is doing to the child.The child becomes the ultimate weapon...and you must recognize this in order to not blame the child(esp. if the child is young)As for dealing with the BM...Again I agree with Cruella, Leave that for your soon to be husband.It is his job to make it clear to the ex that their relationship is over, he has moved on and is happy in his life and will not tolerate the ex's interference any longer. In my life, my husband had to get to the point where he allowed no communication from his ex to even come into our home...He constantly insisted that she only speak with him regarding their son. Of course this only works so far as well...( the bm will find a way around anything..omg) The point being, its his job to stand up to the ex for himself, his child and you....The hardest thing for your soon to be husband to do is break the one thing the BM still wants...absolute control....it wont be easy, its a very long road to walk...but you must be a combined front when it comes to the BM in order to set a foundation for a healthy relationship between you, stbh and stbschild.

sacto_madre's picture

We have been together three years - engaged for two. BF just went through custody mediation because he wanted to formalize the informal visitation arrangement. Immediately the BM who receives a heft ss and cs - 1800$ - started working on the son saying it was all about money. When it came closer to BS having to visit the mediator I encouraged him to be truthful and open with the mediator about what he wanted. We are speaking of a child who constantly hounds me for attention and I play his video games with him, talk, everything that I do for my own girls. Then the mediation report came back the day before court on Wed. and he told the mediator that he absolutely does not want to share his time with his father with the SM. There were other hurtful implications in the report but it all centered around me and my time with his father. We cohabitate - dont do the thinks we want when BS is here because he does not like mountain biking, riding bikes, anything that has to do with physical activity. Never met a boy like that - and he is emotional when he does do anything. We take him snowboarding and he cries when he and his go together without me. Says his finger hurts or something. My girls are tough and never acted like that - both very athletic. I have a hard time adapting to his constant whine for attention but I am patient with him because I feel for how his mother treats him like he is her mate. I dont know what to do, but when I read the mediatoin report - I was hurt - then became very angry. After 3 years - I wonder how much of the time he is faking his like of him and it has escalated in the past two days that now my fiance and I are talking of splitting up.....By the way, the mother lied in the proceedings and got to keep the ss and the cs was only modified slightly. The Fiance has split the time with the BM over 50% and as a result of the mediation - he got time taken away - but it is still more than what was ordered 4 years ago. I am hurting about this - and not sure where to turn - re relationship with fiance and his son.