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It never ends, does it?

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Thu, 09/07/2006 - 10:34am

I am so glad I found this sight. I do find comfort in the fact that I am not alone.

Some history, my BF and I have been together for 5 years and he has a 13 year old daughter by his ex-GF. His ex-GF intentionally got pregnant to try to force him to marry her, so there is a lot of bitterness on both sides.

I had never dated anyone who had children before we met and none of my girlfriend's had either, so I really didn't know what I was getting myself into.

His daughter and ex-GF have caused nothing but problems in our relationship. His daughter is the reason we are not married yet. After reading many of the blogs here I realize it really never ends, does it. I kept telling myself, one day she will be 18 and on her own and maybe we will have a little peace and can move on with our lives, but I'm beginning to realize that will never happen. So, what do you do? I love him very much, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with his daughter and ex-GF causing constant chaos in our lives.

Comments

skye22's picture

Submitted by skye22 on Thu, 09/07/2006 - 12:00pm

I understand where you are coming from. When I first married my husband my ideas of how it would be vs. reality didn't match up. Yes, at times it has been hell. But I really just try and focus on us. Our marriage and our son. Becasue when I try and understand the ex or at times my stepsons behavior, it makes me crazy. It's kind of sad to say but I have over the year sort of adopted the attitude of indifference concerning that situation. I do not let that situation make or break my day. My best advice for you is to decided how you are going to deal with the issue. If its too much the its best for you to make that decison sooner than later. It takes a strong person to be under the type of circumstances that stepparenting involve. But I would say that if you really love this man, make him your priority and let the peieces of his past fall where they may. From my own experience the ex was happy when she could put a wedge between us, and a lot of times she used her own child as that pawn. I was angry at her, at my husband and their child. And I came to the point that you are at now. Good luck, you have a lot to think about.

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 09/07/2006 - 12:05pm

I would seriously sit down and think about WHAT YOU WANT? I am not trying to get you to run. BUt that is a very good question.. Can you handle the pressures and problems that come with having SK? You do not have any children of your own I take it? I say be as honest as you can with this man. Let him know where you come from how you feel. The EX-GF is just that.. The ex. She is bitter and spiteful because you have what she cannot have..
But seriously take a step back and analyze your future.. Because by reading all of our blogs you will find on a daily basis it is a struggle. And I have my own children.. I have SK too.. And I married there father for him and its still hard..
My mom always told us that kids can and will cause a lot of problems in any relationship. And to be honest I do not know how her BF thru out my childhood made it thru some of it.. Not that we were all that bad but just the stress of kids when you do not have any of your own.. You know.. Very hard..
Wish you the best..

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Thu, 09/07/2006 - 12:32pm

No Happy you are right I do not have any children of my own, but I would love to get married and have one.

When my BF and I got together we were heading in that direction until his daughter started causing trouble between us. I don't think he feels I would make a good mother because I don't (in his words) love his daughter like she was my own.

I don't think I could ever love his daughter like she was my own child. I am working past some resentment toward her because we would be married and I might have my own child if it wasn't for her causing such a wedge between us.

His daughter and I got along good the first year we were together. I honestly think that was because she didn't think it would last and eventually Mommy and Daddy would get back together. Then the second year we were still pretty good with some bumps in the road. But by the third year it was just terrible.

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 09/07/2006 - 12:51pm

But I can tell you that she is a teenager and a lot of that is teenage stuff..
I know my daughter is 10 and has no problem with any of my relationships I had and especially when she met my husband.. But now her father is dating again after 7 years of being divorced, and my daughter is having a hard time. She says she does not like her and I asked her why.. Her response was she is taking my dad away from me. Which I know how hard it is to be iwth someone you love and spread yourself around to all.. Its hard.
I think that her mom may be influencing her a lot.. And you are not a horrible person..YOU may be an awesome mom.. Your husband has no idea what its like to love a child that is not his because he is not in the situation.. I can tell you right now I love my SK but do I love them as they were my own.. NO and do you know why, because 1. they are not mine and 2. if they were I would not be putting up with the crap I do.. So yes it is very hard to love there children as your own.. also they do not want you to love them as there own.. they have parents... and feel like you are just interferring or whatever.. Have you ever tried to sit and talk to her one on one.. Let her get to know you for you and you get to know her for her.. I am not a perfect parent and really could head my own advice but its one of those things.. You are a good person and will be a terrific parent.. Whether he thinks so or not.. I would first try to open up to her and let her see that you are not a monster.. SHe may look at you like you are taking her dad and you may look at her like she is her mother.. Hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.. If anything this site will help you at least vent to people who understand.. And it really does help..

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Thu, 09/07/2006 - 1:48pm

and you can look at my other blog if you need more information as to why. Also, I really have no desire. I know that sounds just awful, but it's true. Actually, when she is around I usually try not to be there.

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Thu, 09/07/2006 - 1:57pm

That is a tough one! The fact that you feel this way about his daughter in the beginning…you two have not married yet and you already avoid being around her…I don’t know how I would feel if I didn’t get along with the girls…the problems we have are rarely about the kids so much as they are about the mothers…but I would say that if you are having that feeling in the beginning that is definitely something to contemplate b/c she is still young and the reality that we are all faced with as stepmoms is that AT ANY MOMENT we could be called upon to be the residential household for our SK’s (due to any number of circumstances beyond anyone’s control i.e. neglect/abuse or death of the bioparent…hate to think about it but it is something to think about…..)…how you would feel if that happened, if she had to move in with you and your BF full time…do you think you would be up for the challenge? Things to ponder…..

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