I am so incredibly relieved to find this site. I was randomly googling for advice (some of which is terrible) on my growing resentment in my CLH's two adoptive boys, and I stumbled upon a rant here that I could have written myself. Scrolling down to the responses, I was half certain I would find the parade of people saying "Children come first! You shouldn't have gotten involved if you knew he had kids!" or "His kids come first!" Two pieces of advice that make me see red. Instead, I saw supportive comments from other step parents. What an oasis in a desert.

So here is the source of my ulcer:

I met my CLH 2 years ago. At that time I thought I'd hit the jackpot because he was such an altruistic man. Turns out, he had an ex-gf who was a wingnut (shock) who had 2 babies. He met the 2 babies when they were 2 and 1. Their mother was so unfit, he ended up pretty much raising them alone for about 6 years on and off til they broke up. After they broke up, she got together with some horrible boyfriends and the two children continued to seek my CLH's company. They are now 12 and 11.

I have 2 daughters, 19 and 12 who have no contact with their dad (well, no meaningful contact anyway.)

At first everything was great. But then....cue drumroll....we bought a house together and now I'm always angry!

It started off with my DH teasing of my 12 year old daughter. For some reason she became the butt of all the jokes, but as time went on, my DH has stopped speaking to her in any tone other than "joking/teasing/bullying". He does it to the point that she cries some times. He always claims it's because he loves her, and hence, loves to tease her. I know there is some truth to this, but it really bothers me that there is no time made for respectful, calm, serious communication. It's really wearing me (and her) out.

Then, his ex-gf the wingnut bought the boys a dog. Then realized dogs are responsibility. So, now he is responsible for his 2 ex-gf's sons, and their dog.
At first, the boys were always with us and we got along. Them and my daughter bonded. They seemed to like me. So we bought a house to allow space for them to have their own room.
But - their mom got a new boyfriend who had kids.
Poof.

The boys vanished. When they re-appear (only for money or to be entertained, after which time they swiftly demand to 'go home') they bring their wingnut mother's new bf's son along.
Counting? My house is accumulating his ex-gf's responsbilities at an increasing rate.

So, I have come to see that the one boy does seem to care for my DH (though only occasionally calls him Dad) while the other seems to hate him and wants only money and entertainment. When his demands are not met, he hides in a closet and cries to go home.

My DH seems to think this is normal.

They are so spoiled it makes me irate. All the teasing and joking is not allowed with those boys. It is one-sided, reserved only for my daughter. The other day when they refused (again, like for over two months straight) to sleep over at our house, I said perhaps they didn't need to have the largest room if they were not going to use it, and that my college age daughter could use it since she needs to buy a desk and bookshelf, and spends most of her time in her tiny bedroom. I further said, maybe all they needed was the tiny room if they were not going to be sleeping over much, and that they should really consider spending some time with us and enjoying the big, nicely decorated room that we have set up for them.

Response?

They went crying to my DH that I was mean, and he barrelled into the bathroom while I was in the tub and launched a seething tirade at me that I was horrible and mean and needed to apologize immediately, and how dare I, etc. He seemed to hate me, and I could see that when it comes to HIS boys (not his boys but whatever) there is no such thing as criticism. That is reserved for MY daughter I guess.

What bothers me is that the wingnut mother phones him and screams expletives in his ear, demands money, dumps the boys (dogs, other kids) on our doorstep when it's convenient, and they disappear when they are occupied. The boys have gone BALLISTIC after not 'getting' what they want (one day we cancelled an outing because my DH injured himself at work. The younger child - a psychopath I'm convinced is going to be dangerous one day - called and screamed "IF WE'RE NOT GOING ON THAT TRIP I'M NOT COMING OVER!!!!WHAT IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND (me) DOING, HUH? JUST SITTING AROUND ON HER ASS SINCE SHE GOT HOME FROM WORK? WHY CAN'T SHE TAKE US?" yeah, that's real normal. All the while my DH is apolgetic!

Disgusting.

My feeling now is that for some fucked up reason, he feels like he's invested so much time with the boys he "deserves" their love, and is terrified of the truth: All those years spent pouring all his time, love and money don't mean shit to some kids. biological or not. These kids just don't care too much, and only want whats convenient and lucrative.

In the mean time, my daughter adores my DH and would love just to have a conversation, or a walk, or time alone for ice cream with my DH. Instead, he's preoccupied jumping through the hoops that his psycho ex girlfriend has set up for him to jump through for the betterment of her and her two brats.

Did I mention she was a stripper and prostitute and the boys are the product of her pimp? Yeah. Tugged at my heartstrings until I realized what a relentless bitch she was. Not a World-Vision info-mercial, like it may seem. It's more of a nightmare.

I am so fed up with our family hinging on the ups and downs of his ex-gfs agenda I am ready to leave him.

He wants to have children with me. I adore him, absolutely and totally. If it weren't for his attachment to his past, I could. But I just can't shake the resentful certainty that he will ALWAYS put her two boys, who don't even love him like he loves them, ahead of me and my daughters. Furthermore, he will always take their side over mine, and they will always be the 'untouchables' when it comes to criticism.

I am beginning to hate my life. Sometimes I hate him.