AAAH!! I am starting to feel physcially irate....
So. I just need to vent. I am scaring myself with how ANGRY I am.
I notice that the more time goes on, the more secretly cynical and hateful I've become.
Briefly: My CLH has stayed in touch with his ex-gf's two sons - age 12/11. He basically acts like their dad, but they don't treat him like one - or if they do, it's only when they want something. He acts as their financial benefactor, chauffeur, big brother and also hosts their every desire as far as taking them places etc. These are things he HONESTLY does not have the motivation to do with me and my two girls.
They have a bedroom in our house now, and use it to host their get togethers with friends. This means, once a week or so, they bring over whatever friend they want to entertain, storm into my home with their friends at their leisure, make noise, rile up the dogs, eat all our food, mouth off, yell and scream, leave their fucking dishes everywhere and go home.
My CLH Smiles and feels just SOOOOO good about himself after these visits. I can see the "Gosh I'm such a good dad" look on his face.
So sitting in my room last night because the two boys decided to bring along their wing-nut mother's nephew (their inbred retarded cousin.) So my house is full of her ignored responsibilities, screaming, stomping around and riling up the dogs. (Did I mention the dog was her former ignored responsibility too?? don't get me started.)
My room is my oasis. It's where I can go and not be around them. They come in while i'm in my pajamas in my bed on the phone and just start talking and poking at stuff, all THREE of them. My CLH was in the bed with me so they were talking to him, but really??? The stooge cousin starts poking at stuff on my dresser, standing next to some dirty laundry I've put in a pile to wash with my underwear and everything...and I just wanted to FUCKING SCREAM.
Instead I calmly asked them to leave and my CLH just sat there and did nothing.
I guess I'm writing this to vent because I feel so bloody angry.
I am getting to the point where I FUCKING HATE these kids. I feel horrible. I feel like a bad person. I know their mom is a stupid cunt and it's not their fault, but I just DON'T want them in my fucking house. Why on God's earth do I have to put up with her fucking kids after I've worked all day????
Can't she look after her own kids???? Why does she have to bother her ex boyfriend (my husband) to take care of HER kids??
He's just "so nice" he can't say no. I want to punch him. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate and just attack everyone.
WTF?!? Have these kids
WTF?!? Have these kids always been around like this since you've been together or has she just been sending them over since you got married?
He dated their mom for a
He dated their mom for a couple years on and off when the 2 kids were babies. They broke up for good 6 years ago and he has taken it upon himself to visit with them on a regular basis.
He sees himself as their dad. I am convinced the feeling is NOT mutual and they have been trained to be selfish little opportunists like their scumbag, former stripper/hooker, scraggly, trash mother.
Now that we've moved in to our house I see this is a sham.
He has no idea what being a dad is. He is being used and manipulated and seems to love every minute of it.
I hadn't realized how much he really felt like their dad when we lived apart.
I also hadn't realized how hot and cold the kids are to him (wanting to be with him one minute, disappearing for months the next minute.)
I had not seen for myself how they just make demands of him and he does whatever they want.
I don't know why he does this, I suppose he loves them, but WHY????
They have a (shitty) father already. They and their stupid shithead mother are NOT my fucking problem.
I don't understand why he can't realize it's inappropriate with me in his life and just STOP this madness.
I have fantasies of leaving him and saying "ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW?" Honestly - I feel now as though he would choose those two kids over me any day.
I think he is an asshole and a blind idiot for that, but maybe it's the only way he can justify being their fucking patsy for 5 years....
I don't know what to do.
I am going to lose it and they are going to suffer - even though it's him and their mother that are the real problem.
When they are not around I feel fine. I feel like our relationship is totally perfect - when THEY ARE NOT AROUND.
You hate these kids, you hate
You hate these kids, you hate their mom, but the man you married, the man who is supposed to honour you, put you above all others, sits back and allows this disrespect to continue n your home. He allows 3 young men who are of no blood relation to you or him to enter your bedroom and touch your things. He actually sat there and did nothing about that. He allows these non related boys access to your home, your food and allows them to trash your home and leave a mess, no matter how much all this upsets you. But you hate them and their mother, but what, you love him.
Yes their mother probably could take care of her responsibilities if she felt like it, as could their father. But why should they,, your husband is more than happy to do it for them. It makes him feel good. . Your anger is very much misplaced here, very much misplaced.
Your relationship is not totally perfect at any time, not even when they are not there. This man is disrespecting you. Sure when he doesn't have his friends over he has more time for you and it feels better to you. But as soon as his friends come back , you get dumped every single time. HE does that to you, not them. But worse than anything, you allow it. You take this over and over again. Your words tell him you don't like it, your actions say you do. Because if you really didn't like it, you would have put them out yourself a long time ago and him too. That's how he sees it as well.
You need to stand up for yourself. Yes, you may even have to leave him. But if you don't stop blaming everyone but the two people really responsible for this mess, him for allowing it and you for putting up with it, you will never change it.
I have a couple things to
I have a couple things to take away from this. Thank you, btw.
1) They are not allowed in our room. EVER EVER EVER.
2) I will NOT pick up after them.
3) I will make no apologies for my lack of bonding and I will not pretend to try. I have gotten them token b-day gifts only to discover how materialistic, selfish and unappreciative they are. Fuck them.
4) If he asks me about my lack of interest/attachment/involvement, I will simply tell him I have no understanding of why he carries on with a couple kids that are not his own, but it's his choice. I however, choose to abstain and I deserve to have peace and calm in my home. I do not intend to compromise my privacy OR resources for his "hobby."
What he does in his spare time is his business. I will tell him I do not intend to make it my business. I will NEVER commend him for such a misguided act. Even at the moment, I never bring those kids up.
He has failed to take an active interest in my kids and they LIVE with him.
In the next several years, I foresee these kids becoming young adults and calling him to bail them out of jail, help them deal with their knocked-up girlfriends or give them money. I will simply say "I told you so" but I refuse any and all involvement. He will be very angry at this and I don't give a shit.
I am going to take the wait and seethe approach. If after one year I am going insane, I will demand my exit - we will sell the house and go our separate ways, with NO apologies as to why.
I'm certain he would see that as my shockingly insensitive inability to 'bond with his children'. So be it.
I will tell him straight up that he has an unhealthy attachment to a bunch of parasites and that his choice places him in a life that does not include me - because it is one or the other. He will choose to chase and fund these ill-gotten spawn through their (very dismal) futures or he can choose to join me in our future.
If he chooses the former, well - I'll be convinced he is in fact mentally ill and will not take it personally. I will be very happy to find a man that doesn't need to chase his ex-girlfriends children around because he thinks "he's their daddy"
Wow! I am shocked that your
Wow! I am shocked that your BF is keeping in contact with non biological kids. Yes, it looks good on him. But he needs to stop inviting them over, he has no obligation to them whatsoever. Perhaps you can suggest he take them to the movies once a month,to keep up the contact. But to invite them over? especially if they arent even his and they have a room, I dont know it seems too nice, were him and their mom ever married?
You seem like a really nice person putting up with this, but please do yourself a favour and your sanity and talk to your BF about this!
This needs to be addressed to him, because trust me the longer you wait the more insane you'll get (in time, I am sure they would most likely lose contact anyways). Get their mother to watch them!
Also, I REALLY HOPE that your BF is also not paying CS for them, I know they're are wacky laws like that, in Canada anyways. A non biological father can be responsible for supporting children, common law or married.
Sweetheart, do you really
Sweetheart, do you really want to take the wait and see approach when you could have the answer you need to this today.
I understand more than you know how scary standing up for yourself and calling an end to their bullshit is. I had to do it. I had to tell my husband the party was over, and this was in regards to his own biological spawn of Satan daughter. His only girl, his youngest baby. Mind you the cow was 28 and full of hate for him as we'll as me. Like these boys she had no interest in dh other than for what she could get, but he refused to acknowledge that. He saw her using him as loving him. She had him rapt around her little finger. It started off bad, I loved my dh more than I can say, he was the love of my life, my soul mate. Initially I put up with her shit for him, I loved him, I wanted him to be happy and if she made him happy, well I sucked up her abuse. Then after about a year (they had been estranged when we married), she started to show her viciousness towards him. Aroundb18 months to two years I started to defend him against her. Saying things like, that's not true when she accused her father of something, or the time when she asked fior his retirement funds saying you owe it to me, what did I get out of your divorce. It was me who pointed out, EVERYTHING went to your mother. The divorce was between your parents and their asserts were supposed to be split 50/50 given you were all adults, but he walked away in the clothes he was wearing and your mum got the lot. The lot being 3 new cars and the marital home all of which were fully paid for as well as everything in it. He also stayed with family and was fully supported by them while he handed over the next 3 months wages after he left. She fired up like a hell cat. When she left my husband defended her, said, she was just upset and mac and I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING. not her, he had nothing to say about her cheek, about her wanting his retirement funds, no, he was mad as hell because I upset her.
It took me another 8 years of puting up with his supporting her (by never pulling her into line, and defending her), 8 years of her humiliating him and me, ignoring and isolating me and being outright rude. Finally at 28, she played her trump card, she got pregnant. I went to the hospital at my husbands insistence, the little bitch, refused to accept a gift from my hand, in fact as I offered it she turned her head and stared at her mattress. The room was full of family on her boyfriends side and my husbands and I was the only one she treated like that.
When we left the hospital I told my husband no more. I was done with her. Long story. But this finished up with my husband wanting me to put up with more from her. When I finally said no. I would not go to her home to be abused and isolated by her anymore, he rang her boyfriend and tells him I won't go there because of her. Boyfriend tells dh well nothing is going to change your wife will never be part of the family, and if you want to see your granddaughter you will have to leave your wife. Now, dh didn't leave, his daughter involved my father in law, Italian FIL tells her she can come to my home whenever she likes and ignore me, she did. I banned her there and then and finally told dh, who, even after all that was actually glad she had come to see him, he could pack his shit and go with her. 8 years of this was enough.
Truth is 8 years of hell was too much and I should have done that the first time she was blatantly rude to me and her father failed to deal with it.
I didn't, first because I loved him, then because we'd fight every time her name came up and I wanted to avoid the fight, then because I was scared he would leave. You see what had ultimately happened was after putting up with it for so long my self esteem was completely gone, I has lost my confidence and I suddenly realised, I was actually living in fear. Fear if I expressed my feelings he would leave.
He didn't leave when I told him to. That was two years ago. He is in therapy now. But a lot of unnecessary damage has been done. Now you could blame her because she was a spoilt, over indulged narcissistic brat with an over inflated sense of entitlement. You could blame dh for raising her that way and for doing absolutely nothing about her bullying abusive behaviour towards his wife and himself, therefore condoning and encouraging it. Or you could put the blame fair and square where it belongs. On me, I was too in love, to scared and to insecure to stop it. The day I finally realised his treatment of me wasn't love, that his daughter would always come first, was the day I realised I had nothing to lose. That was the day I told her she was never to come here again, and dh to go with her. He stayed, she has not been in our lives for 2 years now. But the longer I left it because I thought he would choose her, the harder it got. I was literally at breaking point before I did it. I was a physical, mental and emotional wreck. That is what is ahead of you, it's not fair to you, but especially not fair to your kids. I urge you please don't wait and see. Don't do that to yourself. Do not give him this power over you. Find out now where you stand in his life, because the longer you leave it, the more years you have invested, the more excuses you will make for not leaving, the more physical and mental health issues you will bring on yourself. This gets so much worse the longer it goes on. Please listen to me.