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Sarahrandal's picture

Ok, my husband and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for 3 years. I have a 6 year old daughter, and my husband has a 9 year old son. My problem is that I really can't stand my stepson. He is such a brat. If we are going to do something that he doesn't want to do, he will throw a fit, like a toddler having a temper tantrum, and ruin it for everyone involved. If he is told to do something he doesn't want to do, he screams and yells and says hateful, hurtful things. I say he is 9 going on 3. My 6 year old is more well behaved then his 9 year old. I have friends, who are "kid people" (I am not a "kid person"), who can't stand my stepson. Some of my friends will not come over, or have us over, when he is with us. He is embarrassing to take out in public because of his hissy fits. My question is, what do I do? The kid knows that I don't really care for him, I'm not mean, or rude or anything, I'm just not really "buddy buddy" with him. I haven't said anything about my feelings to my husband, because I'm not sure how to address it with him. His ex, the biological mother, is a very difficult person to deal with, has 3 children with 3 different men, screams at curses at her children, and is extremely vindictive, so I don't feel comfortable disciplining my stepson because of her. I also think his behavior problems are a combination of her actions and my husbands over compensating for her actions by being his son's friend (yes, I've told him that he should stop that, and he is getting better). What do I do? Grin and bear it for the next 9 years until he is out of the house? How do I tell my husband that I think his son is a brat? Help!!

ChiefGrownup's picture

When you figure it out, let me know. Sounds exactly like my SD. She is now 17 and has gathered a beautiful collection of Fs in High School precisely because, if you ask me, she never learned she had to respect authority and had to do things she doesn't want to do.

She's still a nightmare.

Do tell me what you figure out.

BTW, married 4 years, together for 5. 2 skids, one is a joy the other is her.

Maxwell09's picture

Maybe at nine you could try being upfront with the little boy about his behavior. "Tom if you misbehave while we are out we will come straight home and you will go straight to bed" Even my five year SS gets this. Say before you leave to go anywhere, recite the standard set of social rules: Remember Tom, we use our inside voices, we say please and thank you or we are ignored, share with friends, etc" Me and my SS rehearse the same set of rules every single morning in carpool for school "we do not touch our friends, we do not pretend ninja at school, my teacher is the boss, inside voices and inside feet, if I don't know if can do something I need to ask first to make sure it's okay so I don't move my clip" It's been our mantra that we tweak each week giving or taking bases on previously days behavior issues. Now I'm not saying y'all need to cover everything just find three big rules for being out or together and have him repeat it to you. When he breaks the rule, follow through and nix your plans and go home to send him to bed. Leave his dad with him and go back to what you were doing. He won't stop until he realizes there is a reaction for every action. Talk to your DH about it, get him on board. I know many here advise against getting involved but my advice is from my perspective about what has worked best in our house. Playing in his room for the rest of the day is never a die hard punishment for SS but he craves constant attention so eventually he figures out how to behave so he can come back into shared space for attention.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Wish I had better news, but given you husband's parenting style, when they leave the house they only have adult tantrums.

Acratopotes's picture

Parent your boyfrined not his kid - he's the problem cause he allows the kid to act this way...

My SO did the same thing and never listened to me, well I moved out - after 4 years of suffering his finally parenting his brat - sort off it's actually to late I have 12 months left of 12 years

CLove's picture

Wow, and guess what - if you say nothing it WILL only get worse, not better. Better to have the talk with DH, let him know you are disengaging due to the SS behavior, and then let DH do the parenting. You can try to do "parent-like" activities mentioned above, but you are not the parent. It took me forever to learn this. Sometimes I forget, like when I have started requiring SD10 to wash her own dishes, and teach her what to do. Or when I tell SD17 don't let the dog jump on you.

The brattiness will NEVER go away, unless your DH does something about it. Time for the heart-to-heart.