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Buddy-Buddy w/ BM?

Dogmom1321's picture

Some of you might have seen on my last post that SD10 did ZERO online homework the last week she was at BMs. And BM supposedly "didn't realize it" until Friday afternoon before the exchange. 

DH is signed up for the Canvas Parent App and gets notifications about missing work, etc. He texts BM today "What is up with ____? Why did no school work get submitted yesterday?"

BM goes on a rant about how hard it is for her to monitor her child's school work and "the website is just hard." DH is tired of being the middle man so sent her the directions on how to sign up for the App. Same exact thing the teacher has emailed out. After BM is done with her rant, she sends DH a YouTube video (wtf?) of a comedian that she thinks looks like him? And goes "Omg, it's YOU!" 

Can't make this up you guys! BM isn't concerned with school, but should DH stop picking up the slack for her now? BM AND SD are capable, they just choose to not prioritize education. Also, DH didn't respond to the weird "you look like this person" video/text. DH and I agreed she must be on one of her "uppers" and is trying to be "buddy buddy" again. This usually comes and goes every 6 months or so. I'm sure she also doesn't want to sign up for the Canvas notifications, because that means she wouldn't hear from DH about school *eyeroll* anything to keep the text thread going. Lol, even youtube videos!


lieutenant_dad's picture

Does SD10 have a phone? Or email address? I'd skip BM entirely and go straight to SD. I'd also talk to the teacher and find out if they have any suggestions (or, just tell the teacher not to be flexible with SD because she's purposefully doing this and doesn't need any extensions). Perhaps SD failing and being held back, along with consequences from DH, will get it across that she needs to focus. And it might be worthwhile for him to look into contacting an attorney to see what legal recourse he may have.

Dogmom1321's picture

Yes, SD10 has a phone but is not allowed to call/text DH or myself with it "because Mom pays for it so she gets to decide" *according to SD10. Total powerplay by a narcissistic BM.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then I'd play the stupid game BM is playing and get her a tracfone for $20 a month just for school. Education is too important.

tog redux's picture

This was how it was for my DH. BM pretended to care about school, but SS didn't do his work at her home, and she didn't make him.  DH tried to pick up the slack, but after one weekend that he spent the entire time trying to make SS complete a project that he had weeks to do at BM's, he stopped doing that.  You can't make up for the other parent's failures.

Needless to say, my SS did terribly in school and now, at 20, he's doing nothing with his life.

Dogmom1321's picture

Sad to say, but I can already see the writing on the wall. SD says she doesn't want to go to college or finish HS and wishes she "could go back to 4th grade" because it was easier. DH acknowledges her laziness. I've never seen anything like it. The lack of caring and motivation is UNREAL! 

tog redux's picture

My SS had grand dreams of being an engineer despite failing math. He did graduate because he was in a special program that held his hand and pushed him through, and he went to community college for one year, then dropped out.

He had zero motivation for school, which DH understood because he too hated school. But DH had motivation for other things, and SS20 seems to have little motivation for anything except gaming.

strugglingSM's picture

We had the exact same experience. BM claims to be a "good mother" who cares about education, but nearly six years of observation on my part shows otherwise. One SS has never done homework. BM always tried to convince DH that she "had an agreement" with the special ed teacher that SS didn't need to do all the homework, but he still got marked down, so I don't think that was an actual agreement. Anytime BM had a conflict with a teacher or thought the teacher was expecting too much of one SS or the other, she would just go in and cry to the counselor and get them moved to a different class or have the class dropped entirely.

In fifth grade, DH tried to support SSs in doing their homework by calling them every day and working on it over the phone, which usually involved looking at a texted picture of the assignment and working through problems that way. That was the only semester that both SSs consistently turned in homework. BM pitched a fit and said DH was "disrupting" her time. Then enmeshed SS (the one who never does anything) would refuse to talk to DH because he was "going to work on homework with mom" only to call us hours later because BM either couldn't or wouldn't work on it. 

Both kids have IEPs, but they are vague and not likely to meet any needs. The actual needs are also unidentified. I work in education. I am not a special ed expert, but from my limited experience, neither SS is receiving accommodations or supports that will help them, they are just being put in the "resource room" where they seem to stagnate below grade level. When schooling went "remote" in March, both SSs stopped participating at all. There was no excuse, they have internet access and have parents working at home. They didn't even join the session the special ed teacher in middle school set up to connect them with the special ed teacher in high school. I asked them about remote school once and they told me "we don't have to do it. It's all just review." I just said, "I don't think that's true" and left it at that. In the past, I've been accused by BM of "making them feel bad" and even causing OCD in one SS because I've made him feel so anxious about school.

DH did not have a positive school experience himself, so he's largely checked out at this point because it's triggering for him. I, as the stepmother, have also checked out because a) it's triggering for me because working hard and valuing education are two of my values and it's difficult for me to have to deal with children who don't share those values; b) I can't put more care and effort into education for these kids than their parents.

School has started remotely out here. I've looked at SSs schedules and based on their level of competence, their schedules are two difficult for them, but I know BM a) has not looked at the schedules and b) would not be able to assess the difficulty of those schedules even if she had looked at them, so I'm sure if and when they decide to engage in school work, that one or both of them will reshuffle their schedules mid-year. I know BM hasn't logged on because one SS still owes $120 in school fines for last year. Strangely enough, someone added a random amount of money to their food services accounts ($10.67 for one and $10.68 for the other) last week even though school is remote, so neither kid is buying any food at school. 

Our state requires 24 credits to graduate and students at SSs school only take 6 credits per year, so there is no wiggle room for them to fail or drop any classes. My only hope right now is that they graduate on time, because I need DH's legal obligations to BM to end and right now that will happen when they "turn 18 or graduate". They will turn 18 a month before they are scheduled to graduate. 

Harry's picture

Why spend the weekend doing homework with SD. When she is not going to do any work during the week.  Why wast your time, fun time , to do this.

SD will never do anything unless she wants to.  Disengage from all of this 

Dogmom1321's picture

UPDATE: BM called DH again yesterday. Asked "Do you think we can put SD back in 4th grade? 5th grade is just hard for her."

WTF!? 1. That's not how grade promotions work. 2. DH had the conversation with SD that just because something is hard, doesn't mean that you go looking for an easier way. It means you try harder and practice more!

Wow, I guess SD didn't like his response so BM said "she'd try talking to him." I mean how much more lazy can SD and BM get? If she "believed" in medication for ADHD, maybe she could actually do her daughter a service. *eyeroll* Of course I'm sure BM will go back to SD and say "I tried, sorry, your Dad doesn't agree." Once AGAIN, making us the "mean ones".

Sandybeaches's picture

Is that even a thing can you do that once they start? Yes that would be setting scene for a life time of set backs!!

Rags's picture

My brother chose to restart the second half of his Jr. year of HS when he was nearly halfway through his Sr. year of HS.  He changed schools to do it.  At the time he was not particularly motivated accademically but enjoyed football.  He was on the bubble grade wise regarding qualifying to play sports, particularly football.  At that time he was pulled from class one day to meet with a team of academic assessors.  The previous year he had taken the PSAT and had scored the second highest score ever seen in that school district. That a marginal student had scored that high of a score got the significant attention of the district leaders.  The concern was that he had cheated They did a bunch of testing on him and concluded he was entirely capable of that level of PSAT score and was just not a particularly interested student.

At that point he came to the epiphany that he would do himself a favor by making a concerted effort accademically.   He did not have time to recover enough in the last semester of his Sr. year so ... he did a rewind of a year to the mid point of his Jr. year and did great from then until HS graduation a year later than would have been his on schedule graduation date.

I had a do-over of my Sophomore year.  I was an honor student, Jr. National Honor Society, etc... through Jr. High (for the younger crowd, Jr. High was 7-9th grade).  I went off to boarding school for HS.  My first sophomore year was at a Lib Arts boarding school that was not particularly structure. I had way too much of a good time.  My second Sophomore year through HS graduation was at Military school.  I was extremely successful in the structure environment and I have gone on to a notably successful professional career. Not as successful as some but far more successful than most.

We considered delaying SS's start for Kindergarden.  He is a "late summer boy" which apparently are the bane of many teachers when it comes to difficult kids in class.  We discussed it with his preschool teacher who begged us not to hold him back.  She said all he talked about was riding the big kid school bus and going to big kid school. He was extremely advanced in his preschool class though he was the youngest kid in class.  She said if we held him back the risk was that he would be bored for the rest of his school years.  So, we kept him on schedule.  He was an extremely well behaved kid but.. was usually bery bored every school year. The first 6wks of school he was interested and an extremely high performer.  After the first 6wks each year he drove his teachers insane. He would sleep or read novels in class and pretty much ignore the lessons and would not do his homework. He was still impeccably polite and extremely well behaved. He was just totally disengaged and uninterested in the classroom and school work.  

We tried the changing schools thing which worked wonders until the Spermidiot helped SS to hack the school firewall and SS would stay up all night playing WoW with his SpermDad.  So, we brought SS home at winter break, put him in our local HS and gave him only the last semester of HS to graduate on time or he was out.  I took him on a tour of the homeless camp under the Insterstate in Philly to meet his future neighbors.  SS was so petrified that he graduated on time and with honors though he had a year and a half of work to complete in a single semester.  We moved a few weeks after we dropped him off for Military School so when we brought him home to finish HS he was at a school where he knew no one.  That whole experience scared the shit out of him enough to re-engage his brain and extricate his head from his ass so he completed HS successfully.

My brother is now the COO of a prominant international company and my Skid is doing very well in his USAF career.

A shakeup/epiphany inducing moment is a viable tool to use with some kids. It is probably less effective on younger kids than on older kids.

But... it is a thing.

Dogmom1321's picture

Not even a thing! (Where we live anyway. I've looked into it) In our county, promotion/retention is at the discretion of the prinicipal. Parents give input, but the final decision is at the discretion of the principal.