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O/T - Unsolicited Advice

SMof2Girls's picture

I started to post a long rant blog about all the unsolicited advice I get now that I'm 24 weeks pregnant (much of which I find to be down right rude).

Hoping to laugh it off with some gem stories from you ladies (and gents)!

I get it all from people's lighthearted opinions on our decision to not find out baby's gender, to very offensive ones regarding our decision to NOT baptize baby into any religion.

Hello Its Sami Jo's picture

I'm almost 21 weeks myself. The most I'm getting is the gender thing. I just tell everyone we don't know yet, missed a drs appointment or the legs were crossed. It's driving our moms insane. Today I told my MIL I might not tell her when we find out. She wasn't happy about that lol.

SMof2Girls's picture

Are you planning to not find out? Or just don't want to share it?

My sister has been the worst with this one .. even went so far as to tell me how stressful it is for her to not know; and how difficult this is making it for anyone to buy shower gifts. I just referred her to my registry which literally has over 100 items on it in varying price ranges. She also told me how disappointed she is she won't be able to throw me a gender reveal party since they're the "new thing" these days. Even suggested coming to the anatomy scan with me, having the tech show only HER the gender, and me just trusting that she won't blab to anyone (including me" for the next 7 months. Ugh .. no thanks.

I can only take her in very small doses.

Congrats on baby though!

Hello Its Sami Jo's picture

Thanks, same to you. I'm not sure if we want to know or not. It's our last before one of us gets "fixed" so I thought about doig a gender reveal shower. Right now we are just taking our time with it.

SMof2Girls's picture

WOW! I don't know that I'd even have words .. :jawdrop:

My OB doc has been pretty great, but we haven't picked a pediatrician yet. I'm sure that conversation will come up at some point though!

AllySkoo's picture

LOL! Wait 'til you hear the unsolicited "advice" you get as a parent!

When I was pregnant I actually had someone who got VERY angry with me because I was going to find out the gender at the anatomy scan. He felt it was "unnatural" because for thousands of years "the surprise" was "what makes birth special". *MAJOR eye roll* I had people say in horror "You're not going to drink that?!?" when I got a cup of coffee. Someone told me I wasn't "allowed" to eat something I brought for lunch one day (can't remember the offending item). People suggested ways to bring on labor at the end, including "nipple stimulation". I was more than a bit horrified they found that appropriate conversation.

But it doesn't stop, sadly. I went out with my babies and people said, "Oh, you really should put a hat on him!" and "You need to take that blanket off her, she'll get too warm!" Random people tell me I'm a horrible mother because my kids have eaten McDonalds, or watched TV, or played on my phone. They tell me my decision to circumcise, or co-sleep, or bottle feed will ruin their lives. Perfectly well-intentioned folks will tell me that if I just did XYZ then my kids wouldn't do ABC. *snort*

Ignore them. Laugh at them if you can, but ignore the shit out of them. For the most part, they're not offering "advice", they're trying to make themselves feel superior at your expense, and they are assholes.

Lol Sorry, pushed my own buttons on this one!

SMof2Girls's picture

This is basically what my husband says too .. that I need to develop thicker skin if simple advice ticks me off. Haha it's just funny, because on a normal day, I don't care at all! Let people opine away on what I'm doing right or wrong in my life. But man has pregnancy really opened my eyes to the AMOUNT of judgment that gets tossed around so casually!

Maybe I need to start coming up with some good one-liner come backs so I'm prepared! }:)

AllySkoo's picture

You TOTALLY need to come up with one-liners for the more common stuff! Here's a few I actually used:

Them: You're not going to eat/drink THAT, are you?!?
Me: What, this? Oh no, of course not! I'm just getting this for my drug dealer!

Them (upon learning I was expecting twins, and said in tones of extreme concern as if I'd just divulged I had cancer): Oh wow, what are you going to do?
Me: Well, we figure we'll pick the one we like better and leave the other at the hospital.

Them: You're so big!
Me: Thanks, you too!

There's a website I loved while pregnant that has a bunch of good ones.
http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2011/1/15/clever-pr...

Drac0's picture

>He felt it was "unnatural" because for thousands of years "the surprise" was "what makes birth special"<.

I love how people scoff at modern medicine and technology as "Unnatural". Does he drive a car or does he ride a horseback naked with no saddle? Puh-lease! Shut-up and chew on your roots and berries.

Drac0's picture

DW and I made the decision to not find out the gender of BS and BD before they were born.

My parents were okay with it.

DW's parents were okay with it.

But my brother and and my sister-in-law? OMG! They went bat-shit crazy!

"Why!? HOW could you!?!? That's not right! We have the technology and you want to parent like the dark ages!?!? What color are you going to paint the nursery!?!?"

We're talking about two people who will read the last chapter of a book before the first. Both of them have the patience muskrats in heat. My brother actually accused me of knowing the gender and keeping it a secret from everyone.

AllySkoo's picture

Lol I also have the patience of a muskrat in heat (ZERO), so I found out the gender both times I was pregnant.

We decided not to reveal the names we were thinking of until after the babies were born (and named), and THAT made people NUTS. Like, everyone. "What do you mean you won't tell me the names? Why not? Just tell me what you're thinking of. Come ON, why NOT?!? Just TELL ME!"

I was ready to start hitting people in the mouth to get them to SHUT UP about names already! Lol I did start telling people fake names though, I was just so tired of it. I'd switch the name about once a week, always to something we'd ruled out. People get ANNOYING thinking they "deserve" some sort of input!

SMof2Girls's picture

If baby ends up a boy, there will be drama.

DH and I agreed before even getting pregnant that if we had a boy, he would be named after my FIL. A great, great man. Honest, hard working, compassionate .. the kind of person I hope my kid turns out to be. Anyway .. mush aside .. we love DH's dad and really want to honor him in this way.

Rewind about 15 years .. my MIL left my FIL for another man; very bitter divorce and custody battle. Kids ultimately chose to stay with FIL and not move 2 states away with MIL and new SD. SIL eventually did move to be closer to her mom after high school, and they remain very close. My hub and his brother, while they do have a relationship with MIL now, are still closer to FIL.

MIL, for some reason, is still bitter about the divorce. She has since married that guy and has been married (presumably happily) for over 10 years. But anytime FIL's name comes up around her, she has some snide remark to make.

So I can imagine she will not be happy to hear that baby boy's name is FIL II. Oh well. She'll get over it.

Drac0's picture

DW and I ended up debating over names but we both decided that when the baby was born we would probably decide then.

When we revealed to the family what name we've chosen, I swear, it's like they all went deaf.

Dad: "What have you decided to name the baby?"

Me: "Liam."

Dad: "What?"

Me: "Liam."

Dad: "William?"

Me: "No Dad! LIAM!!!"

Dad: *later to Mom over the phone* "They decided to name him 'Wyrm'...I dunno, must be some new-age thing."

SMof2Girls's picture

Haha! Yeah, I can sort of see FIL's reaction to baby boy being "Well why would you want to name him that?" D'oh!

Calypso1977's picture

the baptism one is irritating.

if you yourself dont practice a religion, then why on earth would you baptize your child in a faith that you have no intention of teaching them? id tell people that when they inquire. of course, then they will probably try to get you to become religious.

SMof2Girls's picture

Yeah .. that one is primarily my aunt. When she looked at my registry and did not find Christening garb, she asked if I already had it. I told her no, that we're not baptizing/christening/sacrificing our child so we don't need it.

Anyone who knows us knows we are not only not religious, but we're pretty anti any organized religion in general. My siblings (all very religious) have learned to not even bother trying to convert me anymore. It's insulting to me and I don't entertain it. That's just a whole other topic that I could go on about Smile

amber3902's picture

I read this online somewhere and how I wished I had read this back when I was pregnant/young mother and was getting pushy/nosy advice from everyone.

a couple of lines you can use when people give you unsolicited advice -

"Thanks, but this is what we have decided to do."

"Thanks, but this is what works for us."

and repeat like a broken record until they give up. Smile

SMof2Girls's picture

Those are good .. and polite lol!

The other thing I get a lot is recommendations on things I NEED to buy.

We're as close to minimalist as we can get, so no, we won't be buying a bunch of niceties for baby. But thanks for the recommendation on that $100 automatic formula bottle maker anyway! Blum 3

HolyShmokey's picture

I got so much crap advice, it's not even funny (well, kind of is Blum 3 ). I had one friend that was so pushy because she was pregnant at the same time. She kept on telling me I NEEDED to look into hypno birthing (hypnotizing yourself to get through birth...WTF), I NEEDED to have a water birth, I NEEDED to sit on our Pilates ball and go to an all natural midwifery place, and even that standing up to give birth would be less painful than laying down… but every woman knows her own body, I ended up having to have a C-section and am so thankful I stuck to my guns and went to a hospital. I really enjoyed my reclining hospital bed, too Wink . (DH was so great and supported me 100% through everything)

BTW- Not dissing anybody that went to a midwifery, it was just not for me personally.

SMof2Girls's picture

It's not for me either. Because I'm super conscious about what we eat (even before pregnancy), I have acquired a few acquaintances who are super natural, holistic, earthy, whatever-you-want-to-call-it. They are the ones who chastise me for {get this} being open to supplementing breast milk with formula since I'll have to pump when I return to work and may not have enough supply to feed baby breast milk exclusively.

They've all recommended midwives and given me a list of MUST HAVE cloth diapers and $200 baby carriers. Heh.

HolyShmokey's picture

Wow, that's horrible! I had to use formula (had a hard time with BF). Best advice I can give is just ignore it all and do what's best for you and your family. It honestly starts to become a competition with women on who's the best mother. I even knew a group of women that were freeze-drying placentas to eat/use them later… I mean, that was something I didn't want to keep up with, LOL

SMof2Girls's picture

Right! Every woman/family/baby is different .. and the options available to us this day and age pretty much guarantee we're all gonna turn out okay!

And yeah .. a friend of mine emailed me info for some woman who dries and encapsulates your placenta for you .. :sick:

LuckyGirl's picture

I had to supplement with formula as I wasn't producing enough milk. The objective of feeding is a happy, healthy baby and a happy, healthy mum. Guess what? I have the most mischievious, inquisitive, active, happy toddler you could wish for.

Ignore the crochet-you-own-yoghourt types. Alternatively tell them to p*ss off (goes chuntering off into the distance).

Congratulations on the pregnancy Smile

Rags's picture

Everyone knows the old adage "Opinions are like assholes ... everyone has one." I would dust that one off and add a bit to it as the response to the assholes with an opinion about your pregnancy. "Well, you know they say opinions are like assholes and everybody has one ... well some people are one too. Thanks for your opinion. Buh-bye"

My comment when my friends announce a pregnancy is just "Congratulations. Whether this is your first or not, prepare for your life to change in many wonderful and strange ways. Kids are amazing."

simifan's picture

I didn't mind the nosy bodies with their helpful advise, but I did want to kidney punch the people who don't know the meaning of the words "personal space". I couldn't believe the audacity of total strangers touching & feeling your belly - without even a hi, how you do?. One woman grabbed my breast (which have always been non-existent) & gave me some crap about what to eat to make sure I would get bigger & have "good milk for the baby."

SMof2Girls's picture

It "bothers" me to the extent that I'm just tired of hearing it. I am polite when offer their advice/opinion; but just wish I could roll my eyes and walk away. I suppose I could, and just blame the hormones (people seem to do that anyway lol).

I find the holier-than-though advice from the "best parents ever" is what gets under my skin. Like my friend from high school who is still breast feeding her 3yo. If you ever want to hear how perfect and brilliant her son and her relationship with her son is, just ask. She can go on for hours about it .. but I'm personally not interested in breast feeding a fully teethed toddler (even if I was able to).