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thoughless and thankless

SugarSpice's picture

i have two sds in their twenties. dh and i have been married twenty years. bm had an affair when skids were still in nappies and divorced dh to marry her lover. i married sd when the skids had just started school.

stupid me. i bought each sd one of those hair conditioner kits they sell on tv. i gave them both to younger sd and she thanked me with a hug. she took the package to the older sd the next day when they met for lunch.

anyhow no thank you call or message from the older sd about the gift. it was not cheap.

four days later at 7 in the morning i got email from older sd thanking me for the gift. i suspect dh had a hand in this as i told him older sd did not sent me a thanks.

he denied saying anything to her and only asked her if she liked the gift. i am sure he lied to me.

i told him in future i did not want him prodding the skids to thank me for gifts likethey were ten years old. i told him next time i wont tell him if i got a thanks or not. i will just note it.

prodding only makes them hate me more. as the minis grew up entitled from disney dad's unbridled gneerosity they are thankless and entitled anyway.

lets just say i will be very less likely to buy these spontaneous gifts anymore.

SugarSpice's picture

you are giving a benefit of doubt that is not deserved.

no i dont think so. really? younger sd shows up with a surprise package of fine hair care products in a nice presentation box. does the older sd think the gift fairy brought them? younger sd surely told older who gave them.

also bought the sds the smaller size of the products and they were delighted so i bought them the deluxe package with the extra hairbrush and travel hairspray.

no one else in the sds lives have this sort of generosity and dh sure as h*ll would not buy hair products.

SMof2Girls's picture

I don't think it's inappropriate for the parent to correct the child and tell them to say "thank you".

I understand that you want to be thanked without kids being forced to, but they're kids.

I think I'd be MORE upset if my DH knew it upset me and did nothing about it.

Not sure what you expect to change if kids are never called out on the behavior. They're not mind readers.

The other solution is to, like you said, just stop buying them gifts or doing things for them that would warrant a "thank you".

Orange County Ca's picture

I know one wants so much to do nice things only to not be given the semblance if a minimal thank you. I stopped gift giving before they were out of high school.

I also hated it when the wife would prod them into doing something and had to get angry before she would stop. One could tell the kid didn't want to say something nice and I'd rather have nothing than a phony "thanks".

ChiefGrownup's picture

That's one of the few accomplishments I've had in helping raise my stepdaughter (she will be 15 in 2 weeks - we married when she was 13, I met her when she was 12). Don't think she'd ever said the word "thanks" to anybody anywhere till I came along. I started teaching them (her little brother, too) to say it to their father and others. He eventually caught on and started having them say it to me, too.

I am really pleased that now both kids say it almost all the time without prompting. SD is a huge pill so she will often avoid saying it to show her general disapproval and superiority over everyone. But dad gets on her for that and I support him, although sometimes I feel stupid about it (when the belligerent tx is directed to me).

But when all is said and done, I am very happy I've planted the seed of gratitude in these kids. You can't feel it if you don't even know what it is, right? Even the girl does say it often enough quite spontaneously and that's a happy feeling to me that she has learned to notice that someone has done something nice for her.

On the flip side, I have stopped giving her gifts. Because her general behavior around gifts was so hideous I told my husband I was D.O.N.E.

I know she's sorry to have stopped receiving the gifts, but my own life is so much more peaceful. She should have believed me, too bad so sad.

The thank yous she does say regularly are for things like dinner, movie outing, etc.

SugarSpice's picture

my lesson is learned. i feel like such a fool. my family tends to be a very thoughtful bunch and buys little gifts that relate to favorite hobbies, sports, etc.

no more unsolicited gifts. just birthdays and holidays. moreover, let dh buy them the gifts. ditto for my brothers daughter. i buy her unsolicited gifts and not a word of thanks and even acknowledgement.

no more.