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Christmas and a Wedding with BM there

k0316's picture

BM is invited to Christmas at my in-laws this year because she is the "mother of their grandson". She is actually staying in my FMIL's house for the holidays (we are staying in a hotel). She is not a very nice person. She has zero filters and is rude to me, belittling me. I have been trying to beg of going to any of the "Christmas Activities" because three days later, I am getting married and don't want to have any drama with her.

Everyone has pointed out that Christmas is for SS. They seem to forget that SO and I are getting married too. SO tried to tell her he was uncomfortable staying in his mom's house and she blew a gasket.

I want to get to know my new family without her around. I was looking forward to being part of his family without his ex inserting herself. Especially right before the wedding because if she is around no one will talk to me about the wedding. My SO actually had to "dis-invited" to the wedding, they are all walking on eggshells now.

Luckily we had a great Christmas with our three kids at home last weekend. I don't feel I'm missing Christmas. My SO doesn't see it that way. He keeps insisting I need to be part of his family traditions, especially the ones with his kid. Those are traditions he set up with his ex and she is still there and his kid could care less if I'm there.

I wish we could just skip right through Christmas.

k0316's picture

When we first decided to plan the wedding in our home town, it sounded really nice. Now I wish we had just went to the courthouse. Too much BM drama.

christinen's picture

Your soon to be husbands EX is staying with his family over the holidays? Did I read that correctly? Holy crap, I thought my in-laws were bad! That is downright disrespectful and unacceptable and I personally think you should let it be known. If you bite your tongue with them, they will walk all over you forever.

k0316's picture

The family doesn't understand WHY she is staying there but they won't step up and say anything. That is why my fiancée did but instead of being an adult, she threw a temper tantrum. She is insecure about her role in the family now and wants to make sure she is an integral part of it. However, she never has been.

I finally decided the only thing I could control in this situation is me. We told FMIL that we will probably not be at Christmas dinner and why. She doesn't understand why BM won't bow out of dinner but FMIL won't say anything to her. Everyone seems okay with us not showing up.

Disneyfan's picture

Wait a minute. This man intends to continue including BM in his family traditions?????

If so, why are you marrying this man?

StepKat's picture

Wait. I hope I’m not alone in thinking that once a man divorces a woman, that woman is no longer apart of the man’s family. If the man has kids then the kids see the family with their dad. That’s what my DH does. My in-laws have no contact with BM anymore. The kids are a part of the family, not BM!

k0316's picture

He doesn't want to keep her involved but he says this year is a "transition" year for his kid. Every Christmas his kid has gone to his grandparents house with his mom and dad so BM was invited. Next year we had planned to stay home and celebrate (he has not told SS or FMIL yet).

Like I said, everyone is so focused on the kid (who is 15 btw) BUT we are getting married three days after Christmas!

I had this idea that we would fly home and everyone would be excited about us getting married. I had this bizarre fantasy about spending a few days getting to know everyone and having it be about FH and I but no it's about his kid. Like he is going to be traumatized for life if Christmas is a little different this year.

TASHA1983's picture

This is your life...welcome to it! Sad

Everything will always be about poor widdle skid and his feelings :sick:

Mercury's picture

My husband's parents love Christmas, make a huge meal, invite all their kids and grandkids, etc.

Last year, Christmas Day was going to be the first time I met his parents. They invited BM. :jawdrop:

They were shocked when DH (then SO) said we (and the skids) weren't coming if that woman was going to be there. BM wasn't a total idiot, he was able to convince her that it was beyond inappropriate for her to show up.

I don't know if it was a coincidence, but his brother's wives all called MIL and canceled. The whole extended family was each involved in their own individual dramas during that time period so I can't say for certain that they canceled because of the me vs bm nonsense but it does look suspicious.

I would NOT have married DH if he had not taken that stand that day.

I still hold the inlaws at arms length.

k0316's picture

I keep being torn between going and standing up for myself with her and just skipping Christmas Day. FH and I just finished talking about it again (one week before my wedding and all we are talking about is his ex). He wants me to go and "be the bigger person". He thinks I should go and show her that she can't force me out of the family.

Geez, why do I have to prove anything and put up with her crap? So they were married for twenty years and have a kid. The marriage is over. She even has a boyfriend and instead of spending the holiday with him she is going to my MIL's?

I just want to have a fabulous wedding day without family drama.

christinen's picture

You don't need to "be the bigger person" or prove anything to anyone.. YOU are the WIFE and she is the EX and that's just the way it is! They all need to deal. Your DH needs to stand up to them & tell them what they are doing is unacceptable!

stormabruin's picture

This isn't about anyone being the bigger person. It is ALL about respecting boundaries.

I can certainly understand him wanting to carry on traditions he's shared with his family/kids, but sharing Christmas dinner with his ex should never become one.

Given the fact that Christmas is being held at your FMIL's place, she is free to invite who she wants to invite, & you & your SO are free to choose not to attend.

Just because they opt to stomp all over boundaries doesn't mean you must participate in doing so.

peacemaker's picture


k0316's picture

Had a talk with my SIL. She has never liked BM either. Same issues. She was glad I told her how I felt because now she doesn't have to pretend anymore. She told me that if BM plans on going to he family dinner tomorrow, SIL (whose house it is) is going to make sure she understands it will be the last Christmas dinner for BM. Yay! I feel like I have an ally finally.

However, BM DID come to the Christmas Eve get-together and then all crap broke loose. BM wanted us to wait for SS to wake up, text us and have us come running. No time. No schedule. Just whenever he decided to wake up in the morning. We were supposed to just wait until his beck and call.

FH and I had already decided to have a nice private breakfast then head over to see my dad before going to my MIL's house. SS started pouting and immediately told his mother "I'm ready to go!". Then of course, they left because when SS says jump, she does. Then apparently she started texting FH. THEN (because he didn't notice her texts), starts texting me telling me to get him to respond to her. Ah, no.

OMG! I am getting married in four days! I can not deal with this drama, right now. I am so angry with him. I told him this was going to happen. This is his dad's fault. He was afraid to tell his son exactly what was going on. To be specific. AND most of all, be the parent.

I don't even want to talk to him right now.

paige72's picture

I would seriously consider postponing this wedding. If your SO is this inconsiderate of your feelings now (BEFORE the wedding), it will only get much worse after. Transition year or not he was wrong to put her above you (that is what he did by not putting you first and drawing the line LONG before Christmas. I know you love him and I understand that but I have been there, done that. Wasted 10 years and was treated like crap as far as skids and ex were concerned. It's better to postpone it now than to get into something so much worse that you will regret it for years. Perhaps if you postpone it, it will be a wake up call to your SO- either put YOU first or you can walk. Good luck!

SituationalTourettes's picture

Sad This is an awful situation to be in. This seriously pains me to say because I know you love this man deeply and you are looking forward to your wedding but I have to agree with the others who say you need to postpone the wedding until some serious conversations are had. A 15 yr old boy is being allowed to manipulate this situation as his is mother. I was going to ask who wanted the divorce and how the family felt about it when it happened. For example, for me, I asked for the divorce. My ex has a very large extended family. Obviously they were very angry, more so because they felt I was divorcing them as well as my ex. I understood that. I was the evil one was for a while but they were always great to my 3 kids so I appreciated that. Ironically my ex started defending me to them which was nice but weird. Eventually they got a new DIL that turned out to be a total nutjob and they realized I wasnt so bad as their son's ex LOL. Now we get along great. I however DO NOT insert myself in their lives unless it is a special event specifically for one of my kids (birthday, graduation, confirmation, etc). I do see my former inlaws periodically as my ex lives with them and I am in the occasional contact with my ex's sisters and his nieces but in no way would I do what this woman is doing. I have an SO who gets along great with my ex and even my ex's family likes him and respects him for how he is to me and my kids. Your fiance is being a coward. He needs to lay down the law now or I'm sad to say, I dont think he ever will. I wish you good luck. I hope and pray it's a solvable situation and a temporary postponement.

k0316's picture

FH took SS aside later and told him that he could NOT be the only person anymore. He pointed out that he has others in his life (including me and my two daughters) and there was no way SS could be the center of the universe. He told SS he could wait to open his gifts until his father was over or not, his choice. He didn't respond to anymore texts from SS or BM.

He also apologized to me for not listening. He feels guilty that his son is like this because as he put it he "caved" to his ex's permissive parenting style. He has decided we must be an united front in parenting his son the way we want, regardless of what BM thinks.

We did go over briefly in the morning. SS HAD waited to open his gifts until we got there. FH and I did not engage BM in any extended conversations. He told me after, he was completely uncomfortable at his mother's house and this would NEVER happen again (his emphasis).

She DID show up to Christmas dinner. No one even approached her or tried to talk to her. They just ignored her, while lavishing FH and I will excitement over our wedding. We were taken aside a couple of times to be told by different members of the family. No one understood why she was there. Everyone told me how much they were happy I was part of the family.

She approached FH at the dinner and tried to make conversation. He brushed her off. I did not talk to her at all. I didn't acknowledge she existed in my world.

Next year we will be staying home for the holidays. She will not be part of it.