Grandparent Access to children, how much is fair?
Ok here is another issue I have been trying to deal with. After reading some of the posts on MIL and grandparent access to children, I want to know what you all think.
I and my XH were in the Army and have worked for government in one capacity or another for the last 15 years. Most of the time XH and were together (10 years) we did not live near wither set of grandparents, we took turns going to one family for Christmas or the other, inviting both families to our house sometimes.
Now divorced, we swap holidays. I have since remarried. My husband was born and raised in the town where I now live. We have been together for 3 years, married just over a year. So here is the problem... before I met my husband, he was a single dad for 2+ years, the BM gave up her kids so she could stay with her drug addict boy friend, refuses to work (says she is a stay at home mom- but the kids don't live with her and haven't since 2005), she does not pay child support and is a major drama queen. Because she is anything but dependable, my husband depended on his mother to take care of alot of the "mother duties" ie doctor appts, school issues, etc.
Since my Husband moved in and his kids started going to school with my kids and going to the same doctor my kids go to, MIL resents my interference in their lives. She repeatedly tells me I have too many rules, ie say please and thank you, clean your room, be respectful to adults, Homework finished before video games and TV, etc.
This year I told my husband I want to go home to my family for Christmas. I have not been home for Christmas on a year when I had the kids since 2004. I am due. Last Christmas was BM Christmas and MIL weedled some time out of her, which is fine, but now she is in a tizzy because we won't be here for Christmas this year.
Another issue is the different way MIL treats his kids and my kids who are all her grandchildren now that we are married. Last school year she demanded to have ss's one night a week during the school week, she was too busy to have them on the weekends. She never did the same with my kids, and while she had the SS's she would buy them toys that they would come home and brag to my kids about, who did not recieve the same benefits. This year I told my husband that is not happening. She can have one weekend night out of the 4 he gets (the BM's mom gets one too, but that is another story) and if she wants to see the kids during the week she will see ALL of them.
Needless to say MIL is not a happy camper. I am trying not to let it get to me, but she is going to the school and having lunch (only with the SS's) and telling them she has toys for them at her house, and they should ask Daddy to come over. They come home and tell us about their visit, and of course my kids wnat to know why she doesn't eat with them or get presents for no reason.
How would you handle this?
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming form.
However in your MILs little world her son's children come first because they are 'blood relatives' not accquired through marriage. You can't insist your kids are her grandchildren because they aren't ... in her mind.
Sad but true. And the sooner you accept she can decide either way you will be a lot happier.
So how do you deflect this woman?
Tell your SS's that is isn't up to Grandma to make the rules, this is their father's job. And they can complain as much as they want it isn't happening until everyone is treated the same.
Then your DH needs to tell his mother the favouritism will stop, no one gets extra toys unless it is a birthday or something and if she doesn't knock it off he will not be visitng her more than 2x a year ... Mothers Day and her birthday. She will be blocked form visitng the kids in school because she is disrupting his family.
Not you, him. This is his mother to rein in.
Thank you, it is wonderful to
Thank you, it is wonderful to hear from someone who can see the situation from my side. I agree with you completely.
Wow, OneoffourI think that is
Wow, OneoffourI think that is a great idea!
I think it is unfair for
I think it is unfair for anyone to determine what, if any, relationship a grandparent can have with their grandchildren based on a step-situation. My stepchildren have grandparents of their own that do special things for just them just as my parents do special things for my children. When everyone was together, everyone was treated equal. Those special moments between grandparents and their grandchidren when they have them alone should not be dictated based upon what a stepparent believes their own children should be getting from the non-biological grandparent.
As a stepparent myself, I can say that I treat all of the kids the same, however, there are special moments I share with my own kids that I do not share with my husband's kids and never will. there are special things I want my children to have that I certainly will not be gettng for his children, and vice versa. He does special things for his kids. Their mother does special things for them. Their biological grandparents do special things with them.
I wouldn't be letting ANY of the kids spend a school night out. If grandma wants to see the kid, then she needs to be available on weekends.
I am also a grandparent. However, I do not have any step-grandchildren. I can say though that I will never be able to share the same bond I have with my grandson with anyone else's children no matter what. He will always have a special place and I will always financially plan for his future.
Be honest, do you really feel the same way about your stepchildren as you do about your bio children? Why would you expect others to?
I don't expect MIL to feel
I don't expect MIL to feel the closeness she feels with SS's with my children, or the desire really. What I am concerned with is the effect her need to have constant access to the SS's effect on my children. The special treatment on such a frequent basis, the near constant interference from MIL on everything from how the SS's dress, to how much time the SS's spend with my kids, etc.
Another issue is there are 2 SS's, and one boy, is treated differently than the other. This behavior that I have been working on with my DH, is only reinforced by MIL.
We are trying to form a new family, new bonds, help the SS's know that they have support and guidance from myself as well as all the other important people in their lives.
Here is an example of the issue. The summer is a challenge. We have to give 4-7 weeks to the xspouses, then we have commitments with my family, and commitments with his family. BM won't let her Mom spend anytime with the boys on her time, and because we think it is important for the boys to have a relationship with their grandparents, we give her mom a week in the summer. There is only 10.5 weeks in the summer. As you can see there is not a lot of wiggle room. We asked the x's to tell us by March what weeks they wanted, so we could plan camps for at least one week for the kids. We asked the grandparents then to tell us what week they wanted, we gave them first choice after the BM. MIL refused to select a week. Said she wasn't going to be told what week she could have the boys. She wound up not getting more than a couple days at a time, because after waiting a month for her to change her mind, we went ahead and finished the scheduling for the summer.
We have actually come to a sort of compromise, she is getting the boys for till 7pm every other week, she is taking my daughter on the opposite week. There will be no more overnights during the week, but she is offered one weekend night a month, which she is taking.
My only concern with her attachment to the boys is the effect it has on the bonds in our home.
I think you have been more
I think you have been more than fair with the woman by offering her a week in the summer. you're right. She is being overbearing.
That is exactly what I tell
That is exactly what I tell him. That it was wonderful that his mother could pitch in when he hit a rough patch, but now she needs to step back and be the grandmother she should be. We are more than capable of parenting the children, and her undermining of the house rules do not do her grandchildren any favors.
If she could just accept the natural order necessary in our house for their to peace and harmony I would not have any issues.
I agree with Totallybogus.
I agree with Totallybogus. You can't force a relationship between her and your kids. Look back and read all the posts awhile back about grandparents and skids. You can't expect her to treat all kids the same. Not only are the skids her bio grandkids, she's also helped raise them! My parets are extremely close to my kids. When we lived in the sametown they saw the kids every day. When we had to move it was tough on kids and them. By distancing he skids from their grandma you are hurting them and her. I understand you not wanting mil to butt in all the time, but she should still have grandparent rights and shouldn't be forced to treat your kids the same as he others. I mean, your kids have grandprent too. I think because you haven't lied close to your family in a long then then maybe you don't 'get it'. I don't mean to sound harsh at all. I guess I'm just seeing it from my parent's eyes. If I remarried and took the kids around less then they would not agree to that and would be extremely hurt. If I made my parents treat ss the same as the bio grandkids they would laugh. Seriously. But then ss relationship with my parents is probably different than your kids are with mil. I just feel when it comes to grndparents then they need to be allowed to be grandprent in whichever capacity hat may be. Everyone always says 'you knew about their kids when you got married and you made your choice'. But the grandparents didn't have a say. They didn't make the choice to be step-grandparents. The choice was made for them. So don't take it out on them because they haven't bonded with your kids yet. That will take time. I've been married to dh for 6 years and still haven't bonded with ss. Give her time.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from, but maybe I can give you more information. My MIL is a 2 time step mom herself. When my husband was 12 he chose to leave her and go live with his Dad for a variety of reasons. She is attempting to relive the parenting experience she believes was taken from her when my husband went to live with his Dad through the boys. If she wanted a reasonable grandparent relationship with the boys, I would be totally be on board.
Last year on top of DEMANDING the boys spent a school night at her house EVERY WEEK, she volunteered in THEIR CLASSROOMS every week, which was a distraction for the class because of the way the boys and she act when they are together. It is fine in a home environment, but in a class room it is a disruption. She demands every year my husband sign a form giving her rights to make decisions about their education which she then turns into the school. She undermines me as an adult and authority figure in my house at every turn.
I honestly don't think she will bond with my kids the way she has with the boys, but I think she should respect some limits as our new family works out the issues of family blending. All I am asking for is some space.
Ok, yeah, now that is
Ok, yeah, now that is overboard! Dh is going to have to be the one to set her straight and strt off by not signing that form. What does he say? Maybe some part of him doesn't want to disapponted his mom or feels he 'owes it to her' for choosing to live with his dad when he was a kid. My dh's parents divorced and he lived with his dad too. Now he spends his time 'making it up' to his mom even though he doesn't realize that's what he's doing.
I think you are right about
I think you are right about him not wanting to disappoint his Mom. He feels guilty when she gets upset.
Frankly, I wouldn't want my
Frankly, I wouldn't want my biochildren around this woman at all!
My family isnt' close to them
My family isnt' close to them but they are included. The only time my family gives my children gifts is Birthdays and Christmas. In my family it is more about the time we get to spend together between holidays than the gifts that are expected for visiting. That is really what I don't like, the presumption from the SS's that when you visit a relative they will give you a present, they don't look forward to actually seeing a relative for the sake of being able to spend time, they have to get something out of it. MIL is great at reinforcing this issue, to the point that the one SS that I have so many issues, now tries to take a toy to school everyday for this one boy he wants to be friends with. He told us this boy won't be his friend if he doesn't take toys for him, but god forbid I lay that on MIL doorstep. Then the boys come back from MIL and make my kids feel like they are being jipped. I guess its a two fold problem, my kids are told time and time again that this is their new family and every one is to be treated the same. Not everyone put actions to these words. Then my kids are influenced by the bad habits that have been part of the younger ones lives for so long. If cutting back visitation is the answer hopefully we will soon see results. Here is hoping.
Update: Well it has been 4
Update: Well it has been 4 months since I posted this.
It was right around Halloween, and we were just getting ready to start family therapy to deal with all the issues. MIL sends my DH an email telling him that if we take SS8 to see a therapist she was going to help his ex-wife get custody. Apparently while on Safari in Tanzania Africa she was checking my Google Calender and noticed the appointment. On top of that one, she threatened to give MY ex-husband dirt on me! There isn't even any dirt to give, but the fact that she would threaten something like that involving herself in my relationship with my EX was just the straw that broke the camels back. All because we were taking the SS8 to family therapy in order to find a way to make the relationship between him and I work.
Still not sure if the cut back on visitation is working. The MIL is now getting the extra time she wants from BM. She keeps claiming she wants us all to get over these issues, but I am not sure anymore that I can.
After her threats of involving herself with the ex's to make trouble for us, and her continued associations with his ex-wife, (DH actually went to the school one day to drop something off to find his mother and ex-wife having lunch with the boys) how can I trust her and allow her to be a part of our lives?
I have started back to work now and I am feeling much better about life in general. Not sure how to go about trying to get along with MIL. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Your DH needs to give his
Your DH needs to give his mother clarity that there will be no more favoritism or there will be NO visits between any of his children and his mother. He should call the school and inform them that his mother is not allowed to see the children during school hours. That should give her clarity.
As for GP visitation in general, the Paternal GPs should only get to see the GKs during Dad's time adn the maternal GPs should only get to see the GKs during BM's time.
For sure there is no resulution to your frustrations if your DH does not grow some sack with his mother.
Good luck.
Wow! I am going through a
Wow! I am going through a similar situation. This confirms everything I have been feeling. My DH and I are actually going to talk to the BMs parents tonight about their time with our kids. They have been letting my SS BM see him every time he is there for a visit. She is freshly out of rehab and has what is her fourth child that she actually decided to keep and try to raise for once. She comes and stays every time my kids are there. My SS has a cell (got for Christmas from MIL) and when I text him he responded to me and called me by my first name and told me to stop texting me! I mean it! He and his GP's have zero respect for my DH. My MIL has always run his life and our life and he wont stand up to ANY of them!!
Last night we decided during our meeting with the BM's parents we would tell them NO visitation for awhile since they cant respect our wishes and STOP letting BM come visit. We were also going to take away SS cell phone since he only uses it to tell GP's how mean I am or to text his BM 25 times a day. She has never been in his life and now all of a sudden she is back and trying to run me off. My DH says today on the phone that he is unsure that we should keep the BM parents from seeing the kids because it will hurt the kids and he also is unsure that we should take away SS's cell phone. He is only 9!! WAY too young for a cell and his BM is nuts and doesnt need to be able to have constant contact with him. I am so frustrated and fed up and I wish my DH would STEP UP and be a man!!!