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Stepson is avoiding all interaction.

k0316's picture

I am concerned about my 15 year old soon-to-be stepson. In the last year, his dad started dating me and I moved in to my fiancée's home with my two daughters (ages 13 and 15). We live next door to his ex-wife and son. His dad thinks he is "fine". I disagree. The boy actively avoids any contact with me and my girls to the point that he has only been in our home four times (just to come looking for his dad). If we invite him to go somewhere with us, he always declines. If my girls try and talk to him, he refuses to engage in conversation. He stated that he would never want to go anywhere, if my girls and I were going. My take on it is that if he doesn't have to interact or see us, we don't exist in his world. Even when his dad tries to engage him, just the two of him, he refuses most times. For example, his dad goes over every night to his house to say goodnight to him and he will actually ask his dad "What do you want?" and tell him to leave. I think he is angry. Very angry but doesn't know how to deal with it.

Neither my fiancée or his ex has sat down and really talked to him about what is going on. He knows we are getting married but they haven't even told him that it is going to be as soon as the divorce is final. They haven't asked him about how he is feeling or what is going on in his head. My fiancée actually told me that he felt that he no longer had to parent his son because he was "grown up". Grown up at 15?

We can't force the child into relationships he doesn't want but I am so very concerned that no one is paying attention to what I see is warning signs that he is troubled. Is there anything I can do?

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

EEP! Sorry, I couldn't get past the fact that you live next door to the ex-wife!! :jawdrop:

In your SS's defense, does he know his parents aren't even divorced yet? You really can't blame the kid for being defensive and cold.

My advice? Slow down. Move away from the ex. Give it a year and see how things are then.

I hope I don't sound unsympathetic, but yikes! I think you're getting yourself into a bad situation.

Sweetjennygirl's picture

I second, exactly what Ghost just said. This sounds like a complete disaster just ticking...

Ex right next door? What good could possibly EVER come of that?!

My guess is, since nobody bothered to tell him why his family fell apart and his whole world shattered, then you immediately show up, he's probably filling in the blanks on his own and sees you as a home wrecking whore whose out to give his daddy a new insta-family. What else would or should a 15year old think? And it would also explain why he's disengaged from his father, not just YOU...

His father needs to sit him down ASAP and have a long talk with this boy...

New second wife-step-mom's picture

EEP! Sorry, I couldn't get past the fact that you live next door to the ex-wife!!

^^^ THIS and the fact that dad goes over there every night... :sick:

wub901's picture

He needs consequences for his actions so that he learns that he can't treat you like that but it needs to come from his father

Disneyfan's picture

Consequences for what???

Why do some parents move so darn fast? Why not wait until the divorce is final before moving in together?

k0316's picture

My fiancée has been living next door for the last five years, ever since he and his ex decided that the marriage was over. They thought this was the best arrangement so that he could have daily contact with his son. I'm not too thrilled about living here but for now that is what the situation is until we can move.

I never expected SS to adapt well and kept telling my fiancée over the last year that the boy was angry. BM refuses to talk to him about anything because she doesn't like conflict (BTW she has been dating someone the whole time. That is why their marriage broke up. Her boyfriend comes over and stays the night two or three times a week, bringing his 4 year old). She says conflict stresses her out so she just lets stuff go. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her son's behavior.

I know I will not be a SM to him. Heck, he's never even referred to me by name. I am a non-entity in his world. He is acting passive aggressively because no one is talking to him. I've talked to my fiancée about it and pointed out what is going on and was told he would "take my opinion into consideration". I think the boy is going to explode at some point.

I watched my daughters go through a lot after my separation and divorce but I sat down and talked to them all the time. I kept an open door and allowed them to tell me what they were feeling. When I saw that they needed extra help, I got it for them. I don't understand ignoring a child who is obviously having problems. I feel very helpless in this situation.