Grown kids with their hands out and enabling father!
I found out recently that HD is giving $100 a month to SD for "gas money" to get back & forth to Nursing school, which we have only HER word that she is going to school. Then found out yesterday that HD is helping her to "catch up" on her car payments. All of this is coming out of his allowance that he gets each pay period. We have to do it this way because he is not very good with paying the bills. So I do it. I just told him that if he can live on that plus pay SD's car note "just this once" than more power to him. However I did tell him very firmly that if it happens AGAIN,and she calls Daddy for help again, she WILL be dealing with me!
I told him to not forget that we have our own bills to pay, plus the medical bills that are still not paid off from his heart surgery. I have had it with his "grown ass children" with their hands constantly held out wanting something. And he wonders why he stays depressed????
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Yep, I was called a "hard
Yep, I was called a "hard bitch" I take pride in that title. SD is 23, has 2 sons by 2 different men, is on her 7th fiance(who is NOT the baby daddy), living with BM, has others take care of the boys (of which I refuse to)actually I have yet to even see the 5 month old. She knows better to even ask! Called her Dad and said she is "getting married in March" she had hooked up with the 7th when baby was barely a month old! And DH can't see how she is ????? I know he is not stupid, but I guess since it's his princess, everything is fine with him!! When she calls with the latest crisis, ie; money, she'll ask him if he's mad, he tells her no, but to never do it AGAIN!!
OMG!!!!!!!!!
hangingin
OMG, hangingin - you just
OMG, hangingin - you just scared the crap out of me because I can see this in my future with my DH & SD15. She has absolutely NO rules at BM's house and all BM encourages her to do is load on makeup, dress like a slut, and be popular with the boys. BM herself got knocked up at 16 and never graduated high school, never got a driver's license, always had debt and bad credit...until she met DH, that is. DH supported her lazy ass, not to mention a baby boy that wasn't even HIS and then when he married BM, he legally adopted her son from another man as his own & raised him - financially, emotionally, etc... So DH had 2 kids with BM while he was married to her (SD15 & SS12) and SD15 is turning out to be the carbon copy of BM. It's sickening and very scary. All she wants to do is dye her hair different colors every other month, get piercings, wear slutty clothes (always black or gray and always showing her bra and/or her cleavage just like her slutty BM) and never studies for tests, fails classes in school, goes out with guys that are 19 years old (that's the latest) all the while BM just smiles & is proud of SD15's popularity. I see SD15 going nowhere fast (just like BM), but since DH thinks she's his princess (and doesn't see any of this), she NEVER has consequences for her bad behavior, laziness, attitude, lack of respect, etc... I see a glimpse of my future in your situation and I haven't married DH yet (he's my BF for 6 years & we've lived together for 2 of them).
I found out the hard way,
I found out the hard way, thinking HD would finally get the picture...NOT! It will stop when YOU say it stops, you have more power than you think! Tell him the money flows stops or you stop...whatever you decide that to be!
hangingin
Yes that's SD & BM to a Tee.
Yes that's SD & BM to a Tee. BM has encouraged SD every step of the way,holding wild parties at her house, providing the booze, and BM even "servicing the young guys that came to party" Her influance also telling her daughter how to pleasure men, and included taking her for at least one abortion that I know of, could be more! Talked her out of marrying her oldest son's father(who I thought was fantastic and really thought SD loved!) BM couldn't stand him because he wouldn't support her fat ass and told her to her face! so she manipulated SD out of marrying a man who is financially secure (mega bucks)so ever since SD has been hooking up with anything that twitched, and the guys usually end moving in under BM's thumb too! I have a feeling that the oldest son's daddy is getting ready to pull a few good ones on them, he has power, and money where he comes from and I think they really have underestimated him. He told me once that he was going to wait until the boy was a little older and then WHAM! BM is really stupid for tqalking SD out of marring him, at least she would have been a little more secure, but not now!
hangingin
Hanginin, all I can say is
Hanginin, all I can say is WOW that is one messed-up, dysfunctional, disgusting BM (who is now proudly passing on all of these lovely "traits" to SD). My question is, what does your DH think about/do about all of this insanity? Does he just pretend that it's all OK & SD is his perfect little girl, or does he actually acknowledge the situation as what it is? He's the FATHER, why isn't he DOING anything about SD? I think you mentioned she's older now, but 2 babies from 2 different guys and she's only 23?!?! (or is that the other SD?). Holy cow...that's insane!! A Jerry Springer, train wreck of a situation. How are you handling it all? And let me guess, you're the "bad guy" in it all, right? You're the "negative" one, right? What a nightmare. Did you mention that you & DH are married or still just dating/living together? How long have you been with DH through all of this? HUGS to you!!
Yep, you hit it on the head,
Yep, you hit it on the head, he puts his head in the sand and pretends everything is just fine! I know on some level he knows that it's wrong, but as he kept telling me, what can he do? Damage has already been done! But in my opinion, he dosen't have to just blindly go along with how she lives, he could say his piece, and let her know how he feels, but I guess it's that old "guilt trip" rearing it's ugly head, she MIGHT just turn away from him all together. Fthers are so terrified of that happening. But what they don't realize, is that just because you dissaprove or voice your opinion does not make your kids stop loving you! Read my postings and you will get the full picture! And it ain't a pretty one either! I did cause a stir this morning, I texted darling daughter and let her know exactly how things are! And then let DH know what I HAD DONE! This is what I texted..."Just to give you future info, your Dad has only a certain amount of money each pay period and every time you call him wanting money that means less for him, he is barely has enough as it is, and he has his OWN bills to pay. Every time you call with a problem you are making him worry himself to death, you brother and I have to watch him worry himself into the ground every day. PLEASE find another way NOT to worry him because we NEED him here with us, as I'm sure you do too!" I told HD what I had texted, his first words were; she has to much on her plate to get that, I stopped right there and yelled, Poor SD can take the stress, you however cannot. So don't tell me that I'm worrying HER!
Of course the first thing SD did was to call her Dad, which I knew would happen,that's why I told him right away. She then texted me, that she hardly ever asks her Dad for anything (yeah right)and besides he's her dad! I just deleted the text ...I had said what I WANTED TO SAY, He can now spend his his money however he wants, but I will hold her responsible if anything happens to him.
hangingin
And of course there was a
And of course there was a big fall out, Miss Drama Qween had kept at it, SS texted me reaming me out about how I had no right to blame his sister for their Dad's health...yada yada and that if I want to "play childish games" he's ready to start pointing fingers?? I just deleted his text, I was not going to get into a texting war. As a matter of fact I blocked everything coming from the skids. Right after that HD texted ALL of us and told SD "TO LET IT GO" and that if ALL of us don't stop, he's leaving and never coming back??? AND this goes for hangingin too! I called him and asked him what the hell did that mean? he said that SD had been texting him and everyone else that I was downing her and her Mom and saying ugly things about her??? WTF??? I just calmly told him that was the VERY REASON I forwarded him what I had sent her, that she was doing EXACTLY WHAT I knew she would do. Did he call her out on her lying??? Nooo, he said let it go! I told know I REALLY know who has MY BACK! ME!! I can't depend on him for anything! He came home all up beat and happy assuming he had "fixed" everything!!! I just looked at him, he asked me what was wrong? I told him apparently I don't mean a damn thing to him except a paycheck, because he could have had my back, all I was doing was trying to stop all of his worrying himself to death. But if that's how he wants to go down, then by all means go ahead, I'm done! When he dies,those people DO NOT KNOW the meaning of the word HURT, when I get finished!
hangingin
It did get better believe it
It did get better believe it or not! After I calmly told him all of that PLUS the fact that I cannot stand lying (of which he cannot either) and went to bed last night, I woke up calm and relaxed, I still however just answered questions with short answers and went about getting ready for work. He asked me if I wanted to go with some friends of ours this weekend to a high school football game (our town football team are playing for the State Championship in the State Capital) I asked if the skids were going? He said he didn't think so, why was I asking? I told him I was not going if they were, that I don't reward lying manipulating people. He just looked at me and I went on about getting ready. Later on my way to work, he called me and apologized, that he heard something on the radio about grown kids and accepting responsibility for their own actions...that he should have talked with me first...I told him that's all fine and good, but was he going to call SD out on her lying about what I said? Did he realize not only did she lie, but she was going around bad mouthing me and there is no telling what she told SS. That he didn't have my back, he should have left me out of that text he sent, that it just showed skids how divided we are! We could have discussed it later instead of him adding me on that rant of his. He replied that he does have my back, I told him NO, YOU DO NOT! IF you did, the first thing you have done was tell SD to quit lying. After a few minutes, he said yeah I guess your right, and that he was going to call SD and tell her. I told him that just because you might say some harsh things to your children to help them in the long run, does not mean they WILL STOP LOVING HIM, he needs to get rid of that guilt he has carrying around. It does NO ONE any good. He is and always will be the father they love with all their hearts, there is no changing that! He was, is and continues to be the only MOTHER AND FATHER THEY HAVE EVER HAD!
I find myself giving him "pep talks" even though I am upset with him and feeling that I have no one to depend but myself.
hangingin
Yeah,isn't it funny how we
Yeah,isn't it funny how we (the spouses) have been trying to tell them truths until we are blue in the face, knocking our heads against the walls, almost having nervous breakdowns and it takes ONE totally random person to say "THE SAME THINGS WE HAVE BEEN SAYING TO THEM ALL ALONG" and all of a sudden they "GET IT"????? WTF??? HELLOOOOO!!! I give up on the talking! I'm going about my merry business, saving my money, and planning for the day when all of this comes to a boil... and it will! then I'm gone... I have to look out for my son AND my sanity! I talked with my sister (who also has a Bipolar SD,& has her fair share of DRAMA, the only difference being her HD has her BACK) she told me that I am and will always be the STRONG ONE in this relationship, just go ahead and accept it and quit banging my head against the wall wishing and hoping for HD to change and protect and back me, because IT AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN, not after 13 years of marriage. She's right, it's been that way my whole life. my HD is NOT THE MAN I NEED HIM TO BE! Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man, giving of his time, love and everything else. I would not have married otherwise, He just does not like conflict, arguing ...nor do I, but the big difference between us is when I KNOW I'M RIGHT, I AM A MULE, I WILL NOT BE BULLIED! My sister told me I am more mule-headed than all my siblings put together, I think she's right. LOL!!!
hangingin
Your right about the sucking
Your right about the sucking up part...right before I left work HD called and said that when I left work to call him as he was making supper?!?! This is a man who will do EVERYTHING ELSE in the house EXCEPT COOK! He will even clean toilets!!! I can make something, leave instructions to just pop it into the microwave to heat up, and when I ask did he heat it up? He says No, I made a sandwich???? What's so hard about heating up something??? That is how much sucking up he has done!! We shall see how long this lasts...but I'm milking it for all it's worth! LOL!
hangingin
It seems to me that all the
It seems to me that all the coniving,maniuplating ect... takes alot of energy, why not just go ahead and work your butt off to get somewhere in life - it's pretty much the same hard work, but I guess it's not as much fun to all these skanks
.
hangingin
Mustang, I too (like you &
Mustang, I too (like you & Cruella) have been working since I was a very young girl. I had newspaper routes, babysat, worked at a farmstand, shoveled snow from driveways...the list goes on and on...for many years to SAVE money to be able to buy things I wanted - even BEFORE I turned 16 & was allowed to get a "real" job. I always had 2 jobs most of my life - put myself through college & doctorate, bought my own house with my own money & mortgage - no "co-signers", gifts from others - EVER. That's the way MY parents raised me - to know the value of a dollar and to always have a good work ethic - and to understand that money doesn't "grow on trees" and that things don't just magically appear just because I want them to. It takes hard, hard work even when you think you don't have the energy to continue, you keep going. Does anyone see a common denominator with all of the BM's here? No job (and most never worked and if they did, it was part-time or just when they were "bored"), no education, live off of the BF's/DH's, pop out a few kids - BINGO - instant insurance that they will have a monthly income & someone else supporting them until those kids turn 18 (or here in NY, until they turn 21!). I also see an interesting pattern of all of us Step-Moms/Second Wives/girlfriends - all hard working, educated women with good morals/ethics who put our time, effort (and most of us our MONEY) into co-parenting and raising SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD(REN), all in the name of being in love with our man. Unfortunately, there is very little appreciation and if there is, it's only from the BF/DH - nothing but grief and aggravation from the BM & skids. Does anyone else see an interesting pattern & common traits in all of us? I'm not saying this to "pat ourselves on the back", but the more I'm on ST the more I realize this - it seems that there are many of us in the same situation.
She sounds hopeless. I
She sounds hopeless. I can't say I'm in the situation, but probably looking at it eventually. SD 17 is offering up sexual favors for drugs at the moment, but has used the tease for attention and to get 'friends'. She doesn't have relationships, she just uses people. Having spent some time on the narcissist thread, I'm thinking that she's just picked up the personality disorder which I think both of her parents have to degrees. I think it's really like a shop window (shop of horrors) for us SM's. If you're like me, it's DH's processing and coping that is the bite in the a$$. I'm currently trying to figure out a way to cope with HIS inability to cope because I've accepted that I can't do anything about any of it.
Just a little UPDATE, all
Just a little UPDATE, all the sucking up lasted a total of 2 days max!, then it was back to the same thing. SD did make excuses to avoid seeing me at Christmas time, she has not been to our house (yeaaaa!!!) nor did she come to her grandparents house KNOWING I was there. She made an excuse to her father and told him something about coming out to the house the next day, but never showed up. And I DID NOT ask HD about it. SS did go to his grandparents and hugged me, never saying a word about how he talked "texted" to me. (I still have both SKIDS blocked from my cell phone
He mentioned something about his SS having a birthday party coming up, and I said have a good time cause I won't be there, he asked why not!?!?! I just looked at him and asked him "after ALL this time, do you STILL NOT GET IT? I WILL NOT be anywhere near your Mom if I can possibly help it! He just looked at me with a puzzled look on his face. He is just like HD in that respect.I had already explained to HD,& SS that life is to DAMNED short to live it somewhere you don't want to be, I've lost too many loved ones in my life to realize that little gem! I WILL go to his wedding (in May) but I am sooo out of there if there is ONE HINT of trouble at my expense. I did look into the "school" thing that SD is supposedly going to. HD did tell me that she is going to school to become a Surgical Assistant. My niece is also going to the same College to become an RN.(she is married, 3 kids, works, hubby is a police officer, working double shifts...see how different her & SD are?, it continually amazes me how useless SD & BM are) I called her to find out more about it, she said the only campus that offers that particular degree is another area of the City from her. I just wanted to make sure SD is doing what she said she doing, because we could sure use that $100.00 a month. SD has a way (just like BM) of taking a grain of truth and twisting it to suit her purposes. Just enough to get a person to start second guessing their opinions and or suspicions. But this last pay period was the last time HD will have car note taken out of his bank acct, so we shall see how well he does holding onto his convictions regarding handing out more money to SD. From what SS has said regarding his grandfathers Mobile Home, is that his cousin told him that he can't move in because he himself (the cousin) is moving in!?!?! Again, what is it with SS? Me being ME, I would have told cousin to go take a flying leap! But now HD has told me that SS and family are moving into HD's sisters rent house! But there are some problems with it (it is a BIGGER double wide mobile home than grandfathers) that it needs ALOT of work on it...needs a new roof, the free standing bar in kitchen is falling apart, yada yada ect... (SS fiance's father is going to work on the house for FREE!) I was like... ok, they can live around the work going on, but last night DH told me that the Heat/AC unit is out, and that it will cost $2,000 to replace it. I think HD is trying to "guilt" me into letting them move in!!! But I'm holding my ground!!! Just like that old mule my sister was talking about! 
So, I'm wondering now what else HD will come up with? Maybe a tornado hit the corner of the house last night?
hangingin
SD has decided to get
SD has decided to get married BEFORE her brother...SD is 23, has 2 sons by 2 different men,is on her 7th fiance(who is NOT the baby daddy),living with BM, she dumped the newest baby daddy in August (baby born mid July) and has hooked up with new guy, (Fiance).
SD calls HD and tells him she wants him to meet her & fiance at the place where she wants to have to her up coming wedding in March (I had just had oral surgery, not up to going, glad I didn't go, but really SHOULD HAVE, so that I could have had my say in the matter) HD came back home looking green around the gills,the wedding is going to be a small intimate affair with about 75 guests, an all-inclusive package~ $1400 3 ways. Fiance's parents wrote the check out right then and there! SS's wedding isn't even going to cost that much combined!!! (SS & Fiance are REALLY trying to keep costs down by doing MOST of the work themselves) And they are having about 200 guests WTF???.... I could just wring SD's neck, she is really causing alot of money worry for HD! and to top it off, the marriage will NOT last, I can guarantee you! SD is getting married for ALL the wrong reasons! SS happened to come over and I told him how his dad reacted, he knows his sister is trying to be the center of attention and beat him to the alter and so does HD, he admitted it to me!!! So SS told him that the company (HD helped him start) owes him money, so just take it from the company. I told him to do that because it is not coming from US! AND after paying our part of the package, there will be NO EXTRA's thrown in to suprise us! I told HD after this fiasco of a wedding, he will NO LONGER GIVE HER ONE PENNY MORE, she will have a husband for that!!! He looked at me funny, but he agreed!!! She could have had a NICE quiet,wedding without all the money spending! At least HD has stopped giving her gas money for school travel. And I THINK he has told her that our part of the package is ALL she will be getting from us because a few days ago, SD had texted everyone she had invited to her "bachlorette Party" that it has been cancelled, please no questions....my SD in law (soon to be) told me that SD & Fiance are still together, nothings wrong, but that SS & she thinks BM has told her NO MORE SPENDING! She had planned a limo to a big city nearby with alot of club hopping...
And what is REALLY funny is that for her maid of honor she has chosen a girl she just met a few months ago at school!!!!!
Below is what she chose,
The following packages are based on 75 head count.
Our outdoor, garden weddings offer a sense of serenity so you and your guests can enjoy the making of life-lasting, special memories. Las Brisas Farm specializes in intimate, stress free weddings including elopements, Sunday weddings and lovely garden weddings - a wonderful destination for the most special occasion.
She chose the most expensive package there is!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 hours (2 hours set-up, 2 hours Bride’s dressing preparation and pre-wedding photos, 4 hours ceremony/reception, and 2 hours clean up)
~ Choice of Ceremony Site with 26 benches for guests )Vineyard-in-the-round with bell arbor, Log Gazebo (with beautiful chandelier) surrounded by Olive Trees, Landing at Pond with 300 feet of red roses and palms leading to Cathedral Arbor, Front Porch with windmill surrounded by colorful and fragrant roses, Garden Pavilion for Rain Plan)
~ Choice of Reception Site ( Bunkhouse—climate controlled, Garden Pavilion with white awnings for protection from rain and wind and Party Barn with dance floor and additional seating, Vineyard with outdoor dance floor
~ Bride/s Room for pre-ceremony preparation
~ 3 Bathrooms
~ Outdoor Kitchen Area for bar
~ Twelve 6’ tables and 75 chairs, white linens
~ Overnight Lodging for up to 9 guests
~Arbor House (two bedrooms—1 queen, 1 king, 1 twin)
~ Bunkette (Bride’s Room—1 queen)
~ Casita (1 queen)
~ On-site Wedding Officiate
~ On-site Wedding Coordinator—Creates day-of itinerary and Supervises day-of plans, contacts vendors at signing and 2 weeks prior event, troubleshoots challenges
~ Staff Welcomes Guests
~ Assists with day-of plans for ceremony/reception
~ Attends to guests’ needs
~ Cuts and serves cake
~ Janitorial Services (bathroom service, set up, clean up)
DOES NOT INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING:
Additional Options Available (Wedding Cake, Flowers, Ceremony Music, Reception Music, Photography, Catering, Rehearsal Dinner, etc.)
NOT to mention that after she gets married she will lose ALL the Government benefits she has been getting being a unwed mother of 2... I wonder if she has REALLY thought this through..hmmm probably not!
hangingin