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DH comes down so hard on my daughter

BuzyMama84's picture

Back story: Hubby an I met and each had daughters from previous relationships. Then we had a baby together. Our oldest (my stepdaughter) is 7, our middle (my biodaughter) is 4, and our baby together is 18 months.

Anyhow, from the getgo I have had anger towards his discipline with my daugther. I always felt that he was too hard, too quick to judge, and too slow to forgive with her. He usually never agreed but would sometimes say "Well she gets into more stuff than SD7 does and doesn't listen as well." Pretty much an admission of his feelings that he believes his daughter is better/more well behaved than mine. But he'd also always add, "Just you wait, if we ever have a kid together, you'll see I do the same thing to him/her."

Well guess what? We had another kid. And...drumroll please...he lets our toddler throw fits like its nobody's business. And where he would have thrown Alaina in the corner and given her a swat, he just hugs the little one til she stops crying.

There are so many comparisons between the shitty way he treats her and the way he dotes on our other two that I can't even get into them all. But whenever I bring it up he says I am too focused on the negative and don't notice the good things. What do I say to that? I just want him to freaking lighten up! It's like, when my 4 year old asks me if she can "do something" he jumps right in and says no. But when the baby is whining with something...he always asks, well what should we do hunny? Like, don't fucking try and control the 4 year olds every damn move yet act like I got it under control for everything else.


BuzyMama84's picture

He hasn't spanked her in a long time. Really.

One example is silly but I'll use it. When our SD7 is caught picking her nose, she gets MANY non aggressive reminders and even jokes from dad..."Ya diggin for gold??" But when 4 year old is caught, he just....sounds annoyed. Its a louder tone, less inflection. And each time there's another reminder he sounds more and more annoyed.

Ugh, like I said, its mostly subtle stuff and tends to turn into an argument of "Me reading too much into it." Then he asks me how to improve and I'm not even sure how he can besides watching how he addresses her, but that never changes.

My personal belief is just that her personality doesn't always jive with his and he doesn't feel as strong of a connection as a result.

I don't know what to do. It makes me really sad. I'm tempted to get a voice recorder and just somehow tape the difference in the way he talks as a way to open his eyes. Because I honestly don't think he realizes he's doing it. Sad

Disneyfan's picture

He knows damn well what he's doing and why he's doing it's I bet deep down inside you know also.

Why he has decided to act like an ass toward a 4 year old shouldn't matter. What matters is that you do everything in your power to protect your child from that grown ass bully.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

spanking your daughter is so wrong.Never spank a skid.Best not to spank any kid actually , but never a skid.

hippiegirl's picture

Ummm, why is he swatting her? A bio dad would NEVER tolerate a sm treating his kid that way. But yet, a bio mom will turn the other cheek while her new hubby screams at and hits her kid. Happens a lot. You need to stand up for your child. Are you willing to risk losing her or having her hate you just because you wanted to be married? Maybe you should start treating his daughter the same way he treats yours.'s picture

Yes. The blinders are on. Don cha love that? It is the same for me. His perfect kids can do no wrong. Yeah right. While mine are up for trial and interrogation. I try to be firsthand in dealing with my boys. His kids are not well behaved but he blames the mother instead of teaching them.