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Remind me how to disengage. SD16 is back.

Freshstart's picture

Remind me about disengaging. I can do it when I am in the zone. I have read StepMonster but cannot find my copy. My mother had a serious accident, we just moved, I have lots on at work and now SD16 is back sucking the life and fun out of our house and marriage.

My friends don't get it. The only one who does is a SMother herself.

Problem is I am looking like the bad guy. Withdrew to work where I am sitting now to escape and collect myself. DH and I had a horrible fight.

What to do? I love my DH so much. I miss him even right now.

AlexD's picture

Hi there freshstart. I too have a teenage SD (18) and I am the bad guy. I haven't tried the disengaging yet, and others will probably be able to guide you better than I will. But, I can say THANK GOD for forums like this one. No one else does get what we go through, except for those who are SMums. This forum allows you to vent, picks you up when you're down and gives good advice from people who know exactly what you are going through. I just wishe we weren't spread all over the world !

Take care and be strong Smile

Poodle's picture

Smile and look over her shoulder, into the middle distance but in an absent-minded rather than pointed way. Have lots of conversations with friends on the phone about other matters, have friends round, go out with friends... she is old enough to look after herself entirely unless you are making shared food in which case, as another poster said, it's more effort than not not to share. But if she eats with you, ask her casually as you are leaving the room to wash up after. If she does not, make no point about it, simply leave it there for DH to do as and when he thinks of it.

Freshstart's picture

"I live in hope" that is what I realised happens to me. When I make plans and get out on her weeks, DH is cranky at me. I realised that therefore as an otherwise independent and busy person, I was being held hostage and sending signals to SD that I had nothing better to do. You must talk to him about this. Can you offer 4 day blocks instead so you get every 2nd weekend off?

SolarYellow-SM's picture

I don't understand the disengaging thing at all. DH gets mad at me when I leave everything up to him regarding HIS 12 year old daughter. She lives with us 85% of the time, so she is his responsibility (BM has no responsibilities with her). He feels like this should be a partnership between the both of us for raising her. I'm at the end of my rope taking her bull and watching her run all over him. I can see right through all of her lies, etc. Disengaging seems like the only way to keep my sanity. But if I ignore her in the house, my DH gets really angry and me and says "You're not treating her like a human, you're treating her like a room mate or the red headed step child". Uh duh?

RedWingsFan's picture

My DH did the same at first, would get upset and say "why can't you just ACKNOWLEDGE her presence? I don't expect for us to all be some big happy family (yes he did) but just respect that she's here and say something to her". So, next time she came over, I said "hello SD14" and walked out of the apartment for the day!!!!

Seriously though, we sat down and had a discussion about WHY SD14 and I didn't get along, why we don't WANT to be in the same room with each other and why I can't trust her (she's lied about me to her mom and therapist and also to DH). I asked him flat out - "If my daughter treated you that way, would YOU want to engage her?" He got it and never asked me to engage his daughter again.

the wicked witch's picture

MORE ADVICE ABOUT DISENGAGING...HELP!!!!!

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

DISENGAGING
To disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.

*They are not your children.
*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.
* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.

Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.

SolarYellow-SM's picture

Seriously genius MarriedaBalless....a round of applause please.

I think I was taking the disengaging thing the wrong way. The child is my responsibility when she is in my care (i.e.: clothes, bathed, fed, roof over her head), she simply cannot be if she lives with us almost full time. HOWEVER, her mental, future, past, or present is not my prob. I was constantly feeling responsible for this child SD12 since she was 8. Responsible for ALL.

This makes sense now.

Thank you. Very well put! Still a battle everyday tho!

Freshstart's picture

I could not be more grateful for how the friendship and empathy here on this site has helped. Am about to face some time with SD16 again after a blissful break. I know that even though it still is not something I do not look forward to, I am stronger and better all the time. Advice and honesty of people here helps a lot. The articles and books recommended have been great. Most importantly liking myself enough to spell it out to DH and stand back more from his choices. I chose not to spoil or overindulge my child so why is his child's entitled behaviour my issue. Answer: It's not.

Thankyou for the ideas and support. I am very keen to help other people as they deal with the same stuff. Paying it forward

Freshstart's picture

I could not be more grateful for how the friendship and empathy here on this site has helped. Am about to face some time with SD16 again after a blissful break. I know that even though it still is not something I do not look forward to, I am stronger and better all the time. Advice and honesty of people here helps a lot. The articles and books recommended have been great. Most importantly liking myself enough to spell it out to DH and stand back more from his choices. I chose not to spoil or overindulge my child so why is his child's entitled behaviour my issue. Answer: It's not.

Thankyou for the ideas and support. I am very keen to help other people as they deal with the same stuff. Paying it forward